Chapter 14 #7
Wendy looks between her brother and his wife.
She can see the pain in their eyes and can barely breathe because she’s suddenly aware of how much of it there is.
How did she fail to see this before? She feels like she’s about to have a panic attack.
Her pain. Her mother’s pain. Their pain.
It’s all just too much. She could really do with a drink.
‘Have you got…?’ she starts to ask, but she sees Sue begin to anticipate the rest of her question, and realises that it will just add to their troubles – to everyone’s troubles, including her own. So she stops herself in time. ‘Do you think I could make more tea?’ she asks.
‘Of course,’ Sue says, jumping up. ‘Of course. Let me just put the kettle on.’
Wendy, Harry and John
John: Hello. No, no, please, stay seated! I’m sorry I’m so late. I had a bit of an emergency. Still, we’re all here now, right?
Harry: No worries, eh, Wens?
Wendy: …
J: So a couple of quick questions first. I see here that you’re married.
W: Yes, we are.
J: Since 1990, is that right?
W: Yes.
J: And you have two children, Fiona and Todd?
W: Yes.
H: We did already answer all of these questions. Your secretary gave me a questionnaire to fill in.
J: Yes. That’s what I’m looking at now.
H: Indeed.
J: I’m just checking this is all correct.
H: Well, it is. I’m the one who filled it in.
J: Of course. And you’re a teacher?
H: Yes.
J: And it says here you’re a nurse?
W: Yes!
J: Great. So what can I do for you today?
H: Um… do you want to, Wens? Or…?
W: I can… If you want?
H: Sure. Go ahead.
W: So, our relationship has been… I’m not sure how to describe it really.
H: Going through a rocky patch? That’s what people say, isn’t it?
J: Yes. That is often what people say. And how rocky would you say it is?
W: Well, we have, kind of talked about whether, you know…
H: … whether our future’s still together.
W: Or not. But we think it is, I think. Don’t we?
H: Yeah, I think so.
J: I see.
W: It all started during the lockdowns, really. I’d say that was when it all went a bit… wouldn’t you?
H: Yes, pretty much. I mean, things weren’t fa-a-abulous before that. But Covid definitely didn’t help.
J: Well, a lot of people reconsidered what they wanted during Covid. Both professionally and personally.
W: Yes. I quit my job afterwards, too.
J: And I left my wife of thirty years…
W: Really? OK. Anyway…
J: So what job did you leave?
W: I was nursing.
J: Ah yes, of course. You’re a nurse. It says that here, on the questionnaire.
H: Yes. It does.
W: And my job, that was a part of… what went on with us… in a way.
J: The nursing? How so?
W: Well, it was the risk of bringing it home, really. I mean, Covid was everywhere. So I started staying elsewhere.
J: You mean you left the family home?
W: Yes.
J: And you stayed where?
W: Oh, just in a friend’s Airbnb.
J: Is this a friend-friend, or a friend-friend?
W: Oh, no. Not really, just a friend who happened to have a place.
J: I see. And how long did you stay there, would you say?
H: It was on and off, really, wasn’t it?
W: Yes. With, you know, the ups and downs of the pandemic. The infection rates and what-have-you… But overall, I was probably there, like, half the time, maybe? Over those two years?
H: I don’t think it was half the time.
W: I think you’ll find it was.
J: Well, I don’t think we need to be exact here. But I get the picture. And why did you do that, do you think? Why did you leave the family home for such a significant amount of time?
W: Like I said, because of the risk of infection. I was working in a very high-risk environment, and everyone was scared. I was terrified of giving it to my kids.
J: You’re referring to the risk of infection from Covid?
W: Yes.
J: And you truly believe that’s the reason? Because for most people, well, Covid was little more than a cold.
W: …
H: Um… … Um, that’s not really true. In fact—
W: Over two hundred thousand people died in the UK. Quite a few of them in front of me.
J: Yes. Of course. Your experience as a nurse will have been different, I suppose. I was merely pointing out that this wasn’t the experience for most of us. Anyway, moving on.
W: Christ!
H: You OK to carry on, Wens?
W: Sure. Yeah. Whatever.
J: What I was trying to get at is whether you were happy to get away from the family home? Even a little bit. Please, there’s no shame in admitting it.
W: Happy?
J: It’s just a question.
W: No, I wasn’t happy. I hated it.
J: OK. And you’re perfectly sure about that?
W: Yes.
H: Um… Are you, Wens? Totally sure about that?
W: What? Yes, Harry! Of course.
H: It’s just… I don’t know…
W: What don’t you know, Harry?
H: I just… sometimes I wondered. Sometimes I felt like you did enjoy getting away. So you could, you know… get hammered and watch Netflix without worrying about the kids. Without having me on your back.
J: Were you? On her back, as you say?
