Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
you don’t have to beg
Alice
“You don’t have to beg,” I start, as my hand finds purchase on his torso, fisting his shirt.
“You don’t even have to ask,” I confess in a whisper.
And that’s all it takes. His lips touch mine in a kiss so reverent, so hungry and explorative, I’m not sure I’ll ever experience anything like it again in my life. I don’t think I want to either.
The way his fingers tangle in my curls has me floating into the night like the embers of the fire beside us, but his other hand clutching mine tethers me to the ground, reminding me this is real.
That his lips are, indeed, touching mine in a kiss that’s so much better than I’ve imagined these last few weeks.
He pulls back, resting his forehead on mine, but I can’t bring myself to let this moment end.
“Not enough,” I whisper before reaching for him, bringing his lips back to mine, begging with a whimper to never let this end. His response is his tongue tasting mine languidly as a deep groan builds in his chest. No other sound has ever made me feel so alive, so needed, so wanted.
When we finally break away from one another, the sky has darkened completely, and we’re both out of breath.
The sounds of the fire crackling, the people chattering in the distance, the nighttime insects buzzing nearby, all fade back in slowly.
I stare into his eyes, as dark as the night itself, and he stares back, his fingers still in my hair, but gentler now.
I shiver as the breeze hits my skin, and Arthur pulls my jacket from where it hangs over my bag, gliding it up my arms and tugging it closed over my chest. “Let’s go home?”
The word home has never sounded so sweet. And I let myself play into this little fantasy where his home is my home, where we come back to each other, day in and day out, because we want to, not because we have to.
We walk hand-in-hand to his truck, then drive back to a hotel that is certainly not home, but that makes this date feel much more like one.
As he walks me to my room, the heat of his touch on my back burns through my clothes, even as we come to a stop and I turn into him.
My stomach flips as a nervous energy rolls through me, and he must feel it as his grip on me tightens, his thumb drawing circles on my spine.
“I hate to be this person, but… what now?” And I do hate it.
I hate that I’m asking this moments after the best kiss of my life.
I hate that I suddenly feel the eight years between us because he is a man.
A real man. And I feel like a silly girl.
But I shouldn’t, because Arthur’s gentle smile immediately tells me he’s not worried.
“Now I need you to be sure that you want this. That you want me.” He kisses the corner of my lips, my chin, my jaw.
He leaves tiny kisses all over my skin until I’m ready to melt and mold into him so we can never be separated again.
“Because if you do, we’re not just roommates anymore.
Not just coworkers. Now we’re more. So much more.
” But when his lips land on my neck and goosebumps rise over every inch of my exposed skin, making me stiffen, he stops and waits for me to process his words. “You can tell me.”
“I—” Oh gosh, how do I say this? How do I do this? “I got out of a toxic situation last year, and I haven’t dated since. We’d been together for years, so I don’t really know how to do… this.” The heat from his kisses is replaced with the heat of embarrassment, but it’s temporary.
With a deep inhale, he runs his hand soothingly up and down my back, straightening to meet my eyes. “If this is all I ever get of you, Alice, to know what your hair feels like in my hands, to taste your tongue, and know how your body feels against mine, then it’s enough. It’s more than enough.”
“I want more.” I swallow quickly, so annoyed with myself for saying that without thinking. “I—I mean, I will want more. But not right now. Not tonight.” His patient eyes and his gentle touch coax me to continue. “I’m tired of being scared of anything good.”
“Okay. Keep telling me when it’s not enough and when it’s too much. Do you think you can do that?” As he traces my jaw with his fingertips and our bodies become flush with one another, I’m once again drawn into his warmth.
“I will,” I promise.
“Can I kiss you again, Alice?” His question, the way he says my name, it might all be my undoing because even though I told him not tonight, I’m tempted to drag him into my room and throw even more caution to the wind.
The only answer I can give is to pull him down to me and kiss him until we both run out of breath again. And when that happens, he wraps me in a hug, burying his face in my neck and holding me tightly for a few seconds.
