Chapter 15 #2
After starting work at the animal shelter, you’d become vegan; yet another reason Ryan ran out of patience with you, demanding you ate what you’ve always eaten.
‘It’s not just about food. It’s a philosophy to live by. To tread gently. To do no harm.’
‘You need to snap out of this nonsense.’ Ryan was furious, uncompromising. ‘Eat the food on your plate, young lady. There’s nothing wrong with it.’
I remember you sitting there, calm. You refused to be bullied. ‘You can’t force me.’
But Ryan saw it as a challenge to him.
So many times, Ryan had bullied you and Ollie over the years, but this was one of the worst. Another memory you’d stored away that would fuel your response to him. But it was beyond the limits of Ryan’s comprehension.
Picking up his fork and stabbing meat onto it, he came over to where you were sitting. Holding you tightly by the arm, he tried to force it into your mouth.
‘Ryan, no.’ Horrified, I grabbed his other arm, tried to pull him away, but he was too strong.
‘Dad.’ Ollie stood up, his eyes glittering with anger. ‘Leave her alone.’
Was it another of your philosophies not to fight? Or had you wanted him to look back, to forever be ashamed? Turning your face away, you sat there as Ryan tried to jam food into your mouth, until Ollie stepped in and wrestled the fork from him.
Confronting his father, he was shaking. ‘I said leave her alone.’
Ryan made a lunge for the fork, but Ollie moved it away. ‘You piece of shit,’ Ryan snarled at him.
‘I can’t take this.’ Ollie stood back, his face white. ‘You are a fucked human being.’ He glanced at me. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. But I can’t live with this.’
I remember Ollie walking out. Then you shouting, ‘Stop.’ You clamped your hands over your ears. ‘All of you, stop.’ Tears streamed down your face as, getting up, you ran to your bedroom.
Ryan stormed out – presumably to the pub. Coming back downstairs, Ollie sat and stared at me. ‘This is wrong, Mum.’ A shadow crossed his face. ‘He shouldn’t have done that. He’s a fucking monster. I can’t handle it any more. Nor can Lexie. And she shouldn’t have to.’
‘I know,’ I said helplessly, my eyes filling with tears. ‘But I don’t know how to fix things.’ I got up to go and check on you, then paused for a moment. ‘Are you OK, Oll?’
He looked shaken. ‘Yes. But Lexie isn’t.’
Leaving Ollie, I ran upstairs to find you. Loud music was coming from your room, and when I knocked and cracked the door open, I could see you on your bed. Lying on your side, you were turned away from me.
‘Lex?’ I said. Then, ‘Lexie?’ Seeing your shoulders shudder, I went over to your bed. ‘Hey, sweetie.’
You turned. And I saw your suffering in your eyes; you always felt more deeply than the rest of us. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ Your eyes seemed to gaze somewhere far away from here.
‘It does,’ I said fiercely. ‘It matters so much.’
‘Then why do we stay with him?’
You summed it up, Lexie. Asked the single question that mattered. When I didn’t speak, you went on.
‘Ollie’s right. He’s a fucked human being.
’ Your voice was shaking. ‘Can’t you see that?
It’s horrible being me. I hate it sometimes.
But other people have to live with much worse.
’ Your eyes filled with tears again. ‘That’s what gets to me, because being me is bad enough…
’ Your voice wavered, tears pouring down your face; your own life muddled with the causes that concerned you. ‘Why do people have to be so cruel?’
‘Oh, Lexie.’ My heart went out to you. Your principles were admirable. But already, I was asking myself, were things really that bad?
‘I don’t want to live here any more.’ Your voice was muffled.
I was shocked; first Ollie, now you. ‘You can’t move out, Lexie. You’re too young.’
You raised your head, gazing at me. ‘I’ll be fifteen soon. I don’t care if it’s legal or not. I’ll find somewhere.’
You would be fifteen in a few weeks. I briefly considered that I had that long to make it right.
I tried to persuade Ollie to stay, unable to bear the thought of either of you going anywhere, not like this.
And I tried, Lexie. So hard. To make Ryan see what he was doing to you; to get him to try to change.
But in this imperfect world we shared, I felt like there were no answers.
* * *
After talking to Caitlin, I was aware that a weight had lifted. But I’d yet to find a way forward for us. Over the days that followed, I gave our session a lot of thought before our next meeting. To the extent that you noticed something was different.
‘Mum?’ You stared at me. ‘Is everything OK?’
‘Of course it is.’ I looked at you, startled. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘I don’t know.’ You were cagey, all of a sudden. ‘You seem different.’
