Holden
Chapter Eighteen
It nearly killed me to walk away from Lizette’s apartment a few days ago to give her space. If Hayden hadn’t escorted me home, I probably would’ve barged downstairs to the old bakery, where I assume she went, and tried to talk to her.
Not that I know if she’ll even talk to me. I handled everything wrong back in college. Horribly wrong.
Looking back, I found some temporary, warped sense of satisfaction knowing she had to repeatedly witness other women who would choose me.
True, they chose a version of me they thought they were getting.
The version they wanted for a good time, not really caring about the me on the inside.
Which is probably for the best. They wanted a simple, uncomplicated version of me. By then, that’s all I had left to give.
Why do I feel bad? She’s the one who pretended.
I’ve never been able to reconcile in my mind why she spent all those evenings with me.
Why she shared things with me about her dad leaving and her worries about her mom.
What sense did it make for her to open the door to her heart, only to slam it shut again in such a harsh way after I fell for her?
Maybe that’s why I’ve been sitting here on this bench in the town square staring at her storefront for over an hour. I need answers, and if I get them, surely I can move on with my life. I can forget the girl I fell in love with between the stacks of our school library.
I take a few deep breaths and rise. As I walk the several hundred feet to the shop, some of the tension, the anxiety I’ve been feeling lately, falls off me. Not all of it, but some.
I’m a creature of habit. Not coming to Ella’s every morning has definitely impacted me. My days feel off, and I often have a sense that I’m forgetting something. I’m more anxious than I’ve been in a while.
When I approach the storefront, I notice brown paper covering all the windows. Interesting. I wonder what she’s doing in there. I look around until I find a small tear that gives me just enough of an opening to peek inside.
That’s exactly what I’m doing when the main door flies open, and I jump backward.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
A narrow-eyed, red-faced Lizette stands in front of me, clenching her fists. Hopefully not in preparation to punch me.
“Shit! You scared me...”
“Really? As badly as you would be scared if you were cleaning inside and felt, then found, a creeper lurking in your window? Because that’s what you just did to me.” Anger radiates off her.
I shove my hands into my jeans pockets and rock back on my heels. Jesus, she’s even gorgeous when she’s pissed and wearing beat-up jean shorts and a paint-splattered T-shirt.
Her shirt reads: Fork Around and Find Out. Below is a graphic of a piece of pie and a fork.
She must catch me looking because she glances down at the shirt, then back up at me with those hypnotizing eyes.
“What? It’s a T-shirt I had made for my old bakery. It’s a pun.”
I grin at the implication that I don’t realize it’s a pun.
“What are you doing here, Holden?” Her voice sounds tired, missing the usual energy and spunk I remember from the past.
“I could ask you the same question. I live here and work here.”
“Yeah? Well, so do I now.” She sighs, walks into the bakery, and heads over to a booth. I take her in as she places her hand over a crack in the vinyl upholstery, then sits down on it and drops her head back to rest on the top of the seat.
I step just a few feet inside the door and then stand still.
I’m at a loss for words. What do you say to the first and only woman you ever truly loved when you haven’t seen her for a decade and left things broken between you?
Badly broken. Turns out I don’t have to decide what to say because she beats me to it.
“Listen, I realize now that this was all a mistake. Moving here. But the problem is, it’s too big for me to fix. At least right now.”
She glances down at her hand and scratches one fingernail with the other, a nervous gesture I recall her doing once in a while when we were young.
I walk over to the booth, and when she glances up, I gesture to the seat opposite her.
“May I?”
She doesn’t answer right away. There’s a war of emotions raging through her expressive eyes. The problem is I can’t read those emotions clearly anymore, and I hate that.
She nods, and I sit.
“I think maybe we should just acknowledge that this is really weird and get some basics out in the open,” I suggest.
“Okay,” she whispers. “I can do that. Let me go first, though.” She pauses, waiting for my agreement, and I nod. “I didn’t know you were here. I’ve been friends with Georgie online for several years, but I actually didn’t meet her in person until a few years ago. And...”
