13. Lizzie
Chapter Thirteen
Lizzie
Iwould literally rather brush my teeth with toilet water than go to a fraternity party tonight, yet here I am about to walk into one. What’s worse, I’m here with Landon Carter. And that makes me nauseous.
To be fair, I’ve been queasy for most of the two weeks since I ended things with Holden.
Each text or call from him that I leave unanswered only worsens the burning in the pit of my stomach.
I keep seeing the look on his face and hearing the pain in his voice when I asked him to leave.
I thought maybe this would hurt a little less each day, but it hasn’t. Not yet.
What if it never does?
Landon has led me off to the side of the door for a lecture before we go in.
“Act alive in here tonight, Liz. None of that mopey attitude you’ve had lately.”
Landon cups my cheeks, and I want to scream at him not to touch me. It feels wrong. He’s holding too tightly, and his hands are too soft, not slightly roughened like Holden’s. He’s the wrong man.
“You’re supposed to be happy we’re a couple again, so get it together and don’t embarrass me in front of these guys.”
“Got it,” I answer. My voice is flat and unenthused.
He doesn’t notice and drops his hands from my face. Unfortunately, he grabs my hand and tugs me behind him as he walks into the house.
The party is in full force, music thumping, the smell of spilled beer surrounding us, and people everywhere I look.
I let Landon drag me around. I don’t care who’s here, and I have no desire to talk to anyone.
He heads over to one of the couches, and several younger fraternity members immediately vacate their seats, leaving us ample room to sit. When he slides his arm around my shoulders and squeezes, I want to push him off me, but I know that if I do, it’ll only serve to motivate him.
Men like Landon Carter thrive on discord.
To be honest, I don’t even know why he wants to be with me. Probably control. That’s what everything is about with him.
One of Landon's fraternity brothers, Kevin, slips into the chair next to our end of the couch and pulls a pretty redhead onto his lap.
“Hey, Dizzy Lizzie. Haven’t seen you around in a while. Where’ve you been?” Kevin asks.
Ugh.
I don’t want to talk to him. I offer him a small smile, but Landon speaks before I can answer.
“She’s been busy studying. She’s so eager to get out of here since I’m graduating after this semester. She’s going to apply for remote studying for her last semester, so she has to get excellent grades.”
My head whips toward him. I can practically feel my eyes bulging, but Landon doesn’t even look at me. He says it as if he gets to decide where I spend my final semester.
What an arrogant dickhead.
The redhead on Kevin’s lap tries to make small talk with me while she’s basically mauling his neck. It’s quite uncomfortable.
The smell of stale cigarette smoke mixed with body odor permeates the air around me, and my eyes start to itch. I have minor allergies to things like dust and smoke, but I think the amount in here is making it much worse.
“Liz, are you listening to me?”
Landon’s voice interrupts my thoughts, and I turn toward him.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was thinking about one of my classes.”
“How about we get something to drink? Actually, I’ll get something for you.”
Something in me immediately says no. I don’t trust him enough to let him get my drink.
Jesus.
What am I doing? Why am I with a man I don’t even trust not to drug me at a college frat party? They’re dumb questions.
I know why I’m with him. And it isn’t about love. At least not love for him.
Landon rises and grabs my hand again. It doesn’t feel like affection. It feels like possession. He leads me to the kitchen, and I walk over to the refrigerator and open it to see what’s there. I pull out a beer for him and a diet soda for me. As I turn back toward him, my world freezes.
He’s here.
No.
This cannot be happening. Why didn’t I ask more questions about which fraternity he was in?
Holden.
He’s wearing gray sweatpants and an athletic T-shirt that I’m pretty sure is from high school.
He lives here. There’s no question. Based on his relaxed clothes, it’s not likely he planned to be at this party.
I’m betting he was upstairs studying, or trying to study, with the noise from the party ruining any chance of a quiet night.
“Liz.”
Landon turns toward me, and I hand him his beer without looking away from Holden.
My eyes remain fixed on the man standing in front of me. The man I miss terribly.
“Hey,” I say.
Before I can put any more distance between us, Landon grabs the hem of my shirt and tugs me closer. He wraps an arm around my waist and draws me in until I have to turn my body sideways against his, as if I’m the adoring girlfriend who wants to gaze up at him. He isn’t the one I want to look at.
