32. Summer 19
We’ve been here about an hour, and I have a delightful little buzz. This isn’t like two summers ago when I drank the margaritas. The world doesn’t spin every time I stand, but I feel a little lighter and giddy. I just can’t stop smiling, and things that are only half funny seem funny.
Andrew has been carefully monitoring my drinking, insisting I pace myself. I could be annoyed with him for being overprotective, but I’m choosing to be thankful I have someone who wants to show me how to have a good relationship with alcohol.
The live band started a little while ago, and we pretty much haven’t left the dance floor. Brendan has alternated between dancing with me and just about every other girl in here. He’s so personable and the perfect balance between being flirty and a gentleman, that it’s no surprise he’s been able to get so many dance partners.
Even with the liquid courage running through my veins, I’m still anxious about the reason we came here in the first place. I don’t think any amount of alcohol will make me want to get on a mechanical bull and ride it for fun, but I also recognize if Rebecca were here, she would’ve already ridden the damn thing five times… at least! Everyone who’s done it so far has seemed to have a good time. I’ve watched closely. There is a part of me that is curious, which is infuriating because that only means I have to try it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not terrified to do so.
The band begins a new song, and I watch Andrew’s face completely light up. “No way! Do you know who this is?”
I squint up at the stage setup. “Rusty Boot? That’s a weird name for a band.”
He frowns. “No, the song they’re singing. It’s by Shane Smith the Saints!”
Arching an eyebrow, I ask, “Am I supposed to know who that is?”
“I guess not. They’re not the type of band Rebecca would’ve listened to and introduced to you. This is a great song though. Will you dance with me?” He bows down to me with an outstretched hand, looking like Prince Charming asking Cinderella to dance with him.
Smiling, I take his hand, and he pulls me in. “What’s the name of the song?” I ask him, leaning into his ear so he can hear me over the music that is now picking up.
“’All I See is You,’” he responds, sending chills down my spine from the sensual brush of his lips and the sweet meaning behind the song title.
I tune in to the song as the beat picks up, making me want to do a little jig, but instead, I follow Andrew’s lead, bounding and spinning around with glee.
Andrew twirls me around then pulls me in snug against him with his arms crossed over me. There’s a brief moment when our eyes connect, and we exchange a look that says so much more than words ever could. The band plays their upbeat song, the neon lights in the bar flash on the walls, and people all around us drunkenly twirl and bound, but in that moment, it’s like my surroundings fade. All that’s left is Andrew’s handsome face, radiating warmth and love. The look in his eyes is warm and soft. He’s in love too. I can tell.
“This song is so cute I want to cry!” I shout over the music.
His already smiling face transforms into pure joy as he spins me back out. He releases me and links elbows with me, skipping in a circle, and I can’t help but throw my head back and laugh at his goofiness. He’s not the most amazing dancer, but I’d dance with him any day because he just lets loose and has a good time.
The song winds down, and I catch myself panting from the sporadic and goofy dancing we just did. Andrew grabs me by the waist, drawing me in closer for a soft kiss. It has all the gentleness that leaves me longing for more and makes me forget we are surrounded by people. Or maybe the alcohol is hitting me a little more than I realize, but anyhow, I go in for more, slipping my tongue teasingly into his mouth.
I feel his grip on my waist tighten and can’t help but smirk against his lips as I begin to realize how my kiss is impacting him too. I’m almost certain he is about to pull me out the front door and take me straight home when he pulls away. “So are you ready to ride a bull?”
I wince. “Five more minutes?”
He steps closer to me. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
A wave of relief rolls over me, but it’s quickly followed by guilt. Why do I feel guilty?
I straighten up a little. “I’ll do it.”
“What?”
Looking back up into Andrew’s beautiful blue eyes, I repeat, “I’ll do it.”
“Yes!” He wraps me up in a bear hug. “I didn’t want to push you too hard, but I knew you wanted to! You aren’t going to regret this. This will be a story you’ll tell your kids someday!” He rattles on in excitement. “Rebecca would be so proud.”
His words crack my heart in two, but I plaster on a smile anyway. It must not be entirely convincing because his smile falters as he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Rebecca would be proud. That’s all. I just miss her,” I say, shrugging and trying not to let the alcohol get the best of my emotions.
Andrew pulls me back into his brawny arms and squeezes tight, rubbing my back. “I miss her too.” After a moment he adds, “Somehow doing these things makes me feel a little closer to her, you know?”
I nod my head into his chest, and his grip on me tightens. When Brendan walks up, I pull away from Andrew with a renewed sense of determination.
“Is it time to ride Benji?” Brendan asks with glee.
“Hell yeah, I’m ready! I call dibs on going first!” Andrew beams.
Brendan is quick to argue, but after a well-fought battle of rock, paper, scissors, Andrew wins.
There’s no line outside, so Andrew hops on right away. Watching him cling to the bull fills me with anticipation. For someone who has never done this before, he sure has a lot of confidence.
Even without experience, he seems to be doing great. I watch him squeeze the bull tightly with his knees, and he remains loose, letting the bull whip him around with his chin tucked to his chest while his center of gravity remains square on the center of Benji.
The bull gets faster and faster, and I begin to wonder if he lied about never doing this before. He’s a natural, and he’s clinging on longer than I’ve seen anyone last tonight. Granted, he is definitely the most sober person to ride Benji this evening, maybe ever.
Benji gives another violent thrust, and it’s enough to break Andrew’s grip. He flies off the bull onto the padding below.
