Chapter 15
Alayah
I woke up this morning with a little extra pep in my step, and that was new for me.
I smiled as I looked down at my tattoo. It wasn’t as painful as I thought given that Micah had used numbing cream on my arm.
The tattoo was beautiful and reminded me that I was free.
I was no longer a prisoner, and there was nothing on the outside left to fear.
Rodney was dead.
I’d paid my debt to society.
I deserved to live.
Thursday night reminded me of that. From sitting in that bar with two people I considered friends to the impromptu visit to the tattoo parlor, I was reminded that I wasn’t where I used to be.
I thought it would have been harder to open up to anyone again, but Londyn made it easy, and Killian…
well, Killian knew me when I was innocent.
I smiled to myself as I thought about him.
He, too, had gotten a tattoo last night.
Where I’d gotten mine on my arm, he added his to the chest piece he already had.
When he took his shirt off, I had to look away.
I felt almost ashamed to see him without it.
It wasn’t just the fact that I’d only ever seen him clothed, but I felt an attraction that I hadn’t even fathomed to be possible.
Rodney had successfully turned me off from guys, but Killian wasn’t just any guy.
He’d always been so nice and sweet to me.
I felt safe with him around. Days that he came over to study, I took comfort in knowing that I wouldn’t be touched while he was there.
By the time he left, Kennedy would be home from work, and those were the nights Rodney left me alone.
Rodney hated when he came over.
He would find every reason to come into the kitchen where we studied.
He put on an award-winning act in Killian’s presence, but from afar, he glared at me with threatening eyes.
He silently dared me to let him touch me, and I never did…
he never did. That’s why Killian admitting he had a crush on me threw me for a loop.
All that time, I just assumed that he was being nice.
I guess I was wrong.
I shook the thoughts from my head as I finished up my morning journaling and prepared to start my day.
Today I had a meeting with my parole officer, Ms. Vera.
We were set to meet every other week until she felt like she could trust me fully.
She said once I showed good behavior and progress, she would recommend it be dropped to once a month.
She was a nice older woman who didn’t do too much.
I’d heard horror stories from my bunkies about their parole officers being the bane of their existence. Thankfully, she wasn’t like that.
I got up and showered then dressed in a pair of jeans, a graphic tee, and a pair of sneakers.
After packing my crossbody with my essentials, I left my bedroom and went into the kitchen.
Aunt Penny and Uncle Clive were sipping their morning coffee.
I greeted them both with hugs and kisses to the cheek.
“Good morning,” I said.
“Good morning, baby girl.” Uncle Clive eyed me. “You look like you’re in a good mood.”
“Must have been that late night she had,” Aunt Penny said, smirking.
I giggled. “I was in before my curfew.”
“Yeah, but you never stay out late. You and Londyn must have had a good time.”
“It was fun. We ran into Killian, and somehow, he and I ended up at a tattoo parlor—”
“You got a tattoo,” my aunt exclaimed.
I held out my arm for them to see. She smiled as she ran her fingers over it.
“It’s befitting. I’m glad to see you finding yourself.” She gave me a slight side eye. “Killian, huh?”
“We’re just friends, Auntie.”
She held up her hands in mock surrender. “I didn’t say anything. It’s good you rekindled a friendship and made a new friend.”
Uncle Clive chuckled. “Londyn didn’t really give her a choice.”
“She didn’t, but it’s okay. I think she’ll be a loyal friend.”
“I know she will. Anyway, I meant to ask if you needed a ride to your parole officer.”
“No, sir. I’ll take the bus and just walk from there. It’s not too far.”
“You sure?”
“I’m positive. I’m heading out. I don’t wanna be late. Love you guys.”
“We love you too, baby,” they both said.
I kissed them goodbye and left the house to make my way to the bus stop. It was loading as I approached. After swiping my bus pass, I settled into a seat in the back. The bus pulled off shortly after.
The ride to the downtown area didn’t take long at all. I walked into the building with ten minutes to spare and took the elevator up to the fifth floor where Ms. Vera’s office was located and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” she called.
I turned the knob and walked in to find her behind her desk putting on her makeup. She looked up at me with a smile.
“Don’t mind me. I got a late start this morning.”
She capped her lipstick and put her things away. Reaching into her drawer, she pulled out the familiar urine sample cup.
“Do we have anything to worry about?” she asked, standing.
“No, ma’am. I’m clean.”
“Alright then. You know the routine.”
I nodded as I took the cup from her and went to the bathroom in her office. I wasn’t a fan of having her watch me pee in the cup, but at this point I was used to it. I wasn’t a drinker or a smoker, so I had nothing to worry about. There was no need to make a fuss of her simply doing her job.
When I was done, I capped the cup and handed it to her. She left me to clean myself up before I joined her back in the office.
“So, Alayah, how’s it been going since our last meeting?”
“Good.”
“How’s the job?”
“No problems. I completed my training, so I’m on my own now.”
“How do you feel having so much responsibility?”
“Needed. Useful. Someone’s needed me my whole life. Before, it was my little sisters. In prison, I did the girls’ hair. I don’t think my aunt and uncle need me around, but they want me there, and that makes me feel good.”
Ms. Vera smiled. “It makes a difference. A lot of people come home from prison to nothing—no job, no money, no family. It’s so easy to end up back there when you feel like you’re all alone. You’re lucky to have people who love and care about you. I can’t say the same for a lot of my clients.”
She scribbled on her notepad momentarily before looking back up at me.
“Have you had any more trouble from the Wests?”
I shook my head. “No. I haven’t seen anybody else, and according to my aunt, the social media post was removed.”
“Good. You let me know if there are any more issues.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Any other news?”
I smiled. “I spoke with my sisters.”