Holden’s eyes narrow, his face pinches. “You know each other?” Landon asks.
He knows damn well that we know each other.
Neither of us responds at first, but then Landon’s fingers digging into my side let me know he expects an answer.
Holden hasn’t taken his eyes off me.
“Yeah. Holden comes to study at the library, so I know him from there,” I say, trying to keep any emotion out of my voice.
“What’s going on here?” Holden asks. He gestures between Landon and me.
“What do you mean? My girlfriend and I are getting drinks. You’re so weird, little Aron.”
My eyes are laser-focused on Holden’s face, hoping he can see through my expression, through my eyes, that I’m begging him not to say more.
It will only make things worse, even though I know Landon already knows about us.
If he didn’t, he never would’ve made the comments he made when he showed up unexpectedly at my place.
“Well, if that’s all, we’re gonna go back to the party,” Landon says.
Landon leads me past Holden, and I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye. I haven’t seen him in the two weeks since we broke up. I quit my job at the library, figuring space is probably best. Thankfully, Anita hired me part-time to help in her café.
We get our seats back when we return, and now, another one of Landon’s fraternity brothers is sitting nearby. They all start talking, and honestly, I don’t really care what they’re talking about. I’m distracted, wondering where Holden is and what he’s thinking.
I don’t have to wonder for long because, instead of going back to his room, he’s standing off to the side talking to a guy. His eyes never leave me the entire time I’m looking. I quickly divert my gaze, knowing that if Landon catches me, things are going to escalate.
After a while, I need a break from these guys.
“Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and maybe get a little fresh air.” I point toward my eyes. “My allergies are acting up in here.”
Landon’s eyes pierce me. “Okay. Don’t be gone long, though. I’ll miss you.”
That little vomiting emoji immediately pops into my head.
Fitting.
He won’t miss me. He’ll probably time me, but he won’t miss me.
I rise from my seat, and before I can take my first step away, Landon grabs my waist and tugs me down.
I don’t see it coming, but when his lips meet mine, everything feels wrong.
“See you soon, babe,” he says after kissing me.
I simply nod because I’m sure if I try to talk right now, my trembling voice will raise suspicion.
I shoot a quick glance in Holden’s direction, and sure enough, he’s still watching.
He probably saw.
I find the restroom and wait in line, and when I step out, I realize I’m not far from the kitchen door that leads onto the back porch. So, I decide to head outside for cleaner air.
It’s a nice night, so there’s plenty going on out here, too. It’s basically a replica of the inside, except with people crowded around a firepit.
I walk around to the side of the porch, wanting a place where I can quiet my thoughts.
When I find a secluded spot, I lean back against the brick wall and close my eyes. I focus on taking slow, deep breaths.
“Lizette.”
My eyes fly open.
I know that voice.
God, I’ve missed that voice.
“You can’t be here,” I warn him.
“Why not?” he asks. “It’s communal property.”
“I mean with me.”
He doesn’t answer right away. Even in the darkness, I can tell he’s glaring at me.
“You kissed him.” There’s an accusation in his tone. “You’re the last person I kissed, and I wanted to keep it that way. But I’m clearly not the last person you kissed, am I? What’s going on?”
“Nothing, Holden. We just, us...it wasn’t real. It was two kids hanging out in the library, not real life.”
“Because you wouldn’t let it be. Every time I asked you to do something outside those damn library doors, you got weird. Were you already dating him?”
“What? No. How dare you?” My tone betrays my shock and disgust.
“Then why are you with him?”
I look away. “Because I care about him.” The lie rolls off my tongue far too easily.
“So, you and I had what we had. We were starting something, and suddenly, you have feelings for this other guy?”
“He’s my ex. The feelings”—I swallow past the lump in my throat—”the feelings never went away. They were always there. We talked things through, and I didn’t want to throw away years of a relationship.”
He stares at me for an awkwardly long moment. Maybe it’s only seconds. It doesn’t matter. The look on his face sears into both my heart and my memory.
“I don’t believe you.”
My chest tightens.
“I don’t believe you have feelings for him. I don’t believe that you don’t care about me. Please give us a chance to talk this through so I know what I did.”
My heart aches hearing him think this is somehow his fault. “You didn’t do anything. I just... I care about him.”
