Chapter 34 #2
“My… stepmother tried to put me in Stonebrook.”
“Did you hurt anyone?”
“Kind of.” Adam looked down at the floor. “They had it coming.”
“Well, the law doesn’t see it that way. I don’t have to tell you how fucked you are, considering you’re on the run.” Darryl sighed, sitting on the bed next to Adam. “The only way out of this is to find a kuu mate. Once you do, you’re no longer in the human’s jurisdiction.”
“What the hell’s that?”
“You gotta find a werewolf to shack up with.”
“Fuck that. You guys are gross.”
Darryl laughed. “Boy, do I have some bad news for you, kid. You know what you are, right?”
Adam nodded before looking down at the floor again.
“You don’t have a lot of time to be picky, either. You can hide out here until you start showing more signs, then they’ll start to sniff you out. Once you get a piece of paper from a werewolf you like, get your kuu and I’ll pull some strings to get you out of the human’s database.”
The vision grew hazy until I was in a familiar building. My fur stood up on the back of my neck when I saw myself sitting alone at a table, drinking from an entire pitcher of beer. This was The Boozy Beast on Ruskin Street, a place I’d visit often while trying to… self-medicate.
I remembered catching Adam’s scent, and I didn’t have long to make my move. I’d been carrying that stupid resume around for months without any luck. Every time I’d smell a fresh half-turn, I was too late. But that night, I was in the right place at the right time.
Like an out of body experience, I watched myself leer at him, now a whole year older and a lot hairier than before.
I reached into the pocket of my army fatigues, grabbing a wrinkled, folded sheet of paper before walking up to the popular half-turn.
Every werewolf within three blocks was in that bar that night, each one peacocking, trying to outdo the other.
It was ridiculous, like watching one of those nature documentaries.
I remembered what I felt that night, not wanting to be just another animal competing for mating rites. It didn’t really take much to get his attention, the perks of being the biggest thing in that bar. He was turned on the moment he laid eyes on me. I knew I had him.
“Here,” I said with a grunt, placing the paper in his hand before walking away. The bait was set, and there was nothing more I needed to say. All I had to do was wait at my table with an extra pitcher of beer on hand.
He stared at me and then read my resume. With a smile, he walked over to my table. It was startling how accurate it all was, even insignificant things like what was on tap that night. No one would have remembered these details.
Then I had a terrifying revelation. What if this really was the afterlife? Had I died and was now being punished?
“You spelled demonstration wrong,” Adam said, sitting across from past me.
“Does this place look like a school to you? Do you want to hop on my dick or not?”
“You must not want a kuu mate with that attitude.”
“Look at me. Does it look like I’m desperate?
” I was such a prick, but I sure knew how to play it cool.
The truth was this entire interaction was a bluff.
No one liked me, but I had to make myself look like I was out of reach.
The bad boy act worked with the younger, less experienced guys, so Adam was my chance to try it out.
“Come on. I can smell how turned on you are.” I grabbed his hand, placing it on my crotch.
“I bet I’ve got a bigger dick than all the werewolves here. ”
Adam huffed and pulled back his hand. “You’re gross.”
I knew I had to dial that back.
“Yeah, but I can get you off every day. Doesn’t that sound good?”
“How about that demonstration in the back room?”
I stood and grabbed his hand, pulling him along to the back of the bar.
The scene disappeared, and all the depression came rushing back as the stained, bare walls of our old, tiny one-room apartment appeared.
Adam sat on the couch, fidgeting with his kuu necklace while I watched TV.
I wasn’t really watching anything, just staring while pushing back memories triggered by the smell of burnt food from the kitchen.
This was the first time Adam had used the oven, and I was trying to hold it together while not giving myself away.
“Are you still mad? I forgot, okay,” Adam said, poking me in the arm. “I’ll just order something.”
My memories of this day were fuzzy, but I had a terrible feeling.
“Austin? Hey!” He shoved my shoulder, and in an instant, I had a hand wrapped around his neck, pushing him into the sofa. Seeing it secondhand made me want to throw up. I tried to grab past me by the arm, but as expected, I phased through.
Adam burned a roast, which was close to the smell of burning flesh I remembered during the weapons tests in the military.
“I’m on fire,” I screamed, squeezing Adam’s throat tighter.
“Please…” Adam squeaked out, and I jerked away, snapping out of the episode. Adam jumped off the sofa and ran to the corner of the room, trembling. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Don’t touch me when I don’t wanna be touched,” I growled out. Though I looked remorseful, I never apologized. It wasn’t Adam’s fault, but I blamed him anyway. I always needed someone to blame, and he was there.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to burn the food. Why are you treating me like this?”
“It’s not the food. I—” I ran my fingers through my mane before grabbing a fistful of fur. “The smell—don’t cook anymore if you’re gonna burn it!”
“I don’t wanna wear this anymore,” Adam said, pulling the chain around his neck, but the magic made it tighten until he let go. “I’m stuck with you, aren’t I?”
“Until you’re a werewolf, yeah.” Tears welled in Adam’s eyes, which broke my heart. Past me didn’t show any emotion at all. “Listen. If I start to go blank, stay away. And don’t burn food. I can’t handle the smell.”
“Are you gonna tell me what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Military fucked me up, okay? Did all kinds of things to me. You couldn’t even imagine the pain.” I looked up at a terrified Adam. “Don’t. Burn. Food.”
