Chapter 19
Alayah
I sat across from my parole officer who had a slight frown on her face. When I called a few days ago to notify her of the pending court date for the restraining order, she was already well aware. She was out of town at the time, but as soon as she got back, she had me come in.
“What is this, Alayah? A restraining order?”
“My mother doesn’t want me to see my sisters.”
“And you went over there anyway?”
I gave her a quick rundown of the events that transpired, and she listened attentively while also shaking her head.
“They came to surprise me at my aunt and uncle’s. I couldn’t turn them away, Ms. Vera. Do you know what it feels like to be separated from the people you love most?”
“No, I don’t.” She sighed. “I’ve been in this business a long time, Alayah.
One thing I can tell you is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
People want to do the right thing but end up going about it the wrong way.
I know you love your sisters. I know you miss them, but sweetheart, you are creating more problems for yourself. ”
“I will take the consequences of that. You don’t know Kennedy Chambers. You don’t know the things she’s said, done, and let happen. She’s not a good mother.”
“She has to be somewhat decent to still have custody of those kids.”
“They are afraid of her! Miyah doesn’t want to upset her, and Adrienne knows how far to push it before the backlash.
She did something to them. I know it…I feel it.
Call it intuition or whatever, but I know she did.
I won’t stop until I know they’re safe. That’s why I had my lawyer do a wellness check. ”
“This is gonna get ugly.”
“It should have gotten ugly a long time ago. I kept quiet about the extreme verbal abuse I suffered from that woman for years. She’s never treated me like her daughter, and now that she knows my sisters and I are rebuilding our relationship, she’s gonna do whatever she can to sabotage that.”
“This isn’t a good look for you. I know not seeing your sisters wasn’t in the conditions of your parole, but she could very well press assault charges.”
“She can’t press charges on me without implicating her—”
“She’s not the one on parole. Do you want to go back to jail?”
I sighed and shook my head.
“Good. If she’s granted the restraining order, follow it.
If not, you still need to follow her rules.
At the end of the day, she is the mother, and those girls are in her care.
Adrienne will be eighteen soon. She can do what she wants then, but until both of them are of age, Kennedy is their legal authority.
I know that’s not what you want to hear.
I know this doesn’t feel fair, but it’s the reality of it. ”
I didn’t say anything in response. I knew she was right, but my heart wouldn’t hear it.
“Can I go now?” I asked.
“We have a few more things to discuss, and I need a urine sample.” She reached into the desk drawer and placed a cup in front of me. “Let’s get this over with.”
I sighed heavily as I snatched the cup up and went to the bathroom with her on my heels.
Once the sample was collected, we talked for a little while longer before she gave me permission to leave.
Begrudgingly, I left the office and took the elevator ride back down to the first floor.
I couldn’t even say that I was disappointed with the way this visit went because it went exactly how I expected.
As bad as I hoped Erica’s friend from CPS found something to incriminate Kennedy, I also hoped that she didn’t.
I didn’t want to believe that Kennedy would hurt my sisters, but I also couldn’t put anything past her.
She had shown her hand way too many times for me to believe that ten years had changed anything.
Her social media presence alone said that.
I’d created a fake account to keep tabs on her.
Since her page wasn’t private, I could see everything.
She told strangers way too much of her business.
She had posts showcasing the things her boyfriend brought her, the five-star dinners he took her to, or the lavish vacations she went on.
Nowhere in those pictures were my sisters.
My guess, while she was out living her best life, they were left to fend for themselves.
The last couple of weeks, she’d made several posts about me, my aunt and uncle, and my sisters.
With Adrienne and Amiyah, she mostly posted about raising unruly teenagers who didn’t listen and thought they were grown.
With Aunt Penny and Uncle Clive, she ranted and raved about them being unloyal and backstabbing her.
Then there was me. She posted my mugshot several times, calling me a murderer, a whore, and just plain evil.
She posted a picture of her bruised face from where I slapped her.
While she didn’t say I did it, the caption read, A bitch thought she had me. Face still pretty.
I shook my head at every post. The woman was forty-four years old and still playing these games.
She didn’t take accountability. She didn’t listen to shit.
If it wasn’t what she wanted to hear, she got loud and defensive.
I remembered the one time I tried to be brave enough to tell her what was happening to me.
