Chapter 6
CHAPTER
Lucinda
The Present
I HADN’T BEEN OUT here since I was a child.
I avoided it at all costs.
I thought about Rhett and wondered if he still wandered the gravel path. Whether he ambled along the tree line, remembering a woman that was long gone but never silent.
I didn’t know what made me drive out to this desolate spot after Mom and McKenzie had fallen asleep. But I felt compelled to. It was an irresistible urge I knew I couldn’t fight.
Maybe I was looking for the serenity and solitude that my husband claimed he found there one upon a time.
Maybe I was hoping I could face the darkness that lived there and come out victorious.
Whatever the reason, here I was. In the woods. Alone. In the dark.
Probably not my smartest idea if I was being honest. Yet I knew what the real danger in these woods was, and it wasn’t the bears or bobcats.
I pulled the flashlight from my pocket and turned it on, making my way along the twists and turns of the now overgrown trail. The county used to maintain it. The gravel would be replaced regularly and the weeds chopped back.
Now … ever since the body, no one bothered. As if it had been a collective decision to try to forget it ever existed.
I wished it were that easy for me.
The air felt heavy and thick in a way that had nothing to do with the temperature or weather. This was a space that had seen things.
I never understood how Rhett found peace in such a place. In trees and rocks laden with a morbid past.
A past even more morbid now because of Jenn.
I shivered as the memory of her skittered across my brain. A whisper of a breeze whistled in my ears. The sound of laughter echoed off the boulders.
And inexplicably, I swore I could hear the tinkling of windchimes.
I started to walk faster, but it quickly built to a run as my need to get away from there overtook me. It was a fast-paced sprint as I traversed the mile it took to reach the end.
I stumbled over roots, barely staying upright, until I reached the cliffs.
With my lungs on fire, I looked out over the valley, instinctively knowing the direction of Fern River.
It was beautiful in a cold, foreboding way. Stars shone overhead, the full moon lighting up the sky so I didn’t need the flashlight now I was out of the thick of the woods.
I stood there for a long time. Until my breathing slowed and my limbs stopped quivering, as I watched the town below.
And I felt the embrace of ghosts that would never leave me.
I stared at the glowing numbers on my alarm clock. Watching as the minutes rolled by.
I had been lying in bed since midnight trying to rest, but my mind wouldn’t stop its manic race from one worst-case scenario to the next. With a frustrated sigh I sat up, giving up on sleep altogether.
Mom was sleeping on the sofa bed in McKenzie’s room. We hadn’t spoken much when she showed up. She made me a cup of chamomile tea and instructed me to sit in the living room.
“Put your feet up and watch something to get your mind off all this,” she said. She handed me the remote control after turning on a reality dating show that under normal circumstances, I would have been happy to watch.
But not today.
“Sorry, Mom, watching people jump in and out of each other’s beds like horny rabbits is not my idea of a good time right now,” I’d snapped, my voice rising, “or did you forget my husband is being interrogated by the police for murder. He’s not down there making ori-fucking-gami!
” The rage came quickly and wasn’t entirely connected to the situation.
I wasn’t mad about my husband, I was mad at him.
Mom had looked taken aback by my hostility. After that night all those years ago, I knew she was unnerved by me. In fact, she often appeared on edge around our entire family.
There had been so many times I’d longed for a relationship with her where I could tell her my secrets and she’d love me anyway. Because, deep down, I was still a little girl that craved the affection and approval of her parents.
But that wasn’t the way things were—and they never would be.
“Maybe we should call Bailey. She’ll come over and sit with you. She’s worried about you and Rhett. She’s absolutely beside herself,” Mom said.
“I don’t need Bailey. You and I both know being helpful is not exactly her strong suit.”
Mom had opened her mouth to speak, but I held up my hand, cutting her off. I inwardly flinched at the panic on her face.
She had once been such a force. She had been strong and in charge. Everyone knew who held the true power in my parents’ relationship—and it was Mabel Jean.
But over the years she’d become more diminished.
She was skittish and overanxious. Now, she backed down much too easily, avoiding a fight rather than jump into one the way she used to.
