Chapter 31
I’d asked to meet Edward by the bluebell wood. The nodding bells had long retreated back into the earth, putting their energy into the next glorious spring show. Now the canopy of green shaded the ground entirely and I sat back on the fallen trunk, awaiting Edward’s arrival.
A few minutes later, he came into view and I saw him wiping his hands on his dark-blue fitted cargos.
‘Sorry I’m late. I was over in the Veteran’s Garden. Your dad’s showing me how to take cuttings.’
‘Wow! You’re really getting green fingers, aren’t you? That’s great!’
He held up his hands. ‘Not sure about green ones.’
‘Enjoying it, though?’
He plopped down beside me. ‘I am, actually, yeah. It’s been an opportunity to talk about… stuff.’
I nodded. There was nothing to say. I couldn’t begin to pretend to understand that ‘stuff’ but those men and women who were coming to the garden each day, and Dad, could. And Edward could for them. It was a two-way street.
‘It feels good to do this. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.’
‘You thought of it now, that’s what matters.’
A breeze ruffled the leaves of the canopy high above us. I looked up, taking a moment of peace from the statuesque, majestic trees that had stood sentinel over this land for hundreds of years.
‘Was there something specific you wanted to see me about or did you just want to see me?’
I brought my gaze back down to earth and focused on his handsome face. Only now did I see that the tension he’d held there was lessening. I hadn’t even known it was there until it had started slowly, tiny bit by tiny bit, ebbing away.
‘It’s time I think, don’t you?’
‘Time?’ Edward looked genuinely confused.
‘For this… to “end”.’
‘Oh… that.’
‘We did agree the end of summer.’
He looked off to the left. ‘Yes, I suppose we did.’
I waited for him to say more but apparently, that was it so I began again.
‘I’ve come up with some ideas.’
‘Have you?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’ve put some thought into this then.’
I ignored the comment and continued. ‘So, what about saying that I’ve realised I want to further my career.’
‘Not plausible.’
‘Why not?’ I said, standing up. ‘I do, actually!’
He remained seated and watched me. ‘I’m sure and rightly so. But anyone who knows me knows that I would never stand in the way of such a thing and that you could just as easily do that if you married me.’
‘Fine. OK then, let’s say I’ve found someone else.’
A muscle twitched in Edward’s jaw. He lifted his hand and scratched it.
‘Have you?’
‘No! There isn’t anyone, Edward. You know that. There isn’t even you!’
‘I’m entirely aware of that particular fact, thank you.’
I fiddled with the end of my plait for a moment before he spoke again.
‘Won’t people get suspicious in time when they never see this person? Living here, in a small village, surely he would be visiting you at the cottage from time to time?’
‘All right then. You’ve found someone else.’
‘See above.’
‘Well then, you come up with a reason!’
He pushed his fingers back through his hair as he stood. ‘The truth is, Emmeline, I can’t find one.’
‘Edward,’ I said, ‘there must be something that—’ I stopped as I took in his expression, the look in his eyes.
He took a step closer.
‘Emmeline, this summer has been the happiest I can remember in a long time. I’ve loved every moment I’ve spent with you, loved getting to know you.’
‘Edward.’ I took a step back, a step further away from him and bumped into a tree. ‘This isn’t real. We talked about this and you can’t lose sight of that!’
I’d done my best not to fall for him, not to get swept up in everything, and now here he was, making declarations that I’d already told him he shouldn’t. Frustration bubbled up inside me.
‘It is real, Emmeline! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! Why do you think I never said anything when my mother first blurted out about us being engaged? Of course it could have been sorted then and there, straightened out without face being lost.’
I remembered a comment in passing from Barnaby now that he’d been surprised Edward had gone along with the charade.
When I didn’t answer, he continued. ‘Because I knew from the first moment I saw you that I wanted to know you better. And every time I met you again, that feeling only ever intensified. Mum’s faux pas gave me the perfect opportunity to legitimately spend time with you doing just that.’
It couldn’t be true. That sort of thing didn’t happen in real life and it wasn’t fair for him to make me think it did.
‘Look, I know that you think—’
‘I don’t think, Emmeline! I know what I feel!’ he exploded.
‘What you think you feel, Edward!’ I threw back. ‘What happens in a few months’ time when you realise that it was just a passing fancy? The novelty of seeing someone who isn’t from your circle and merely the result of us acting the part a little too well?’
‘Us?’ He picked up on one word and hope flickered in his eyes.
‘What?’
‘You said “us”?’ He closed the gap. ‘You feel it, don’t you?’ He lifted my hand and the facets of the ring glinted in the late-afternoon light.
I pulled away. ‘No,’ I said with more force than I truly felt but I had to make him believe it.
A tightness came across his face.
‘I don’t believe you.’
Forcing a casualness I didn’t feel, I shrugged but it felt as if I were made of Lego. ‘I can’t help that. It’s true. We had an agreement and I’m upholding my end of the deal and you can’t go changing the rules. It’s not fair.’
‘Life isn’t fair, Emmeline! We both know that! We’ve both seen that. That’s why when something amazing comes along, you have to grab it with both hands!’ His voice was thick with emotion as he said the words.
He was right. Totally and completely right.
Yes, I was utterly in love with Edward Ashington.