I was fifteen at the time. She was in the kitchen, packing her lunch for work. The girls were upstairs sleeping, and Rodney hadn’t gotten there yet. I’d come down to get a drink of water before going to bed. Nervously, I stood in the entryway of the kitchen twiddling my thumbs as I watched her.
“Either come get what you came to get or take your ass upstairs, Alayah,” she said, not bothering to look up at me.
“Ma…can I talk to you?”
“What is it now? Don’t ask me for any money because I don’t have any for you.”
“It’s not money.”
She looked up from the sandwich she was making. “What do you want? I know you want something.”
“I don’t want anything. I…I need to tell you something.”
She sighed as she placed her hand on her hip. “What? Out with it.”
I slowly walked over to her with my head down. “It’s Rodney.”
“What about Rodney?”
“I don’t like him, Ma. He makes me uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable how, Alayah? The man is always nice to you. Always buying you and your sisters shit. Having nice things makes you uncomfortable?”
“It’s not that. It’s…he looks at me like—”
“Stop, because I know you aren’t implying what I think you’re implying.
Look at you, Alayah. Now look at me. Why would he look at you any kind of way when he has me?
You’re seeing shit that ain’t there, and I’m about to help you see clearly.
What you better do is stick to these little nappy-headed boys around here.
You wanna be fast, you better be fast with them.
All I know is you better not bring me any babies. ”
“But, Ma—”
“Alayah! You listen, and you listen good. Rodney looks at you like a daughter. That’s it, and that’s all.
He does more than your stupid-ass daddy has ever done for you.
When is the last time you saw him? Exactly.
Never. While he’s off living his best life, I’m stuck with you.
You should be grateful that somebody wants to take care of you.
Now, I don’t wanna hear another word about this, do you understand me? Get out of my face and go to bed.”
She’d turned me around and shoved me away before going back to making her sandwich. I’d gone upstairs and cried my eyes out. There had rarely been a time where I felt like she cared about me, but that night solidified it. To be dismissed like that when I was crying out for help broke my heart.
I knew she said something to him because I woke up to him covering my mouth with his hand. I tried to scream, but he clamped it tighter.
“Shut up,” he seethed. “You tried to tell your mama our little secret, pretty girl? Why would you do that?”
He removed his hand, waiting for me to respond.
“You–You hurt me. You won’t stop hurting me.”
“So you were just gonna tell your mama, huh? You think she would believe you over me? Kennedy loves me. She’s never gonna find another nigga like me that will do what I do for her with three kids by three different men.”
“Then I’ll tell somebody who will believe me.”
“No, you won’t. You know why? Because you’re gonna act like we’re one big happy family. If you tell anybody, I’ll make good on my promise. You remember that promise, Alayah?”
I remembered the promise well. He reminded me of it often. He didn’t have to say it again for me to know to keep my mouth shut. I never uttered a word about it to my mother or anyone else again.
I shook those dreadful thoughts from my head. I already wasn’t in the best headspace. I hadn’t had a nightmare in a while, and I didn’t want to start them up again by allowing thoughts of him to invade my mind.
I arrived at work about twenty minutes later.
Sitting pretty on my desk was a bouquet of white roses with a card sticking out the top.
The corners of my mouth turned up for the first time in days as I walked over to them.
Plucking the card from the insert, I pulled it from the envelope and read it. The message was simple, yet sweet.
Just because, Killian.
I leaned in and sniffed the roses. It was very thoughtful of him to send them.
There had been a shift between us the last couple of days.
Since our kiss, things took on a more intimate feeling.
Every night this week, he’d stopped by to check on me.
While he was free to come inside, we would sit in his car in front of the house for hours.
Sometimes we talked. Other times we sat listening to music.
Each time, however, the first thing out of his mouth was How is your mental?
Sometimes that opened the floodgates for tears; other times, it led to a cleansing conversation.
I could purge my feelings to him and not feel like a burden.
Sometimes people only wanted you to listen to their problems, but they weren’t willing to listen to yours in return.
Killian had always been easy to talk to. He’d always have an encouraging word or do something to make me smile. He’d never known that seeing him was the highlight of many of my low days. Without even meaning to, his friendship kept me afloat in times where I was about to tip over the edge.
In my world full of pain and dark, gloomy days, he’d been sunshine.