Twenty-Two #2
‘One night, I woke up after a couple of hours’ sleep convinced that I’d dialled up the wrong infusion amount. That I’d got a decimal place wrong—and that matters when you have babies that weigh less than a packet of rice.’
She drew in another slow breath.
‘But they were so busy, they weren’t answering the phone.
I rang a few times, getting more and more anxious until I was in a full-blown panic attack.
So, I got in the car, barefoot, in my pyjamas, and drove to the hospital.
I don’t know how I got there without causing an accident given the blind panic I was in but, apparently, I did.
Raving by the time I got through the doors. Full-on hysterical. It was … intense.’
Lachlan didn’t know what to say. Or do. He wanted to pull her into his arms and say something to make things better, but he knew it wasn’t as simple as that. Rowena had obviously been through a deeply harrowing experience and tossing out platitudes wasn’t going to cut it.
Instead, he gave her a few moments before forging ahead. ‘What happened after that?’
She turned on her side again, her eyes holding his.
‘The nurse manager on that night took me to the emergency department. I resisted but thank god she insisted. Things escalated quite quickly after that. I spent a few weeks under the care of the mental health team as an inpatient, which was scary and bewildering, but with their support and medication, it really helped get the anxiety under control.’
The muscles in Lachlan’s neck relaxed a little, the tightness there easing. He hadn’t realised he’d been so tense listening to her story. ‘What happened after you left?’
‘I was still under the team but as an outpatient for the next few months. I took a complete break away from work. Did a lot of therapy sessions,’ she said with a self-deprecating laugh.
‘That’s good, though, right?’
‘Yeah, it’s been really good. I’ve talked to my therapist about all my stuff. The abortion, the miscarriages, the divorces. It’s been very beneficial.’
‘Did she recommend coming out here?’
‘No, that was Brooke, actually. But Helena agreed. She thought it would be a good stepping stone to ease my way back into nursing without the stress of an intense work environment.’
‘And that’s your plan? You’re not …’ Lachlan paused for a second, choosing his words carefully while simultaneously trying not to think about what her plan meant for him. ‘Worried about going back into the NICU?’
‘No. I’m good now. I know that.’ Rowena’s eyes suddenly glowed a fierce emerald as she stared at him intently. ‘And I have to go back. I … need to prove …’
Her voiced husked over and she sucked in a breath, shutting her eyes briefly as if reliving that night, before shaking her head as though she was trying to expel the memory. When her eyes opened they were brimming with emotion.
‘What happened was … humiliating. Every time I think about it I’m so embarrassed.’
‘Surely the people you work with understand you weren’t well?’
‘Of course they do.’ She nodded. ‘It’s not them.
It’s me … I need to prove I can do this again.
To me. I love being a NICU nurse. I’m a good NICU nurse.
Efficient. Competent. I’m calm in a crisis—of which there tends to be a lot—and when the worst happens, as it sometimes does in a NICU, I know I’m good in that kind of situation, too. ’
Lachlan had no doubt. Maybe he didn’t know her as well as her colleagues, but he’d known from their first meeting on the roadside, in the midst of a medical emergency, that she was all those things.
‘I have to go back.’
The appeal in her gaze and the plea in her voice begged him to understand. And Lachlan did understand. If he’d been through something similar he’d probably feel like he had a lot to prove too. It made perfect sense.
But it didn’t bode well for him.
‘Yeah,’ he said with a nod. ‘I get that.’
Except what he wanted to say was, What about me? And, What happens with the baby? He was aware that time was marching on and there were decisions to be made but, god help him, he wanted the answers now.
It wasn’t the time for that discussion, though. She’d bared her soul about a deeply personal experience—he couldn’t make it about him right now.
They would have to soon. But not tonight.
Rolling onto her back, she blew out a breath. ‘Bet that was more than you bargained for, huh?’
Lachlan laughed as he also rolled onto his back. ‘I’m glad you told me.’
Her head lolled to the side and their gazes met. ‘I’m glad I told you, too.’
Lachlan’s heart gave a funny little shudder in his chest and he smiled. She smiled back and he forgot about all the questions accumulating in his brain—it was time to lighten the mood.
‘So …’ He quirked an eyebrow. ‘What are we going to do about the orgasm situation?’
She laughed. ‘Right now? Nothing. I think that boat has sailed.’
