Chapter 22 #2
She looked out at the lake. At the ridge beyond it and the sky above it and the full blazing beauty of an October morning in the Adirondacks. “Yeah. It’s over. All of it.”
She could tell that Sophie understood what she hadn’t said. She always did.
When Sophie spoke, it was quiet, tentative, as if she didn’t want to hear the answer. “What are you planning to do now?”
She walked to the back slider, looking out and watching the way the light moved across the lake, slow and golden. “I’m going to pack.”
Another beat of silence. “Pack.”
“Yes.”
“What are you talking about?” Sophie’s voice had changed entirely, its warmth sharpening into something more direct.
“I’m leaving. Today.”
The pause that followed meant Sophie was choosing her next words with unusual care. “Does Cole know?”
She moved away from the slider and returned to the kitchen, running her hands over the smooth granite island.
“Not yet, but he will. I asked him to come by after he finished his trail ride, before he gets Beck. I’ll say goodbye properly then.
It’s time for me to go, Soph. The investigation is done, and Susan’s operation is complete.
There’s no reason for me to stay any longer. ”
“No reason,” Sophie repeated, her tone making it clear she considered this assessment at best incomplete and at worst completely wrong. “Jewel, I know you. I’ve known you for most of our adult lives. And I know what I hear in your voice when you talk about that man.”
“Sophie, don’t.”
“You’re in love with him.”
She didn’t say anything.
“You are, and you know it. And don’t bother doing that thing where you go quiet and wait for me to change the subject, because I won’t. You’re in love with this cowboy, and you’re still planning to pack up your car and leave, and I need you to explain that to me in a way that makes sense.”
She looked over at the dining table. The woodgrain, worn smooth where people sat most often, had a unique patina that showed years of everyday life—meals, homework, coffee cups, and most recently, a four-year-old’s grubby hands.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It absolutely does matter!”
“No. I mean, it doesn’t matter if I love him, because he doesn’t love me back.
Not really.” She sank into one of the chairs at the table and pressed her fingers against it hard.
“I don’t want to be a rebound. That’s not good enough.
I don’t want to be the woman he turns to because he’s hurt and alone and needs someone to help with Beck.
I don’t want to be the placeholder.” She stopped and took a deep breath.
“I’ve already settled for that once, Soph.
With Robert. I know how it will destroy me, and I’m not doing it again. ”
“Cole is nothing like Robert.”
“No. He isn’t, which is exactly why it would hurt so much more. If I stay and find out his love isn’t real, it’ll break me. I know it will. I’d rather leave now, while I still can, than stay until I have no choice but to leave anyway, and end up with nothing left of myself when I do.”
Sophie was quiet for a moment. “What happened? Something’s changed. What is it?”
She looked out the front window at the paddock across the street. She watched Sundancer moving along the fence line. “Ever since I told him about Vivian, he’s been different. Quieter. More withdrawn.”
She took a breath. It was difficult to put this into words.
“I think for the first time since she went missing, he’s finally been able to actually grieve.
Maybe not for her directly, but for what he believed they had.
For the years he spent loving her. For what she took from him and from Beckett.
” She pressed her forehead against the window, feeling its cool smoothness.
“I know he needs that. He deserves it. But it made me realize something.”
“What?”
“That there’s a space in his heart where Vivian still lives. And I don’t know if there’s room for me in there, too. I don’t know if I’m someone he actually wants, or just someone who was here when he needed someone to be here.”
“Oh, Jewel! Have you considered just talking to him about all of this?” Sophie’s voice was very gentle now.
“I’ve considered it.”
“And?”
“I’m afraid to hear what he’ll say. If he tells me to stay because he loves me, I’ll believe him completely, and I’ll stay.
Maybe I’ll be wrong, and it will destroy me.
And if he says it’s been wonderful, but it’s time to move on…
I’d just rather not hear that.” She said it plainly because it was the plainest truth she had.
“What about Beckett?”
She closed her eyes briefly. “Don’t.”
“I have to ask. What about Beckett, Jewel?”
“He has his father. He has Susan. He has his uncle, his aunt, and his cousin. He has a whole life here that existed before I arrived and will continue after I leave. He’s only four. He’ll adjust. Children do.” She opened her eyes, realizing they were wet.
“You don’t believe that.”
She didn’t answer, and Sophie pressed on quietly. “And what about Sundancer? Are you planning to load her up into your Audi and drive off into the sunset with her?”
She shook her head, even though Sophie couldn’t see her. “I’ll ask Cole to keep her until I can arrange for someone to come get her.”
“None of those are good answers, Jewel.”
“There are the only ones I have right now.” She moved away from the front window and back to the slider.
The lake was still, with hardly a ripple.
The trees blazed along its far shore, red and gold and burning.
It was the most beautiful thing she’d seen in years, and later today, she would drive away from it and not look back because that’s what you did while you were still strong enough to do it, and she refused to wait until she wasn’t.
“Please try to understand. I have to leave while I still can. Every day I stay, it becomes harder. Every morning in this kitchen, every ride on that trail, every time Beck—” She stopped, furiously wiping at her eyes. “I have to go now. While I’m still strong enough.”
Sophie was quiet for a long moment, and when she spoke, her voice was soft, resigned, and full of sadness for someone who loved her enough not to keep arguing. “When’s he coming home?”
“In a few hours. After the trail ride.”
“And you’ll be packed by then.”
“Yes.”
There was another long silence. “Okay. You know I think you’re wrong.
You know I think you’re running from the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
But I also know you, and I know that when you’ve made up your mind, there’s no point in trying to stop you.
Call me when you’re on the road. In fact, call me from every stop you make. And, Jewel, I love you.”
She pressed her hand flat against the cold glass of the slider. “I know. I love you, too.”
She finished the call and paused at the slider for a moment longer, gazing at the lake, the trees, and the mountains beyond, taking it all in with the deliberate, conscious attention of someone making a memory they planned to keep forever.
Then she set her phone on the counter and went to her room to pack.