Chapter 15 #2
If anyone has been a terrible friend, it’s me. Friends tell each other things. I know that, but actually doing it is… terrifying. Like handing someone a thread attached to your heart and waiting to see if they pull and unravel it. Now that she knows, I feel frayed.
“I should have told you.” I’m not sure I believe it, but she shouldn’t blame herself. I’m the one who chose not to share. And seeing the gutted expression on her face, I wish she’d never found out at all.
“You should have told her what?” Sullivan returns with two beers and sets both down in front of Kiara. She takes a big gulp before answering his question. “Hazel’s mom’s in the hospital with cancer.”
“Shit.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Sorry, Haze.”
“It’s fine.” They’re the least convincing words I’ve ever spoken. But I don’t want the pity on his face. It makes me feel raw and itchy, like everyone’s staring at me and I don’t know where to look or what to do with myself. “So, are you going to read anything, Sullivan?”
“Nah, not my thing.”
Kiara slams down her empty beer glass and jumps to her feet. “Well, I’m going to. So, better go add my name to the list.” She gives me a quick questioning glance, as if to say, ‘Do I even know you?’ It’s like a punch to the gut.
“Add Cosmos, too,” Ivy says.
Kiara grabs Ivy’s arm and pulls her out of her seat. “Come with me. You too, Sullivan.”
It feels like she’s trying to get away after realizing I kept something so massive from her, or like she’s trying to make up for not noticing by giving me time alone with Cosmos. What she doesn’t realize is we could have all the time alone we want. I shiver at the thought.
“Here,” Cosmos drapes his jacket around my shoulders. I don’t correct his misconception. The leather is soft and worn in. It smells of cardamom and coffee. Instinctively, I drop my nose to my shoulder and take a deep inhale before thinking better of it.
Cosmos chuckles.
Shit. He just caught me smelling his jacket. He’s going to think I’m a total creep. I am a total creep. I just didn’t want him to know it.
He scoots closer and rests his hand on the back of my chair. “I like how you smell, too.” He leans even closer and inhales right at the nape of my neck. “Like vanilla and peppermint.”
“I keep peppermints in my purse,” I blurt and then bite my cheek. What a stupid thing to say. Yes, I keep old-lady hard candy peppermints in my purse at all times, but he doesn’t need to know that. He wasn’t asking for an explanation.
He laughs softly, and I feel the sound reverberate along my spine. I want to turn toward him, but I’m afraid if I do he’ll lean back in his seat and retreat, and I like having him close, so I stay perfectly still. He twirls a lock of my hair in his fingers, holds it to his nose, and inhales again.
When he releases my hair, his fingers brush across my bare shoulder.
A light, tingly touch. I suck in a quiet breath and try to ignore the way my heart races.
I don’t look at him, but I sense he’s smiling, that he knows exactly what kind of effect he’s having on me and likes it.
This is dangerous ground, isn’t it? We shouldn’t be doing this. But… please don’t stop.
The microphone makes a squeaking sound, and Cosmos pulls away like he’s coming to his senses. I grab my drink and try to cool myself off by lifting the cold glass to my cheek. The next poet reads, but his words blend together. I’m too distracted to pay attention.
“I’m sorry about Ivy,” Cosmos says, leaning close to my ear so I can hear him over the clapping. “She shouldn’t have told your friend about your mom.”
My feelings are so completely mixed up, such a swirl of positives and negatives, that I don’t know how to answer. So, I fall back on my tried and true. “It’s fine.”
He studies me for a long beat. I pick up my drink and hide behind it, watching Kiara and Ivy talk animatedly with the woman taking names at the front of the room. Sullivan stands a foot behind them, arms crossed, with a subtle grin across his lips.
“So, tell me about your master’s program. Creative writing, right? What are you doing for your thesis?” Cosmos asks.
I don’t want to talk about my thesis. I don’t want to talk about Mom.
I don’t really want to talk at all. Thankfully, another poet takes the mic.
I could still answer Cosmos. Other people are talking softly while the poet reads, but I point to the stage and smile, as if I want nothing more than to soak up every word the mediocre poet says.
Cosmos doesn’t try to engage again. Kiara, Sullivan, and Ivy return to the table.
A woman gets up and reads a long sonnet about King Arthur.
A young pimple-faced teen reads a haiku about bullying.
And then Kiara’s name is called. She marches straight to the stage, takes the mic confidently in both hands and looks right at Sullivan.
“When I touch myself, I don’t think of you…”
She’s clearly trying to embarrass him, but after the initial wide-eyed shock of the first line, he regains his composure and smiles back at her in defiance.
I, however, feel as if someone struck a match to my cheeks.
I’m acutely aware of Cosmos shifting in the seat next to me.
The urge to crawl under the table makes my skin itch.
I always want to crawl into tight spaces when I’m uncomfortable or embarrassed.
Her poem shouldn’t be affecting me like this.
It’s not like I’m the one reading it, but I can’t shake my blush, and I definitely can’t look at Cosmos.
At the end of Kiara’s poem, the audience roars with applause.
Ivy jumps to her feet, the loudest of all, and Cosmos grabs her arm to pull her back down.
It’s the biggest response any of the poets have gotten so far.
Maybe Sullivan has a point about pandering to the masses. Like it or not, sex sells.
Kiara takes a bow and blows a kiss before walking off stage and joining us at the table.
Sullivan took Kiara’s chair when she went onstage, so she plops herself down on my lap.
I’ve seen Mom and Aunt Joan sit like this more times than I can count, but I’ve never had a friend so comfortable with me she’d sit on my lap.
It’s awkward. Especially when Kiara was just on stage talking about masturbation and I can sense half the guys in the room staring at us.
