Chapter 20 How We Both Got Secrets?
Natalie
My eyes fluttered open when I felt Dexter twitching in his sleep. Rubbing my eyes, I picked up my phone and realized it was after three in the morning.
“P–please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt y’all, please.” Dexter murmured, his head faintly moving side to side against the pillow.
Placing my hand on his shoulder, I gently nudged him. “Dexter? Dexter baby…wake up.”
Dexter's eyes snapped open as he shot upright.
His chest heaved rapidly as he scanned the dark room.
His breaths became ragged, and I could feel him frantically moving around as if he were trying to remember where he was.
Turning my bedside lamp on, I gently ran my hand down his arm.
Once he realized where he was and who I was, his shoulders sagged with relief.
Running a hand down his face, Dexter exhaled a long breath. “I’m-I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get these bad night terrors…anyway I hope I didn't scare you.”
“You did a little,” I admitted, scooting closer to him. “It sounded like you were having a bad dream. Are you okay?”
Dexter let out a nervous chuckle as he rubbed the back of his neck. “No, not really.”
“What's wrong?”
Dexter waited a beat before he glanced over at me. “Can I share something with you and you promise not to judge me?”
“Of course.”
“I mean, I know that's a lot to ask, especially since we haven't really gotten into details about what you and I–”
“Dex!” I laced my fingers with his. “You can talk to me about anything.”
Dexter ran his thumb across my palm as he sat silently again.
I patiently waited for him. I could tell he was trying to find the right words, and I was not going to rush him.
I could understand how he was feeling; having the truth burning a hole in your chest and you wanting nothing more than to be set free, but there wasn't anyone safe enough to be vulnerable with. There have been plenty of times that I sat with my mom as we shopped for my fake wedding and wanted to tell her the truth about Lawrence and me. I hated I was wasting her time, and I hated that I was still helping him. When I really think about it, the only reason I haven’t come clean is because of pure embarrassment and greed.
“I'm a liar,” Dexter blurted out, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“W-what? What do you mean?”
“You know that I graduated not too long ago and I've been working on my game prototype for about a year.” Dexter began, staring down at his hands. “I never told anyone this, but I didn’t get my degree only to be a game developer. Yes, I thoroughly enjoy designing games, but my ultimate goal is to advance and become a game director. From there, I want to build my own studio like Sony PlayStation. I know it’s a wild dream, but–”
“No! Dexter, that’s incredible! Besides, dreams weren’t meant to be small. If that’s what you want to do with your degree, then go for it! What’s stopping you?”
Dexter briefly smirked before he stared down at the floor.
“It’s always been my dream, you know,” he sighed.
“I was alone a lot growing up. Kids made fun of me because I liked the library, or because I cared more about computer coding rather than going to parties. Creating new game ideas or getting lost in a new world was the one place I felt like I belonged.”
He swallowed.
“My parents paid for my entire education because they thought I was getting ready to take over their IT firm at Green Tech, and for four years, I let them believe that.”
My chest tightened.
“I’ve been lying to them,” he continued, voice shaking. “Every semester. Every check they wrote. They thought I was coming home to run the company so they could finally retire, and I—” He let out a sharp breath. “I don’t want that life.”
Jumping out of bed, he began pacing back and forth.
“What if they hate me?" he asked, running a hand through his locs. “What if they never forgive me? Or what if they disown me and never want to talk to me again because of all of the money and resources they wasted on me?”
“Dexter?”
“I keep imagining their faces when I think about telling them, and I…I don’t know how to do it.
” He gripped his chest as he stared blankly ahead, his breathing becoming short pants.
“I have been so selfish! They’ll have to go back in to try to find somebody else to take over Green Tech, and that'll mean it'll be longer before they can retire.”
I quickly grabbed Dexter’s arm, causing him to stop in his tracks. “Hey! Look at me.”
I cupped the side of his face and stared into his eyes.
I could feel panic fill the room with each short, staggered breath he took.
He was moments away from hyperventilating, and I knew the signs all too well.
There were plenty of times that I found myself having the same attack in the beginning stages of when Lawrence betrayed me.
Guiding Dexter down to my bed, I went to the bathroom and grabbed a fresh washcloth and soaked it with warm water.
Hurriedly coming back to the room, I placed the washcloth on the back of Dexter‘s neck as he sat with his head in his hands.
His body shuddered as he rested his head against my stomach.
“Shh, everything is going to be okay,” I whispered.
“I don't know what's wrong with me,” he said, his voice breaking. As he wrapped his arms around my waist, I ran my hands through his locs.
“Nothing is wrong with you, baby. I need you to breathe for me. Focus on my breathing…up and down.”
After a few moments, his breathing slowed down and began to match my calm breaths.
Leaning down, I planted soft kisses on the back of his head and then along his neck, each one a silent promise that he was not alone.
I wanted to do more for him to take his pain away, but I wasn't sure how to do so. The truth was, I was scared, too. Scared that I wasn’t enough.
I had spent so much time pretending I could hold my own lies and anxiousness that I didn’t know what it looked like to help someone without losing pieces of myself in the process.
So instead, I held onto him. I kept one hand in his hair, and the other on his back, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing beneath my palms. I let my heartbeat be loud enough for him to hear.
If I couldn’t take both of our pain away, I could at least sit with it, and for now, I hoped that was enough.