Chapter 19
nineteen
brEE
Ican’t believe it’s time for me to leave. This sucks.
If I’m being brutally honest, I think I started falling for him the moment we met, which was almost a year ago now.
I was still knee-deep in my mess with Dillon back then, clinging to a relationship I knew was broken.
Pouring myself into fixing what was never meant to be whole again.
And now, here I am, standing on the edge of something that could actually be mine if I let it.
Walking away will be like leaving a piece of me behind that I’ll never get back.
I need to stop overthinking. I really do. Because right now, he’s lying next to me, still asleep, his breath slow, his body warm against mine. These are our last few hours together, and I refuse to waste them stuck in my own head.
He shifts slightly, his fingers brushing mine, and I go still, not wanting to wake him just yet.
I want to freeze this exact second where the world feels like it’s still mine.
To memorize every small detail, like the way his lashes rest against his cheeks, that half smile lingering even in his sleep, the messy hair I tangled with my fingers last night.
The truth is screaming at me. I’m running out of time.
His eyes flutter open, and for a split second, he looks confused, still caught between sleep and waking. Then he catches me staring, and that sleepy, dopey grin spreads across his face.
“What?” he mumbles, his voice rough with sleep, not quite awake but fully aware of me. That awareness makes my heart leap into my throat.
“You drool when you sleep,” I tease. It’s a lie, of course. He doesn’t drool.
His brow furrows as he wipes at his mouth. Then, realization hits and he glares at me, the corners of his mouth twitching as he fights back a smile.
“You’re a brat,” he grumbles, pulling the blanket over his head.
I laugh and tug it back down. “You’re cute when you’re grumpy, you know that?”
He can’t fully hide his smile. “Stop flirting. I’m mad at you.”
How am I supposed to leave this? Leave him?
He’s smirking like he’s got the world at his feet, while I’m here with my heart pounding, knowing that time is slipping through our fingers. It’s too much.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lie. I shake my head, hoping he won’t hear the tremor, but he does.
His gaze sharpens, those piercing eyes narrowing as he reads me like an open book. “You’re thinking about it again, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.” I sit up, pulling the blanket tighter around me, trying to choke down the knot in my throat. “This whole leaving thing sucks.”
“You’re not leaving leaving,” he says, like it’s that simple. “You’re just…temporarily relocating. We’ll see each other again soon. I’ll be texting you memes and random thoughts until you can’t stand it anymore in the meantime.”
I force out a shaky laugh, but it doesn’t quite reach my heart. The ache is still there. He’s trying to make it better, but the thought of leaving still feels like a mountain I can’t climb. “You make it sound so easy.”
He pulls me back down, his arms wrapping around me like he’s trying to keep me tethered to him. I let him, burying my face in his chest, even though my mind won’t stop thinking about the goodbye that’s coming, and how much I’m already dreading it.
“It’s not,” he murmurs, his voice full of that certainty that makes me want to believe him. “We’ll figure it out. You’ll see.”
He sounds so sure, but the knot in my stomach won’t loosen.
“And you’re right, this does suck,” he continues, “but you’re here right now, and I can think of a few different ways to hold us both over until next time.”
I can’t help but laugh, the tension easing as I tilt my head back to look at him. He’s incorrigible, and I just happen to love it.
“Oh yeah? You mean something like this?” I tease, taking his index finger between my lips and letting the tip graze my tongue as I pull it deeper into my mouth, watching his eyes darken.
Before I can take it any farther, he flips me onto my back, his hands moving so fast I’m left gasping for air. His body hovers over mine, the heat between us a live wire, crackling with every breath.
“You want to tease me, lass?” he growls. “I’ll show you teasing.”
I’m all for it. Yes, please.
I barely have time to register his wet finger slipping into my already soaked pussy before his teeth graze over my sensitive nipple.
I burn the image into my brain and save it in my personal lust library for later reference. This is one I’ll definitely want to revisit.
I’m clutching my purse in the passenger seat of Cal’s truck. The closer we get to the airport, the more my heart hurts.
“Don’t let them trick you into paying extra for leg room,” Callan says, his voice light and teasing. “Just take up yoga and learn to fold yourself like origami.”
I steal a glance at him, catching the moment his easy smile falters.
It’s subtle, but it’s enough for me to notice.
He’s doing what he always does by throwing out jokes and trying to keep things upbeat.
His laugh comes quick, but it’s strained and not as genuine as usual.
Today, the mask isn’t working. He’s just as scared as I am.
It almost makes me angry because I don’t want him to deflect. I need him to stop pretending this is just another ordinary goodbye. I want him to say something real. Part of me wishes he’d tell me not to leave and give me a reason to stay.
But this is who he is, and it’s one of the things I love about him. Maybe it’s easier for him than it is for me. Maybe he’s already made peace with it, while I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to manage walking away.
My heart’s screaming to stay, even though logic says I can’t.
My mind flashes back to life before him.
Dillon’s suffocating control, the constant fear gnawing at my insides, the nights spent convincing myself I deserved better but never believing it.
And then Callan happened. Everything about him was the antidote to the poison Dillon left behind.
He made me feel free. He made me feel…alive again.
Now, I’m being asked to walk away from all of it.
It’s a cruel twist of fate, really.
So, no. I can’t be angry with him for trying to make light of all this.
