Chapter 43
Chapter Forty-Three
Julie
I probably should have gone home, but after spending a night at Asher’s comfortable, cozy home, the thought of going to my all-white house with uncomfortable furniture and nothing personal is less than appealing. I only live a ten-minute drive away, but I don’t want to be that far away from Asher. He needs the space, but I like the idea of being close by, even if he doesn’t know I’m there. So, instead of going home, I drive down the street, and thirty seconds later I’m pulling into my parents’ driveway. I use my key to unlock the door, and as soon as I open it, I hear my dad’s voice in the kitchen and my mom’s answering laughter. The sounds of home are a warm blanket over my humming nerves. I was right to come here.
“Jules!” My mom says, when I walk through the kitchen door. “What are you doing here?”
“What? I can’t just come over and say hi to my parents?”
“You can, but you rarely come here without some kind of reason. So, what’s the reason? ”
“Can’t you be a normal mom for like five minutes and just be happy I’m here?”
“Honey girl, if you want a normal mom, you’ll have to find someone different. I am who I am, and who I am knows there’s something going on with you to have you showing up at my house at six o’clock on a weeknight when everyone knows you’re never not at the office at six o’clock on a weeknight.”
I huff out a breath, dropping down at the kitchen table next to my dad. He leans over and catches me in a hug, and I feel my entire body relax. Steven Parker gives A-plus hugs.
“You know Mom, you should try not knowing everything all the time. It must get exhausting.”
“It would be more exhausting pretending I don’t know everything all the time. Are you staying for dinner? Dad made lasagna.”
“Then absolutely I am.” My dad’s lasagna is legendary, and I suddenly realize the last thing I ate today was the donut I had at nine this morning and I’m starving.
“Good. He put it in the oven right before you got here, which means you have plenty of time to tell us what’s on your mind.”
I did decide last night to talk to my parents, and since I’m right here, now seems as good a time as any. I consider how much to tell them about Asher’s diagnosis. I don’t love the idea of telling his secret, but at the same time, I want him to have all the support I can possibly give him, and there is no better support team than Rachel and Steven Parker. If he wants to be mad at me for telling my parents, he can be, but I suspect he’ll be okay with it.
“I was at Asher’s house. He got some bad news today, so I left the office to come be with him.”
“What kind of bad news?” my dad asks, a concerned look on his face .
“The worst kind of bad news. He has been having some pretty bad shoulder pain since the hit he took in that last playoff game. He got evaluated today, and I think the scan was pretty much as bad as it gets. He has very advanced arthritis in his throwing shoulder, and the long and short of it is that his playing days are over. He didn’t say the word retirement to me, but I assume that’s where this is headed.”
My dad frowns, his eyes radiating sympathy. “I’m sorry to hear that. This must be devastating for him.”
“It is. I know he just got the news a few hours ago, but I could already see the grief all over him.”
“So why are you here talking to us and not over there giving him the support he obviously needs right now?” Leave it to my mom to cut right to the heart of the matter.
I take a deep breath and blow it out. “He wanted to be alone. I was there long enough for him to tell me what happened. He was devastated but wouldn’t let himself break down. At least not yet, and not in front of me. And he didn’t want to talk about what happens next. He needed some space, and I gave it to him. So here I am.”
My mom eyes me consideringly. “And do you think being alone is what he really wants?”
“I don’t. But I don’t think I’m what he needs. I think he needs someone who understands what he’s going through. So, I called Jeremy. He’s on his way over to Asher’s now.”
“Good.” My mom reaches across the table and pats my hand.
“He said he wanted to protect me from whatever it was going to look like when he breaks down. He’s a happy guy and one of the kindest people I know. I don’t think he could ever not be that, even when the worst happens, but I didn’t want to give him anything more to be worried about. I want to help him get through it. ”
“You love him.” Like when Asher’s mom and Molly said it, the words are matter of fact. A statement, not a question.
“What, are all my feelings just painted right on my face? Asher’s mom and Molly said the exact same thing. Besides, you knew that already.”
“I didn’t know that. I know he told me last night that he loves you, but you didn’t say anything. But I know now. It’s written all over you, Jules. I’ve never seen you talk this way about anyone. I always wondered who your match would be. I’m glad it’s him. He’s perfect for you.”
“Why do you say that?” I know he is, but I’m curious why my mom thinks so. If she sees what I see.
