Chapter 14 #2
Once she has assembled the lasagne and slipped it into the oven, she takes a seat at the kitchen table. Harry is reading something on his phone and above them the distant sound of Fiona’s music is making the ceiling thud.
‘What’s she listening to?’ Wendy asks. ‘… sounds awful.’
‘K-pop,’ Harry says, reluctantly lowering his phone then pushing it away from him and finally flipping it face down. ‘And you’re right. It’s awful. That’s Blackpink, I think. She’s obsessed. I would have thought she was too old for it, but hey, what do I know?’
‘Right,’ Wendy says, clasping her hands together. ‘So.’
‘So,’ Harry repeats, then, after a glance at Wendy’s mug of tea, ‘Actually, I wanted to ask you something. I don’t want you to think I’m on your case or anything, but I do kind of need to ask you about the drink thing.’
‘The drink thing?’
‘Yeah, are you, er…’
‘Am I what? Just ask, Haz. It’s fine.’
‘So are you, you know, drinking, now? Or not drinking?’
‘At this minute, I’m drinking tea.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Sorry. I do. And no, I’m not drinking.’
‘OK. Cool. It’s just… well… yesterday… I mean, I didn’t dare ask. And it’s fine, well, maybe not fine but normal if you had one, at the airport, or on the plane, or whatever—’
‘I didn’t.’
‘It’s just you did sound a tiny bit…’
‘Yes?’
‘…’
‘A tiny bit what, Harry?’
‘I don’t know,’ Harry says, with a shrug. ‘A bit slurry, maybe?’
‘I was tired, Haz. I was so tired I could barely speak.’
‘Really? That’s all it was?’
‘Yes, that really is all it was. You know I was up at six cleaning the place – which is five here. And then the flight was late, so I spent five hours in Nice airport. And almost another hour sitting on the runway. And then a bus and two trains and a taxi… So by the time I got here at midnight…’
‘I’m sorry I couldn’t come. But the car—’
‘Yes, I know. It’s fine. But I was tired. I was very, very tired, that’s all.’
‘OK. So you didn’t drink at all?’
‘Harry, I haven’t had a single drop of alcohol since Boxing Day.’
‘Right. I mean, I want you to feel you can be honest with me, that’s all. I’m not asking you this in, you know, a judge-y sort of way. I just want to help. To be here for you.’
‘Yes, OK, and I am being honest.’
‘Sorry, that’s not what I meant. This is coming out all wrong.’
‘It’s fine. It’s all fine, Haz. Please relax a bit. You’re stressing me out, too.’
‘Right. I will. This is me relaxing. So do we – I mean… Are you going to stay stone-cold sober from now on?’
‘I am. For now. I’m going to try to stay stone-cold sober.’
‘So should we… you know… get rid of the bottles in the house? Or are you fine about… all that?’
Wendy looks at Harry and then lets her focus relax and stares through him.
She’s once again picturing the contents of the drinks cabinet behind him – the whisky, the Baileys, the Martini – and salivating at the thought of it all.
‘No, I’m fine about it,’ she hears herself say.
More consciously, she adds, ‘Actually, that’s not true.
Yes, getting rid might be a good idea. If you don’t mind. Just for a bit.’
‘No, no, that’s fine,’ Harry says. ‘I thought I should do it before you came home, and then I hesitated because I didn’t want to offend you.’
‘Well, that’s sweet. Thanks for being so sensitive about it.’
‘I try,’ Harry says. He takes a sip of his tea and then puts the mug back down and runs his finger around the rim. ‘Is it hard for you? The not drinking thing?’
‘A bit.’
‘Right.’
‘Truth is, Harry, I think about drink a hundred times a day. But I think I nipped it in the bud early enough. Only just, apparently, but all the same. It could have been much worse. I’ve been reading about withdrawal symptoms and some people have it really bad.
And that didn’t happen to me, thankfully.
I had flu symptoms for a bit and a headache and nightmares.
And my sleep was terrible for a few days.
But that’s about it, really. Some people end up in A&E.
I assume those are people who are dosing constantly all day every day. Which I wasn’t. Quite.’
‘It still doesn’t sound like fun. If you’re thinking about it all the time…’
‘No, it isn’t fun. It’s miserable. But like I say, it’s getting easier.’
‘Well, good. That sounds good.’
‘But I’m not pretending that I’m out of the woods, Haz. I mean, just you mentioning the Martini in the drinks cabinet—’
‘I don’t think I specifically mentioned Martini. I’m not even sure we have any.’
‘No, but there you go. I’m picturing it, the Martini. And salivating.’
‘So maybe I should get to it.’
‘Or maybe later? When I’m in the other room?’
‘Sure. Whatever you need.’
‘I made an appointment to see someone, by the way. It’s next Monday.’
