IRIS
The kiss is sweet and tender. It’s a soft press of lips, made no less intense for how brief it is.
Brief because, despite the fact that my heart is racing and every nerve in my body is on fire, a terrible realization still makes its way into my mind. Like reality’s icy breath on the back of my neck.
I pull away. “We can’t.”
Rose blinks in surprise. Her lips are still parted, and it seems to take a moment to register what I’m saying. When she does, the hurt in her eyes is enough to make me turn away. “Why? Because of Sol?”
I nod.
“Seriously?” she says, the word hissing as she tries her best to keep her voice to a whisper. “Do his stupid rules mean that much to you?”
“Of course they do,” I snap. “He’s done everything for me, Rose. He took me in when I had nowhere else to go. He’s helped me cope with so much, and … and I’ve repaid him by breaking his trust and lying to him.”
“So? He’s lying to you, too. His name isn’t even Sol.”
I lift my head to look at her, confused. “What are you talking about?”
Rose grimaces before cutting her eyes away from me. She doesn’t answer.
“What do you mean he’s lying to me?”
She lets out a long breath, her eyes looking toward the ceiling as the silence thickens.
“Rose?”
“I’m just going to be honest, because I don’t wanna lie to you.
” She turns her head to face me again, moonlight spilling across the curved plane of her pale cheek.
“The day you caught me sneaking out of his room …” She drops her voice so low that I have to scoot closer to hear her.
“I found his ID. His real name is Marshall Solomon. He’s thirty-six years old and from Connecticut. ”
My jaw drops. “You stole his ID?”
“Yeah.” She doesn’t sound the least bit ashamed. “I wanted to know what his deal is.”
“I— Okay. He hasn’t really lied about any of that, so I’m not sure what—”
“I googled him at the library,” Rose continues. “When I ran off that day, that’s where I went. He’s not a good guy, Iris.”
“Stop.”
“There’s a warrant for his arrest. He got into big money trouble when he worked in finance.”
“Stop, Rose. I don’t wanna hear this.”
“He stole a ton of money from his clients and just took off. I’m sure that’s why he got so upset when the cops showed up.”
“Stop!”
My voice cracks like a whip in the quiet attic. Rose and I both stiffen, waiting. From the bed, Poppy stops snoring. We stay quiet as she mumbles something and rolls over. It takes several minutes before she’s breathing slowly again.
“Sorry,” I whisper. “I just …” But I trail off. Because I’m not sure what to say right now.
Rose looks at me, chin tilted defiantly upward. “I don’t like him, Iris. I don’t trust him. I think he’s manipulative and taking advantage of all of us.”
Two sides wage war in my mind when she tells me all this.
Part of me is desperate to defend Sol. So what if he messed up some rich people’s finances?
Money is all pointless anyway. Maybe he gave that money to people who actually needed it.
But part of me wants to agree with Rose, just to keep her from leaving.
I remember the other night, admitting to Rose that I still don’t know who I am.
So much of my life for the past year and a half has been trying to fit into a mold shaped by someone else.
I don’t know what I really want or what I feel.
Aside from a deep, creeping fear that the two people I care for most are going to tear my heart in half.
“He saved me, Rose,” I whisper. “He saved you, too. He saved us all. He gave us a place when no one else would. He gave us a home when we had nowhere. He—”
“I know. He makes sure to remind us all of that at every turn. And I’m grateful, I am, but … maybe it’s less out of kindness that he’s doing this and more that we were vulnerable.”
“But to what end?” I ask. “What would he even be getting out of it? Other than lots of extra mouths to help feed.”
“He barely helps feed us. I mean, he hunts, I guess. But we also steal for him. And then he made you burn down the grocery store of someone you say wanted to help. Clearly Sol couldn’t let you accept help from anyone but him.”
I open my mouth to argue, but there are no words. I have nothing to counter her point. And that realization is terrifying.
Rose sighs. “I don’t know what he gets out of it.
Adoration? The feeling of control? A group of girls at his beck and call who will do whatever he asks?
I don’t know, I just know that he makes me uncomfortable.
He always kind of has. I tried to overlook it, because all the girls trust him, but I never got past it.
And now I know he’s literally a wanted criminal hiding out in the woods.
Is this really who we want to take orders from? I don’t.”
“So … why did you come back?”
“I didn’t want to,” she whispers. “I wanted to keep running. I want away from him. Not that I have anywhere else to go.” She turns her head to look at me, and I can see the lines of sadness and worry across those lovely fairy tale princess features.
I want so badly to kiss those fears away.
To rewind to a few minutes ago, to the kiss, and freeze us right there forever.
But I am aching too much, too hurt by her confession to move or speak.
She must be able to see my pain, because her hand reaches for mine then.
“But, Iris, I came back because I didn’t want to leave you. ”
“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” I say. “This is my home. I’m staying.” But even as I say it, I feel myself faltering.
Because if I fail my trials or if Sol finds out I betrayed him, I won’t be allowed to stay. And even if everything works out for me, Rose has just confirmed so much of what Lily and Violet said about her. She’s been resistant to Sol this whole time.
Maybe she is a weed.
Maybe she is destined to end up like Marigold.
“We should go to sleep,” I say. “It’s late.”
“Yeah,” Rose agrees. “Fine, but … Iris, just think about what I said. He’s lying to us. We don’t have to do what he says. We could run. You and me—and maybe we could talk Zinnia and Poppy into coming, too. I’m guessing it’s too late for Lily and Violet, but—”
“Stop. Please. I can’t right now,” I say. What she’s proposing is impossible. We have no money, no resources. We’d be picked up and taken back to bad homes or put in foster care within days. Poppy and Zinnia might be split up. We’d all be split up. It would be awful. Sol is safer.
Then I think about the fire and the unnerving way Violet and Lily spoke about Marigold and Lily’s anxiety around the shed.
How safe are we?
“I’ll think about it,” I say. “But for now, let’s just sleep.”
“Fine,” Rose says. “We’ll talk about it another time.”
“Yeah.”
“Good night, Iris.”
“’Night.”
But I don’t go to sleep. I lie on my mattress, staring at the wooden beams on the ceiling, with a million thoughts circling in my head. I relive the high of that kiss and the low of Rose admitting she doesn’t trust Sol.
I feel sick and scared and confused. My head aches. My stomach hurts. I’ve broken promises and broken rules, and I’m terrified of the consequences of any direction I could take from here.
After an hour or so, when Rose has fallen asleep, I get up and step over her mattress, creeping toward the attic door.
There’s only one thing that will make me feel better. There’s only one person who has given me a safe space to talk about my feelings and the mistakes of my past. For the past year, I’ve been able to go to him, spill my secrets, and let him show me how to clean up the mess they’ve left.
I make my way down the stairs and walk down the dark hallway. I’ve never knocked on this door in the middle of the night before, but I don’t think I can wait. I don’t think I can take the pain of this uncertainty and dread for a second longer.
It’s a moment before the door opens. Sol’s hair is tousled, his eyes bleary from sleep. “Iris?” he asks. “What’s going on, sweetheart? You should be asleep.”
“I need to tell you something.”