Chapter 27
H ere’s my favorite client!” Gloriana cheek-kissed Lola as she welcomed her into her office. “That girls dinner got exactly the reaction we were hoping for. Although I was surprised to see you dragged Renee along.”
Gloriana gestured for Lola to sit on the couch. The velvet upholstery stuck to the material of Lola’s skirt. As Gloriana settled into a chair across from her, her assistant followed with a laptop.
“Actually could we talk, just us two?” Lola said. Her hands were already clammy.
“Oh—certainly.” Gloriana waved off her assistant. As the glass door shut behind her, Gloriana said, “What’s going on, honey?”
Lola felt a rush of affection for Gloriana.
Gloriana was the first person who understood the blood, sweat, and tears that Lola dedicated to her dream, and the extent of the sacrifices she was willing to make.
She’d promised young Lola that she’d make it all worth it, and she’d never steered her wrong.
But on the heels of that love came a clawing fear: the prospect of disappointing Gloriana made Lola almost physically sick. But coming out wasn’t disappointing, she reminded herself. She was just anxious. She was losing her nerve.
“I’ve been thinking,” Lola began. “With the new songs coming along, we’re at a turning point. I wanted to revisit the idea of my coming out.”
“Oh! Yes, certainly we can have that conversation.”
That wasn’t so hard. “Great! I was thinking that the film is the perfect opportunity. We can control the narrative, instead of leaving it to a journalist. And it would give the film a purpose—not just Remember who Lola Gray is? But like, This is who she is. ”
Lola trailed off. It sounded so much better when Renee said it.
“And who Lola Gray is, is what, a gay person?” Gloriana said.
Lola winced. “Bisexual—or maybe queer. So, that, but also an artist, a songwriter, someone who cares about her fans. I can do all of those things better if I’m honest about who I am.”
“It’s an interesting idea.” Gloriana pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Let’s set the movie aside for the moment. If we decide to do this, we can discuss how to make the announcement later. Help me understand why now .”
Lola tried not to let her expression fall.
Gloriana’s job was to ask these questions, but that didn’t change the fact that Lola had wanted Gloriana to simply say yes without running through every pro and con.
That was a childish, unprofessional thought.
No one got to Lola’s level, or into the stratosphere beyond it, by doing exactly what they wanted.
“With the breakup with Nash, my fans think I’m single.
We’d have to give it some time, so I don’t look like a greedy bisexual.
” Lola giggled nervously to dismiss the stereotype.
Gloriana didn’t. “Um, the media attention would be good for the album. The music I’m making now feels more mature anyway, so it could be an opportunity to debut a new image.
And—and what’s the big deal, right? It’s not like I’d be the first bisexual pop star. ”
Gloriana clicked her tongue. “It’d be better if you were! That , we could really capitalize on.”
“I just meant, Lady Gaga is out and no one ever talks about it.”
“You’re not Lady Gaga, Lola. You’re the girl next door pining for the quarterback, not some sex bomb.”
Lola laughed uneasily. “You make it sound like I’m still in high school.”
“To many of your fans, you are. Especially when they’re still in high school.”
“My fans have grown up just like I have. A lot of them are queer too.”
“Yes, of course—I’ve seen the hashtags. Those are good points,” Gloriana said, and Lola felt buoyed by her praise.
“But realistically, it’s mid-November. We need to deliver this documentary for Streamy in four months—and that’s not negotiable.
I’m not convinced the timeframe is right for an announcement.
Remember, we’re planning for a career that’s going to last the rest of your life.
I always say, these details are currency.
Who you are is currency. We need to be careful how we manage that wealth. ”
“I think this is a good time to spend it,” Lola said, but her voice sounded thin.
Gloriana wove her fingers together. Lola’s stomach clenched: she was about to hear something unpleasant.
“Lola, my job is to do what’s right for you.
For you , not anyone else. I’m surprised to hear you want this movie—which once you had no interest in whatsoever—to expose the most personal and intimate part of your life.
I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask if this is really what you want. Not just what she wants.”
Lola’s eyes went wide. She felt pinned by Gloriana’s stare like a butterfly under glass. “Renee does want this. She came up with this great concept about how being in the closet has affected my creative process. But I think it’s a really good idea too.”
“It is a really good idea— for Renee .” Gloriana grabbed her iPad from her desk, then sat beside Lola on the couch.
“You know we’re constantly monitoring the online discussion of you.
Recently, we’ve expanded that to include Renee—it would be so helpful if she got representation for herself, by the way.
I want to make you aware of what we’ve been seeing. ”
Lola sat extremely still as Gloriana swiped through a series of screenshots.
“We have headlines about Renee Feldman.”
Who is the woman behind Lola Gray’s film?
Lola Gray’s childhood BFF to direct Streamy doc
Lola shrugged. “We knew the project put Renee in the public eye. You agreed to that. It’s part of the story of the film.”
Gloriana swiped on.
More than friends? Fans speculate on a new love for Lola Gray
Lola Gray and “gal pal” Renee Feldman spotted at Hollywood eatery
#LolaGBTQ: Talking to the fans who insist Lola Gray is more than a pop icon—she’s a lesbian, too
Gloriana sighed at the final slide. It was a grainy TikTok clip.
Lola recognized the mezzanine at once, Renee’s suit.
She could practically feel the pressure of Renee’s hand on her ass, her hot breath in her ear.
How she’d brushed off Lola’s concerns that they might be seen.
The only sound the camera had picked up was an overloud cry: Oh my god, that’s Lola Gray—holy shit, did that girl just kiss her?
Lola’s shoulders folded inward. She wanted to shrink down into nothing. It was one thing to imagine how things would change when she came out. It was another thing entirely to see what it would look like when she’d surrendered the last private thing she had.
“We were only talking, I swear,” Lola said, as if that mattered. “There was no kiss.”
Gloriana gestured at the screen. “Whatever this is, it worries me, Lola. You know better than this. Now, I don’t care what happens behind closed doors between you and Renee.
I’m an ally, I support it—did I tell you my nephew came out as non-binary?
—but this isn’t the Lola I know. I know you’re aware that risks like these are how we lose control of the story.
So I have to stop and think: Is it really Lola who wants to act like this?
Or is someone influencing her? Someone who benefits from this kind of attention, and might not care what it means for you? ”
“Renee’s not with me to advance her career,” Lola said.
Gloriana looked at her like she was pathetically naive. “No, Lola. Renee is working with you to advance herself. You plucked her from graduate school , of all places, and brought her into a career-defining moment. Let’s not pretend otherwise.”
It was true. Renee had said as much to her in New York. Lola had used exactly that argument to convince Renee to take on this project.
“Making a good film isn’t your job,” Gloriana said.
“That’s Renee’s problem. Your job is being Lola Gray.
All of us depend on that.” She squeezed Lola’s shoulder.
“But! I know how important this is to you, honey. If you want to explore being bisexual on camera, we can do it. Say the word and I’ll call the team together. ”
Lola hesitated. The way Gloriana had said “bisexual” somehow sounded crass. “This meeting was just to talk it through. I still need to think about it before I make a decision.”