Chapter 17
Alayah
The week had gone by, and surprisingly, I was in a great mood for most of it.
Being able to spend a little time with my sisters gave me joy like no other.
True to her word, Adrienne created a group chat with the three of us.
All week long, we’d been texting back and forth.
It was nice being able to talk to them, even though it was a risk of Kennedy finding out.
Aunt Penny and Uncle Clive cautioned me to be careful.
I tried to tell myself that, but my brain never failed to reason with me that I had a right to have a relationship with my siblings in spite of our mother’s wishes.
Yes, I did something horrible, but horrible things had been done to me, too.
Horrible things would have been done to them as well if I hadn’t done what I did.
In my mind, we’d suffered enough, and I wasn’t going to suffer anymore.
It was Saturday morning, and I didn’t have any plans other than lounging around the house.
I’d slept in a little later, then woke up and did my journaling.
I’d gotten up to take my shower and dress for the day before cleaning my bedroom and putting in a load of laundry.
Currently, I was laid out across my bed reading a book and texting Killian.
When his name had popped up on my screen earlier, I couldn’t help but to smile.
I felt myself becoming more and more vulnerable with him.
The hug we’d shared after our lunch with his niece gave me so much comfort.
It took me back to all the times when he’d hugged me in the past. The embrace was familiar.
It was warm and firm, yet so soothing. I remembered his scent and somehow, even his heartbeat.
The sound of footsteps approaching my door caused me to look up from my book. There stood Aunt Penny with a smile.
“Hey, auntie. What’s up?”
“I’m about to go meet up with a girlfriend of mine, but I wanted to let you know you have a surprise.”
My brows furrowed. “A surprise?”
She stepped aside, and in walked my sisters. They both pounced on me on the bed just like they used to when they were little any time they came in my room when I was laying down. Aunt Penny laughed as she left us be.
“What are y’all doing here?” I exclaimed through my own laughter.
“We were bored,” Amiyah answered.
“Kennedy is out with her little boyfriend, and I didn’t have to work, so we decided to come see you,” Adrienne added.
I couldn’t contain my happiness as I smothered both their faces with kisses like I did when they were kids.
“Why are you in here reading?” Miyah asked, picking up my book. “I thought you’d be with your little boyfriend.”
“Killian is not my boyfriend,” I defended. “He’s just a friend.”
“That’s what your mouth says. I saw the way he looked at you at Burger Bliss. I don’t really remember him from when you were in school, but you must have liked him to bring him to the house.”
“We studied together.”
“And what are you doing together now?” Adrienne asked. “Casual lunch dates with his niece?”
They both made playful dreamy eyes and kissy faces toward me before bursting into laughter.
I rolled my eyes and mushed their foreheads. “Whatever.”
Miyah poked my side. “We’re just joking. You do look cute together, though. Hopefully he’s not just playing the nice-guy role.”
“He’s not. He’s always been very nice and sweet.” I looked between them. “Do either of you have boyfriends?”
Miyah shook her head. “No. The guys at our school are only after one thing. I’m saving myself until marriage.”
Adrienne waved her off. “Speak for yourself.”
My head snapped around. “Are you having sex?”
“Not at the moment, but I have—”
“Adrienne!”
“What! I used protection. I know not to bring Kennedy any babies. I’d be stuck with her forever if I did that.”
“You’re still too young to be out here having sex. It’s not just babies you have to worry about. There are STDs, and condoms break all the time.”
She sighed. “I hear you. I’m not dealing with anybody right now. I’m just trying to stack my money and finish high school so I can get out of here. Are you gonna visit me?”
“I’m on parole. I can’t leave the state without permission.”
“Oh. How long does that last?”
“Three years.”
“You have to stay out of trouble for three years?” Adrienne asked.
“Yes. No trouble, no drugs or alcohol—”
“You can’t drink?” she exclaimed.
“I know you aren’t drinking, too, Adrienne.”
She looked away. “I’ve had a few.”
I grabbed her chin and made her look me in the eyes.
“Listen to me: You have to stop trying to live fast and grow up faster. There is nothing but trouble in that lifestyle, and it’s so easy to find.