And there was a look of pure fright that would appear on her face that was the strongest indicator something had fractured within my once indomitable mother.
The only person that could make her smile anymore was McKenzie.
It made the guilt even worse.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I said wearily.
Mom patted her hair nervously. “Oh, it’s fine. It’s a stressful time for everyone.”
“I know you’re only trying to help. I’ll call Bailey tomorrow.”
“Yes, well …” Mom looked around uneasily. “I think I’ll go check on McKenzie.”
“You don’t need to do that.” I pointed to the baby monitor perched on the coffee table.
“Oh, right. Well, I still think one of us should be up there in case she wakes up and wonders where her daddy is.” Before I could argue anymore, Mom disappeared up the stairs and I heard the door of my daughter’s room open and shut softly over the static-y airwaves.
I knew she was only offering so she could get away from me. I wished I would stop letting my parents’ dismissal bother me so much.
Then, I had walked to the kitchen and dumped the contents of my mug down the drain and grabbed the car keys and left for Jagged Point before I could talk myself out of it.
Going there had been a bad idea. It brought those memories far too close to the surface. I worked hard to suppress them. To pretend they never existed in the first place.
I was really good at make-believe. It’s the only way I had been able to stay married all these years.
But right now, I was torturing myself with second-guessing. I needed to get my head together. And driving out there hadn’t helped a thing.
It had only reminded me why I avoided the place to begin with. It was too dark. Too silent. Like it sat there in judgment of all my mistakes. The trees and rocks knew my secrets and sometimes, when the wind blew, it felt like they were trying to reveal them.
I returned home quickly then went straight to bed, leaving every light blazing, terrified that the darkness had followed me home.
But I hadn’t slept.
I stupidly thought I could put my demons to rest for at least a little while.
I was so very, very wrong.
And as the minutes ticked by, Rhett still hadn’t come home.
Lately, I had grown accustomed to his empty side of the bed.
He was often late coming home from work for one reason or another.
Or he would stay up long after me, sometimes into the early hours.
I had become used to the loneliness, accepting that was the way it was going to be.
But this was different. This felt like something final.
Lying in bed now, staring at the ceiling, I thought of all the ways this could go. The only conclusion I came to was that this situation needed to be managed very carefully.
Just like last time.
Because, no matter what, I was determined that the memory of Jennifer Moore wouldn’t come back to haunt me.
I stared out the bedroom window at the hazy early morning light.
Dawn was coming hard and fast, and I felt unprepared for the day ahead.
I knew Kenz would ask for her daddy first thing, as she did every morning.
She’d expect Rhett to feed her waffles and sing “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles on repeat until it was time to go to daycare.
I’d rather be interrogated for murder myself than sing anything that many times.
But Rhett had always been better at the whole parenting thing than I was. In truth, he was a much better father than he was a husband. Being a dad came so naturally to him.
He and McKenzie had an easy bond that felt alien to me.
As much as I tried, I couldn’t connect with our child the way Rhett did.
In the early days I had suffered from postpartum depression, and caring for McKenzie felt overwhelming.
Rhett had swooped in and taken over, giving our daughter all the love and devotion that felt so difficult for me to provide.
But once I was myself again, I tried to pick up the pieces only to find I wasn’t needed.
My role had been usurped, and it was clear Rhett didn’t plan on giving it back.
Maybe I should have fought harder for it, but Rhett made it seem like he was doing me a favor.
After all, how many women had husbands who were so hands-on with parenting?
While my friends struggled with fussy babies and little sleep, I was fresh-faced and well-rested because Rhett took over everything.
“You sleep in. I’ll make Kenz breakfast.”
“Why don’t you get a manicure, Lucinda? McKenzie and I are going to the park.”
“I know you hate Disney movies. Why don’t you read a book in bed? I’ll put Kenz down.”
Before I knew it, I had become extraneous.
My phone lit up on the bedside table. I answered without looking to see who it was.
“Rhett?”
“No, Lucinda, it’s your father. Where’s your mother?” My dad’s voice sounded gravelly from what was most likely too little sleep.
“She’s with Kenz.” I braced myself. “Is Rhett with you?” I could only imagine how awkward that would be for both men.