Chapter 3
BEFORE
Dear Lexie,
I went to Mary’s garden this morning. I still can’t believe how lucky we were meeting her all those years ago.
How fortuitous the timing was – for her, too.
I remember you saying once that sometimes people come into our lives when we need them most. There’s no question in my mind that Mary was one of them.
Mary used to be a customer of ours; her garden exactly what I needed, that had come my way when I wasn’t looking for it. Once neglected, these days it’s anything but and is where I grow much of what we use in our shop.
You know how much I love that garden. It’s the peacefulness there, the sense of connectedness to something greater. I know that you’ve always felt it too. It gave us quiet moments, when we could breathe. We needed them, didn’t we? With everything else that was going on at home…
I’d never been good at confrontation. I’d sooner walk on eggshells and keep the peace. But becoming a mother had revealed a different side of me: a deep-rooted instinct to nurture, a fierce desire to protect. And it conflicted.
I looked for the same in Ryan; noticed increasingly how his focus rarely extended beyond himself. In truth, he hadn’t changed from the days we met. But I had. So had our lives. We were parents; no longer was it just about the two of us.
Too many times, you and Ollie overheard us fighting, until the day came when you were six, Ollie eight, when I had a blinding moment of clarity. Knowing this wasn’t how I wanted you to grow up, I was forced to take a look at myself, at us.
‘We can’t go on doing this,’ I told Ryan. ‘This isn’t something the children should hear.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ he said angrily. ‘It’s perfectly normal for adults to argue.’
‘Not like this.’ I stared at him. ‘And don’t ever call me stupid again,’ I said, quietly furious.
‘We’ll talk later, when the children aren’t around.
’ Going back to the kitchen, you were silent, anxious, as you turned your faces towards me.
I pinned on a smile. ‘OK, my little munchkins,’ I said brightly.
‘We need to tidy your things away. Then it’s tea time!
’ I switched on the TV in the kitchen and found an episode of Peppa Pig.
My distraction tactics worked – that time. But after I’d put you both to bed, I went to find Ryan.
‘We have to talk about what happened earlier on,’ I said. ‘Ryan, it isn’t right to have a yelling match in front of Ollie and Lexie.’
‘We weren’t,’ he said tightly.
‘What would you call it, then?’ Standing there, I folded my arms.
‘You were having a go at me – again,’ he muttered.
I stared at him. Was I? Had I turned into that wife who was always finding fault? Was this my fault, too?
But he went on. ‘Then you started on about how much I drink,’ he says. ‘God, Edie. There’s always something with you.’
‘How the children hear us speak to each other is really important.’ Suddenly I was bristling. ‘If I’ve done something you think is wrong, then for Christ’s sake explain it calmly. There’s no need to lose your temper with me.’
‘And you never get annoyed, Edie,’ he mocked. ‘Even though you’re doing it now.’
‘Believe it or not, I do my absolute best not to,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘And as far as your drinking is concerned, I’m simply worried you drink too much. I’m really worried. It isn’t good for your health.’ I paused. ‘And I can’t help but notice it makes you more volatile.’
‘Jesus.’ Ryan shook his head. ‘This is me, Edie. I’m the same man you married. It’s not my fault if you don’t like what you see any more.’
I felt my body tighten. ‘You’re missing the point.’ I was silent for a moment. ‘The thing is, Ryan, it’s like you’re not the same person when you drink too much.’
‘Maybe I like how it makes me feel,’ he argued. ‘I work hard. When I’m not, I need to wind down.’
I got that. But when it came to drinking, there was no moderation. Ryan was all or nothing. ‘Can’t you do that without alcohol?’
‘Why do you always have to argue with me?’ His eyes glittered with anger. It was one of his age-old complaints that he trotted out whenever it suited him, designed to deflect the problem onto me.
‘That’s rubbish. I don’t – and you know it.’ Too often, I’d backed down. But on this occasion, I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. ‘You need to do something about your drinking, Ryan. I’m not prepared to let our children grow up like this.’
‘Are you threatening to leave me?’ His face took on an ugly look. ‘Because I’ll fight you, Edie. They’re my children too.’
In that moment, I felt powerless. Quite simply, he couldn’t see what to me was so obvious.
And I was aware of his anger, bubbling under the surface.
‘It isn’t just that I think you drink too much,’ I started.
‘It’s that I worry you can’t stop.’ I paused for a moment, waiting for him to explode; when he didn’t, I took my courage in both hands before going on.
‘I worry that you’re an alcoholic, Ryan.
’ It was the first time I’d voiced what I was most afraid of, and I stifled the urge to tell him that if he was, he hadn’t a hope of getting custody.
I waited for him to respond, but he just sat there, a look I couldn’t read on his face.
‘I really don’t want it to come to that,’ I said.
And I didn’t – in spite of everything. I wanted more than anything for us to be a family – the family I’d always wanted when I was growing up. But I had to think about what was best for our children.
For the rest of that evening, Ryan didn’t speak to me. But I noticed he didn’t top his glass up. Then the next morning, he got up and made a point of having breakfast with you and Ollie, before heading off to work – on time, instead of late.
Nothing more was said on the subject, but Ryan’s body language made it clear he wasn’t happy with me.
