Chapter 4
Noa
At the bottom of the church steps stood a tall, broad shouldered, black suit wearing dark skinned young man whose face was faded out.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see any details on his face clearly at all it was just a complete blur.
Both of his hands adorned white gloves and were folded in front of him.
It was raining, not drizzling and not hard but just enough to set the melancholy tone in the autumn air.
As the rain fell it darkened his broad shoulders and coated his coat, but he never moved. He stood stoic, still and strong.
In my hand, I held the photo of the young boy, who happened to be standing at this very same spot at the bottom of the stairs at the church in the photo…
his faced blurred just as the man’s face in front of me was.
One of the funeral attendants approached the curb where the car I was sitting in was parked at, he walked up to the back door of the Denali with an umbrella and just before he reached to open the door the tall man that was standing at the bottom of the stairs behind him lifted one of his hands in a slight, smooth gesture and it was like the world paused. Time literally stood still.
The attendant stopped and nobody moved until I reached for the door handle and opened the SUV door myself. As soon as I opened the door, the rainwater hit against my skin, and even though the temperature in the air was mild the rainwater was so cold that it stung my arm.
Before stepping out, I looked down and there was a puddle of ankle-deep water that was pooling between the Denali and the curb.
Before I could move to step out, the funeral attendant had switched places with the young man that was standing at the bottom of the steps.
It happened so fast that I didn’t even see it happening.
All I know is that I looked up and the funeral attendant was no longer there and the young man was.
I still couldn’t see his face even though he was standing directly in front of me, but what I couldn’t ignore was the overpowering scent of cedar, sage and smoke that seemed to engulf the air between us.
He extended his arm and as I reached out to him and wrapped my arm around his, the rain instantly stopped, but only around us.
He didn’t need an umbrella as he escorted me to the church steps and led me into the grand church.
I blinked once and went from standing at the entrance being handed my mom’s obituary to standing directly in front of her casket.
She was laid in an iridescent pearl white casket looking like the angel that she was.
If it wasn’t for the fact that I was at the front of the church standing at her funeral I wouldn’t been able to be convinced that she was only sleeping.
No sign of sickness, or stress laced her face, just pure peace.
I stared down into the casket, my eyes glued to my mom’s face and a wave of deep emotion coursed down my spine causing me to close my eyes. When I opened them, the casket was empty then the incredibly loud ringing of church bells sounded off in a bone tingling tone that forced me out of my sleep.
Jumping up in the middle of the California king bed that I was laying in, I looked around the enormous hotel room, and in the distance, I could hear those same church bells that had startled me out of my sleep ringing.
Ever since my mom’s passing, not a single night went by that I didn’t dream of her in some way so dreaming about what her funeral could’ve been like had she been brought back here and buried was no surprise to me.
My eyes focused straight across from me to the dresser and the leather camera case with her remains.
My heart was so broken, my best friend was gone, and it was so very hard to accept because I thought we had much more time together.
Part of me felt blessed for having such a wonderful mom in my life and then there was a part of me that was building a resentment toward her.
Why she couldn’t speak about her past, she had to know that at some point it would affect me.
I sat in the middle of the bed trying to pace my breathing as a cold sweat hit me out of nowhere.
I looked at the nightstand next to me and the display on the digital clock read 12:12 pm.
Grabbing my phone, I checked the time and date and couldn’t believe that I not only slept the night away after checking in yesterday evening, but I’d also slept most of today away as well.
As I held my phone it started vibrating in my hand.
The feel and sound startled me almost as much as the church bells did.
I saw Julian's picture lighting up the screen and a smile tugged at my lips before I could stop it.
I missed my man, and in true Julian fashion he always presented himself at the right times.
Even though we were in two different states, I truly believed the emotional bond we had outweighed our physical one because he always found a way to be there for me even without knowing what I was doing or thinking.
"There goes my sunshine." His deep baritone voice instantly soothed all of the anxiousness inside me.
"Hey babe."