“Cosmos Romero.” The announcer calls from the stage. I’d almost forgotten that Cosmos was going to read.
Ivy yells and whistles as Cosmos saunters slowly up to the front.
Kiara jumps off my lap and takes Cosmos’ vacated seat, and I breathe a silent sigh of relief.
There’s a tension between us right now that I don’t like, and I wish we could go back to the easy, surface-level friendship we’ve always had.
When Cosmos reaches the mic, he smiles affectionately at his sister. Then, he shifts his gaze to me. Everything stops, and I’m afloat on a still sea. My body lights up, sparkling from the heat of his gaze, so intense and focused.
No matter what lies I tell myself, it’s obvious he’s interested.
He came here for me. It doesn’t matter, though, because he’s off limits.
Whatever this is, whatever cliff we’ve been edging along, it can’t go anywhere.
At least not while Mom’s a patient. And even after that, will he really want me once he gets to know me? No one else has.
He probably gets off on the forbidden nature of whatever this is, and once we’re allowed to date, he’ll lose interest. It’s pointless to think of him this much. There’s no way he thinks of me this much. Right? But he likes how I smell, and he makes the world stop. How can I not think about him?
Cosmos doesn’t hold the mic. He stands in front of it, posture stiff, like he’s a little uncomfortable.
His gaze shifts away from mine. If he reads the poem while looking at me, no one will hear it, or he’ll have to read it twice, so I understand, but I want him to look at me again the way he was looking at me a minute ago.
“A clock ticks somewhere
but here
the second hand
stops its forward march
to listen to my heart
thump, thump
thump, thump
ticking a sweet, singular song
the beat of a girl I just met
but have known since the first
second-hand met the first
minute-hand of every timepiece
her eyes a window into
every universe
every second of every hour
and I feel her
here,” he brings his fist to his heart, “thump, thump,
thump, thump
each time the clock
stops.”
The last word rings like a bell, and the entire room collectively holds its breath. Silent as the dawn. They’re frozen. Cosmos is looking at me, and we’ve stopped time again. We froze the world on his last word.
Everything melts away, except him and me.
And the confession in his words.
I was wrong about being his assigned study partner, about thinking he only wanted to experiment with this strange mystery.
I don’t understand how he could be attracted to me, but the feelings written on his face have nothing to do with scientific curiosity and everything to do with carnal desire.
The same desire I’ve been trying to deny feeling for him.
I swallow and look away, grab my glass, and chug water so fast I choke.
Kiara pounds on my back, asking if I’m okay.
I quickly recover my breath and jump to my feet.
Cosmos is making his way back to the table, and just watching him has my insides coiling tight, an energy with nowhere to go and no clear release.
If I give in to that look in his eyes, I’ll explode. Then he’ll realize what a disaster I am and ditch me like everyone before. I can’t go through that with him.
I need to get out of here.
Swinging around, I crash right into someone. I curse, mumbling apologies.
“Mack!” Ivy lunges, throwing her arms around the guy I just bumped into.
“Hey, baby,” he says and lifts her off her feet, attacking her face with his mouth. It might be the most aggressive public display of affection I’ve ever seen, and now I know for certain Ivy has a tongue piercing.
A throat clears behind me. Ivy laughs, and Mack, who I’m assuming is her boyfriend, sets her down.
“This is Mack, everyone. He’s the lead singer of Frog Fingers. Mack, this is my brother, Cosmos.” She pats Cosmos’ arm. “Be nice.”
“Considering your taste in men, that’s going to be hard,” Cosmos says, smiling, but there’s a bite to his words that makes it clear he hasn’t liked her previous boyfriends.
“Relax, man, I've got a sister, too. I get it.” Mack pulls Ivy into his side. He’s got his hand around her ribs, and his thumb is drawing circles along the side of her breast. Clearly, he doesn’t get it at all.
Without warning, Cosmos turns to me. “Would you give me a ride back to the hospital? I left my car there.”
It’s clear he doesn’t want to hang around and watch his sister get groped.
But, I have to give him credit for not trying to drag her out of here kicking and screaming like some white knight trying to protect a woman’s virtue.
She’s young, but clearly old enough to make her own choices.
Although I have to admit, I feel a slight urge to rip her away from the guy myself.
Especially when his hand slips inside Ivy’s tank top right in front of us all.
Class act, this one. Ivy seems to love the attention, though, and the expression she’s giving her brother is pure challenge, as if to say, ‘I dare you to do something about it.’ I’m guessing he hasn’t always let her make her own decisions.
A muscle in Cosmos’ jaw ticks, and I decide it would be a good idea for us to get out of here before his control goes out the window.
“Sure. Let’s go. Just give me a second.” I grab my purse, hug Kiara, apologizing again for not telling her about my mom.
Hesitating for just a moment, I bite my lip, then lean close to Kiara’s ear.
“Keep an eye on Ivy. She’s been drinking without her brother knowing, and I just want to make sure she doesn’t drive,” I glance at her boyfriend, “or get herself in any other trouble.”
I’m not entirely sure why I feel so protective of Cosmos’ little sister, but I don’t want her getting hurt, even if I think she should be able to make her own mistakes, and even though I’ll probably never see her again.
I don’t know where this thing with Cosmos is going.
If it’s even going anywhere. But I doubt it’ll last. Kane was my longest relationship—he even asked me to move in with him, although it was really more about convenience, since my lease was up and he couldn’t find a roommate.
Our entire relationship was only six months long, and as soon as he found a roommate and things started getting difficult with Mom, he broke up with me.
Cosmos knows about Mom, and I’m sure he understands how challenging it can be to be a caregiver. But he doesn’t know about me. And what a mess I am. I should probably keep it that way. ‘Cause as soon as he sees what an emotional nutter I am, he’ll leave just like everyone else.