Chapter 18 #4
Our smiles locked. He went in slow, nudge by nudge.
Does it hurt? he asked me. Face flexed with worry.
Am I hurting you? I didn’t know how to answer him.
Didn’t know how to explain how the steady invasion of Ben was pain and pleasure at the time, that the pain was part of the pleasure, I couldn’t tell them apart, and the more it hurt the better it felt.
So I just gasped It’s so good and held on to his neck for dear life until I felt nothing but Ben.
Was made of Ben. I felt what he felt; felt him hold back, hold back; I experienced him and me at the same time, not side by side any more but each inside the other.
We went faster. Found a beat we liked, a beat we could stick with.
Eyes on eyes. Unbearable. But we kept on bearing it, on and on into the forever, until he took my hands and stretched them high above my head and my orgasm rose like a tide.
I thought, oh my God, I’m actually going to come, and then his expression when he saw it too, saw what I felt, felt what I felt, his joy, sudden incandescent crest, first me and then him, his back like a longbow, his face clenched, then his weight on my chest, his cheek next to mine, sweat and heat and panting and hard, slow thuds of the heart, the sunrise on his hair.
I thought, Remember this moment. Carry it on your skin for the rest of your life.
“Jesus,” Ben said softly. “So that’s what it’s like.”
“Like you haven’t done this before.”
“I haven’t done this. Coming inside the girl you love.” He kissed my cheek and lifted himself on his elbows. “I need to pull out, Luce. Before we spring a leak.”
I didn’t want him to go, but he pulled out anyway, as slowly and carefully as he’d gone in. The air was cold on my skin. He worked off the condom and dropped it at the side of the blanket and scooped me close.
“How do you feel?” he asked. “Everything okay?”
“Kind of amazing. Like, how did we do that? It’s supposed to be awkward. The first time.”
“Girl,” he said, “if you knew how many times I had sex with you in my head these past few weeks. Like I can’t even count that high.”
“That’s your big secret?”
“Like football. You run your plays all week so you can wow the crowd on Saturday.”
I started to laugh. At first I tried to hold it in, but the giggles kept escaping and making me choke until I rolled on my back and laughed from my belly.
“Oh, Ben,” I gasped, “I do literally love you. I do.”
“Oh, shit,” he said. “There’s blood on the blanket.”
—
We swam in the sea to wash ourselves off, and that made us horny so we started making out again.
The salt stung but I liked the sting. I licked the brine from his skin; then I licked him everywhere, went all the way down, because I didn’t want to fly across the ocean without knowing what Ben tasted like.
He stopped me before he came and turned me over to return the favor.
Under his mouth, I came so fast and hard, we both laughed afterward.
Then he put on another condom and pushed back in with extreme care, because I was pretty tender, as you can imagine, but I wanted him anyway, wanted sex that was not the first time, and when we were done, finished, spent, eviscerated, we fell asleep and woke up dangerously late, full sun on our tangled bodies, lobstermen out on the water setting their traps.
Ben helped me into my clothes and I helped him into his.
My legs were so shaky that Ben carried me up the hill piggyback. Got my workout in after all, he said.
I still think of the way we stood there at the top, meadow stretching before us, our bikes, our futures. Everything balanced to fall one way or the other.
“Listen,” said Ben, as we walked to the road, “what about applying to American colleges?”
I poked him with my elbow. “You mean like Dartmouth?”
“Anywhere, as long as you’re on this side of the ocean. I’ll drive all night to find you. I mean, I’ll find you anywhere you want. But football, you know?” Ben looked at the sky. “That’s all I know how to do.”
“Ben, that’s stupid. Look at you. You’re the kind of person who could do anything he wanted.” I steered the bike around a rock. “We’ll sort it out, okay? Lots and lots of time.”
“Yeah,” he said, “but I want to spend it with you.”
We reached the road. A car swept by on the way to the golf course. Somebody we knew, probably. I climbed on my bike and said we’d better hurry.
Silently we pedaled up Club Road. My flesh hurt against the bicycle seat, every raw nerve. Past the houses, the guard hut, the long fairways, until we came to Plum Lane. Ben stopped his bike.
“Don’t kiss me,” I said.
“Why not? Why not, Luce? I’m your—We’re together now, okay? I’m not going to hide it. I can’t hide it.”
“Please. Please, Ben. I’ll find you tonight. We can say goodbye then.”
“Tonight is a long time away from you, Luce. Hours we could spend together.”
His face was pink under his tan, his eyes longing.
“Listen,” I said. “About December.”
He held up his hand. “Not now. Please. I just want to enjoy this moment, okay? I just want to be in this moment, right now. Looking at you with my own eyes.”
“After dinner, then. The beach roses. Where you kissed me.”
The sun shone hot on the back of my head. Gleamed on the lenses of Ben’s sunglasses on top of his head.
“You leave first,” I said.
“You first. I’m not the one who wants to leave.”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“Don’t choose her over me, Luce. I’m begging you. Give me a shot. I swear I won’t let you down. Never ever.”
I put my foot on the pedal and stared at his lips. “This is me kissing you.”
“This is me kissing you back,” he said.
I pushed down on the pedal and the bike moved away.