“He sees you, honey, straight through to that very big heart of yours that you don’t let show nearly often enough. He knew last night you needed to talk to Ben, and he offered to help in the kitchen and then happily baked a cake with me to give you the time you needed. And then started over when I forgot how much flour I added and had to toss the first one.” She gives me a sly grin.
“You did that on purpose.” I point at my mom, putting the pieces together pretty quickly.
“Of course I did. That cake takes fifteen minutes, tops, to get into the oven, and you needed more time than that to spill your guts to Ben about how hard it’s been on you since he and Hallie got together.”
“You knew?”
Of course she knew .
“Of course I knew. Like I told Ben last summer, I know everything that goes on with my children.”
“How come you never said anything?”
My mom sighs, reaching across the table and taking my hand. “It’s hard sometimes, as a parent, to know when to intervene with your children and when to let them work things out on their own. With you, I found that to be an even bigger challenge. Ever since you were a kid, you have always been so sure of yourself, Jules. So sure of your path, and what you wanted. You made your plans and you stuck to them and you rarely wavered. When you came across an obstacle, you found a way to work it out or shove through it until you got to the other side, and you were almost always successful. When you were eight, there was a group of boys who wouldn’t let you and Hallie play on the swings at the park. You came to the park the very next day with a written schedule and a stopwatch so you could time everyone’s turns on the swings and damned if those boys didn’t listen to you. That’s how it always was with you. You solved your own problems and everyone else’s too.”
She stops then and takes a deep breath, looking more uncertain than I have ever seen her before. “I sometimes wonder if maybe I did you a disservice by not intervening more. If by letting you solve all your own problems, it made you feel like you couldn’t ask for help when you needed it. Watching you these past six months has made me sure of it. You never know, as a parent, whether you’re making the right decisions at the time, and sometimes you only figure it out years later. I’m sorry for that, Jules. I should have done it differently.”
Emotion clogs my throat as I listen to my mom explain this to me, because it’s the truth and also not. My mind drifts to Asher helping me through a panic attack on my office floor because of an obstacle I very much did not have a handle on.
I turn my hand over under my mom’s, linking our fingers together. My dad sits silently, watching us, letting us have this moment. It occurs to me for the first time how much Asher is like my dad and like Ben. Good men who have a sixth sense about when to speak up and when to sit back. Who have a way of offering their quiet support just by being present.
“It’s not your fault, Mom. The older I got, the better I got at pretending all I wanted was to handle everything on my own. And to some extent, I did want to handle things on my own. It was hard for me to tell you if I was struggling. I wanted you both to be proud of me.”
My dad does speak up then. “Julie, I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told Ben when he came to me last summer about that deal he turned down. All your mom and I have ever wanted for you both was to find something that made you happy. You have achieved some incredible things, but as long as you’re happy, we’re proud. We have been proud of you every single day of your life just because you exist and you’re ours. You are a good person, Jules. A good daughter, a caring sister, the best friend that anyone could ask for. We would never, ever think less of you because you ask for help. We want you to come to us when you need it. That’s what we’re here for. Parenting doesn’t stop because you and Ben are adults. We’ll always be here to help.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I say, my voice a little thick, tears pricking at the back of my eyes. I decide since I’m in this deep, I might as well get it all out.
“The past six months have been really hard for me. Ever since Hallie and Ben got together, I’ve felt kind of lost. Like maybe I don’t have a place with them anymore now that they’re building a life together. The way they love each other is so enormous and consuming, and for a while, I felt like maybe that love didn’t leave any room for me.”
“But you don’t feel that way anymore?” My mom looks at me appraisingly, like she knows what I’m about to say before I say it. And let’s be honest, she probably does.
“I don’t.”
“What happened to change how you feel? ”
“Asher happened.” I shrug a shoulder as if it’s no big deal when, in fact, it’s everything. “I didn’t expect him. He snuck up on me, and even when I tried to shove him away, he just stuck.”
“The best ones do,” my mom says, looking at my dad with love shining in her eyes. For the first time in my life, I understand that look.
“I didn’t make it easy for him.” I laugh a little, thinking of the last month or so. “But no matter what I said or did, he just rolled with it. He’s…” I pause, thinking of the right word to describe Asher. “Solid. He’s solid. And he makes me feel safe. Like I can tell him anything, show him any part of myself and he’ll love it no matter what. I mean, he saw me sitting on the floor having a panic attack over a mistake I made with one of my clients and he just sat right down, got me through it, and then asked me if I wanted to take a road trip with him.”
