Chapter 29
I n the days that followed, Lola was in a state of bliss.
There was no other way to describe it. She felt almost woozy, like she was lost in a profoundly good dream.
She and Renee couldn’t stop saying those three words to each other.
They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.
They fucked in so many rooms of Lola’s house that they spent the afternoon before the housekeepers came doing a thorough pre-cleaning, to be respectful—only to end up on the floor among the cleaning supplies.
But the moment Renee was out of Lola’s sight, guilt sucked at her like quicksand.
She had lied to Renee. That was unacceptable, but wasn’t it an understandable mistake?
Renee had just looked so expectant when Lola had walked into the house that day; Lola hadn’t wanted to tarnish their perfect moment with disappointment.
Anyway, Lola would tell Gloriana she’d made her decision—of course she would.
Sometimes it felt like she already had! It would only take one little phone call to fix.
Renee would never need to know that their wires had gotten crossed.
All the same, she still hadn’t managed to correct the mistake.
Her sister, Claudia, was coming to visit to do her interview for the film, and then Lola had a short trip to Fiji, where she’d been hired to perform at the birthday party of a daughter of some sheikh, no film crew allowed.
Knowing they’d soon be apart, Lola was rightly focused on Renee, not dealing with Gloriana.
And there were songs to finish. Lola insisted that Renee not be present for the last recording sessions.
“I want you to hear the songs for the first time with me,” Lola had explained.
“But I’ve already heard most of them!” Renee protested.
“Not the final versions,” Lola said.
“ Lo ,” Renee whined. “The film!”
“This is more romantic.” Lola had hooked a leg over Renee’s hips and straddled her. “What if I want to kiss you but Ackerlund’s there?”
Renee’s face fell, but they agreed to set up a camera in the studio that would record in Renee’s absence.
It made it all the sweeter when Lola came home with the first song, “Starcrossed,” completed.
“Seriously? I get to hear it?” Renee asked, eyes bright.
Lola nodded, grinning as she pulled Renee to the couch and cued the song on her phone. “Did you want to film this?”
“Yeah, we should.” Renee’s brow furrowed. “But maybe just for us, not for the film. We can decide later.”
Renee positioned her phone to record, then cuddled against Lola on the couch.
Lola barely breathed as Renee listened, focusing instead on the changes in Renee’s expression as she followed the lyrics.
Lola already knew this song was a hit, but that didn’t matter as much as Renee loving it.
The melody built on the notes Lola had picked out on that old guitar at the lake house; the lyrics, a tapestry woven from the fragments of their early relationship, with lines like We were dancing ’round, screaming out, What’s going on?
and You show up to work, wearing my shirt .
The chorus and bridge, and even the title, were callbacks to Renee’s favorite, “Star Sign.” More than that, it had amazing energy.
The longing of the past barreled into the shocking gratification of now , of the first kiss, and the kisses that came after.
Lola’s voice launched into the bridge, singing,
Too busy watching the stars, I didn’t see you watching me.
Now every time you touch me, I get a little more free.
Renee ran her hand up Lola’s thigh. “Is that about me?” she whispered.
Lola leaned into Renee’s grasp, then cupped her cheek and angled her in for a kiss. It was soft and slow. “The whole thing’s about you.”
“About us ,” Renee murmured against her. “Thank you for writing it.”
Thank you. The words quivered in Lola’s chest. No one else had ever thanked her for a song.
Kyte had thought it was cool—although later he resented that her songs outperformed his.
Lola’s songs had delighted Ava, to the point that Lola had found herself screwing Ava with her own voice playing in the background, which was weird.
Unsurprisingly, Ava had never appreciated how much care went into it.
But Renee did. Renee saw the effort, the love that went into the song. It meant something to her.
“Do you like it?” Lola asked.
“I love it. It’s the greatest love song of all time.”
Lola could feel Renee smiling as she kissed her.
They played it a few more times, at Renee’s insistence, so she could listen to different parts more closely.
“That line, Now every time you touch me, I get a little more free , I hadn’t heard that before,” Renee said.
Lola grinned. “I changed that after New York.”
“It’s so good. I’d love it even if it wasn’t about us.”
“But it is.”
“I wonder if anyone else will figure it out,” Renee said with a wry smile.
“What do you mean?”
Renee shrugged. “Just like, all the little references that only we know. I mean, Ackerlund didn’t get it, did he?”
Lola went still. Whether “Starcrossed” came out before or after she did, this song would launch the Lo-Lites into a frenzy—not to mention the LavaTruthers.
They’d treat the lyrics like a mystery to solve—and they would solve it.
They’d concoct theories based on photos of Renee and even write fan fiction; they’d go through everything Renee had ever posted online and find out what school her mom taught at.
There would be stans and haters, and people who’d threaten to kill Renee if she hurt Lola.
It had already started—Gloriana had shown her the proof.
Especially when the film came out.
“They’ll figure it out,” Lola said. “You get that, right? They’ll figure us out.”
“But that’s okay now. You’ll be out, nothing to hide.”
Suddenly she wondered if this wasn’t all a mistake.
Renee wasn’t prepared for what Lola was dragging her into.
Lola’s heart was racing. Nothing to hide.
Once she did this, the one thing she’d managed to keep private would be exposed.
Her whole life, her past, every song would be under the Lo-Lites’ microscope again. Her skin crawled at the thought.
Renee reached for her. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I just got a little nervous, that’s all.”
“Nervous is normal. You want to talk about it?”
As Renee circled Lola in her arms, Lola tried to calm her speeding heart. “I’m okay,” she said. “Really.”
