Chapter 35
Ashley
I had a path, a destiny,
a vision for my demise,
Will I ever be able to shake what I’ve been told today?
I feel like I’m mourning. Grieving. Forever immortal?
I don’t want to die, especially not for their shitty cause, but I don’t want to live forever either.
Always caught between two stupid options.
Blaming my sadness on what happened to me in the cells is fast becoming a cop-out.
Of course, that escalated it, but I think I’ve been this way for a long time.
Not having a drink to fall back on is hard, but I can’t believe how reliant I’ve been on it.
How often I think of it. I keep saying I want to go home, but to what?
That messy little dump, that perfect reflection of my mind?
I can’t bring myself to bathe here, but when did I last do it anyway?
Hot, unwelcome tears prick at my eyes as I sit on the edge of the marble tub.
My fingers graze the golden taps, and I turn one absentmindedly, feeling the water’s warmth against my fingertips.
Lantern light casts reflections across the swirling blue ceiling like ripples on water.
And then, the tears come. Another broken promise to myself.
My chest heaves, and I slip from the edge of the bath to my knees, sobs rattling through the hollow luxury of the room.
Pain claws at every part of me, and the depth of forever presses down until I can’t breathe.
Water sloshes over the rim, soaking my knees, but I can’t move.
I just shake while Kaed douses me again and again, reality scattering like broken glass in my mind.
I stay there, crumpled until even the rush of water feels like it’s mocking me.
I have no control, I never have. Not over my life, my magic, not even my own tears.
Everything slips through me like water. How does someone begin to build something out of nothing?
How do you break thirty years’ worth of habits? Where do I start?