Chapter 40
Forty
“ B est band you’ve seen live?” I ask Butch, my latest question fired through the contraption connecting us across the eighty-seven miles. The only rule is to keep our answers short. Tonight’s been enlightening, funny, ridiculous.
“Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. They played four hours . Your turn.”
“Queen…Freddie Mercury was amazing .”
“Beach or mountains?”
“Beach!” I practically shriek.
“Very predictable, California. I’m going mountains.”
“Very predictable, Lumberjack.”
He snorts. “First kiss: good or bad?”
“Nerve-wracking and awkward. How about you?”
“I was scared shitless, had no idea what I was doing, but I liked it.”
“You’re acing it now,” I say, remembering our smoldering first kiss.
He groans. “Do not get me started thinking about kissing you, Jacqui.”
I snicker. “Moving on…celebrity fan moment?”
“I met Mario Andretti once at VIR and we talked racing for nearly an hour. Nice fucking guy. Didn’t even act like he was anyone special.”
“That’s mega cool . Not sure if this counts, but I’m friends with a Major League Baseball player. Have you heard of Terry Walton? He plays for the Pittsburgh Pirates but we’re all hoping he eventually gets traded to the Oakland A’s.”
“Don’t know him, but that’s a huge accomplishment.”
“My friend Kendra wanted to marry him.”
“Sounds like they’re not together anymore.”
“They’re not. You ever had a tough breakup?”
“Yes,” he says tersely.
“Me too,” I whisper. “You were in love?”
He sighs. “Thought I was. She was my high school sweetheart.”
“Even after the purple tux?” I joke.
Butch doesn’t laugh. “I…I can’t talk about this.”
I’ve crossed a line, I think. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“It’s not your fault. Sensitive subject.”
There’s a commotion in the background and he swears under his breath. “Hey, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say, reluctant to end on this note. “Goodnight.”
“’Night.”
Did he get off the phone because of that noise, or did I upset him? I launch to my feet, unsettled, and yank open the fridge.
I’m overthinking this. It’s nothing. He deserves his privacy.
I close the refrigerator, unable to concentrate and not the least bit hungry anyway. But my sixth sense hovers, casting doubt about Butch and his yet-to-be-revealed secrets.
What would make me “run the other direction”?
“What are you afraid of?” Butch asks.
I know exactly what he implies and it’s not about phobias. I’ve thought about this a lot as my attraction to him grows. “Losing myself.”
“How so?”
“I’m not sure how to protect my heart from breaking. When I care about someone, they get all of me. I lost myself once and it makes me reluctant to believe in anyone again.”
Butch releases a long exhale. “You have no idea how much I relate to that. Are you scared of this…the potential of us?”
“ Yes ,” I whisper. Am I seriously falling for another handsome, muscle-car-driving mechanic?
“Me too. It seems too good to be true, and that’s my biggest fear.”
“It does.” My gaze latches on a water stain spreading across the ceiling.
“You aren’t getting cold feet on me, are you?”
Isn’t that a wedding-day jitters thing? Do not weave marriage into this conversation . “Not yet.”
“But you’ve thought about it?”
“Truthfully? No. I really like you, Butch. And I mean everything about you. Do you have some ugly flaws you’re hiding from me?”
He hums. “We already determined I might be a serial killer.”
“I can put a hurtin’ on some Cap’n Crunch myself.”
After a pause, he barks out a laugh. Quieter, he says, “I more than like everything about you, Sundance.”
But will you always? Will it be enough? My unspoken fears hang between us.
“I’m sorry you’ve lost faith in love,” he adds. “Or at least in men. It takes a lot of resilience to push through heartbreak. ”
“Spoken like a true veteran.”
“Yeah,” he answers softly. “Which is why I’m fucked up about it too. I’d put the idea behind me.”
His use of past tense doesn’t escape me. Does that mean he thinks we have a shot? Why am I hopeful? Goddamn, stupid, motherfucking hope.
“And now?”
“Now I’m wondering if building a life with another person might be possible after all.”
My breath catches. “Because of me?”
“Because we’re good together. You feel it too, right?”
“Yes,” I admit.
“What if two people who don’t believe in love and never want to be hurt again took a risk?”
I tug at a loose thread on my comforter. “I don’t know, and that’s what worries me.”
“What if it turned into something far beyond what they could have ever imagined? Became the greatest love known in the history of the universe? What would you say then?”
I’m stunned into silence, Butch’s poetic words landing a direct hit. “I’d be inclined not to argue with the powers that be.”
“My point is, baby…no risk, no reward. Let’s stay open to whatever this is. Regardless of what happens, we both know we can get back on our feet again.”
Before I can answer, his voice turns gruff. “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place. I don’t care how tough?—”
“Are you quoting Rocky ?”
“Just trying to lighten up a bit.”
“If you were here, I’d kiss you. That’s how much I love that you just quoted Rocky Balboa.”
“I’ll take a rain check on that kiss.”
“Butch?”
“Yeah? ”
“You make me want to take the risk. Just don’t knock me out, okay?”
He hums. “You may not believe this, gorgeous girl, but you have the advantage in this matchup.”