40. Summer 19
An hour later, I sit out on the Martins’ back deck with a plate of homemade tacos in my lap and the scent of Andrew’s rustic shampoo emanating off of me like a cloud. Andrew, the angel that he is, ensured I not only got cleaned up but got fed immediately after we got home.
The sun is setting, and I can’t help but feel disappointed. It’s not quite eight o’clock, and it’s already starting to get dark. That means the summer is coming to an end, and I’m not ready to close this chapter yet.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Rebecca’s accident. Andrew and I have both managed to carefully avoid the word death. It feels too vulgar, even if it is the reality we are facing.
We plan to get up early tomorrow morning so we can make the trek up to the viewpoint and watch the sunrise while eating cookie dough. I guess in a way, eating cookie dough at six in the morning is an act of rebellion in and of itself that Rebecca would’ve enjoyed. I’m genuinely excited about it. It’s weird how I can feel melancholic and sentimental while still being excited to celebrate Rebecca all in one moment.
I take a bite from my taco, topped with taco sauce and guacamole. “Are you sure your parents are going to be okay? They shouldn’t be working tomorrow. You should spend the day together as a family.”
Andrew’s parents had no desire to be at the lake tomorrow, so they flew out to handle some business matters early this morning. Everyone has their own ways of handling grief, but their insistence on throwing themselves into work makes me sad for them. I’ve been there before, and it’s a dark path. Rebecca was their daughter though. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your child, a personal mini-me made of half you and half the person you love.
Tilting his head, Andrew explains, “My parents are great, and our family is close, but some things haven’t been the same since the accident. Sometimes I think being around me hurts them because, despite our many differences, Rebecca and I do also have lots in common.”
I wince. “I can see that in you too, but it doesn’t hurt me to be around you. You’re their son!”
He smiles softly. “They still love me. Things are just different. My dad has always found work to be important. That’s how we’ve been able to afford our lifestyle. As for my mom, she’s always kept herself busy taking care of us, and she doesn’t need to do that anymore, so I think this has been good for her. She’s found something new that’s her own. Yeah, she’s working for my dad’s company, but she’s taken on several projects as entirely her own, and I’ve never seen her happier.”
“Does it hurt you though? Do you feel… I don’t know… left behind?”
“I might’ve if I didn’t have you, but instead I get to spend the evening with my gorgeous girlfriend slash best friend doing terribly sinful things with no parents around.” His eyelids lower seductively.
I push his shoulder. “Andrew! I’m being serious!”
“So am I!” he grumbles. “There’s no place I’d rather be right now, Em. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I’ve got you, good food, and a beautiful sunset. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”
I can’t help but smile. I turn my gaze back to the sunset, admiring its soft orange hues that melt into pinks. It’s like looking at a watercolor painting. “This is more than a beautiful sunset. It’s gorgeous!” I exclaim.
Andrew just shakes his head. “No, it’s not. That word is reserved for you.”
“You’re so cheesy!” I blush.
“But it’s working,” he says smugly.
I take the last bite of my taco, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a response, but he’s a quick thinker. “I see I have mastered the art of making tacos. You inhaled them!”
I giggle. “Don’t go getting too full of yourself. I only ate mine so quickly because there was nothing else to eat. For future reference, tacos shouldn’t be so salty.” I make a sour face.
He gasps and pretends to be offended, and I’m reminded so much of his sister. Rebecca and Andrew always had such distinct personalities and physical characteristics that it’s easy to forget they shared a womb for nine months. One could tell they’re related by looking closely at them, but to me, they’ve always been individuals.
Andrew breaks the space between us, grabbing my empty plate from my lap and placing them gently on the table behind him. He pulls me to my feet and traces the back of his forefinger along my jaw till it reaches my chin. Tilting my head up to face him, he slowly pulls me in for a kiss.
His warm mouth crashes into mine, and his tongue flickers and teases my mouth. When he gently bites my lower lip and slowly pulls it, I swear I whimper a little bit.
The corners of his mouth turn up at the sound, and he pulls me back into the house, taking me straight to his bedroom. There’s a pulsing in my chest that travels south as I follow him, gleefully, only feeling excitement for this next step.
