Chapter 19
NINETEEN
kinda gross, but I also kinda like it
Arthur
I watched their entire interaction from the barn. I saw the way Alice carefully let them approach, that Gabriel smiled at her, and she smiled back, how she won over my niece easily, which didn’t surprise me one bit.
And when Cecilia started walking toward the barn with Ro, I saw how my brother laughed easily with the woman who’s occupied most of my thoughts over the last few weeks.
The kick to the gut, though? How she smiled and laughed back.
How she clutched her chest watching Cece.
I saw it then, a perfect little family forming right before my eyes.
It’s what my niece and brother deserve, and if it’s what Alice wants, it’s what she deserves, too.
As Cece gets closer, with Rosemary quietly walking alongside her, my nerves amp up. I try to still see her every few weeks when Gabe and I can make it work, but I’m always worried she’ll stop asking to see me. As I step toward the door and she spots me, she takes off in a full sprint.
“Tio!” There’s the smallest smile on her face, and I wonder if it’s being related to me that she gets that from. You gotta work for a smile from Cece, and I’m always willing to. She doesn’t have to work for one of mine, though. Seeing her face is enough to have me grinning from ear to ear.
“Hey, if it isn’t my favorite niece.” She barely comes to a stop before barreling into me, her little arm wrapping around mine in a makeshift Cece hug. When she looks up at me, she rolls her eyes. “Funny seeing you here. I had no idea you were coming.”
“Tio, your dad jokes are even worse than Daddy’s.” She tugs on my hand. “Where’s my horse?” I laugh, leading her into the barn, but not quite to Scout’s stall yet. I know Alice has a plan for introducing her to Scout.
“Cece, you know she’s not your horse, right?” I drop onto one knee to get a better look at her. She’s growing so fast.
“I know, I know. But for today, this is my horse to spend time with, right?” This kid is too smart for a five-year-old.
“That’s right. But before you meet Scout, we’re going to get your helmet fitted and show you a few important things. Then you can take a carrot over to Scout, and she’ll probably wanna be your bestie.” I boop her on the nose, and she scrunches it up.
“But Pickle is my bestest bestie.” She hugs the stuffy closer, rocking back and forth a few times.
“That’s right,” I agree. We all know how much she loves this thing. Pretty sure Gabriel has like six or seven as backup in case anything ever happens to it.
“But I guess if Scout is nice, she could be one of my besties, too. Like Daddy, and all the tios, and tias, and Vó and V? and Bisa.” She seems satisfied after she’s named all of her favorite people, but it makes my chest ache that she didn’t mention her mom.
“So, Miss Alice mentioned a helmet. What else do I need to protect myself with before going near a one-thousand pound animal? Daddy said I don’t need gloves to touch horses, and I’ve got my boots on, see?
” She stops and kicks out a leg in front of her, showing me her shiny black boots, I’m sure Gabriel had a hell of a time picking out with her.
“Those are perfect boots,” Ro says from next to us.
Cece nods, and that tiny smile appears again.
As we get her helmet sized and show her the different belts used during therapy sessions, she asks questions about saddles and a few other things.
We remind her that, for today, she won’t need them, but I know for her it’s important to understand things and have set expectations.
Alice and Gabriel walk into the barn, talking quietly, and all of Alice’s attention is on Cece. Like she did before, she crouches next to my niece, but doesn’t force eye contact.
“What do you think about the barn so far? Does it smell different in here?” Alice scrunches her nose, and Cece takes a deep breath.
“Yeah, it smells like what I thought a barn would smell like. Kinda gross, but I also kinda like it.” We all hold in a laugh at her answer, because she’s absolutely right. You either love this smell or you hate it.
“That’s a fantastic way to describe it, actually.” Alice chuckles as she moves on to the next thing. “And is there anything you’re curious about in here? There are a lot of new things to see and touch.”
“The helmet was cool. I learned horses need their hair brushed, and I see brushes around. Can I touch them?” The kid’s a natural. It’s like she was meant for this.
“Cecilia, you’re making my job too easy,” Alice jokes.
“Can I ask you one more question before we go explore the grooming tools?” Cece nods, looking at Alice’s face for the first time.
I can tell she’s studying her freckles, because it’s exactly what I do when I look at her.
“Do you prefer to be called Cecilia or Cece?” I’m not sure if my brother is getting all warm and tingly, too, but watching Alice with my niece is making me feel things.
I’m pretty sure this is what swooning is.
