Chapter 6 #2
For the rest of the day, Lucy treads carefully. We say little to each other, preparing as much as we can for the wedding that’s coming up. When we close at the end of the day, my conversation with Lucy hangs over me as I drive over to see Ollie.
‘Mum.’ He looks surprised when he opens the door. ‘This is a surprise.’
The paleness of his face echoes mine. But like me, Ollie is missing you, I think. ‘If it isn’t a good time, don’t worry,’ I say hastily. ‘I just thought I’d pop in and see you.’
‘It’s always a good time. Are you coming in?’
‘If you’re sure. I won’t stay.’
He stands back to let me in. ‘Is everything OK?’ An anxious look flickers across his face, a hangover from childhood, a look I know too well.
‘Hi, Edie.’ Jenna, his girlfriend appears behind him. ‘It’s cold out there! Come in.’
‘Thanks.’ I step inside. ‘I won’t stay long. I just thought I hadn’t seen you both in a while.’ It’s been three days, that’s all; feels so much longer. I kiss Jenna on the cheek. ‘How are you?’
‘We’re good.’ She places a protective hand over the roundness of her belly, then smiles as she glances up at Ollie. ‘Aren’t we?’
Gratitude overwhelms me that Ollie has found someone who loves him so much. ‘It isn’t long to go, is it?’
‘A few weeks. I can’t believe it.’ She pauses. ‘We’ve been busy since you were last here.’ She smiles again. ‘Do you have time to see the nursery?’
‘Of course I do. I’d love to.’ This nursery is a big deal. After miscarrying last year, they put off decorating, felt it was tempting fate to assume this pregnancy would go full term.
I follow them up the stairs, then into the small bedroom next to their own.
Inside, the walls are freshly painted a warm pink, the cot adorned with tiny animals.
The curtains, too, are pink, scattered with tiny flowers.
As suddenly it clicks, I turn to gaze at them, incredulous. ‘You’re having a girl.’
Jenna nods. ‘We found out just over a week ago.’ Her eyes are shining. ‘We had planned to wait – but at the last scan, we thought it might be nice to know.’ She hesitates. ‘We were going to keep it a secret, but we wanted you to know.’
Another person in our family. Another girl.
A strange feeling comes over me. Even now, I remember the day you came into my life.
My beautiful baby girl for whom I wanted the whole world.
I gaze around the nursery, so lovingly prepared.
These are magical days, anticipating the beginning of a new life.
I feel a pang of sorrow that you won’t be here to welcome her.
‘Are you OK, Mum?’ Ollie sounds concerned.
To my horror, a tear rolls down my cheek, followed by another; on top of the day I’ve had, I can’t stop them. ‘I’m fine. Take no notice.’ Wiping my face, I try to smile at them. ‘They’re happy tears! I can’t wait to meet her.’
As I turn to go downstairs, I feel Jenna’s hand on my shoulder. ‘Oh, Edie,’ she says gently. ‘I know you’re missing Lexie – especially at this time of year.’
I take her hand. ‘Thank you. I’m just sad she can’t be with us.’ It should be a time of unbridled joy, though I know how much Ollie wishes you were here. ‘This is a wonderful time in your lives. Enjoy every second. This baby – your baby – is so lucky to have you both.’
In their large, light kitchen, while Ollie makes a restorative cup of tea, Jenna diplomatically leaves us alone.
‘Thank you for showing me the nursery,’ I say softly. Then, before I change my mind, I add, ‘I’m so sorry, Ollie.’
As he turns around, he looks surprised. ‘What for?’
Hedging, I pick up the cup of tea he places in front of me. ‘Lucy and I had a chat earlier.’ I make light of it. ‘I suppose she said one or two things that made me think.’
Ollie frowns. ‘What about?’
‘About you, when you were growing up.’ My voice wavers. ‘She was right about a lot of things.’ I pause. ‘What Dad did, it wasn’t right. I should have been a better mother, Ollie. I’m sorry I wasn’t.’
‘You were the best mum.’ But there’s something in his voice. ‘It’s Dad who should apologise.’
‘You’re right. He should.’ A lump sticks in my throat.
‘Don’t worry. When it comes to him, I expect nothing.
’ Ollie’s voice hardens. ‘When the baby’s born, nothing will change, as far as I’m concerned.
He won’t be welcome here. And please. Don’t try to talk me out of it.
Jenna and I have discussed it at length.
She completely agrees. It hasn’t been easy to distance myself. But for my own sake, I’ve had to.’
Reaching across the table, I rest my hand on his. ‘I understand. It’s the right thing to do.’
He looks taken aback. ‘You mean that?’
‘Completely, Oll. I agree – with every word you’ve said.’ Even if I didn’t, it isn’t for me to say otherwise.
‘That wasn’t what I was expecting.’ Relief washes over his face. ‘I was worried that when the baby was born, you might try to change my mind.’
I’m silent for a moment. It’s the moment I should seize, to talk to Ollie.
To spell out how I feel; that all the years he was growing up, I let him down – massively, unforgivably.
But as I contemplate it, it’s like I’m standing on an emotional precipice.
‘Once, maybe I would have. But not any more.’
He looks at me curiously. ‘What’s changed?’
Beyond the obvious? ‘I suppose I’ve realised a few things.
Just because someone’s family, doesn’t mean you should always make allowances for their behaviour.
I did that far too much when you and Lexie were growing up.