Lachlan was pretty damn sure it wouldn’t take much for either of them to get the boat rocking again but, given the heaviness of what she’d just shared, he figured it would be kinda crass to suggest it. ‘The medication you’re on … it really does that?’
‘Yeah.’ She nodded. ‘It’s a known side effect.’
‘Man … that sucks.’
‘Right? I mean, an orgasm or two would certainly have made the situation easier to deal with.’ She grinned and he liked that she could see the funny side. ‘But, alas …’ She sighed. ‘They’ve been frustratingly absent.’
‘You can’t even …?’
Her head rolled from side to side as she shook it. ‘Nope. DIY is the closest I get to actually getting there, but because it’s become such a thing, I’m always too tense, which only makes it worse.’
Lachlan smiled at her evident frustration. ‘Doesn’t sound very conducive to a good outcome.’
‘Nope.’ She blew out a breath. ‘It wouldn’t matter so much usually. It’s not like I have this insane sex drive or anything. But I’ve been so damn turned on the past few weeks.’
‘Ah.’ Lachlan nodded sagely. ‘You’ve entered the horny phase of pregnancy. Perfectly natural.’
The look she shot him was comical. ‘You’ve been reading up?’
Lachlan shrugged. ‘I may have googled some stuff. And borrowed some books from the library.’
‘You did, huh?’
She seemed surprised, but Lachlan wanted her to know that he was as committed to this arrival as she was. ‘Of course. Don’t know much about pregnant humans but I do like to be prepared. I want to know what to expect and when.’
She laughed. ‘You know they have apps for that, right?’
‘Of course they do.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘What can I say? I’m old school.’
Contemplating him for a few moments, a smile still curving her gorgeous mouth, she nodded. ‘I’ve noticed.’
Keeping his smile firmly in place, Lachlan asked, ‘Is that a bad thing?’ Was he too old school, too country for her hip, modern, city-girl outlook?
Rowena shook her head. ‘No.’ Her gaze held his. ‘I like it.’ She paused for a beat or two before continuing. ‘I like it a lot. I like you a lot.’
Her admission was wildly thrilling. Perhaps way more than it should have been but, in that moment, Lachlan allowed himself a glimpse at a future with Rowena. He’d been trying not to go there but it popped into his brain anyway.
Them. Together. Them … alright.
He didn’t know how they’d get from here to there, he only knew it was possible. And that he wanted it.
‘Anyway,’ she said, rolling her head back to a central position and inspecting the roof again like she was afraid she’d said too much. ‘As a midwife I can tell you, anecdotally, the horny stage often doesn’t last long.’
Also staring at the roof, Lachlan murmured, ‘Then we should definitely take advantage.’
‘You think, huh?’
He grinned at the amusement in her voice. ‘I’m prepared to work very hard.’
She didn’t laugh as he’d hoped. There was a pause, followed by a long, slow exhale. It was an ominous noise. ‘I’m not sure we should …’
Lachlan glanced across at her profile. ‘Should?’
‘I’m worried about … I don’t think we should have sex.
I mean, like, penetration.’ She winced. ‘Ugh, sorry, that’s so clinical.
’ She met his gaze and he could see her doubt and hesitation.
Her concern. ‘I know I’m being paranoid but I just don’t want to do anything that could potentially, no matter how infinitesimally … ’
She drifted off, a note of anguish suspended between them. But she didn’t need to finish—Lachlan picked up what she was putting down. Rowena didn’t want him in there banging around.
Just in case.
Rolling on his side again, he inspected her profile. ‘Did you, by any chance, start thinking about that when we were in the middle of … making out?’
Because he could have sworn everything was on track for them before the wheels had fallen off.
‘No.’ She shook her head emphatically. ‘No,’ she repeated but with less conviction. She rolled on her side again. ‘Maybe? Deep down?’
Lachlan reached across and interlinked his fingers with hers. ‘I’m pretty sure you know this already, but I’m going to say it just in case. I don’t need penetration—’
He gave a quick eyebrow waggle and she laughed.
‘To be sexually satisfied. And I am more than happy to engage in whatever making out you’re comfortable with if you continue to be super horny and want to go there again. But I’m also fine with not going there as well. Okay?’
She nodded. ‘Okay,’ came her tremulous reply.
Without any thought, Lachlan leaned across and placed a gentle kiss against her mouth. He held it for the briefest of seconds before pulling away. It hadn’t been much more than a whisper really, yet his pulse raced as if it had just run the four-minute mile.
‘Thank you,’ she whispered.