I gazed at you. But you have always been sensitive. I should have known you’d notice. ‘Actually, I’ve been talking to someone. A therapist.’ I looked around. ‘Where’s Ollie?’
He chose that moment to wander in. His face was drawn, anxiety never far away these days, even when Ryan wasn’t here; I felt my heart twist.
‘There’s something I’d like to talk to both of you about,’ I said gently. ‘Come and sit.’ At the kitchen table, I told them why I was talking to Caitlin, trying to paint it in the most positive light. ‘We all know Dad is an alcoholic.’ I heard your sharp intake of breath.
‘It isn’t that bad, Mum.’ Ollie had taken on my denial.
I looked him in the eye. ‘That’s what I’ve always told you, Oll. But it’s the truth. And it isn’t an accusation. It’s an illness. Dad’s sick.’
‘But nothing makes him better,’ you said quietly. ‘I meant what I said, Mum. I’m not going to stay living with him.’
I took a deep breath. ‘Look, I’ve been trying so hard to keep everything normal. And it isn’t fair of me. Dad’s behaviour isn’t normal. What you both live with isn’t normal.’
‘How is talking to someone going to change that?’ you challenged me.
‘I need to stop pretending everything’s fine,’ I said shakily. ‘Because it isn’t. Not in any way. You two shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your father. Something has to change.’
‘Yeah, well, he isn’t going to.’ Ollie folded his arms.
‘At this stage, I’m not sure what we do.’ I paused. ‘But it’s important you know I’m aware of how this is for you. And that I’m going to do something to change that.’
But as I spoke, you were shaking your head. ‘You don’t know how it is, Mum. Not for us.’
I looked at you, shocked.
Then Ollie said, ‘Lexie’s right.’ He glanced at you.
I sat there, suddenly realising you were right. How could I know? ‘How can I make things better?’
Neither of you spoke for a moment.
It was you who broke the silence. ‘If you want the three of us to stay together, Dad has to move out.’
‘Or we will both leave,’ Ollie said.
I gazed at you both, flummoxed. Was it that simple? ‘Have you two been talking about this?’
‘Not really.’ Ollie’s shoulders were hunched. ‘But nothing’s going to change if he stays.’
I was trying to keep up with you. Things were moving too fast. ‘We also have to think how Dad is going to cope,’ I said.
‘He doesn’t think about us,’ Ollie said angrily.
‘Ollie,’ I said sharply. ‘That isn’t kind.’
‘Mum!’ Lexie sounded outraged. ‘Why are you thinking about Dad? He isn’t kind. He’s awful to Ollie. And me. Only even now you can’t admit that, can you?’
Shock piled upon shock as I looked at you both. How was I so deluded? So unaware? I tried to reassure you both. ‘I don’t know what the answer is. But I’m working on it. And I can promise you this much. Things are going to change.’
You were impassive; hope briefly flickered in Ollie’s eyes. But I got it. It wasn’t just your father who had failed you. It was going to take a lot more than words.
* * *
‘Good for you,’ Lucy said when I told her. ‘I’m proud of you, Edie. You’re right to do something about this.’
‘My children are ahead of me, though, aren’t they?
’ I stared at the roses I was de-thorning.
‘It means either Ryan has to move out – or we do.’ Suddenly my doubts were back.
‘I have to think about money, too. Running two houses…’ My stomach churned nervously.
‘I’ve no idea how we’re going to afford it. ’
‘Take each step at a time,’ Lucy said. ‘If you’re stuck, you and the kids can stay with me.’
‘Thank you.’ But she didn’t really have room. ‘Maybe I should start looking for a place to rent.’
‘Maybe a place with a garden?’ Lucy raised an eyebrow. ‘A patch for growing flowers?’
I stared at her; in my head, it was like a chain of events was being set in motion. As though already I could see things falling into place. And time was running out. They had to.
* * *
Time was also speeding up. Another Christmas came. Increasingly, you were making your own plans, which meant that this year, you volunteered with a homeless charity. At fifteen, you needed consent that I was reluctant to give, determined to maintain the myth that Christmas was about family.
But you were adamant.
I don’t want to listen to Dad ranting. I’ll be with nice people who are down on their luck. What I do for them actually means something.
You had a growing conviction that there should be a purpose to your life. It increasingly drove you on, while it drove Ryan mad.
‘She looks at me as if she’s so much better than me,’ he’d say.
You didn’t; it wasn’t your way. But you made him feel uncomfortable about everything he didn’t want to think about. And I didn’t have the heart to tell him that you were more aware and empathic than he had ever been.
* * *
Just before the New Year, when I saw Caitlin again, she wanted to talk about me.
‘Usually there’s a reason why someone stays in an abusive relationship,’ she said.