It had happened subtly and gradually and I didn’t know until the night of the kiss, but then it was too late, I was already in too deep.
And I knew Edward believed that he loved me too.
He was too honest to say otherwise. But we’d been pushed together, having to pretend for months that we meant something, everything, to each other.
That might have worked for the summer but even then, there had been whispered comments.
At Penelope’s garden party, a guest who hadn’t noticed me close by saw Edward chatting to an American heiress and made the comment that he was still ‘technically’ one of Europe’s most eligible bachelors.
I’d known all along that I didn’t belong here.
I didn’t belong among people who went skiing at the most exclusive resorts, attended parties in Venetian palazzos at the drop of a hat and had helicopters at their beck and call to take them there.
And frankly, I didn’t want to. I loved Harriet and Giles but I knew that Edward knew at least two Verities to each one of them.
Sooner or later, there was every chance that one of those whispered comments or etiquette bloopers would cause embarrassment and I had no plans to be around to see that flash of irritation, that moment of awkwardness on his face.
Better to yank off the plaster now than peel it back day by day and draw out the pain.
I cleared my throat. ‘Then it seems as if we have a solution after all.’
He looked down at me, confusion creasing his brow as I reached for his hand and placed the ring I’d slipped off my finger into his palm.
‘Unfortunately, we’ve realised that we want different things. That should be enough explanation for most people and anyone who wants more can bugger off.’
My voice cracked on the last word. Edward heard it. He knew.
‘Emmeline. Don’t do this, please.’
‘It’s done, Edward. It’s what we agreed.’
‘Things change!’
I stepped aside and ducked under his arm. ‘Not in this case, Edward, I’m afraid. I’m sorry.’
And I was. So, so sorry but I had to walk away.
Closing the door on Rose Cottage, I was thankful that Freddy had gone away with Isaac for the weekend.
Right now, I didn’t want to see anyone. Only Edward and he was the one person I couldn’t have.
I put the chain across and twisted the lock, leant my back against it.
Suddenly, I had nothing left. All the effort, all the energy I’d had to use to keep myself together, to push myself through this was gone and I slid, boneless, down the door, giving in to the sobs I’d been unable to let Edward see.
* * *
The next few months passed in a haze. I threw myself even more deeply into work, taking on more responsibility and starting an evening course at the local college to brush up on some of gaps I felt I had in my plant knowledge.
Isaac insisted I was doing great but I wanted to learn more and, as Freddy had already guessed, the more hours I filled with ‘stuff’, the more exhausted I was, the less time and energy I had to think about Edward and what I knew I had walked away from.
A storm kindly donated from the Americans had now made its way across the Atlantic and, having battered Ireland, was making itself known over the west. Raindrops pelted the windscreen like so many tiny missiles as I gripped the steering wheel against the gale-force wind that was doing its best to take my car in a different direction to the one I had planned.
Class had been interesting but the weather had worsened noticeably during the course of it.
Once the lecturer realised he was having to raise his voice to be heard over the howling wind, he decided it was best to finish early.
We all hurried out, running to our cars, soaked by the time we got there.
I wound my way along the pitch-black road, swerving suddenly as the lights picked out a large branch crashing to the ground close by.
Rounding the next bend, wipers beating double time, a set of hazard lights flashed against the dark.
My lights picked out the shape of a Range Rover half-abandoned in the road.
A lone figure sat behind the wheel. The figure that owned the numberplate VER 1.
Hitting the indicator, I pulled over in front, switched my lights to side, and grabbed the torch from the Land Rover’s glove compartment.
We still had the old Landy but a couple of months ago, Edward had advised Isaac there was a new one waiting at the local dealership, ready to be picked up.
Despite Isaac insisting this was because Edward knew I’d started driving through the forest at nights to go to my classes, I refused to believe the connection.
At least my brain did. My heart had other ideas but I was determined to ignore any input from that direction.
It was how I was getting through each day and night.
I flashed the torch at my own face and waved at Verity.
Nothing.
‘Verity, it’s me. Emmeline!’ I shouted through the glass, and over the howling weather.
The door opened a crack.
‘What do you want?’
‘Do you need some help?’
‘No,’ she snapped.
I waited a beat. I’d tried. That was all I could do. Putting my thumb up, I turned away and plodded back towards the Land Rover, the rain showing its sideways trajectory in the beam of the torch.
‘Wait!’
I turned around and did as she said. Nothing happened. With a sigh, I trudged back to her car. The door opened a little more.
‘The car’s broken down.’
‘I gathered that. Have you called anyone?’
‘No! And I can’t because I’ve got no bloody signal and now I’m stuck here and probably going to get blown away or freeze to death or die horribly!’ Her voice had risen higher and higher with every word until I was pretty sure only dogs heard the last few.
‘Ooooookaaaay. Let’s take it down a notch, shall we? First thing, we need to get your car off the road. It’s a danger to you and others where it is.’
‘That’s not my fault! I didn’t ask the bloody thing to break down here. It just stopped and everything went off! Next time, I’ll ask it to break down somewhere more convenient, shall I?’
I looked down at my very wet shoes, then back up at Verity, who was still cosy and dry in her car.
‘You know what, fuck you, Verity.’ I set off back to my car.