Chapter 49
Ashley
My patience was tried, my will was taxed,
a new way for me to stretch,
Panic squeezes my lungs as I gasp for air before a sweet scent calms my racing heart and a blurry Kaed is at my bedside.
My hands instinctively reach for him, gripping fistfuls of his clothes while his thumb traces slow, soothing circles along my cheek, fingers tangling in my curls.
“Shhh,” he whispers into my hair. “You’re safe. ”
I exhale shakily, my heartbeat slowing, syncing with his. My mind takes a second to register where I am. “You know, people keep telling me that, and yet I keep ending up here.”
He lets out a hearty chuckle. I just love it when he laughs. It transforms him completely. Perfectly white teeth brighten his face.
“What happened?” He explains everything, and whilst he does, my body stiffens at the haunting thought that I might’ve died.
Because over time, I’d let myself wonder what it might be like if the people here were free.
If we all were. I’d imagined Kaed in my tiny flat, cleaning up the mess he made the last time he was there.
Nyk sprawled across my new bed, saying something that makes Kaed laugh so hard he loses his balance.
Walking Eira and Cook to the pier so they can try those mini doughnuts I love, even Aiden can tag along, if he doesn’t speak.
And maybe I wouldn’t stop Lili, Leander, and Tobian from roughing up Raph a bit for leaving me that night.
But if they succeeded, or captured me again and locked me in those cells…
As if sensing my thoughts, Kaed cups both of my hands into one of his.
“I will never let them take you again. I will tear this land apart, and The Above to get you back.”
“The Above? But won’t you go insane and lose your mind, Captain?”
“Then I’ll go insane, Princess. I’ll lose my mind.
And I’ll still find you in my madness.” Our eyes meet.
It’s fire. It’s a dangerous storm of electricity and smoke.
And I can’t look too deeply because I don’t know what I’ll find in the torrent, so I look away.
From something I’m starting to understand, to crave.
And I can’t let myself want this, him. Because when has it ever mattered what I want?
“Lastly, Cook was arrested two nights ago,” he adds, his tone softening, but not much.
I’ve noticed Kaed’s growing hostility towards our friendship of late, so I’m not surprised he speaks through gritted teeth.
The Burden of the Bound (aka the book that assaulted me in my sleep) says Kaed’s supposed to get murder-y protective over me.
But nowhere does it say I should feel the same way about him. And yet… I think I do.
“What?” I jerk upright so fast my head spins. “He would never—”
Kaed’s expression darkens with concern and something else.
He quickly reaches for the glass of water on my bedside table.
“Easy,” he presses it into my hands. “The poisoned glass had to pass through the kitchens. Cook was too busy chastising a chef for using three spoons of salt instead of two and three-quarters when that batch of drinks went out.” I hold the glass up to the light before I take a sip.
The cool liquid soothes my throat. “Is he okay?
“It’s not amazing in there.”
I huff and smack his shoulder lightly.
“He’s fine, Princess. He’s a grown male. Eira took him something to eat when I snuck her to see Nyk, they’re a few cells apart. He said it needed more pepper.”
He smooths the crease between my brows with a gentle touch, a smile tugging at his lips.
“We’re not supposed to, but I can take you to see them both when you’re ready.
Though Theron may try to speak to you. I will knock him out if needs be.
” I take another sip of water before Kaed puts my glass back next to a snoozing copy of Brewery Basics.
“Tonight, please? And thank you,”
“No problem,” he says, waving a hand. “Wouldn’t want you missing your loverboy too much.”
I roll my eyes. “He’s not my loverboy. He just makes me laugh. And gives me food. And he’s handsome.”
He clutches his heart, face twisting like I just stabbed him in the chest.
“Everyone is handsome here, Kaed!”
He groans and drops his head into his hands. “But tell me I’m the handsomest,” he says from behind his fingers. There it is. That giggle he always pulls from me.
“I don’t know... I can’t see you,” I tease.
Kaed’s knees hit the floor and he props himself up on his elbows, yanking down the edge of my mattress to make his face level with mine. His hands cup his cheeks, bottom lip poked out like a sulking toddler.
“Right. Let me inspect,” I say, biting my lip to mask a smile.
I’m taking full advantage of this. My stomach flutters when his striking eyes lock into mine.
