Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Julie
“ J ulie Parker, you come here and hug me right this second.”
The second Asher and I walk in the door of my parents’ house, my mom bustles into the foyer, arms wide open. I go to hug her and am immediately surrounded by the floral scent that means mom to me more than anything else does. I cling to her for a second, tightening my arms around her, suddenly a little overwhelmed. She pulls away and frames my face with her hands.
“You okay, my girl?”
Rachel Parker misses nothing. And the truth is, I am okay. Better than okay, probably. But I feel like it’s possible I’m an entirely different person than I was when I left with Asher two weeks ago, and I don’t know how to distill that into an answer that will satisfy my mom. I take a deep breath to pull it together and try.
“I really am, Mom. I’m happy to be home. I missed you.” It’s the truth, albeit a less complex version of it.
Still holding my face in both hands, she studies me closely before nodding. “I really think you are. Now, it seems I have someone very important to meet.”
She all but shoves me aside to get to Asher, and when she tosses her arms around him, I snort out a laugh. Good thing Asher is used to chaotic family members because my mom never disappoints. He hugs her right back, winking at me over her shoulder. When she pulls away, she takes both of his hands.
“Asher Hansley, it is a pleasure to meet you. Steven’s on his way home, so he’ll be about half an hour.”
Asher grins at my mom. “No problem and, Mrs. Parker, the pleasure is all mine, seriously.”
I smile inwardly, knowing exactly what’s coming next. “None of that Mrs. Parker bullshit. Mrs. Parker was Steven’s mom. She was a stone-cold bitch who never liked me, and I hated her right back. You call me Rachel.”
Asher’s grin grows. “Rachel, I think you might be my favorite person after Juliette.”
My mom slides her gaze to me and then back to Asher, a grin spreading across on her face. “Juliette, huh? Well now, what exactly is our Juliette to you?”
“For fuck’s sake mom,” I mutter.
Asher just shrugs a shoulder. “It’s a reasonable question, Juliette.”
He turns back to my mom. “She’s everything to me. I love her.”
Literally nothing stuns my mom silent, but Asher’s frank statement seems to have done the job. She just stands there, staring at him, until finally her eyes fill with tears that immediately spill over, and she wraps Asher up in another hug. I roll my eyes at her drama, while on the inside, I’m all lit up at Asher’s love declaration in front of one of the most important people in my life.
“Mom, Jesus. No need to cry all over the man. ”
“Julie Anne Parker you be quiet. When a man comes into my house and tells me he loves my daughter and that she’s everything to him, I’m entitled to a few tears.”
Asher winks at me again. “This is normal mom stuff. My mom cried all over my brothers-in-law when they first talked about how much they loved my sisters.”
My mom unwraps herself from Asher and looks at him curiously. “How many sisters do you have?”
“Four. All married. Three of them have kids.”
“And they all live in Boulder? You must miss them.” My mom looks at him curiously.
“They do, and I definitely do. It was nice to go back and visit, and I’m happy Juliette got to meet everyone.”
“Well, I’m sure it’s hard to be so far away, but you have a family here now. You love Julie, so that means you’re one of us. If you need anything, you come here.”
I know Asher misses his family and doesn’t have a lot of people here to lean on, but I don’t think I realized just how lonely he’s been in Pittsburgh until I see the emotion painted all over his face at my mom’s simple declaration that he belongs to us. Every time I think I have reached the absolute depths of my feelings for this man, I find even more. I’m wondering if there is a bottom, or if I’m destined to fall harder and deeper forever. I have never been as grateful for my mom’s vast well of love and acceptance as I am in this moment.
“You know Mom, he won’t have to go far to come here. He lives pretty close, it turns out.”
“Really? Where do you live?”
Asher points in the direction of his house. “About five houses down that way.”
My mom grins broadly. “We’re practically neighbors. Does that mean I’ll have my daughter just down the street soon?”
“I did buy a really good espresso machine,” Asher says, as I just shake my head, resigning myself to the fact that my mom is having a no filter on what comes out of her mouth day.
“Jules does love her lattes. And it would be nice to see her in an actual home instead of that showroom she lives in right now.”
I look at my mom in astonishment. I’ve been feeling the same way, but this is the first time she’s ever brought up anything like this. It makes me think that I need to have a conversation with my parents. I take stock of my feelings and am surprised to realize that the idea of a good heart-to-heart with my mom makes me feel relief rather than anxiety, and I make a mental note to come back over this week when I have some time. That’s not a conversation for tonight.
“Hey, look who’s here!” Ben’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts as he comes strolling into the foyer from the direction of the kitchen.