Do guys swoon?
Whatever. I just did.
“Whichever seems appropriate in the moment,” the five-year-old responds casually.
Alice looks up at Gabriel first, as if to ask, ‘is she serious?’ And then finally, fucking finally, her gaze lands on me. I give her a quick nod and a wink, and she blushes so beautifully.
“Uh, great. Okay, let’s go explore.” As she stands, she clears her throat, gesturing to the bench with tools left out for today.
“Your unc—tio,” she corrects herself, and my heart fucking gallops faster than Jasper when he hears the whistle indicating it’s time for dinner.
Alice looks at me briefly again before continuing, “is going to show you what we use to groom the horses. He’s the expert. ”
“I thought Rosemary was the expert since she’s been riding horses for longer than twenty-seven years.” Again, Cece is stating facts. Though I don’t know where that number came from.
“You’re right.” Alice chuckles. “But Arthur is learning from Rosemary, so you get two experts today.”
“Everything on this bench is safe for you to touch, Cece,” Rosemary explains.
“And we’ll tell you how we use them and what they’re for, if you want to know,” I add.
Cece nods again and reaches for a brush, not letting go of Pickle.
When Scout shuffles, a few stalls away, she looks up, searching for the source of the sound.
“Scout is right in there, but she can’t come out.
She doesn’t know how to open the door. We can stay here as long as you want, all right? ”
“All right, Tio.” She keeps touching things, exploring with one hand. “Did you know a horse’s heart is as big as a basketball?” she asks no one in particular.
“I don’t think I did,” Alice says. “Maybe that’s why they’re so good at making people feel better.
” It’s a nice sentiment, but I can see what’s coming next from a mile away.
My brother, who I’ve yet to talk to, looks at me with that same friendly smile he gave Alice and raises his eyebrows knowingly, waiting for Cece to be Cece.
“Actually,” Cece starts, “it’s because they have to run really fast, and they need big hearts to pump blood through their bodies.”
Alice pulls her lips between her teeth to keep from smiling or laughing. She’s as enamored with this little kid as we all have been since the day she was born, and I’m so glad I’m here to witness it.
After another thirty minutes of fielding questions, Cece decides she’s ready to get closer to Scout. Rosemary and I take turns showing her from afar how we approach the horse, and how calm she is. We explain what she can expect things like Scout’s mane to feel like, or what sounds she might hear.
When Cece starts to fidget with Pickle, Alice asks her if she’d like to go outside, and I stay back, giving them space. Gabriel stays, too, while Rosemary takes a few things back to the tack room.
Neither of us moves, but he’s the first to speak.
“That was really amazing, Art. You’re really good at this.
” His words hit their target like an arrow straight to my heart.
It should feel good to have my brother compliment me, but in my mind, all it does is highlight all the ways I’ve failed.
“And Alice managed to win her over quickly. She prepped us for nearly every possible outcome. She’s pretty incredible. ”
I remain quiet, but clench my jaw so tightly that my molars are about to crack. I sniff, crossing my arms to keep from responding to my brother’s clear admiration for the woman I already know is, as he says, incredible.
“She’s a little young for you, though, no? Twenty-seven… That’s eight years younger than you, old man.” Annnnd there it is. He’s trying to rile me up, and it’s fucking working.
“Guess that means she’s too young for you, too, then, since you’re all of a year younger than me.” I hardly even finish my sentence before he’s laughing.
“Who said anything about me? She’s going to be my daughter’s therapist. I’m not doing anything to get in the way of that.
” He turns to me, slapping a hand on my shoulder.
“Besides, it was obvious from the moment we walked in that you were jealous as hell. All we talked about was Cece and Alice had a few questions about her grandmother’s house. ”
Her what?
“I was giving her some advice, and she didn’t show any signs of being interested in me like that.
Not like how she nearly melted into a puddle on the ground when she looked at you earlier.
” He gives my shoulder a squeeze, not moving his hand.
“I miss you, bro. It’s been really good to see you like this today. ”
I lower my chin to my chest, trying not to let my emotions get the best of me.
Trying not to dwell on what he said about how Alice reacted when she looked at me.
Trying not to think about why she told my brother, a near stranger, about her grandmother, whom I’ve hardly heard anything about. “I miss you, too,” I manage to get out.
The rest of the afternoon is a blur. I somehow focus on my tasks, but barely, and for the first time, maybe ever, I’m thankful Rosemary went home early so she can’t call me out on my bullshit.