‘That’s quick. You must have connections. A woman at work has been waitin—’
‘It’s private. I’m going private. Which rankles, obviously, but there you go. I think I need it. And apparently she’s very good.’
‘Says…?’
‘Says?’
‘Sorry, I mean, says who? Who says she’s good?’
‘Oh, Giles gave me her name. You know Giles, the surgeon? He says she’s the best he knows around here. She’s very cutting edge apparently. Well, in terms of addiction. And trauma. So…’
‘Sounds good.’
‘We’ll see. I only have to commit to one session. Which is good as it’s a hundred and twenty quid a pop. But hopefully it’ll be worth it. I’m feeling a bit scared, to be honest. I’ve never seen a shrink.’
‘I saw one once. When I was seventeen.’
‘Really? You never told me that.’
‘No?’
‘No. And this was because…?’
‘Oh, normal teenage angst, I think. My grades were getting worse when before they’d been quite good. So I had to go see the shrink.’
‘And did it help?’
Harry shrugs. ‘Not sure. I don’t remember much. My grades definitely got better afterwards but to be honest, I think I just worked harder so I could stop going. It clashed with footy, and I remember I wasn’t thrilled about that.’
Kathy
Kathy: Hello. Please, come in. Take a seat. Yes, there’s fine.
Wendy: Right. OK. Oh, and hello. Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just nervous.
K: Please don’t be. I’m not as scary as I look.
W: Well, that’s something, at least. Oh, I didn’t mean… You don’t look scary. My mouth seems to be saying random words today.
K: It’s fine. Relax! So my name’s Kathy. If it suits you, we can use first names?
W: Yes, that’s fine.
K: And you’re Wendy. Have I got that right?
W: Yes. Wendy. That’s me.
K: Great.
W: Um, thanks for seeing me so quickly.
K: Ah, well, Giles is one of my oldest friends. We were at college together. Plus there was a bit of luck involved. I had a cancellation… So, what brings you here today?
W: Um… Do I just…? Sorry, but is this an introduction? Or is this, you know, the actual thing.
K: Let’s say it’s a bit of both.
W: I just thought… never mind.
K: You just thought…? Please, finish that sentence.
W: I thought you’d want me to lie down on the couch or something.
K: You can if you wish. Would you be more comfortable on the couch?
W: No, I don’t think I would.
K: Then let’s carry on like this for now, shall we?
W: OK.
K: So.
W: So.
K: …
W: I don’t really know where to start.
K: That’s fairly common. Just start anywhere. All roads lead to Rome, as they say.
W: Yes, I’m sure they do. So… OK. Can I ask you a question?
K: Of course. Fire away.
W: How do you define an alcoholic?
K: How do I define an alcoholic?
W: I mean, how does one know if one is an alcoholic. As opposed to a normal heavy drinker.
K: Do you think you might be an alcoholic?
W: Maybe. I’m not sure. That’s why I’m asking.
K: OK, well, let’s talk a bit about your use of alcohol, then. Does that sound like a good idea?
W: Yes, it probably is.
K: Do you think that you drink too much, perhaps?
W: I think that I have been drinking too much. Yes.
K: Do you think you’re able to be honest about how much you’re drinking? It’s not always easy to count these things accurately. Especially when one is drunk.
W: No, I can. I was in denial about it at first. But then I was in this cabin up in the Alps and I had to go get the stuff on foot… Anyway, to cut a long story short, I know exactly how much I was drinking. I was up to about two bottles a day. Sometimes two and a half.
K: These are bottles of…?
W: Wine. White, red… anything, really.
K: Well, two and a half bottles of wine per day is certainly more than the human body can tolerate for any period of time without it leading to health issues.
W: Right.
K: I notice you’re using the past tense. You were drinking two and a half bottles a day.
W: Yes, I stopped completely on Boxing Day.
K: This Boxing Day, just past?
W: Yes.
K: So that’s, what, about two weeks?
W: Yes.
K: And when you say, you stopped… Do you mean you’ve reduced or—
W: No, I haven’t had a drop. Not a single drop since Boxing Day. Well, it was actually the day after, I think, but…
K: So you’re entirely sober now.
W: I am.
K: Good. That’s helpful. And how about cravings? Have you been craving alcohol since you stopped? Are you craving alcohol right now?
W: Yes, at first it was awful. I was ill with it. I was desperate. I couldn’t think of anything else. But now I just feel sort of depressed. Like I’d feel happier if I could have a drink.
K: You’re feeling depressed?
W: Yes.
K: How depressed is that?
W: Just, you know, normally depressed, really.
K: You feel sad?
W: Yes, I suppose so.
K: Like everything’s a bit pointless?
W: Yes.
K: How about hopeless?
W: No, not really. No, I wouldn’t go that far. Everything’s just very flat.
K: Are you having trouble getting out of bed, for example?
W: A bit, maybe.
K: How about thoughts of self-harm? Have you had any of those?