The same colour as the sweetest, stickiest toffee, framed by long, dark lashes.
I run my hands over his buzzed hair. It tickles my palm.
Slowly, I stroke the goosebumps trailing his neck, pausing my knuckle over his thundering pulse.
Then, his rough stubble brushes my fingertips as I turn his face from left to right.
“Lovely hair, soft. Could be longer though, this buzzcut’s getting tired.
Strong jaw, pretty lips.” My thumb pulls his bottom lip down slightly.
“Smile for me.” He gives the fakest, toothiest grin, sharp canines on full display.
I poke his dimples, laughing as I smooth out the faint lines across his forehead with my thumbs.
And the ones by his eyes. I trace the tattooed lines down his cheeks that he once told me were a punishment, like the ones on his body.
“Well?” He asks, raising his thick eyebrows. “What’s the verdict? Remember, what you say is law, Princess.”
I act like I’m deep in thought, though the answer is painfully obvious. “After much deliberation, I declare you the handsomest, Kaed. But also, the most jealous.”
He beams. “I’ll take it, both of those things.”
My smile fades a little, taken aback by his admission. I mean I knew it, but to hear it is different. “The bond?”
He looks away, his jaw tensing slightly. “Yes and no.” I nearly roll into him as he drops onto the edge of my mattress.
“You... draw me in, you always have, Ashley, from the moment I took you. The bond is duty. But I don’t feel only duty towards you. I feel duty towards the King. Towards your brother. But this,” he waves his hand between us, “is not that.”
“Oh.” I wince inwardly, wondering if he can hear my hammering heart. He chuckles, scratching his chin, answering my question. “Don’t worry, I’m not asking for you to say anything back, I just want to be honest, because I wasn’t before.”
“You mean when you kissed me and bound us together for all eternity and didn’t tell me?”
He looks at the floor with a guilty wince, “Yes.”
I shake my head and sigh. He draws me in too.
No one has ever drawn me in so deeply, so intensely.
No one else has taken over my heart, my thoughts.
I have never searched for someone in my nightmares and found them in my dreams. Before Kaed.
And as much as I can feel myself changing, growing, I’m still not really sure how to process what I’m feeling.
So, in true Ashley fashion, I switch subjects. “Has my uncle been here?”
“Almost every day. He blames himself, as usual.”
I frown. “Why?”
Kaed adjusts himself on the bed. “Because he saw it coming. He sent me to retrieve the beast we used for the Cursewater, just in case he couldn’t stop it.”
My stomach clenches. “Saw it coming how?”
“With his mind magic.”
I stare at him, realising that I never did ask my uncle what his mind magic was. I was too consumed with what my own might be. Too self-absorbed. “He can see when someone’s about to get hurt?”
“Not entirely,” Kaed corrects. “When he touches someone, he can see glimpses of their future.”
I mull over that for a second. “So, you have to physically touch someone to use it?”
“Yes, or something needs to connect you to the person. Objects with metal in them are the strongest conduits outside of direct contact. For all our magic.” I should have known that.
Eira and Nyk taught me about transferring my magic into weapons but wouldn’t let me try at the time, in case I accidentally made a black flame grenade.
“What about Aiden?” I can’t believe I hadn’t asked about that either, even though he’s been tolerable of late.
What if the slimy git has brainwashed me?
Kaed’s lips press into a thin line. “Like yours, his hasn’t appeared yet.
” I hum, lost in thought, my mind spinning.
Too many wires tangled too tight for me to pull apart as I realise just how wrapped up in myself I’ve been, fretting over finding alcohol or getting back at Aiden.
Kaed kissing me when he’s the one suffering.
I haven’t even thought about what he’s feeling at the expense of saving me.
What else have I missed? Nyk and Cook are sitting in a cell because of me.
Eira must be so worried. There are people out there trying to kill me, trap me, but also Kaed too.
Maybe even my uncle and Aiden. I haven’t stopped to wonder if Kaed looks over his shoulder like I do, if he flinches at the sound of a door opening.
Over time, I’ve gotten comfortable here, starting to love the art in the palace, the food, and the friends I’m making.
Trying to fit into their customs and rules.
The freedom I’ve never had before. I even got used to the bowing, the power in my heart, the strength in my body.