I wait for a few seconds, but when she doesn’t continue, I gently prod.
“And?” I take care that the inflection in my tone isn’t sarcastic or pushy.
“And I’ve been living in Elladine for about five and a half years before I moved here.”
I feel my mouth gape open, and my eyes bulge. She’s been living that close? Close to Meadow Creek, where I grew up, and even nearer Aron Falls, where I live and work now?
I’ve been less than an hour away from her all this time. From the woman who worked her way into my heart all those years ago, then decided I wasn’t enough.
“You disappeared. You didn’t finish school,” I blurt out.
Her eyes narrow, and she frowns. “I did finish. I finished remotely.”
Her words are hushed, and she doesn’t make eye contact with me.
“Why? Why didn’t you come back?” My voice is rough with emotion.
She takes a few shallow breaths in rapid succession, then sighs so softly that I almost miss it.
“That isn’t what we’re talking about right now.
I’m trying to explain how I landed here, so you don’t think I’m some weirdo who found where you live and moved here because of you.
And in fairness to me, you said you lived in Meadow Creek and wanted to leave Ohio when you graduated.
So, I never expected you to be here in Aron Falls. ”
I open my mouth to speak, but she hasn’t finished.
“In retrospect, it was stupid of me not to put two and two together and think there might be some connection between your family and Aron Falls.”
“Yeah, my great-great-great-something grandfather founded the town. Yet somehow, we ended up living in Meadow Creek all my life.”
She nods and takes a deep breath, then continues. “So, I left Hollow Hills because... because, um, I needed to. I mean, I didn’t need to, but I wanted to move away. I moved to Elladine, opened a bakery there, and grew it into a really great thing for me at the time. But then I had to go again.”
She quickly adds, “It just didn’t work out after a while.”
She’s jumpy. Evasive, almost.
“So how do you know Georgie Porgie?” I figure if I change the subject for a few minutes, maybe she’ll relax a little bit.
She laughs, and there’s a hint of her pretty smile that I haven’t seen in so very long. I knew I missed it, but hell, seeing it now makes me realize its beauty had faded somewhat in my memory, and I hate that.
“You remember how I like to read romance books, right?”
“Yeah.” I’m not sure where this is going. Does Lizette write books, too?
“Well, I was kind of bored in my evenings and also looking for a little extra money, so I started proofreading for some authors. Georgie ended up being one of those authors.”
“You've been proofreading Georgie's smut books?” I can’t hide the amusement in my tone.
“Hey! They’re not smut. Not that there’d be anything wrong with it if they were, but these are romances with open-door sex scenes. The intent of the book is to tell the love story, and the sex scenes just add spice. But anyway, unless you read it, you won’t understand.”
I lean back in the booth and cross my arms. I smirk.
“Oh, I’ve read everything she has put out. Nice job on the proofreading, by the way. I never find an error in her books.”
Her eyes nearly pop out of their sockets, and I’m pleased I’ve managed to surprise her. She smooshes her lips together as if she’s trying to stop herself from saying something.
“What?” I ask. “I kind of got hooked on them back in college.”
There’s that smile again.
“They’re like reading directions on how—” I stop myself before I say anything that sounds as chauvinistic as it probably was going to, but not soon enough.
The softness in her features disappears, and it’s clear she realized I was about to make a stupid joke about reading romance books to help me know what women want in a man.
She looks out the window, reaches up and tightens her ponytail, then twirls it for a few seconds. When she glances back at me, every part of me burns to tell her that was stupid and I didn’t mean it.
Something about the look on her face holds me back.
“Listen, so I knew that Georgie’s best friend played football, and I knew he had brothers, but honestly, I never paid much attention when she would say names because it was confusing.
I remember hearing Henry and Heath, but that’s about it.