“Asher, good to see you, man.” They do a one arm man hug kind of thing that has me chuckling. “Now that you’re back, will we see you at the gym?”
“Count on it,” Asher says with a genuine smile. “I have some stuff with the team I need to deal with this week, but starting next week I’m all in.”
“Sounds great. I’ll text you our schedule next week.”
Then Ben wraps me in a hug. “Missed you, Jules.”
“Missed you too,” I whisper. Tears prick my eyes as I realize just how true that is. How I’ve been missing him for longer than just the two weeks I’ve been away. Out of the corner of my eye I see Asher looking at me with a softness on his face. I remember the promise I made to him to talk to Ben and suddenly, that seems like a conversation I urgently need to have. Asher nods at me and, as if he can read my thoughts, he turns to my mom .
“Rachel, can I help with dinner? I’m pretty good in the kitchen.”
My mom is watching Ben and me, and I guess she’s a mind reader tonight too. “That would be great. Ben and Jules, why don’t you sit and catch up while we deal with dinner?”
Without waiting for a response, she hooks her arm through Asher’s and guides him towards the kitchen. He looks back at me and gives me an encouraging nod and a smile before disappearing down the hall.
Ben wanders into the living room, and I follow him. In a habit as old as we are, we take our usual places on the big leather sectional—me curled up in the corner seat and him on the middle cushion, his legs stretched out on the giant square ottoman that doubles as a coffee table.
“Tell me a story, Jules,” Ben says, and my breath hitches.
Tell me a story . It’s something we said to each other when we were younger and had spent any time apart. It was our way of catching each other up, making sure that we were still part of each other’s lives, even when we weren’t always together. The familiar phrase has tears pricking my eyes again, and this time I let them come. They fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks, and I do nothing to wipe them away. They feel good. Cleansing, almost. Ben doesn’t seem alarmed by the tears. He just slides over and wraps an arm around me, letting me get it all out. I rest my head on his shoulder, and we sit in silence.
“Must be some story,” he says, when my tears finally stop.
I let out a watery laugh. “You have no idea.”
On instinct, we turn to each other and sit cross-legged, our knees touching like we used to do when we would talk as kids, and the familiar position gives me the courage to jump in.
“I have a confession to make,” I start, jumping right in.
“What’s that?” Ben asks .
“The past six months since you and Hallie got together have been…hard for me.”
Ben doesn’t respond, just leans forward a little, watching me, waiting for me to continue. He has always been the best listener I know.
“At the lake last summer, it felt like you two came out of nowhere. And when you told me that your feelings for Hallie were more than a decade old, it shook me hard. It felt like you had kept this massive secret from me when we had never, ever kept secrets before. And I get it, Ben. I really do. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to have such strong feelings for her and not know how all the pieces would shift if you told her. My feelings aren’t exactly rational, but there they are anyway. And after the lake, it all happened so fast. It has always been you and me, or me and Hallie, or the three of us together, but once it was you and Hallie, I didn’t know where I fit. You are building this whole life together, and god, Ben, it’s so beautiful. The two of you are so, so beautiful together.”
I look down at my hands, a little embarrassed by this huge confession, not ready yet to see Ben’s reaction to the next thing I say.
“But sometimes it makes me feel like maybe I don’t fit with you guys anymore. Like maybe I don’t fit anywhere anymore.”
“Jules,” Ben says, his voice soft.
When I finally look up it’s not pity in his eyes, but love and maybe even a little…pride?
“Ben, I want you and Hallie to be happy. So, so happy. You are so important to me, and I love you so damn much. I guess maybe I’ve just been missing you both.”
“I know this wasn’t easy for you to tell me, but I’m glad you did.”
“You are?”
“Of course I am. Jules, it’s been an adjustment for me too. And for Hallie. You think it’s not a little weird for me to tell Hallie something before I tell you? Or for her to do the same? It did happen fast, because it was right, but that doesn’t mean we’re not all still figuring this out. Why do you think we decided not to worry about setting a wedding date for a while?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, I figured Hallie was just busy with her practice and that you’d get around to it eventually, but you should know it’s been making me antsy. I had to restrain myself from setting up wedding spreadsheets for her.”
Ben chuckles. “Don’t you worry, it’s coming. But we decided once we moved in together to just stay in this place for a while and enjoy it. To just be together without worrying about jumping to what comes next. To figure out what our lives look like now that we’re together. And it’s everything I ever wanted. Even better than I could have dreamed of. But Jules, it would be nothing without you. You are our most important person, and you will always have a place with me and a place with Hallie. Always and no matter what. And if Hallie was here, she would tell you the same thing.”