“The same way you cared about me?” His response comes immediately.
“Don’t. I’m not answering that.”
“Lizette. This is a mistake. I know I didn’t misread what was happening between us. Tell me what I need to do to fix it.”
“You can’t fix it!” The words come out louder than I intended.
I realize I’ve been gone a while, between waiting for the bathroom and hiding out here. Landon is probably getting impatient.
“I have to go.”
He steps closer. There’s barely a foot and a half between us.
My heart pounds in my chest. I bite my lower lip, then immediately stop when pain flares. The stress sore is back.
I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have. But if I’m going to set him free, I think causing him pain might be necessary.
“Look, Holden, I don’t know what you thought was happening, but I was...
I was just having fun. And I’m sorry if I misled you, but Landon is who I want to be with.
He’s...” I trail off because I can’t even think of one thing I like about him.
“I can’t even describe all the things about him that I like. ”
He takes another step closer. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do. I want to explore what it could be with him.” I hate the next words before I even say them. But I also know they’re probably the only thing that will finally make him walk away. “I’m choosing him. I weighed my options, and he’s the better choice for me.”
Pain flashes across his face. His eyes lock on mine for a solid thirty seconds.
“I—”
But then he steps back. Far enough that I can easily walk past him. I take a few steps before stopping.
“Goodbye, Holden. You’re going to be a great engineer someday.”
Then I hurry back into the house.
“What took you so long?” Landon asks when I find him.
“There was a line for the bathroom, so that was at least ten minutes. I only got a few minutes outside.”
He studies my face as if he’s trying to be a human lie detector. Then he nods and returns to his conversation.
The next hour passes slowly.
I don’t understand why Holden would stay here and watch me with Landon, but he does.
Instead of retreating to his room, he’s sitting in a chair in the corner with a guy I assume is his friend.
Several girls have gathered around them. Two of them are very obviously competing for Holden's attention. When he shoots me another glance, I watch his eyes dart between Landon and me. Then he looks away and pulls one of the brunettes onto his lap. He gives her his full attention.
I should be relieved. Instead, I feel irrationally angry watching her touch him. I know it’s hypocritical.
Over the next half hour or so, I keep checking on him when I think no one is paying attention.
I don’t catch him looking at me anymore.
I do see his hands on her face. In her hair.
I see what looks like a fairly intense make-out session.
She whispers something to him. Even from across the room, I notice his shoulders tense.
But then he rolls them and returns to whatever version of Holden he’s trying to be tonight.
The girl stands and extends a hand toward him. He glances at me one last time.
Our eyes meet.
Then he rises, takes her hand, and follows her toward the stairs, where he then takes the lead.
My stomach drops.
She follows behind him as he guides her upstairs. When they reach the top landing, he kisses her again. Then he opens the first door on the left, and they disappear inside.
I don’t have any right to be upset. But I am. Watching him kiss another woman like that...
I know I’m here with another guy. But I tried my hardest not to throw the physical in his face. Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe when he told me about his past, he wasn’t completely honest.
For the first five minutes since they disappeared behind the door to what I assume is his room, I kept telling myself it was nothing and maybe he was just showing her around.
After another forty-five minutes pass, I feel like I’m moving through a fog. I know what’s probably happening up there.
I glance toward the stairs again.
This time there’s movement. The girl steps out of the room first, straightening her clothes.
My stomach twists.
A second later, Holden emerges. He pulls the door shut behind him, then leans against the railing and looks down.
How he can make eye contact with me after what he was likely doing is beyond me. So, I peek at him for only a second before turning away.
It’s loud enough in here that I have to lean close to Landon's ear.
“I’m really not feeling well. I think my period's starting.” The trusty period excuse gets me out of a surprising number of situations.
“Go lay down in my room.” That’s Landon's answer, just like that.
“I want to go home.” He ignores me. “Landon, please.”
“Why don’t you call an Uber? You’re still on my account.”
Nice.
“Okay, fine.” I order myself a ride, but on my own account.
When I get the notification that my driver is five minutes away, I glance toward Holden one last time.
He’s kissing the brunette again.
I use the opportunity to say goodbye to Landon and head for the door.
Outside, the night air is cold. I didn’t bring a coat. But I’d rather be cold than stay in there.
Besides, I need to get used to it. This is my life now.