Peace, safety. But not everyone has the advantage of thousands of Volker, wards, a powerful uncle and brother, and a – whatever Kaed is.
Others are living just like I was. Stuck.
With nothing. I’ve seen the slum towns in the distance on the carriage rides with my uncle, the mourning families whose children have been lost to the Mer, the vendors sporting calloused, bleeding feet.
Like mine once were. How have I managed to get tangled up in this world while still feeling sorry for myself? Not even recognising my own privilege.
I sink back into the pillow with a long breath.
“Do you want freedom? In The Above.”
“I do,” he says after a beat of silence.
“Living under the Mer has never troubled me. I can fight them, their song. But most of our people cannot. They loose friends, family.” He pauses, jaw tightening slightly as if he’s been holding this back so it doesn’t impact me.
My choice. And although it’s ugly, I need to hear it.
“Ever since your return, we have seen more Sendings, more missing. Your presence has provoked them it seems. Then, food supplies are failing. Habitable land is shrinking. If our numbers continue to rise, extinction is inevitable. And the more the humans poison their seas, the more it bleeds into our skies, our water.” My heart drops just as his eyes fall to my lips, probably waiting for something selfish to come out of them.
But for once, I have nothing to say. I hadn’t thought about what would actually happen if I said no. How many more would die…I just said no.
“But I’m bound to the crown until death takes me. Or insanity. So, whatever the King—” he winks at me, “or Queen, needs from me, I will obey. You want to stay here, I’ll stay here.”
I arch a brow. “So, if I were Queen, you’d serve me like you serve my uncle?”
He smirks, voice deepening. “Does that sound like something you’d like?”
I roll my eyes so dramatically it triggers a stab of pain behind them. I wince, pressing my fingers to my temple. Kaed laughs and it rumbles through his chest like a damn earthquake. I should look away. I really should. But I physically can’t tear my eyes off him. He’s just—ugh.
“So, say the ritual doesn’t kill me.” I clear my throat, trying to sound casual. “After we’re married… bonded… whatever. Do you, like, live with me? Make little royal babies who swear and fight?”
I’m determined not to blush under the intensity of his stare, but an invasive thought of him whispering he’d break me in half runs through my mind. Just like that, I’m warm all over. Goddamn it.
“Firstly, our children will, uh, would not swear. But in everything else, it’s your call,” he says, voice satin smooth. “I know what I want, but if you just want to use me for the ritual or making those pretty green eyes roll back, I’ll do whatever you say.”
“Kaed!” I smack a hand over my face, grinning so wide it hurts.
He leans in, wickedly. “I can make you do that again too.”
I scoff. “You know, men who are actually good at sex don’t brag about it.”
“You forget, I’m not a man, Ashley.” His voice drops a whole octave just to prove his point. And apparently, I’m a very simple girl, because it works. “And it’s not bragging. It’s fact. I know my strengths.” He shrugs.
Danger curls in my stomach at the very obvious fact he’s not bluffing.
“And if I didn’t love you. But I still wanted you to serve me.
My Volker. The palace. My body, to carry on the royal line.
You’d obey?” He nods once, his eyebrows pinching together before he looks away, almost shy.
“Until my last breath. You get all of me, should you want it.” I see what he’s given up.
Options. Every future but me. And now my stomach’s fluttering like he’s set up camp in there with a jackhammer.
“Would you grow your hair if I asked?” His lips twitch like he’s deciding whether to humour me or be honest. And though I’m joking around, I’m interested to know where this power over him stops.
Sighing, he says. “I don’t like the feeling of it on my neck. And it’s harder to wash blood out.”
“Ew.”
“But yes. I would. Just for you and your odd obsession with my hair.”
We both laugh, but his words sink deep beneath my skin, and I think of the vendor I charmed for that bottle of alcohol.
I make a mental note to pay him back. To give back where I’ve taken.
To consider others, where I’ve only thought about myself.
Because this feeling is strange. Power. It doesn’t work properly when you’re selfish, and that’s what I’ve been.
I haven’t used it for the good of others, and I think that maybe this is what power really is.
Something you steward. Something meant to build, not break.
And anyone who isn’t terrified of what harm it can cause, shouldn’t be wielding it.