Chapter 40
Forty
By some divine miracle, Remy, Jax, and I manage to spend time together without any bullshit drama. Sure, it’s an unusual dynamic—and I’m not saying it’s easy—but it’s far preferable to not spending time with either of them.
I was falling into a deep hole, and the isolation only created a bigger crater. Being with them lightens my load, even if it’s just for a few hours. I’ve missed them both terribly, more than my walled-off heart would allow me to acknowledge.
Am I jealous? Fuck yes.
Am I itching to lose myself in Jax? Fuck yes to infinity.
Am I going to do one thing about it? Fuck no.
My situation remains so screwed, I’m not in any position to change one aspect.
Although I’m giving more thought to what happens when the old man’s expiration date finally arrives.
What I could make happen before then since I’m not tethered to the house twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week any longer.
I start looking for marina jobs, hoping I can find a part-time gig, anything to start me in the industry while I’m in this purgatory.
And anything to take my mind off a certain honey-blond, curvaceous woman that my heart is reluctant to relinquish.
She’s the only woman I’ve really allowed in or truly loved.
And more than ever I believe that Richard Bach quote. “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.”
Not that I expect Jax to come back. She shouldn’t, no matter how glaringly, painfully attracted we are to each other.
I’m sure the sensible part of her knows I’m not good enough for her—or will at some point.
I want to be…but I’m clueless how to be that for her, or how to get out of my own fucking way.
I can’t even live my own life. All the decisions were stripped from me.
At least I opened up to her. Gave her something.
My hands rake through my hair as I huff. She deserves more.
So much more.