When my alarm goes off at four am to make cookie dough, I am floating on a cloud. Andrew peels his eyelids open for a moment, just long enough to give me a gentle kiss. “Good morning, love. Do you need help?”
I nuzzle into him before responding, “I’ve got this. You can get a little more sleep.” I press a kiss to his forehead, and I swear he’s dozed back to sleep before I can even walk the ten steps out of his room.
As I mindlessly blend the ingredients in the Martins’ kitchen, purely out of habit after so many years, my mind drifts to the events of last night.
When Andrew and I broke apart, allowing our breath to slowly go back to normal, he pulled me back into him quickly, wrapping me in his warm embrace and making me feel more loved than I ever had before.
“I love you, Em,” he whispered into my ear.
“I love you too, Andrew. With all my heart.”
We sat in that moment for several minutes before anyone spoke again. “I don’t know about you, but I immensely enjoyed that,” he told me. “I think we should be doing this all the time. I’m sure this is a great workout. I can stop going to the gym and just stay in bed with you every day from here on out.”
Laughter bubbled up from inside me. “Yeah? I’m sure your coach would loooove to hear all about your new training regimen.” I wink.
“You’d be surprised. My coach is pretty young and quite the player. He’d probably give me a high five and buy me a beer if he knew what I just did.”
My jaw nearly fell to the floor. “That’s not very coach-like of him! And you better not be going and bragging to your coach or any of your buddies about this.”
“I’m only teasing you, Em. I hope you know that. I respect you and our privacy enough to not go bragging about this.” He had turned dead serious by this point, and I felt once again comforted and sure.
I don’t know how I ever doubted Andrew. I can trust him with my whole heart and then some. I don’t know what our future holds, but I do believe as long as I’m with him, I have the space and the support to be my most vibrant self, which is a beautifully unique thing.
Andrew comes up from the basement, disrupting my memories. His hair is combed, and I smell the faintest hint of cologne.
Rattling chocolate chips into a measuring cup, I note, “You look nice! I didn’t realize this would be a formal occasion.”
“It’s not.” He quickly adds, “It shouldn’t be. Rebecca wouldn’t want that. She’d be pissed at us if we dressed up.” With a chuckle, he admits, “She would’ve been pissed at me too if I showed up without at least combing my hair, though.”
I laugh with him, nodding as I imagine her response to an unkempt Andrew. Andrew! Seriously? You couldn’t even comb your hair for your dead sister? Honestly, I don’t know how you ever managed to get Emma to love you with that kind of hygiene.
“Shall we?” I ask as I transfer the cookie dough into some Tupperware so I can cover it up on the drive.
“I think we shall,” Andrew replies, grabbing two spoons from the drawer.
“Ohhh, good catch!” I tell him, relieved he is pulled together enough to remember this small detail.
In Andrew’s truck, the silence is quickly broken by Andrew’s nervous words. “I know I only have a few minutes before this whole thing becomes all about Rebecca, as it should, but I feel the need to acknowledge last night. I love you so much, Em. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel this much love for a person. I feel like I can’t even contain all the love. I just want to tell you every second of every day how much I love you, and it still won’t be enough.” He sighs, and I can tell he has more, so I wait patiently for him to continue. “I guess all I can do is try to love you the way you deserve and say thank you for sharing your darkest and your brightest moments with me. Thank you for always calling me on my bullshit and for loving me even when it isn’t easy.”
“Andrew, it’s always easy with you.”
“Now it’s my turn to call you on your bullshit.” He smirks.
We pull up to the view, and I’m reminded of when we first came up here together earlier this summer. I was overcoming my fear of being here, of facing all the memories I had shared with Rebecca in this very spot. Now, I have new memories here, and it feels bittersweet. I never want to replace those memories with Rebecca, but it kind of feels good to have some memories that don’t have a hint of sadness to them, to have found light in the shadows.
We set up a blanket in the grass and watch the sun rise as we binge eat cookie dough with happy tears filling our eyes. The bright light peeking over the horizon is a beautiful metaphor for all the beginnings we’re embarking on: a new relationship, a new year of school, a new life where we aren’t hindered by fear.
Just like the sunrise, our future is filled with bright colors and vibrance. I wish Rebecca could be a part of it all, but instead of being sad about the fact that she won’t be, I’m grateful for the role she played in getting us here, happy, at peace, and in love.