Tears spring to my eyes again. I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that until the words came out of Ben’s mouth. It’s like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. “I love Hallie, but is it selfish of me to say I’m kind of glad she’s not here right now? I’ve missed spending time with just you.”
“Me too. Let’s try to do more of that, yeah?”
“Definitely.”
“Okay good. So, can I ask about your road trip now? Asher Hansley is in the kitchen literally baking a cake with mom, so I assume it went well.”
I can’t help the smile that spreads over my face. “Yeah Benj, it went well. But that’s kind of the other thing I have to tell you. I wasn’t exactly honest with everyone about the reason I went on the trip. ”
Ben smirks at me. “You mean you weren’t honest about the absolutely no reason you gave any of us for why you left town for two weeks with a famous NFL quarterback? I’m extremely shocked.”
I laugh a little. “The real reason is, right before I left with Asher, I had a massive panic attack.”
Ben reaches out and takes one of my hands, saying nothing.
“I made a mistake with one of my clients, and it triggered the panic attack. Asher was at the office meeting with Emma and Jeremy about foundation stuff, and he found me on the floor. I thought I was dying but he talked me down from it. He wanted me to tell you and the girls, but I didn’t want to. So, he told me that if I didn’t come with him on his road trip he would tell you himself.”
“He blackmailed you into getting in a car alone with him for two weeks?” Ben asks darkly.
“Simmer down Ben; your patriarchy is showing. Asher…saw things that no one else has seen. I have anxiety. Bad anxiety, pretty much all the time. I hide it all behind perfection and scary competence, but the truth is, I’m almost always anxious about something, and he saw through me from the very first time I met him at the gala. Him taking me on the trip was his way of getting me away from that part of me for a couple of weeks. And, well, it worked.”
Ben blows out a breath. “I’ll say. I’m not even going to tell you that you could have told me because it was yours to tell, and you don’t owe anyone your feelings. But you look really happy, Jules. Like, happier than I’ve ever seen you before.”
“That’s because I am. It seems weird to say because it’s only been two weeks, but I feel like a completely different person. Like everything has changed. ”
“Well, hasn’t it?”
“Christ, no wonder Hallie loves you. You’re one of the ones who sees everything too.”
“Just the people I care about.”
“I love him, Benj. I love him so damn much I can barely breathe, and I don’t know how to hold the entire feeling inside of me. And I get it now. I totally, completely get it. How you and Hallie could happen so fast and everything could change completely in almost no time at all.”
Ben grins at me. “Fucking crazy, isn’t it?”
“Sure is. But also, kind of amazing? He sees me, all the way through, and I didn’t realize how badly I needed to be seen. The way I love him? I didn’t think I was capable of loving like this. I know without one single doubt that I am going to love him for the rest of my life. He’s my other half.”
“Juliette.” I turn at Asher’s voice and see him leaning against the doorway to the living room, emotion swimming in his eyes as he looks at me.
“Shit,” I mutter. “How much of that did you hear?”
He doesn’t answer, just strides towards me and pulls me up off the couch, crashing his mouth to mine and kissing me like we are extremely alone, and probably naked, and not two feet from my brother, with my mom in the kitchen down the hall.
When we break apart, he holds onto me for an extra few seconds, pressing a kiss to my forehead and wrapping an arm around me as we both turn to the couch where Ben is sitting, leg propped on his opposite knee and arms spread over the back of the couch, a shit eating grin on his face.
I point to him. “You shut up. Like I haven’t caught you and Hallie making out in every corner of this house.”
“We’ve done a lot more than that in a lot of those corners.”
“Fucking gross, Ben. Why would you think I wanted that information? ”
“Why would you think I wanted to see you making out with your…what is he exactly? Your boyfriend?”
“You know it,” Asher says, giving Ben a grin and a thumbs up. “We’re totally official. You can probably even see us kissing in the airport somewhere on the internet.”
Ben gives me a quizzical look.
I sigh. “I had to prove to him I don’t care about how famous he is and that I’m not going to run away just because some fan sticks a camera in my face, so I kissed him in the airport. Whatever. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“On the contrary, Juliette. It was a very, very big deal.”
“I agree with him,” Ben says. “Huge deal.”
I look back and forth between them. “I’m not sure I like the two of you being friends.”
“Too late, Jules. He’s one of us now.”
Asher pulls me tighter into his side. “Yeah, Juliette, I’m one of you now.”
He sure is, and I don’t hate it even a little bit.