"You sound sleepy. You just waking up?"
I looked toward the clock again. "Yeah, I’ve literally been sleep since I checked in my room yesterday."
There was a brief pause.
"Oh wow! Really!"
"Yeah, I know."
"No wonder you never texted or called me back."
I had the call on speaker, and the phone was still in my hand. I checked my notifications and there were six text messages, four missed calls and one voicemail all from Julian. Instantly the guilt hit me. I’m sure he was probably worried sick about me.
"Damn babe, I’m sorry. Yesterday was a lot. Ion wanna blame it all on being jet-legged though. The weather didn’t help with all the rain. Once I settled in my room, I took a long hot shower then passed completely out."
“It’s all good baby girl,” his voice now softer than it was when he first called.
"No need to apologize, I was just worried about you. No matter what’s going on, you usually send a text.
I heard in your voice how tired you were.
You’re just an early riser, so for you to sleep half the day away makes me concerned. "
Taking a deep breath then exhaling, I closed my eyes.
I felt bad because I should’ve checked in, in any other circumstance, I would’ve and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would’ve been just as concerned.
The reason why Julian was able to always make me feel safe and secure in our long-distance relationship was because when we were apart, he was still always attentive and concerned about me.
No matter how frustrated he got, concern always showed up before anger did.
"You know I be worrying about you girl. Especially right now. Grieving, in a new place all by yourself, and not eating."
"Yeah, I know."
The mention of me grieving caused me to look toward the leather camera case again. Its presence hollowed something inside my chest, yet I couldn’t part from it. Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes and the silence between wasn’t uncomfortable. It never was with him.
"You had another dream about her, didn't you?"
"I did,” I responded, my throat feeling tight as I fought back a wave of emotion. “How do you always know?"
"Because I can hear it in your voice. I know you Noa, and I know this is hard for you. This is why I wanted to be there with you, but I respect your decision of wanting to do this journey alone."
I looked up to the left as I tried to fight back the tears, but it was too late. I couldn’t stop them.
“It’s just been so hard, Julian, but I do need to do this alone and I’m thankful that you’re giving me the respect and space so that I can.” That moment of silence between us peaked again before I continued. “I dreamt about my mom's funeral, and it was here in Magnolia Graves."
Julian didn't interrupt me. He didn’t ask any questions or try to give me any advice, he just listened.
"It was at Saint Mercy.”
“That’s that big church, right?”
“Yeah, how’d you know that?”
“I’ve been doing my research. You know I was gonna do my due diligence on a place my woman is at and neither of us know anything about. I was googling yesterday when we got off the phone.”
“Well, I drove past it yesterday and they were hosting a funeral at the funeral home next to it."
"Oh wow, that’s deep."
"Yeah."
As I wiped the tears from my cheeks, a small smile adorned my face. Of course, Julian researched the town, hell he probably knew more about the town than I did by now.
"She was so peaceful laying in a beautiful casket at the front of the church." I looked down at my shaking hands. "Even though she was cremated, in my dream she wasn’t."
"You know dreams don't care about facts they care about feelings. And the fact that you drove past a funeral then shortly went to sleep, you unconsciously had it on your mind. Her appearing in your dreams doesn’t surprise me at all."
I let what he was saying settle because it made plenty of sense. The dream wasn't about a funeral, I feel like it was more about a final goodbye which was something that I didn’t get.
"Not to jump subjects but how's the town? You went on a little tour yesterday and I never got to ask you more about it."
Getting out of bed I headed toward the hotel window.
The sunlight was peeking through the curtains so I pulled them open more so that the light could fill the room.
I was on the 8th floor, which was the top floor of the hotel, so I didn’t have to worry about people being able to see into the room.
I could feel the Georgia heat from just standing by the window, which was completely different than the storm that was going on yesterday when I arrived in town.
"It’s so beautiful here." My response came too quickly and too honestly and from the silence on the other end once I said it, I can tell that Julian noticed.
"So, you like it then."
"I wouldn’t say all that."