“Goodnight, tesouro,” he whispers into my skin, stepping back with a sigh and a smile I’ve never seen on his gorgeous face before. A smile I know is all mine, only for me, and because of me. I want to see that smile every day and be the reason for it always.
I want the impossible.
The following morning is a little bit rushed as we make a stop at a hobby farm to see a sweet old mare who can no longer keep up with her young owner, and I walk away thrilled with the prospect of another therapy horse being added to the roster.
Before heading back to Ojai, we confirm Winston and Goaton Ramsay will be going to the ranch, and then it’s Arthur and me alone in his truck.
“You feeling good about the last few days?” He seems to catch himself and the double meaning of the question, and adds, “In regard to the horses, I mean.” His lopsided smirk makes me smile.
“I think the horses are going to be amazing.” Chancing a look at him, I note the tension in his jaw and reach for his hand resting on his lap.
“And I feel really good about everything else, too.” I might not understand why Arthur second-guesses himself so much yet, but I hope he can open up to me about it one day.
I hope I can open up about things I haven’t told him, too.
When we get back to the farmhouse, Paige is waiting with an excited Luther on the front porch. She holds on to his leash, knowing about my hesitance with dogs, but Luther hardly even pulls at it. He doesn’t bark, either. It’s incredible.
As we approach, Arthur gives him a quiet command along with a hand signal, which he follows. Once they’re done with their hellos, Luther sits again, facing me this time. And he waits with ears perked up and hopeful eyes.
“Hi, buddy,” I say to him quietly. Arthur’s grip tightens on the leash, and I’m thankful for the precaution, but I want him to know I’m okay, so I get on my knees in front of Luther and scratch his ears.
He leans into me, and if Paige’s gasp is any indication, what I do next is surprising to more than just myself.
I hug him. And the sweet dog rests his head on my shoulder, sniffing loudly before turning his face to lick mine. I giggle, letting him kiss my cheek.
“All right, Luther, that’s enough,” Arthur calls out gently.
“Jealous, boss? Your dog gets more action than you do.” Paige cackles at her own joke, and I laugh with her, watching Arthur’s cheeks blush as his heated eyes meet mine.
“I guess that trainer is really paying off.” I don’t understand what she means but there’s no time to think about what she’s saying because in typical Paige style, she continues on.
“Anyway, I’ll let you three be a happy family.
Thanks for letting Lu stay with me.” She gives us a salute and takes off to her car, peeling away down the driveway as Arthur shakes his head.
“That girl is a firecracker,” I say, getting to my feet. “And you, boss, are you jealous of your dog?”
He turns slowly, that gaze still burning through me.
“No.” When he steps into my space, he drops the leash and wraps both hands around my waist, pulling me flush against him right before his lips crash into mine.
My arms instantly wrap around his neck as I stand on my tiptoes, a low moan slipping out of me as he deepens our kiss.
“See, when Luther kisses you, you giggle and push him away when he doesn’t stop.
” He kisses me again, his tongue instantly finding mine, coaxing another needy sound out of me.
“And when I kiss you, you make these sweet little sounds and press your body closer to mine.” His lips lower to my neck, and I lean back to give him more access.
“You push your fingers into my hair and hold me to you like you want more.”
“I do.” I moan again when his tongue swirls on my skin.
“So, no, tesouro, I’m not jealous. Not unless you plan on letting anyone else kiss you like this.” He kisses my lips once more, so softly, it’s barely there, but with vulnerability embedded in it.
“I don’t. No one’s ever kissed me like you do,” I admit truthfully.
I’ve been kissed before, but it’s never felt like this.
Like the other person couldn’t bear to be without me.
Like I couldn’t bear to be without them.
Never. “And what are your plans, Arthur?” I hope he understands my need to know he won’t be letting anyone else kiss him either.