“You had a panic attack?” My mom’s gaze sharpens, fixes directly on me like she used to do when I was a teenager and did something stupid. It’s the I know everything there is to know about you so don’t you dare even bother lying to me look.
Shit .
“Yeah. The thing is, I have pretty bad anxiety, actually. Like, all the time. It’s why I work so much and why my house looks like a museum and why my closet is organized by color and none of my clothes are comfortable. I’ve always thought that if I look perfect on the outside and do everything right, then maybe no one will realize I’m mostly a mess on the inside. But it turns out when you meet someone who sees you all the way through, you can’t hide any part of yourself. And when that person seems to like what they see, it makes you wonder why you bothered hiding it all for so long in the first place. That’s part of what I talked to Ben about, and I told Hallie and the girls about it this morning.”
“How did that make you feel?” asks my dad .
“Free. It made me feel free. Like maybe I’m the most myself that I have ever been, and I like this version of me. I haven’t said anything to Asher yet about this, but I also think I’m going to look for a therapist. Someone who has experience working with high achieving professionals with anxiety because they try to be perfect and control everything all the time. There seem to be a lot of us. I think it could be helpful to talk to someone.”
My mom stands up from her chair then, walking around the table to stand behind me and put her arms around me, holding tight. “Julie Parker, there is nothing in this world you could achieve or accomplish that would make me prouder of you than I am right now. I’m so sorry that I didn’t see how much you were struggling, and I hope you won’t hide it from me anymore. But I think, maybe, everything worked out the way it was supposed to.”
“I think maybe you’re right. And I do. Love him I mean. It happened so fast it still gives me whiplash, but I don’t have a single doubt that he is it for me. He makes me feel everything. And thinking about him just down the street, in pain over the end of a career he hoped would last at least a few years longer, is making me want to burn the world down for him.”
My mom sniffles, and when I crane my neck to look at her, she has tears in her eyes dangerously close to spilling over.
“Um, why are you crying?”
My mom swats me on the back of the head. “I’m entitled to a few tears when my only daughter tells me she’s in love. Especially since the man she’s in love with is one I’m happy to have in my family.” She sits down in the chair next to me so I’m sandwiched between my parents.
“You know your dad and I would have loved anyone you and your brother brought home. But it’s an extraordinary thing to also like the people your children choose as their partners. I’m happy for both of you, and I’m feeling smug about my parenting skills right now since obviously I had to have done something right for you both to have found such excellent people to settle down with.”
I give my mom a look. “Didn’t we just finish a conversation about how you didn’t realize I’ve been an anxious mess for all of my adult life?”
My mom just shrugs. “Seems to have served you well enough, and you’re working through it now, aren’t you?”
I just laugh because she’s definitely not wrong. Again.
“Seriously, Jules, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing now for Asher. Part of being a good partner is knowing when your person needs something you can’t provide and helping them find it. You sending Jeremy over there is doing exactly that for Asher. Jer has been where Asher is now and can give him a perspective you can’t. Help him get over the shock of it all and understand what comes next. Asher will come find you when he’s ready.”
“I know he will.” And I do. I still feel the low-level anxiety that comes with the unknown of this whole experience. But if there’s one thing I’m confident in, it’s that Asher won’t stay away for long. And when he comes back, I’ll be ready to give him whatever support he needs. The oven timer dings, and my dad jumps up from his seat.
“Now that we’re all done spilling our guts, should we eat dinner?” my dad asks, slipping on my mom’s neon pink oven mitts to take the lasagna out of the oven.
“God, yes. I’m starving,” I say, getting up and opening a cabinet to take out plates to set the table.
“Excellent,” my mom says, leaning back in her chair and letting my dad and me get dinner to the table. “And while we eat, you can tell us more about your road trip. I think last night you left off at the world’s biggest taco and something about you kicking Asher’s ass at skee-ball. And I’m going to need to hear all about the four sisters because that is a lot of sisters.”
“You have no idea,” I laugh. “I love them all.”
My dad sets the lasagna on the table, and, confident that Asher is getting what he needs right now, and feeling lighter than I have all night, I sit down with my parents and tell them everything.