L OLA POURED A glass of rosé and handed it to Claudia, who was basking in the late November sun on Lola’s patio.
To Lola, it was a little chilly, but Claudia was always complaining about the cold in Chicago.
Lola was happy to brave the L.A. winter under a blanket if it meant making her sister happy.
Everything was better with Claudia around.
She had flown in for her interview with Renee tomorrow, but the trip would be short—she only had three days off from the hospital, in exchange for working Thanksgiving.
They were getting in as much sister time as possible, so Renee was temporarily exiled to her hotel.
“Are Mom and Dad getting on camera for this too?” Claudia asked.
“No, thankfully,” Lola sighed. It had been a point of debate in the earliest stages of planning.
Micah proposed sending a film crew to Fellows.
A visit to the childhood home was conventional for films like this, after all, but Gloriana had vetoed it.
Over the course of Lola’s career, they had both directed a lot of effort to steering Lola’s mother away from the press.
Her dad had no interest in that kind of thing, but her mom was unpredictable and craved attention.
Lola didn’t want to risk getting her in front of a camera.
“That’s good,” Claudia said. “It would have been funny, though, to see Renee interview Mom.”
Lola’s blood pressure spiked at the thought. “Why’s that?”
“Mom doesn’t exactly love Renee. She always complained that she had no respect for authority.”
“She still doesn’t.” Lola laughed. “That’s probably why I like her.”
“How’s it been having her around for the movie?”
“It’s been nice.” Nice? Lola bit the inside of her lip, hard, for a second, then added, “Actually, nice isn’t the right word for it. There’s something I wanted to tell you about that. So, Renee and I have been spending a lot of time together and we, um … we kind of fell in love?”
Claudia’s mouth hung open. “ Shut up , Lola. Like— Renee Renee? Renee Feldman ?”
“Yes, that Renee.”
“You could be dating a god-tier celebrity, and you fall for the grumpy weirdo from next door?” Lola’s expression went rough, ready to defend Renee, and Claudia burst out laughing. “Oh my god, your face.”
“Renee’s not the grumpy weirdo next door anymore.”
“I saw her this summer—she’s still a grumpy weirdo.”
“She is, but she’s not next door anymore. We basically live together.”
“Like, here? In this house?” Claudia’s head whipped around, like Renee was going to pop out from behind the box shrub.
“She’s at a hotel right now, but most of the time, yeah.”
“Wow, so this is serious.”
“Claudia! I literally just said we’re in love.”
“You think you fall in love with everyone you date.”
“Renee’s different. She’s just … completely different.” A smile spread across Lola’s face.
“Okay, okay,” Claudia said, now grinning back at her. “It’s taking me a minute to process, but I’m happy for you. Dating someone normal will be good for you.”
“Why, to keep me grounded?” Lola laughed.
“No, that’s your big sister’s job. But your last relationship—if you can call it that—wasn’t right.”
“Renee’s not at all like Ava. She looks out for me. You’d love how she handles Gloriana.”
“She’s hard on Gloriana? Maybe I’m in love with Renee Feldman.” Claudia lit up. “How’s she dealing with all this?”
Lola knew what she meant. The celebrity, the attention. The closet.
“That’s the other thing I wanted to tell you. I’m going to come out.”
Claudia stared at her for a beat, lost for words. Then suddenly, her eyes were shining, and she said, “Oh, Lola, are you really?”
“Why are you the one crying?” Lola asked, although her own eyes stung now too.
Claudia smeared away a tear. “Because I wasn’t sure you’d ever do it.”
“I’ve been talking about it for years,” Lola protested.
“I know.” Claudia pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you.”
Lola felt unexpectedly overcome. She hadn’t doubted that Claudia would support her—she’d been the only person who encouraged her to go along with coming out even after Ava—but she hadn’t realized how much she truly needed to feel that.
It was like a knot in her chest had unraveled, and all the anxieties of the last few months—the writer’s block, the film, all the reservations she had about coming out, and all the reasons to do it anyway—sprung free.
Lola found herself sobbing into Claudia’s shoulder, and Claudia petted her hair, like she’d done when they were kids.
When she finally caught her breath and pulled away, Claudia said, “Those didn’t seem like happy tears.”
Lola dabbed her under-eyes with her sleeve. “It’s just a lot. Part of me knows this is what I want, but then when I think about it, I get so scared . I haven’t really told Gloriana yet. I keep putting it off.”
“It’s not like you don’t know what she’ll say. It’s not the right time. ”
“Stop that. Gloriana looks out for me.” Lola paused. “How am I supposed to know when it is the right time?”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Claudia said. “But with big changes like this, sometimes a time that’s good enough is better than waiting for a time that’s perfect. What made you want to do it now?”
“We wanted to do it in the film. I could tell my whole story, myself.”
“Who’s we?” Claudia asked.
“Me and Renee.”
Claudia studied her for a moment. “Have you told her you’re having second thoughts?”
Lola thought of Renee’s eyes flashing when she talked about this vision for the film.
She thought about Nash’s blackmailer, and the difference between having your privacy ripped away and surrendering it.
She thought about her envy of Saint Satin, and the longing she’d felt at her concert, and the fear that she wasn’t queer enough.
Beyond this decision lay terrifying uncertainty, like some bizarre interstellar landscape of abysmal trenches and glorious peaks and no oxygen, no safety, no way back.
“This is really important to her,” Lola said.
“You didn’t answer the question,” Claudia said. “If Renee really loves you, she’ll understand what you’re feeling.”
Lola forced herself to smile. “There’s nothing to understand.”