Brendan and I rush to his side, checking on him. He looks fine, but his face is a mix of joy and sorrow. He’s smiling, but I swear I see a tear forming in his eye.
Brendan helps him to his feet as Andrew asks, “Are you next?”
“I don’t think I can follow that performance, man! I’ve tried before, and I always fall off five seconds in.”
“That’s never stopped you before.”
Brendan tips his head to acknowledge Andrew’s point and heads toward the bull, hopping on.
Still watching Brendan, I whisper, “You looked a little emotional.”
He shrugs. “This is going to sound crazy, but I could feel her there. There was a moment when I could hear her cheering me on and saying how much of a badass I was.” He chuckles.
I throw an arm around him. “That doesn’t sound crazy at all.”
As I finish my words, Brendan gets thrown off. He was right. He probably only lasted about five seconds.
“All you, Emma!” Brendan sings. “I’ll warn you though. Benji is not very kind.”
I nervously push past him toward the mechanical bull. I can still feel the buzz coursing through my body, giving me an odd sense of confidence, which somehow simultaneously makes me even more nervous. I don’t know the first thing about bull riding! Damn it! I should’ve done some research on my phone beforehand.
I slip one leg over the big bull and slip my hand through the strap I’m supposed to hold onto. The bull begins to move, and I tense up, but it’s not so bad. I have no clue how Brendan got thrown off so early. This is easy.
Then there’s a clicking sound as the bull levels up and begins bucking harder. I fill with panic as I try to remember what Andrew did to stay on so long. I quickly realize I’m not afraid of riding the bull. I’m afraid of what happens when I can’t stay on anymore.
I squeeze my knees as tight as they can go. I can’t see them, but I’m sure they’re turning white like the knuckles on my right hand as it grasps the strap. I try to tuck my chin, letting Benji throw me whichever way he pleases and praying I can stay on. I do, for a little while, but right as I grow proud of myself for staying on through the last buck, I get thrown off.
Andrew rushes over to me with a bright smile on his face. “You did amazing!”
I blush. “Thank you! I tried to mimic you as much as I could, but that bull has an attitude.”
He chuckles and helps me up. “Are you ready to head home yet?”
I nod. “I think it’s about time we call it a night.”
We snag Brendan, who got distracted between his bull ride and my own with a beautiful, leggy brunette. On our way out the front door, Jimmy waves at us with a friendly grin.
“I think tonight turned out to be a success,” I say as we drive home. Brendan is already passed out in the back seat.
Andrew gives me a soft smile. “It did. Thanks. I know this is far from your idea of a fun evening.”
“I wouldn’t say far!” I jump in, a little offended. “I got to spend the whole evening with you, dancing and playing around. I enjoy Brendan’s company and seeing the two of you together. Plus, now we can both say we’ve ridden a mechanical bull. How cool is that?”
He beams back at me. “I can’t wait to tell all my buddies at school I rode a bull. When I tell them the story, it’s going to be a real bull, though. And it’s going to have a scarier name than Benji… maybe Big Ben.”
I roll my eyes. “Cause Big Ben really gets you shaking in your boots.”
“Okay, I’ll think of something better.”
I laugh, but it’s not quite a full-hearted laugh. My mind is racing at the mention of school. Our relationship is worth fighting for. I need to make an effort to talk with him before it’s too late. “Hey Andrew, I’m scared about what comes next.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re about to leave for school again. That means I won’t get to spend every day with you. We’ll have to try to stay in touch through texts and Facetimes, and deal with busy schedules and time differences.”
“I’m scared too, Em. We’ll be okay though. We’ve done it before.”
“It wasn’t the same.”
He reaches out for my hand. “I know, but we aren’t the same people we were in the past either. We are stronger and better. We’ve got this.”
I nod, trying to reassure myself too. “You’re excited to go back to school, aren’t you?”
He shrugs. “I mean, I’ll miss you, but I’m ready to get out of my parents’ house and see my friends. Plus, I reached out to my guidance counselor about switching majors, and it looks like I’ll not only be able to do it, but I’ll be able to get into some writing courses for the fall semester!”
I pause. “You didn’t tell me about that. When did you reach out?”
“Eh, about a week ago.”
“That’s great, Andrew!” My excitement for him dissipates. “How did this happen a week ago, and I’m just now hearing about it?” I try to sound casual, desperately ignoring the way my heart hurts because he failed to tell me such big news.
“I don’t know. I got the email in between training sessions with Brendan, and then my parents bombarded me with chores when I got home. I guess I was just busy and forgot.”
Andrew’s tone is so casual, and it splits me in two. I’m reminded of last year when he didn’t respond to my texts. I know that was an entirely different situation, but I’m beginning to wonder if we will be able to handle a long-distance relationship. If he forgets to mention big news to me while we are seeing each other every day, how is he going to communicate with me when we are six hours away and not seeing each other for months at a time?
I’m sober enough now to realize my thoughts are spiraling, but I can’t help it. I’m scared. My feelings for him have grown so much stronger this summer. They are far from just a crush. Right now, I feel the kind of love for Andrew that I know can crush me if I lose it, and it’s terrifying. I don’t know how to prevent it, but I have to. I’ve already been through so much in the last year.
People try long-distance all the time, and it rarely works. My roommate last year had a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend until he cheated on her two months later. Andrew would never do that to me. I know that in my heart, but it doesn’t mean long-distance won’t find another way to tear us apart from one another.
We spend the rest of the car ride listening to Shane Smith the Saints’s version of “All I See is You.” Andrew hums along gleefully, but I feel the summer ending, and the weight of it all is breaking me.