34. Summer 19
Isit in my pajamas with a clean body and full belly, reading a book alone in my room. I haven’t seen Andrew much today, and the distance has given me perhaps too much time to think. I desperately want to talk with Dani about my conversation with Andrew last night and all the resulting feelings I’ve had since then, but for some reason, this just feels like something I need to tackle by myself.
Andrew’s truth bomb last night about his courses shouldn’t be making me feel this upset, but it’s only sent me down a rabbit hole. This isn’t the first time he’s kept something to himself. How are we possibly going to tackle distance together if he can’t open up to me? The thought constricts my lungs and makes my stomach do a few somersaults. In the past twenty-four hours, it’s started to hit me just how much Andrew’s silence last year left a scar on my heart. After Rebecca’s accident, I lost two of my best friends in one day, and one of them was still alive. One of them chose to leave me. Then there’s his other minute moments of secrecy which somehow hurt just as bad and cause my doubts to swirl like a hurricane inside my head. I know we’ve talked about it a little bit, but I’m still terrified that trying to put our relationship through long distance is only going to end in heartbreak.
I can’t lose Andrew again. He’s helped me so much this summer with overcoming my fears and healing in the wake of Rebecca’s accident. Were we being crazy for thinking this would work?
We’re only nineteen, which means we’d have to handle distance for at least three more years during college. That’s ridiculous to try to tie ourselves down like that when we have so much life to live. I may love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything, and he may bring light into my shadows, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.
I know I can’t take the heartbreak from losing Andrew again after losing his sister not even a year ago, and I definitely wouldn’t wish that heartache upon Andrew either. He’s been through enough in his lifetime. I should probably just end things now. We only had the summer together. It will hurt a lot less to end things now rather than draw it out. We can stay friends, and then I won’t have to lose him for good.
I huff and set my book down. There’s no way I can sit and read right now. I’m far too distracted. Grabbing my phone, I press shuffle on one of my playlists. Music will clear my mind. It will give me the clarity I need to figure out what’s right for Andrew and me.
But the first song to play is “Porch Swing Angel.”
“Are you kidding me?” I grumble to my phone, skipping the song and throwing my phone across my room to the soft protection of my bed.
My music shuts off suddenly. Growing more irritated by the minute, I drag myself off my window seat, tears forming in my eyes as I march across my room toward my bed to hit play again.
Except the play button isn’t even an option because my music is being interrupted by a call from Andrew. My thumb hovers over the button, ready to slide it and answer it, but I hesitate. I just said I needed some time to think. I don’t need to answer his call right now. I can talk to him later, I convince myself.Except, seeing his contact photo, a selfie with Andrew kissing me on the cheek, makes me completely ignore whatever thoughts I had. It’s my sweet Andrew. I should just talk with him about all the things weighing on me. If there’s anything I’ve learned from the past, it’s the importance of communication.
“What’s up?” I answer.
“Hey, gorgeous! I wanted to see what you are up to. I think I’m free for dinner tonight.”
“Do you want to come over for a little bit? I’ve had some things on my mind, and I think it would be good for us to talk through them.”
“I’ll be right over.”
I note the fear in his voice and rush to console him, but he’s already hung up. Before I can even consider doing something with my hair or putting some Chapstick on my dry lips, he’s knocking on my window.
I glance up to find Andrew crouched down and peering in. He’s dressed in one of his university track and field t-shirts with his typical effortlessly messy hairdo. My heart does a little pitter-patter, and I can’t help but think that maybe I was being irrational. Seeing him here in front of me, all I feel is love for him, even with his imperfections.
I crack the window open for him, and he begins popping the screen off simultaneously. As he steps in, I thoughtlessly reach for his hand to help him balance and immediately feel my palm light on fire from his touch.
He pulls me into him for a fierce hug, and I have a flash of saying goodbye to him in a week. It makes my already aching heart whimper in pain, but I tell it to shut up as I pull away from Andrew, putting distance between us again. I gesture for him to sit on the bed next to me.
He follows my guidance and reaches for my hands, placing both of them in the warmth of his calloused palms. I take a deep breath, recentering myself and not letting his touch distract me from my purpose.
Andrew’s piercing blue eyes are analyzing me closely when he finally speaks, “Em, what’s going on?”