I get it. This is how he holds it together.
I guess I’ve been retreating into my own head for the same reason.
Even as I try to justify it, my chest tightens with the realization that he’s the reason I started believing I deserved better.
Not just better than Dillon, but better than the life I’ve been living where I was too scared to take or feel anything too deeply.
Now, as I watch him with his hands tight on the steering wheel, throwing out jokes like it’s second nature, I can’t help but wonder if he’s just as fragile as I am. He’s holding it all in behind those words that don’t quite reach his eyes. Maybe he’s just as scared of what comes next.
“Callan…”
“Yeah?”
I want to tell him that I’m terrified to go back and he’s the only thing that’s ever felt like home, but the words are stuck in my throat. If I say them out loud, I’m pretty sure it’ll only make this harder for both of us. I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of emotional whiplash.
So instead, I force a smile. It’s small, shaky, and probably about as convincing as a toddler pretending to be a dinosaur. I quickly look away, hoping he won’t notice the way my heart’s on the verge of shattering. “Nothing,” I mumble.
Real smooth.
He doesn’t let it slide. “No. That’s not nothing. You’re not going to just leave without saying what’s on your mind.”
I don’t have to look at him to know his eyes are fixed on me.
The pressure makes the words spill out before I can stop them.
“I’m scared, okay?” I admit, my voice trembling.
“Scared of going back. Scared of everything being the same. Of everything falling apart again. And scared of whatever,” I gesture vaguely between us, “this is.”
There’s nothing but the sound of our breaths filling the silence before I continue. “I don’t know how to leave and not feel like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, but I also don’t know how to stay. I can’t just exist in this…in-between.”
He’s frozen for a moment, and then his expression shifts into shock. His lips part, but no words come. His eyes flicker between me and the road with emotions flashing too quickly for me to catch.
“I didn’t know you felt that way,” he finally says. His gaze isn’t the usual playful, teasing spark I’m used to. And that uncertainty in his eyes? It makes the hole in my chest feel a hell of a lot bigger. I didn’t mean to hurt him, but somehow, I’ve done exactly that.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” I admit. “You seem so…at ease with all of this, and I’m just…” I trail off, the words slipping through my fingers. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to control my breath. “I don’t know what to say, Cal. I’m afraid.”
The truck suddenly feels too small. I’m too nervous to look him in the eyes, but I catch his hand rubbing over his face out of the corner of my eyes.
“You should’ve told me.” His voice is firm, and the words land with more force than I’m ready for. I want to argue and tell him that I didn’t know how, or that I wasn’t ready to expose myself like this, but he’s right. And it stings.
“I know I should have,” I say, determined to keep my voice steady. “But it’s not that simple. You’re always so unbothered. It’s weird to talk about…sad stuff with you.”
His grip on the steering wheel flexes, knuckles paling as his lips press into a hard line. A muscle tics in his jaw, his eyes locked straight ahead while frustration radiates off him in waves.
“That hurts, Bree.” His voice is quieter now, but there’s no mistaking the strain in it. “I just told you it would kill me to see you with anyone else, for Christ’s sake, and you don’t trust me enough to be sad around me?”
The guilt hits me immediately. The last thing I ever wanted was to make him feel like I don’t trust him or like he’s not enough.
“That’s…not what I meant,” I manage, but even I can hear how weak it sounds.
“Then what did you mean? Because right now, it sounds a hell of a lot like you’re saying I’m not the guy you can turn to when you’re hurting.”
I messed up, and now I need to fix it. I need him to understand.
“That’s not it,” I rush to explain. “It’s just… You handle everything so effortlessly. I don’t want to be the one who drags you down with my mess.”
For a second, I think he’s going to snap, but when he speaks, his voice is calm. I should know better.
“Bree, you’re not a burden. You’re never a mess to me. Don’t shut me out. Don’t think I’m too…whatever to care.”
He reaches over and his fingers brush mine, and god, I needed that. The second our skin touches, that familiar warmth spreads through me, silencing the chaos in my mind. He tightens his grip on my hand. “I want all of you. Good, bad, and everything in between.”
I take a shaky breath. “I don’t usually let people in like that,” I confess. “I kind of just…deal with it myself.”
“Not anymore, you don’t,” he says firmly. “If you’re scared, tell me. If you’re sad, angry, hell, if you hate my guts, tell me.”
I don’t stand a chance against this man. He’s out here saying all the right things, holding my hand like I’m the most precious thing he’s ever touched and looking at me like I hung the damn moon.
I should probably say something deep and meaningful to match, but my brain? Useless. All thanks to that ridiculous accent that turns my insides to mush.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Aye?”
“Yes, aye.” I smirk.
He exhales slowly, his voice dropping lower. “I’m terrified, too, Sunshine. Don’t think for a second I’m not. I just wanted to make you smile one more time before I have to watch you walk away.”
Oh, come on. That’s not fair. How am I supposed to keep it together when he says things like that? I’m seconds away from throwing myself at him and ugly crying into his shirt.
And then, as if he can sense I’m teetering on the edge, he tilts his head, his lips twitching. “So, did we just have our first fight?” he asks. “Is this where we kiss and make up?”
The tension around us splinters, cracking wide enough for something softer to slip through, and I let out a laugh. “Yeah, yeah. I guess so.”