But also…’ I hesitate. ‘It was because I wanted to help Dad. I loved him once. He wasn’t always like this.
I suppose a part of me hoped that man might still be there.
But I got it wrong, didn’t I?’ Tears fill my eyes again.
‘And it came at a cost to you and Lexie.’ I break off.
My emotions are raw, too close to the surface.
‘We could see how impossible it was for you,’ Ollie says gently. ‘You tried so hard. Neither of us blamed you.’
‘I think Lexie did – a bit. And I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had.’ I swallow the lump in my throat.
‘You moved us out, Mum. When things got really bad. I’ll never forget that.’
‘I thought about moving us back.’ Wiping my eyes, I blink at my son. ‘Remember how Lexie tore a strip off me? I can’t believe I even considered it.’
‘We both knew what Lexie was like, especially back then.’ When Ollie pauses, I know he’s thinking of you. ‘Always said it like it was, didn’t she? But I think we both understood you were worried about how Dad would cope.’
‘I don’t deserve you.’ Reaching out, I hold his hand, suddenly overwhelmed that he can be so forgiving. ‘And sorry to put a downer on things.’ I pull myself together. ‘You must tell me if there’s anything you need for your lovely nursery. This is such an amazing time in your lives.’
‘It is.’ His fingers tighten around mine as he looks at me. ‘Mum? Thank you for talking about this. I wish so much that Lexie was here.’ His voice wavers. ‘But in spite of everything that’s happened, I know I’m lucky to have so many blessings in my life.’
My heart is bursting as I drive home. With love, with missing you; with regret.
With pride that Ollie is the man he is; sadness that you’re too far away to witness this next chapter of our family’s history, though I know you’ll be there in whatever way you can.
There have been so many chapters, their pages emblazoned with the highs and lows of us.
So many that I couldn’t face, that you weren’t afraid of confronting.
When’s it going to happen, Mum? You finally leaving Dad? Can’t you see how horrible he is? To all of us?
Words that seemed harsh; you didn’t pull any punches. But when I knew you were right, there was no arguing with you.
* * *
When I get home, I feel the same sense of relief I always feel that I no longer come back to Ryan.
This house was our family home, but a couple of years ago, I inherited some money and bought Ryan out.
Then once he’d found his flat, after giving up the rented house you and Ollie and I had moved to, I came back.
I tidy the kitchen I re-vamped when I completely decorated the house; then, going upstairs, I change into slouchy jogging bottoms and a T-shirt. On impulse, I go to your old bedroom, pushing the door open and standing there for a moment.
As I go in, the air carries a hint of the perfume you used to wear, the bed still made up with your dusky pink linen sheets; photos you’ve taken in recent years Blu-tacked randomly onto the wall.
Your beloved Eeyore, who should have gone with you, placed on one corner of your bookshelf.
Going over, I pick him up. Holding him close to my face, I breathe in the scent of you.
And for a brief moment, it’s as though I can feel you with me, as though echoes of you are reaching out.
My mind explodes with a memory that’s years old – of Ryan thundering upstairs, then storming along to your room.
The look on his face as he launched a verbal attack on you that I tried to contest. The sanctuary of your bedroom suddenly a battle ground.
And over something so trivial, I can’t remember what it was.
He’s drunk, Mum, isn’t he? Surely you know the signs. Angry Dad equals drunk Dad.
I told him to get out, but he turned on me, too.
‘For fuck’s sake, Edie. Mind your own business.’ Never stopping to realise that what he said hurt all of us. But such was the dysfunctional pattern of our lives.
* * *
The following morning, I get up early. It helps me now, more than ever, that I have a long-established practice of beginning each day with thinking about everything I am grateful for, and it’s this I focus on now.
The roof over my head, this comfy home. My friendship with Lucy, the business we’ve built.
My children – the two of you will always be my children.
Ollie and Jenna; the baby who will be joining us soon.
‘You’re early,’ Lucy says cheerfully when I get to work. Then her face changes. ‘I feel dreadful about what I said to you yesterday. At the very least, I owe you an apology.’
‘It’s OK, Luce. You really don’t. You were bang on.’
‘I wasn’t.’ She looks mortified. ‘I was cruel. You’re missing Lexie, as well as all the bollocks with Ryan. You didn’t need one of my lectures about Ollie.’
I tell her about calling in on him last night.
‘I’m glad.’ Coming over, she hugs me. ‘Edes, I only said what I did because I care. You never deserved the way Ryan treated you. None of you did.’
‘I do know that.’ I’m silent for a moment. ‘It wasn’t easy to listen to what you said, but I needed to hear it. So much of what went on wasn’t right.’ And yes, it’s in the past, but it has so much bearing on what’s happened to all of us since.
‘Sometimes things just happen,’ she says gently. ‘I know how you think – that you should be able to have some control over the lives of your nearest and dearest – even if it’s just to protect them. But the reality isn’t always like that.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ve always loved that my kids were free spirits.
I think there’s just a lot of stuff catching up with me.
’ I gaze around the workshop. ‘We should get started, shouldn’t we?
’ I look at Lucy, know how lucky I am to have her.
It’s the day before another big wedding; I’m thinking of the thirty table arrangements we need to assemble, of the large-scale installations we need to set up this afternoon.
Lucy catches my need to change the mood. ‘We can do this, no worries. It’ll be a breeze,’ she says airily.