Holden
Chapter Thirty-Three
My dad died at the top of the hill to my right.
I’m sitting on the bench. My dad’s bench. I come here sometimes when I need to talk to him. Today, though, I’ve just been sitting in the stillness of the surrounding woods.
He was forty-eight and out running when he had a heart attack and died up there.
Sometimes, I stare at that dirt trail and think about my dad climbing it.
We have a marker at the top, but I had the bench put in down here.
It has gorgeous craftsmanship, with an elm tree making up the back to represent our tree at home.
I never look at the elm at the house I grew up in without thinking of my dad.
“Are you okay for some company, or do you want some time alone?”
I glance up, unsurprised to see Harrison standing there. I know he comes here too, lately. I think we all do occasionally, but Harrison and I are definitely the most frequent visitors.
“Sure. Have a seat.”
“You done talking to Dad?” he asks.
“Yeah. We were just being quiet today.” I pause, as he’ll understand what I mean. “I wish he were here. We really need him, you know?”
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I know. I’m no substitute, but do you want to talk about what’s going on with you?”
I kick the dirt below my feet with the toe of my shoe as I stare at the ground, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.
“I don’t even know if I can, or how to do it.”
“You just start talking. That’s what you guys always made me do whenever Delaney and I had problems.” He gives me a few seconds to respond, and when I hesitate, he continues. “It’s about Lizzie, right?”
“Yeah. It’s about her.”
“I still can’t believe she’s Library Girl.”
I chuckle and shake my head.
“Do you remember that night at the cabin?” Harrison asks.
“Which one?” I know what he’s talking about, but I’m not sure I’m ready to go there.
“The night all five of us were there playing Crazy Eights for hours. The same night you started buddy reading with Georgie.”
“Hey, if you’re gonna mess with me about that, all I’ll say is you don’t know what you’re missing out on. Plus, we don’t really buddy read anymore.”
A small grin pulls at Harrison’s mouth. “It’s also the night you told us you met the woman you were going to marry.”
“Yeah. You all ripped on me and basically told me it was a stupid thought. Said I didn’t know her well enough yet.”
“And we were wrong.”
What?
I glance at him. “What do you mean? You know how it ended.”
“I know whatever happened between you two in college broke something in you.” His voice remains steady. “You’re a wonderful guy, Holden. A great man. But there’s always been this… this sadness under the surface after that.”
I swivel my head toward him. Is this a joke?
“What the hell, man? You’re freaking me out a little.” I laugh under my breath. “Aren’t you the brother who doesn’t talk about emotional stuff?”
Harrison snorts. “Delaney’s changing me. And don’t deflect. This is about you, and you know what I’m talking about,” he continues. “Are you denying it’s there?”
I hold his gaze for a few seconds before looking away again.
“No,” I admit quietly. “It’s always been there since that happened.”
“Hmm.”
That’s all he says. Then, after about thirty seconds of dead silence, he clears his throat and speaks again.
“Do you think this could be your second chance?”
“I don’t know. I’m not even sure she’d want that.
” I drag a hand through my hair. “And once in a while, there’s a hint of something—tension, maybe—coming from her.
It’s almost like she’s hypervigilant, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
And I don’t know how to let myself fully dive into this when there’s still something in the shadows that could destroy everything again. ”
The thought alone makes my chest tighten.
“I’m not sure I’d survive it a second time.”
Harrison stays quiet for a few beats.
“This is where I need Dad. No offense,” I toss him a quick glance, “But Dad would’ve probably taken me out fishing by ourselves, and somehow I’d end up knowing what to do by the end of the day without even realizing he’d told me.”
Harrison chuckles. “Yeah, he was great at that. Giving you the advice you needed without it even seeming like you talked about the issue you were struggling with.”
I reposition myself upright again and smile. “He took me on one of those fishing trips when I was so torn up about Ruby, and I swear, after that was the first time I could take a few baby steps to fight my way out of the downward spiral I was in.”
Harrison clears his throat. I don’t look at him in case he’s tearing up. He wouldn’t want me to see that.
“Uh, is that your way of asking me to take you fishing?” His light joke is the perfect way to relieve some of the heaviness around the conversation.
I laugh. Every once in a while, our serious Harrison can crack a good joke. After a few seconds, we ease into a comfortable quiet for a minute or two. My brain, though, keeps chattering away, disrupting my peace.
“I worry that my approach to relationships has finally caught up with me. I suspect Lizette knows my reputation, and she probably doesn’t trust that I could change.”
“Have you told her why you do it?”
I turn and look at him. “What are you talking about?”
“The hookups. The rules. All the distance you keep between yourself and other people to protect your heart.”
I let out a sharp breath. “First of all, you guys always made me sound way more active than I ever actually was.”
“Hmm. Why didn’t you correct us?”
I shrug. “It was easier to let everyone believe it than have people bugging me about why I hadn’t settled down. People trying to fix me up…”
I look over at him to find him watching me intently.
“Have you explained any of that to her?” he asks.
“How do you explain to the woman you might love that you spent the last ten years having occasional hookups and avoiding anything remotely resembling a romantic relationship?”
“You tell her the truth.”
“That’ll go over really well.”
“I mean the real truth.”
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
He tilts his head and fixes his gaze on me. “Tell her being with those women was never about wanting another woman.”
The words hit harder than I expected.
“You refused to let anyone in. I’m betting when the pain you were in became unbearable, you used the physical to outrun everything you didn’t want to feel anymore. A distraction. Something to quiet your head for a little while when the hurt got too loud.”
I stare at him because he’s right. Completely right.
“It never really worked,” I admit quietly. “Maybe for a few minutes my brain would rest, but that’s it.” Shame settles heavily in my chest. “Honestly, I’m embarrassed by it.”
“There’s nothing shameful about struggling,” Harrison says.
“People cope with pain in all kinds of ways. But it also doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck there forever.
Jesus, you’ve spent a decade hurting because you lost her.
Isn’t that long enough? Maybe it’s time to shoot your shot and make it your best.”
The woods go quiet around us again as I contemplate what he said.
“Let me ask you something. Why haven’t you dated anyone all these years? Really dated someone. I’m sure some of those women were wonderful. Beautiful. Smart. So why not try?”
I stare straight ahead toward the trail.
“You sure that isn’t rhetorical?” I ask, even though I know it’s not.
I glance over at him, and he gives me the older-brother look that says, ‘Stop being an idiot.’
And suddenly I know the answer. Maybe I’ve always known it.
I swallow hard. The confession leaves my chest like something is breaking open.
“Because they’re not her. It wouldn’t matter how beautiful another woman is. It wouldn’t matter how amazing or smart she is. No one would ever be her.”
My breath catches, and I rake both hands through my hair.
“That’s the first time I’ve ever said that out loud.”