H: About the drinking?
W: I was drinking too much. It was my way of dealing with the stress.
J: Well, many people did find themselves drinking more during the pandemic. I certainly know I did.
H: Right. Um, OK.
J: I’m merely suggesting that wasn’t entirely unusual.
W: Fine. Well, anyway, no I didn’t enjoy it, Harry.
H: Hey, I’m not criticising, hon. I’m just saying that I don’t think that’s all it was.
W: And I’m telling you that you’re wrong.
H: OK, fine. But you did also… she did also rent a place in France and bugger off there for six months. And that wasn’t about Covid at all. Because it was over by then, wasn’t it?
W: Yes, that was about getting my head together. You know that. And I was away less than three months. Not six.
H: Was it just about getting your head together, though?
W: You know it was. I needed to be on my own to think, that’s all.
J: And how did it feel, being on your own, um… Wendy? Did you find that you liked it?
W: No. I’ve already said. I didn’t.
J: Not even a little? Because most of us, after years in a long marriage, find some relief in being on our own.
W: No. I mean, OK, maybe a tiny bit. I was so tired, and stressed, and… So yes, sometimes it did feel easier being on my own. Not having to deal with other people…
H: You see. That’s all I was saying.
J: And how about you, Harry?
H: Me?
J: Yes. Were you happier on your own as well?
W: I didn’t say I wa—
J: Sorry, Wendy. I’m asking Harry a question right now. Harry?
H: OK, I… OK, but I wasn’t on my own, was I? I had both kids with me.
J: I see. But what about Wendy. How did you feel about her absences?
H: Well, I missed her, of course.
W: Of course!
H: But I was very stressed as well. And so were the kids. We all were. So if I’m being honest, having her take her stress elsewhere sometimes felt like a bit of a break.
W: Christ, Harry! Don’t mince your words, eh?
J: No, this is good, Wendy. Harry’s being honest.
W: Fine. Fine! Whatever.
H: Hey, don’t get the hump with me. I’m only trying to answer the questions.
W: Hey, who’s got the hump?
H: You have. I can tell.
W: Feel free to step in any time, John, before we end up hitting each other.
J: I’m just listening to you, observing the way you function. It’s actually very interesting.
W: Great. Well, good for you. I’m so glad we’re interesting for you.
J: So I’m hearing what’s been pushing you apart. What, if anything, is still pulling you together?
W: If anything?
J: Yes. I mean, how, for example, is your sex life?
W: Oh… I’ll let you field that one, Harry.
H: Um, it’s pretty non-existent. I mean, it is non-existent. We tried, though, didn’t we?
W: Yeah, we did.
H: But it didn’t really work.
W: No, it was awful.
J: When you say it didn’t work?
W: It felt embarrassing, really. Like we don’t fit together.
J: I see. Those are quite profound words, don’t you think?
H: Are they?
J: I think so. Don’t you?
H: I think she’s just saying we were all elbows and knees because it had been so long.
W: Exactly. That’s exactly what I was saying.
J: Yes, but that’s not what you said, is it, Wendy? Those aren’t the words you used.
W: No. But it was the image I was trying to describe.
J: OK. So we’ve established that sex isn’t pulling you together, right now. What else is?
W: If anything!
J: If anything.
H: Well, our… um… shared history, I suppose you could call it.
W: Yes. Yes! Twenty-odd years of marriage. That’s not nothing.
J: Odd? Why do you say odd?
W: Oh, no… No, I didn’t mean… I meant ‘about’. Twenty-odd years. About twenty years.
J: OK. If you’re sure that’s what you meant. And is that a reason, do you think?
H: I’m sorry?
J: Just because you’ve been doing something for twenty-odd years. Would you say that’s a reason to carry on doing it?
H: I …
J: I’m merely asking the question.
W: Well, yes, it is.
J: If you’ve enjoyed doing it for the last twenty years, then I suppose one could argue that it is.
W: Enjoyed?
J: Yes. Enjoyed.
W: No one enjoys a twenty-year marriage.
J: They don’t? I think it’s very interesting that you think that.
H: Hang on, Wens…
W: No, what I mean is, no one enjoys all of it. It’s not like one thing that you just enjoy.
H: Oh right.
W: It’s a process. It’s a shared experience, the good and the bad. It’s trying to understand all… this…
J: All… this?
W: Yes! Life and death, and what’s the point of any of it? And instead of trying to do that whole… thing… as a lonely little soul in a big scary universe, you team up with someone and try to do it together. That’s what a marriage is.
H: Yeah. Exactly. That’s good, Wens. I like that.
J: Well, thank you for enlightening me about life, the universe and everything, not to mention the purpose of marriage. And have you – made sense of it all, together – do you think?
W: Well no, obviously not.