“I know we talked last night about distance, but I think we need to revisit the subject. I’m absolutely freaking out that we aren’t going to be able to make this work. I don’t know anyone who has survived distance, and I just can’t lose you.”
He narrows his brows at me. “We aren’t going to break each other’s hearts. Don’t let your doubts creep in now.”
“But aren’t you just a little concerned about distance? It’s not an easy thing to overcome, and we’ve only been together for several weeks.”
“But we’ve known each other for over ten years. That means something.”
“I mean, yeah, I guess it does, but still. Andrew, can you really tell me you’re not afraid?”
“Em, where is this coming from all of a sudden? You sound like you’re trying to break things off.”
“I’m not trying to break things off, but I do think we need to take off our rose-colored glasses and face the facts. Long-distance doesn’t work. Look at last year. We were both going through things, and your way of handling that was by cutting me out. Last night, I found out you didn’t feel the need to share a pretty monumental life event with me until almost a week later. I should be the first one you want to tell. Now, you won’t even admit to me that you’re scared of distance. You still can’t communicate. We need to communicate better than we ever have when we’re that far apart, and we are both going to get so busy when we go back to school. Maybe we don’t make sense right now. If we just go back to being friends, all of this will hurt less. There’s no breaking up, no losing each other, no resentment. We can still be us without all the pressure of a relationship. It will be just like the last ten years, which had been pretty great before Rebecca’s accident.”
“I’m not going to let you do this. I agree, we should talk about distance, and we can get real about it. It’s going to be hard, but just because you haven’t seen something work doesn’t mean it can’t. You know we can’t just go back to the way things were.” He clasps my hand tightly and pulls me back toward him, wrapping me up in his embrace, filling my nostrils with the scent of his rustic body wash.
I shake my head, refusing to look at him. “You might not understand now, but this is for your own good.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand what could possibly be going through your head right now to make you think this is what’s best for us. I thought we were going to talk about solutions to make this work. I didn’t realize you already made up your mind.” He pulls away from me as his nostrils flare.
“I haven’t made up my mind, but I’m offering this as a solution where we can minimize the damage. Do you think we can last through all the obstacles we are about to face, Andrew?”
“I believe in us. We can handle anything that’s thrown our way. You don’t have any reason to doubt us. We’ve been great together. Maybe just take a deep breath and let your thoughts settle for a second.”
“I don’t need a second. I know I have a reason to doubt us.” I growl. “Where did you disappear to when things got hard last year? You completely cut me out of your life. You had almost an entire year to heal and patch things up with me, but you waited until I was confronting you. You think we are going to survive long-distance when you shut people out like that? No.”
I’m stunned by my sharp tone, but I’m sort of proud I finally recognized the way he made me feel so long ago and for speaking up for myself.
He shakes his head at me. “You’re not upset with me. You’re letting your fears creep in. Don’t throw us away because you’re scared of what you’re feeling or what you might be able to feel if we move forward. Don’t let all of this come crashing down because you’re afraid of losing me. You’re just going to turn your worst fears into your reality if you do. I know I haven’t been the best at expressing how I feel all the time, but I’m willing to work on it for us.”
My lip is quivering now, and my lungs feel like they’re being squeezed in the hands of a giant. “I think it’s too late to work on it. I need you to be better now. I need to know I can trust you now. We are running out of time, Andrew.”
A flash of hurt crosses his face. “I can’t believe you’d expect me to just be perfect overnight. I accept you for who you are. I love every part of you, your vibrant, funny, smart, and kind side but also your scared, overthinking, reserved side. Love should be about choosing to work on things together and being patient as people grow, not demanding they be better right now or else. I thought you felt the same way about me as I did for you, but I guess I was wrong.”
His words slice my heart in two. As he sits up from my bed, each of his movements is like a foot stomping on the remaining pieces of my heart.
“Andrew, no that’s not?—”
“Em, please stop. I believe in us, but you clearly need some space. I don’t want to hear from you for a couple days until you’ve had some time to figure things out.”
As he slams my window closed, tears stream down my face uncontrollably, and I can practically hear both our hearts shattering like glass. I can’t help the thought that crosses my mind as I watch him walk away. This is where we end.