‘I had to say something,’ I told Lucy. ‘It was awful, knowing Ollie and Lexie could hear every word he said. But he didn’t listen to me – not really. All he was worried about was winning an argument – which only mattered to him because he’d been drinking.’
‘You were right to tell him how you were feeling,’ she said. ‘But there’s only so much you can do. I mean, Ryan has to want to stop. Otherwise, it won’t last.’
‘If he doesn’t…’ I looked at my friend. ‘I’m worried about what it’s going to do to Ollie and Lexie,’ I said, trying to make sense of the disquieting thoughts that were coming at me. ‘I have to seriously think about what’s best, don’t I?’
‘Don’t rush into making any decisions,’ she advised. ‘You’ve told him how you feel. Maybe you should give him a chance to think about it.’
I did what I could to break this negative pattern; to slow the rollercoaster our lives were trapped on. To make alcohol less of a part of Ryan’s everyday.
‘Why don’t we take the kids out?’ I suggested as the weekend approached.
He looked less than pleased. ‘Where were you thinking?’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe one of those kids’ farms with loads of animals?’ I suggested. ‘They’d both love that.’ I was fully prepared for him to make an excuse; already had a plan B, to go without him.
But to my astonishment, he agreed. ‘OK.’
My eyes widened. ‘Really?’
‘I said OK, Edie.’ Ryan looked slightly annoyed.
‘Great!’ Going over to him, I hugged him briefly. ‘It will be fun!’
Saturday dawned, a bright, sunlit day. Getting up early, I made breakfast for my family, then packed a picnic; wished every weekend could begin like this.
‘Mummy? Will there be goats?’ you asked excitedly.
‘There will.’ I smiled.
‘And ponies?’ Ollie looked hopeful.
‘Ponies, definitely.’ I paused, looking at him. Ollie had always loved ponies. ‘I think you might even be able to ride one!’
As we got in the car, I tried to hide the fact that I was on edge, waiting for Ryan’s jovial mask to slip; only starting to relax as the day progressed.
You and Ollie were the perfect age to enjoy an outing like this, moving from one barn to the next, your eyes wide with delight as you saw the animals.
The pigs that lay motionless in deep beds of straw; a friendly ex-dairy cow who leaned her head over the fence, her warm breath smelling of hay.
The cats that watched everyone through slitted eyes, the noisy little herd of guinea pigs.
‘They love animals,’ I said to Ryan. ‘Maybe we should think about getting a dog – or a cat.’
‘It would be a tie,’ Ryan said. ‘We’d have to plan our lives around it.’
‘It isn’t like we’re away much,’ I said persuasively. ‘I only work mornings. And it would be a good routine – walking a dog.’
‘A dog?’ A smile played on his lips. ‘Maybe it would be nice.’ He awkwardly put an arm around my shoulders. ‘Let’s think about it.’
For a day, we were the family I’d always wanted us to be. United, sharing time together. Happy.
‘Mum!’ Ollie was breathless as he came running up. ‘I’ve found where the ponies are!’
For a long time, it had been me that you and Ollie came to; a pattern shaped by Ryan’s emotional absence. I glanced at Ryan, to see if he’d noticed.
His eyes were warm as he looked at Ollie. ‘Let’s go and see them.’
After the ponies, there were tractor rides, climbing frames, chickens to feed.
Of course, I could see the superhuman effort Ryan was making; that his comfort zone was an afternoon in a pub rather than a children’s animal farm.
But the fact that he was here with us meant the world, not just to me, but to our children, too.
When we stopped for tea on the way back, it was the perfect end to the day. As I watched you and Ollie navigate slices of pizza that were dripping with mozzarella, it was like you didn’t have a care in the world.
It was dark by the time we got home. Going inside, I switched on the lights and started closing curtains.
Ryan stood in the doorway. ‘I’m just popping out for something. I won’t be long.’
I stiffened. ‘Can’t it wait?’ I immediately assumed he was going out to buy alcohol.
‘It could – but it’s something I wanted to get tonight.’ He turned to go back out.
You went running after him. ‘Can I come with you, Daddy?’
‘Lex, it’s nearly bedtime,’ I reminded you. And you didn’t need to watch your father buying alcohol.
‘Of course you can come – if Mummy doesn’t mind?’ Ryan winked at me. ‘We won’t be long.’
I watched you go out to the car. I couldn’t remember the last time you and Ryan had gone out, just the two of you. Going into the kitchen, I put the kettle on. The faint sound of the TV programme Ollie was watching came to me. Switching on some music, I found an upbeat track that fit my mood.
It had been such a good day, I told myself. It filled me with hope that there would be more. My good feeling stayed as I heard Ryan’s car come back, and you came bursting in holding a bunch of flowers.
‘These are for you, Mummy.’ Your eyes were shining.
‘Thank you.’ Leaning down, I kissed your cheek. ‘They’re gorgeous.’ I looked up at Ryan as he came in behind you. ‘Thank you,’ I said again.
‘It’s why I wanted to go out.’ He paused. ‘It’s been a good day.’ But as he went over to the far side of the kitchen, a clinking sound came from the bag he was carrying.
I watched him take a couple of bottles out.
He turned to me. ‘Glass of wine?’
I shook my head. ‘No thanks.’ I glanced at the flowers again, suddenly feeling manipulated. No longer were they a thoughtful gift. They were Ryan’s way of buying my compliance.