With that threat fresh in his head, Adam tore out of the house, leaving me alone as I turned back to the TV.
These memories had always been so fuzzy, but now I could see myself for what I truly was.
These weren’t just visions of the past. I was reliving all of Adam’s trauma, and I’d played a role in a lot of it.
“I don’t wanna see anymore,” I cried out, but everything continued as it did.
Past me flew back against the wall as Darryl sent another fist at my face, breaking my jaw with a snap.
“I didn’t know you were the one he made the kuu with,” Darryl roared, pinning me to the floor. “You ever do that to him again, and I’ll hold your head underwater until you stop moving.”
I’d forgotten this. I was so out of my mind, I couldn’t remember the beating Darryl had given me that day. We were about the same size, but there was no contest in strength.
He looked over at Adam. “You should stay with me for a few weeks.”
“Wait—” I whined, holding my broken jaw, which would take an hour or so to completely heal.
“I don’t know what’s happened to you, but you’re not going to take your issues out on him. If you want someone to spar with, I’ll be more than happy to break your face again.”
He and Adam walked out of the apartment, leaving me alone in pain on the floor. Darryl had never hated anyone, but he hated me. I made sure of that.
Another day passed in a blink, and I was in bed with Adam.
He was drenched in sweat and I was panting, the room filled with the scent of sex.
After it was over, we never looked at one another.
He would turn to the wall and I’d stare at the ceiling.
Until then, I had only considered Adam a necessary nuisance.
This was never about love, rather a means to an end, but that wasn’t what I saw in Adam’s eyes as tears filled them.
“Why do you hate me?” he asked, his voice a gentle whisper.
“You have to give enough of a damn about someone to hate them.”
God, this hurt. What the fuck was wrong with me? This wasn’t who I really was.
“I just don’t understand. I thought you liked me. We used to talk. What did I do wrong?”
I examined myself closely, watching for any facial tic, any outward sign of what I felt inside. When I turned toward the window, I saw it—the sign of the emotions I was hiding. Though I tried to fight back the tears, they came anyway.
“You didn’t care,” I said. “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t care.”
The moment I said it, I remembered what set this off. Why didn’t that memory play out?
“What are you talking about?”
“You won’t be a half-turn forever, so when this is over, you’ll be free. Use me for sex, but I don’t want anything more from you.”
“Fine. If this is what you want, I don’t care anymore.”
I watched on as Adam drifted to sleep, and past me continued to stare out the window as the sun dipped below the skyline of that awful city. He kept his word, and that was the last time he tried to talk to me.
“As long as you hate me, you’re safe,” the past me whispered, eyes half-closed.
I didn’t remember saying that.
His eyes snapped open, and we both stared at one another.
“That’s what you felt, right?” past me asked. “As long as people hate you, they won’t die. But what could you possibly gain from living like that?”
The scene faded. This was no longer a look into what I thought I remembered, but what actually was. I was… talking to myself. That was the real me.
“I should have tried harder to understand you, Austin.” Adam sat on the floor of a black room with his head in his hands. “I should have told my dad I loved him, instead of hanging up on him. I should have owned up to what I did to those bullies instead of running away.”
Instead of a blue box, we were both the only light in what looked like an endless void. Maybe this was the last time I could make amends. If I really was dead, I wanted to pass. I wanted to make it right, if it was still possible.
“Hey,” I said, sitting next to him. “You know you didn’t do anything wrong, right?”
“I didn’t listen. I didn’t care. You tried to tell me, and I didn’t care.”
“It’s not that you didn’t. You couldn’t.
” I hesitated, steeled myself with a deep breath, and slipped my arm around him.
He was so warm, which was nice in such a cold place.
“Adam, I don’t know how to make this right.
I used my past as a crutch to keep myself from hurting anymore, but all I did was hurt myself by hurting you.
I never gave you a chance to care, even when I tried to tell you what happened to me.
You were eighteen, and I should’ve known better than to dump all my issues onto a kid. What could you do?”
Adam didn’t look up.
“I’m a terrible person. I resented Cody for being the one everyone loves, even you. I resented Darryl for not making the kuu bond with me. I resented Roscoe because he treated Cody so much better. And I resent you for putting me through hell. I hate you, and I hate hating you.”
No physical pain I’d ever experienced hurt as much as those words did.
“It’s okay to hate me. I never made it easy, but you’re not a terrible person.
You were thrown into things you shouldn’t have been thrown into.
Your dad knew you loved him. I could hear it in his voice when he was talking to you.
Darryl saved your life, and he protected you, especially from me.
He was too old for you to make that kind of bond with him, and I think deep down you knew that.
Darryl was more like a father you were missing. Always protecting you.”
“Do you hate me?” Adam asked, wiping his eyes.
“I never hated you for a moment. Not for one moment, Adam. I swear.”
He wrapped his arms around me, and the vision of him shifted to a full werewolf as he looked into my eyes again.
“Thank you.”
The sound of shattering glass filled the room as his image crumbled, and the black room turned to blue sky and green, rolling hills. The cool wind blew, and the sun warmed my face.
Had I made it to heaven? Had I truly made amends for what I did?
No…
Inside still felt hollow. Around me was paradise, but I couldn’t feel joy or peace. Something terrible was still happening, but what that was, I couldn’t place. Something with me had changed, though.
My face was dry, and I didn’t want to go back to my blue box anymore.