I swear I never remember her saying that Heath had a brother named Holden. Jesus, if I did, I wouldn’t be here.”
“Ouch. Tell me how you really feel.” My tone is teasing, but her words sting.
“Come on, Holden. It’s no secret that things are awkward. Let me just say that I thought Aron Falls would be a good, safe place to live. A nice place to rebuild a life for me and—”
Now she’s the one who stops herself.
I don’t like that she said safe in a way that sounded like she hasn’t always been.
Didn’t she feel safe in Elladine? It’s basically just a bigger version of Aron Falls.
I’m going to have to pay attention and see if she keeps saying things like that.
It worries me. But I feel like a dick because what concerns me more—what I dislike more—is that she said me and...
Who is the “and”? Maybe a pet. Hopefully.
“Do you have a dog?”
Her forehead wrinkles in confusion.
“That was random, but no, I don’t have a dog. Though I’ve thought about getting one.”
“Oh, okay.”
That tight feeling I get in my chest when I’m anxious creeps its way into my body. Why, after all this time, do I still react so strongly to her? Shock at her being here must be the reason. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
“I don’t really have a choice at this point but to stay. I can’t keep moving and buying businesses. I planned to put roots down here and stop picking up and going. It’s too much to do that over again.”
Out of nowhere, she jumps up from her seat as if something bit her on the ass.
“Well, did you come by because you need something? I really need to get back to cleaning.”
“No. I’m just... I used to come here all the time, and I was wondering if it was almost ready to open.”
She tenses and gets that deer-in-the-headlights look. She swallows, and it draws my attention to her slender neck.
“Not quite yet. There was more work than I anticipated. I’ve got the cleaning mostly done, then I’m going to paint.
I’ll put the flooring in myself, and a friend from Elladine is going to put in a new counter.
He said he’d help with anything else I needed, but I’m not sure what that would entail yet. ”
Her cheeks flush a rosy pink. “Sorry. Not sure why I told you all of that. I’m rambling.”
I don’t want to stop talking to her, but I also know she needs to get back to work, so I rise.
“Okay, sorry to have bugged you, and if I freaked you out.”
“I’m fine.”
“Did you finish all the painting upstairs? I’m sorry I didn’t stay and help.”
She laughs and attempts to smile, but it only makes her look sad.
“Yeah. I think it was best that you didn’t. Your friends and family are so kind, and we did get it all done.”
“Oh, Lizette—”
“Please don't call me that,” she snaps.
I’m a little taken aback by her reaction. “What do you mean? I always called you Lizette.”
“Yeah. Please don’t do that. I prefer Lizzie now.”
Why? Lizette is such a beautiful name. It was my name for her... Oh. That’s probably why.
“Okay. Sorry. I’ll do my best to remember.” Flustered, I grip the back of my neck with one hand. “Anyway, I guess just let us know if you need anything.”
I walk to the door, and she follows, her hand on it, ready to close it when I leave.
When I get to the threshold, I stop and turn back to face her.
“About your comment earlier regarding my friends and family, there’s something you should know. Yes, they’re mine, but the way it works around here is that they’re yours now, too. Ruthie proclaimed it on that day at your place.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“When we first saw each other again, Ruthie put Georgie and me in our places and told everyone that you belong to all of us now. You’re not just Georgie's friend or my—”
Her color pales, and I swear her eyes glisten. She swallows, and her mouth parts slightly as if she’s going to say something, but she doesn’t.
I watch her for a few more seconds and decide I need to let her off the hook.
“So...” I force a smile because I don’t feel much better than before I got here. “Sorry I scared you, and, uh, welcome to Aron Falls. I guess I’ll see you later.”
“Goodbye, Holden.”
As I turn to walk away, I hear the scraping of wood against wood as she shuts the door.
It’s the sound of not just one lock clicking but a second one as well.
Ella never had more than one lock. I know because I fixed it for her multiple times.
So, why does Lizzie have two, and why is she locking the door on a beautiful summer day?