She gave me an empathetic look. “That’s great, Alayah. I know how important that is for you. What about your mom?”
“There’s no salvaging that relationship, Ms. Vera. She doesn’t even want me to see them.”
“You have to be careful, sweetheart. One call to the police, and she can ruin your parole.”
“I know. I just…I miss them so much. They’re older now, and they should have the right to decide if they want to see me or not.”
“They should, but she’s their legal guardian.
Ultimately, she has the final say so. You have to respect that.
It’s different if you see them alone in public and you three have a conversation.
She can’t ban you from public spaces, but you can’t just go to the house—you went to the house, didn’t you? ”
I hung my head, knowing that my face had given me away. “Yes.”
“Alayah, do not go back over there. The last thing you need is to be enticed into a fight and someone to call the police. You’ll be back in a cell before morning.”
“I won’t go back, but I won’t stay away from my sisters. If they want to see me, I’m going to see them. I’ve lost too much time with them already.”
She sighed. “I get it. You helped raised them. You took care of them. They’re your babies, but ultimately, they’re hers. She has a say in who they are around. I encourage you to proceed with caution or have a conversation with her.”
“There is no talking to that woman. If I could talk to her, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you. She hates me. She’s always hated me, and she’s never failed to let me know that.”
She offered me a sympathetic look followed by a sigh. “I understand. Just be careful, okay?”
I nodded. We talked for a while longer before she dismissed me. I left the office with my mood slightly deflated. As I took the elevator down to the lobby, I took some deep breaths to calm my nerves as I recited my affirmations.
I am resilient and can overcome any obstacle.
I am becoming the best version of myself.
I deserve success and happiness.
I am in control of my thoughts and emotions.
I choose peace and tranquility in my life.
I am deserving of respect and kindness.
With a deep breath, I stepped off the elevator and made my way through the front then out to the street. Uncle Clive’s shop was only about a fifteen-minute walk from here, so I made strides toward my destination.
When I walked in, Londyn was talking to a customer.
I spoke and kept it moving to the time clock before heading back to the break room to put my things in my locker.
After slipping my phone in my pocket, I closed the locker and damn near jumped out of my skin when I came face-to-face with Londyn and her wide smile.
“Don’t do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“My bad, boo. Sooo…”
“So what?”
“Oh, come on. Don’t make me beg. What happened last night? You just ditched me for that man. See, this friendship is starting off all wrong.”
“You left me with him to go suck face with that guy.”
She laughed. “Okay. Maybe I started it. I was coming back, though.”
I playfully rolled my eyes. “Sure, you were. Did you leave with him?”
She smiled as she looped her arm through mine and began walking back in the direction of my office.
“Friend, I’m not gonna lie. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and I needed some dick. But we aren’t talking about me. We are talking about you and that man candy you left with. Is he the reason you’re late to work?”
“No, Londyn. I had a meeting with my parole officer this morning. I made it home before my curfew last night.”
“So what did y’all do?”
I took a seat at my desk, and she took one across from me.
“We were talking about me missing out on a lot of life, and I said something about wanting to live on the wild side for a moment to feel normal.” I held out my arm. “He took me to get a tattoo.”
She gasped dramatically. “Oooo, that’s cute and befitting. Did he get one?”
I nodded. “He added this same one to his chest piece.”
“Okay for the matching tattoos! Oh, so you got to see him in all his glory.”
I blushed, and it caused an even more dramatic gasp from her.
“Oh, my God! You liked it, didn’t you?”
“I…Okay, first, let me say he has a very nice body. I don’t know, Londyn. This is new to me. I’ve never had a desire for anyone. Him admitting he had a crush on me in high school, then seeing him like that…I don’t know.”
“So you’ve never been with anyone else?”
I shook my head. “No. That man ruined me before I could even think about boys like that. I kept my head down and in the books. I didn’t talk to boys.
I didn’t look at them. Killian and I became friends through working on a class project.
We started studying together, and it kind of just went from there.
He never gave me special attention or anything like that. He was just a nice boy.”
“It’s okay to be attracted to him, love. It’s normal.”
“For you. For me it’s…it’s scary. I don’t want to be vulnerable with him. We aren’t even on that level. I mean, it’s not like he said he still likes me.”
“Baby, I guarantee he still likes you. Take it from me, men don’t look at you the way he does if there weren’t some sort of feelings there. I watched him watching you last night. Sure, he was engaged in conversation, but that man was always checking to see if you were comfortable.”
Had I missed that? I thought back to the tattoo parlor when his friend tried to hug me, and Killian immediately held out a hand to stop him. It was like a natural reflex for him.
“So you feel safe with him around?” Londyn asked.
I nodded. “Next to my uncle, he’s the only man I’ve ever been comfortable around.”
“That speaks volumes. Girl, that might just be your husband.”
I sat back in my chair, looking at her like she was crazy.
“Londyn, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and you’re talking about a husband. Please be for real.”
She laughed. “I am. You never know.”
“I know. What do I know about dating? About men? What if…what if he wants to have sex with me? I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know what to do besides just lay there.” I buried my face in my hands. “God, this is so embarrassing.”
Londyn got up from her seat and came to sit on the corner of my desk. She pulled my hands away from my face and tilted my head so my eyes would meet hers.
“There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Your innocence was stolen from you, Alayah. You didn’t have the same experience as most women.
It’s okay to be nervous or scared to enter new territory, especially with a man.
You have to learn to trust yourself, then trust yourself with him.
Take your time. Build your friendship with him.
If and when you’re ready for more, make that known.
There’s no need to rush into anything you aren’t a hundred percent ready for. ”
I sighed. She was right, and I was overthinking this. My best option was to go with the flow. She may have thought that Killian still had feelings for me, but until he actually voiced it, there was nothing else for me to do.