You’re seventeen, Adrienne. You know when I had my first sip of alcohol?
I was fourteen. Rodney made me drink a whole cup of moonshine, and when I was drunk and passed out, he came into my room and violated me.
I don’t want that to be you. You have to be mindful of what you put in your body because you never know who is waiting for your inhibitions to be low enough to take advantage of you. Do you get that?”
She looked at me, teary eyed. “Yes.”
“That goes for you, too, Miyah,” I said, cupping her chin as well.
“I don’t want either of you to find yourself in my shoes.
You can be a victim, and the world will still see you as the perpetrator.
If I hadn’t gotten parole, I would have spent thirty years of my life in prison for defending myself.
Women don’t have the luxury of saying no and that being enough.
They will always blame us—it’s the way we dress, the way we look, the natural curves of our bodies.
You can cover up or bare it all, and men will still say you asked for it.
The last thing you need to be out here doing is putting yourselves in positions where you can’t say no. ”
They both nodded. I wasn’t trying to mother them. I was simply speaking from my own experience and the horror stories my old cell mates shared with me. We were born with two things already working against us: being black and being women.
“I have something for y’all,” I said, standing from the bed.
I went into my closet and pulled down my keepsake box.
Taking it back in the room, I placed it on the bed and pulled off the lid.
On top of everything in the box were two stacks of bound letters that I’d written to each of them over the years.
Stamped on the front in bright red letters was the phrase Return to Sender.
Even when they were returned, I kept writing, hoping that one of them would get the mail before Kennedy.
I handed each of them their stack. “I told you, I never forgot about you. I don’t know how much of a difference these letters will make now, but I wanted you to have them.”
They reached out with trembling hands and took them from me. Miyah sniffled.
“Mama kept telling us we had to forget about you,” she said faintly.
“We weren’t allowed to say your name in the house.
For the longest time, she wouldn’t let us come over here because she knew Aunt Penny and Uncle Clive were in contact with you.
She kept saying y’all were trying to turn us against her. ”
I shook my head. “I would never try to turn y’all against her. I just…I believe in my heart that she knew what was happening to me, and she did nothing to stop it.”
Adrienne looked away, and the expression on her face told me she knew something.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing, just…I remember her asking me once if Rodney ever touched me. It was right after you…right after he died. I remember waking up to her standing over me one night, and it scared the shit out of me. She asked me over and over if anything happened. I kept saying no, and she kept asking to the point where she was digging her nails into my arms and shaking me like I was lying.” She shook her head.
Part of me was worried that something had actually happened to them, and they just didn’t remember. The thought terrified me. What if I’d been too late? What if they were carrying around repressed memories? Could it be the reason Adrienne was acting out?
If it ever came to pass that Rodney had touched them, too, I would kill my mother with my bare hands. She’d let a predator into our home, the place we were supposed to be the safest, and he’d ruined us.
I wrapped my arms around both of my sisters and held them close to me. If I could help it, no one would ever hurt them. That was a hill I was willing to die on.
After an emotional spiel in my bedroom, my sisters took turns reading each and every letter I’d written. I tried to keep things positive with telling them about my day or how proud I was of their accomplishments. I ended every letter with how much I loved and missed them.
A lot of tears were shed in that room.
Uncle Clive came in to see what all the fuss was about and found us huddled up together crying.
Once I assured him that these were cleansing tears, he left the room, but came back shortly with three bowls of ice cream.
He was such a great uncle. Even with me pushing almost thirty, sweets always made me feel better.
We ventured out to the big front porch to get some fresh air and began reminiscing about all the fun we’d had here. Like me, this was the one place they could just be kids. They didn’t have to worry about being yelled at or talked crazy to. They simply got to be free.
We were so engrossed in conversation that we weren’t paying attention to our surroundings until Kennedy’s car pulled to a screeching halt in front of the house.
“Shit,” Adrienne said, standing.
Amiyah and I did the same. As our mother stalked up the front steps, I could practically see the steam coming from her ears.
“Mommy, we can explain—” Miyah started.
“Shut the hell up, Amiyah,” Kennedy yelled.
“How did you even know we were here?” Adrienne spat.