Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
Jacqui chain smokes on our way to Remy’s, her leg bouncing like machine gun fire. I squeeze her hand, a small gesture of reassurance I’m sure doesn’t penetrate. I’m remarkably calm, but then again, I’ve already lost everything.
I steer the Mustang into a spot along the curb, and it shudders to a stop when I kill the ignition.
In the few strides taken to snag my girl out of the passenger seat, I’ve smoked my cigarette down to the quick.
As I drop it to the pavement and stub it out with the toe of my sneaker, I remember… she’s not my girl, is she? Not anymore.
Taking Jax’s hand in mine, we walk to Remy’s apartment, and I push through the door without knocking. His glare fixates on our clasped hands, blue eyes flashing from me to Jax, then back to me.
“Dickwad,” he says.
“Asshole,” I counter. Damn, it’s good to see his stupid face.
He shakes his head. “Fucker.”
“Fucker.”
“We’re all fuckers,” Jax mutters.
I can’t stop my low chuckle because that’s spot on.
Remy impales her with a penetrating stare. “What the fuck, Jacqui? You up and leave the party without saying a goddamn word to anyone, and then don’t show up here all night?”
“I—”
“Didn’t it occur to you I’d be worried out of my fucking skull?” His cobalt eyes blaze. “Especially considering what recently happened to you?”
“You’re right,” she admits meekly. “Totally a jerk move.”
“Did your imagination run away with you a tad?” he hurls, and my jaw flexes. Obviously, they need to clear the air, but my defenses raise like hackles.
Jax glares at him, dropping my hand to fling her hair over her shoulder. “I don’t know…did it? The last thing I saw was your ass as you ran after Karin without a backward glance.”
“You know she’s refused to speak to me since we split, and you know we had unfinished business,” Remy throws back. “So yeah, when she showed up, I wanted my five fucking minutes.”
“Whatever. It sure looked like you were about to fall on your sword and take her back, so excuse fucking me if I misinterpreted.” She crosses her arms.
“That’s one hell of an apology, Jacqui, especially considering it looks like you just screwed the guy you’ve been crying about for months…without giving me another thought.”
The crying comment shoots straight to my chest.
“It wasn’t planned. I was angry and upset, and starting to freak out as I walked home. Mick intercepted me, helped me calm down. We cleared the air and then…”
Her words fade, like she’s not sure how to admit the potent lovemaking that transpired between us afterward. Remy’s posture remains stiff and unyielding, his eyes flinty as the three of us take turns eyeballing one another.
I break the silence, just to try and lighten this shit up. “That went well, don’t you think?”
Remy doesn’t crack a smile. “So, what’s the deal, Mick? You moving home? You two lovebirds back together?” His voice drips sarcasm, spite, and hurt—and it’s another shot to the chest. I haven’t seen my best friend in a long while, and this is not a reception I could have imagined.
I glance briefly at Jax then answer him honestly.
“No to everything. I’m here doing a favor for my mom and head back tomorrow.
I’m in a shitstorm over there, brother. No idea when I’m getting out.
The old man is bedridden, incapacitated, and spewing insults, only half of which I can understand.
I’m mostly on my own with this situation.
I already told Jax I’m not boyfriend material.
I’m on the Titanic and won’t drag her down. ”
Jax’s throat bobs, her eyes welling.
Remy scrubs the back of his neck. “That’s FUBAR.”
I nod. “Exactly.”
“I’m sorry, man. That really fucking blows.” He finally gives an inch, flashing me a look filled with empathy. He’s one of the rare people in my life who can understand.
“Yep.” I fetch my smokes and extend the pack to him in offering.
He ignores me and retrieves a cigarette from his own pack, the cheap disposable lighter bouncing when he tosses it on the coffee table.
His gaze lands back on Jax. “What about you, Jacqui? Got anything left to say?”
Her eyes remain glassy. “I’m sorry, Rem.
I don’t know what…” She pauses. “I love you…both. I don’t want to lose either of you, or for us to hurt each other.
Your friendship is the most important thing,” her voice hitches, a few tears rolling down her cheeks, “to me. Please, can we all work this out?”
My heart is a mangled and bleeding punching bag—and it can’t take any more hits. Remy and I share a glance, and I’m relieved when his shoulders sag, and he relents.
He envelops Jacqui in an embrace. “Damn you, girl. I can’t stand to see you cry.”
“I’m sorry,” she utters brokenly into his chest. “I never meant to hurt you.”
This is spectacularly painful. And yet, I want them both to be alright. More than alright.
Jax reaches her hand toward me. “Mick.”
I comply, ditching my smoke and moving behind her with my hands circling her waist. She’s now sandwiched between us. For a moment, we’re quiet but connected.
“Don’t even think of grabbing my ass,” I mutter to Remy.
“In your dreams, Tinker Bell.”
Jax exhales an uneven breath…but I think we’re through the worst.
I slap my palms on my jeans and stand. “I’ve got to split.”
We’ve spent the last hour talking, avoiding emotional topics. Despite the charged undercurrent, it almost felt like old times. There’s a modicum of comfort to it. Except everything’s changed.
“Me too,” Jacqui adds.
I give Remy a rough, back-slapping hug. “Take care of her.”
“Have been.”
Right. Jab.
Remy and Jacqui embrace tightly, intimately. “I love you,” she murmurs, loud enough that I hear it. Left hook.
“Love you too.” Uppercut. He cups her face and kisses her softly, their deep affection so obvious and…real.
K.O.
I’m barely standing, desperate to escape—only I’m never eager to leave this woman. Despite leaving her over and over again.
I walk Jax to her car and before she can say one word, I press her against the driver’s side door. One of my hands holds her beautiful face, the other guides the back of her head exactly where I want, and I kiss her until we’re both breathless.
We part, and I latch onto those bottomless golden pools, falling into them like a drowning man.
“I love you, Mick Callahan.”
Those five words are resuscitating, life fueling, and soul shattering all at once.
She loves me. Somehow, I knew—hoped?—without her ever uttering it before.
I’d have to be blind to miss the invisible tentacles latching us together.
And I love her, unequivocally, but won’t give her any false hopes by saying it out loud.
Maybe that makes me even more of an asshole.
Instead, I shake my head ruefully. “You are straight up heroin.”
She barely cracks a smile, staring at me earnestly. “Don’t let this be the end. I don’t know what the future holds any more than you, but one thing’s sure…we can still try and be there for each other. Don’t disappear into thin air again. I’m here for you.”
Oh, baby. Baby, baby, baby. This is why you’re too good for me. I’ll never drag her under, not the way things are in my reality.
“Live your life, Jax. Tomorrow is promised to no one. That’s never been clearer to me than now.
” I stroke her jaw with my thumb. “You are so beautiful. Caring. Giving. And your life is just beginning. You’re meant to fly, baby, not be caged.
” I shake my head, debating whether to say more, imploring her to hear the wisdom in my words.
“Mi—”
I cut her off with my lips, kissing her like there’s no tomorrow. And for me, there isn’t. But for her, there truly is—a bright, glorious future. One I want her to seize, own, celebrate.
She can’t do that if she’s hanging around my sorry ass.