With his eyes locked on mine, he gives me the answer I crave. “Yours are the only lips I want, goldie.” And I know it’s the truth, because I know liars, and Arthur has never lied to me. He might not trust me with everything yet, but he doesn’t lie.
I reach up to kiss him again, but before I can, Luther shoves his face between our legs and whines, clearly not enjoying the lack of attention, and perhaps picking up on the new dynamic we’re about to test out.
And while we laugh at this sweet dog wedging himself between us, all I can do is hope I don’t mess it all up.
After unpacking my things and a quick shower, I left to go see Gran. One of the nurses said she was having a good day when I checked in earlier, so despite being tired, I decided to attempt a visit.
I knock on the door gently. “Gran?”
At the sound of my voice, she turns away from where she has a puzzle laid out on the table.
“Alice,” she sneers, and a chill runs down my spine at the familiar tone.
“What are you doing here? Isn’t the point of putting me in this place so you never have to see me again?
I hate it here, you know? I wish you’d left and never come back.
I could still be living in my own house, not in this hellhole.
” She scoffs, turning back to her puzzle.
The place she calls a hellhole is nicer than anywhere I’ve lived and costs thousands of dollars a month. The reason she can’t live at home is that she nearly burned the place down, but she doesn’t remember that.
Reminding myself this is her anger talking, and she’s dealing with an unimaginably difficult illness, I round the table and take a seat across from her. “I’m glad you’re trying the puzzles. Dr. Chen said this would be really good for you.”
“Don’t act like you care.” She tries a piece that doesn’t fit and tosses it in frustration, looking up at me with narrowed eyes.
“You probably look like him, with that awful curly hair and those freckles on your brown skin. I figured you’d be like him and take off when life is inconvenient for you, like you did when you were eighteen. ”
Whenever she talks about my father, it’s always to point out how I’m like him and not like her or my mother.
All my life, I straightened my hair to look more like them, even though I’ve always liked my curls.
I covered up my freckles with makeup, even though I always thought they were cute.
I avoided being in the sun because my skin is already so much darker than theirs.
Every part of me I love, I tried to hide so I could look more like Gran, more like my mom, more like I belonged in this twisted family.
I remain quiet because I know there’s no point in arguing with her. I know I’ll never win this battle, or any other. I also know that if I do, she’ll only make it worse.
With hard eyes still on me, she raises her voice.
“I don’t want you here. No one in this town wants you.
No one in this town has ever wanted you.
” I open my mouth to speak, but she keeps going, “I’m going to tell the nurses not to let you back in here.
Go, Alice. I’d rather die alone in this place than to have to look at the person who ruined my life for another second. ”
“Gran, I—”
“Get out!” she yells. “Get out of here. Leave!” Two nurses appear at the door upon hearing the screaming, and I stand, nodding at them to let them know I’m leaving. One of them stays with Gran while the other follows me out.
“I’m sorry. She had been doing great today.” Melissa, the nurse I normally speak to, places a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“It’s fine. She’s never liked me, so this is… normal. Minus the screaming.” I push my emotions as far down as I can, taking a deep breath before facing her. “Do you think she meant it about not letting me back here?”
Melissa sighs, shaking her head. “No. You’re her only family, so of course you can still come. Honestly, Alice, I’ve seen family members stop visiting their relatives for far less than what you’ve endured during your visits.”
I know what she’s saying, but when I left at eighteen, I was leaving my grandmother to enjoy her life. I was giving her what she wanted. Now, I’m all she has, and she’s my only known living relative. It’s not as easy to turn my back, even if some days I wish I could.
After getting confirmation that Gran had calmed down and was going to bed early, I walked to my Jeep as pain shot from my neck to my shoulders and back up to my temples.
I’ve grown so used to the pain that occasionally it takes a minute to even notice it’s there.
I wonder, sometimes, if I’ll ever have a day where my head doesn’t hurt, a day where my heart doesn’t hurt this much. I wonder if it’s possible to experience joy without also experiencing pain.