11. Jameson
ELEVEN
Graduation had come and gone.
The usual bullshit Luke and I agreed to stir up had waned our last year in school. There were less and less opportunistic ventures for us to create. No one seemed to give a shit about who won the football games. Our club especially seemed distracted by grief, or the impending sorrow that hung over our clubhouse like a soaked cloud.
Dad was sick, barely walking these days, and his acting VP, Tuck, had just been arrested for setting his girlfriend’s house on fire. It wasn’t club sanctioned, so he received no protections from us, which created division in the club. Several members arguing that he’s club, so anything he did extended to the protection of the club. Others agreeing with my pops that Tuck had gone too far and actually endangered the club by acting how he had.
Luke stopped speaking to me, not that he had a ton previously, but it added to our growing silence the last year of high school.
It was fine, I kept my head down and chose to keep my grades up, while also finishing my first two years of college. No one knew I’d done that outside of my parents, but no one needed to. I wanted a business degree, but now that I was officially done with high school, it left a gap in my life.
Time that seemed never ending, filled with painful reminders.
I glanced over at Miles’ house on my way back to the club, noticing Wanda’s car parked in front. She should have been at the graduation, same as Penny, but she’d opted for her GED and left school early at the start of the year.
I had no idea where she went.
Ryker was still here, and now dating someone else. Luke never talked about shit with me, so I had no idea if they were in touch.
I knew Wanda knew and might even tell me if I asked, but I was extremely reluctant to drag her into anything. Mostly because I didn’t want anything getting back to Penny that I had been asking about her.
She didn’t need to know that I couldn’t sleep at night because I was so worried about where she might be. Or that sometimes I felt sick when I thought about how our last interaction went. How I had lied and hurt her.
She was gone, and I deserved the way her absence felt.
Days turned into weeks.
Each new day I’d stare at Miles’ house, seeing Wanda’s car, wondering if I should just ask.
I’d scoured social media for her accounts, and found nothing.
All I had to do was walk over and ask…but each and every day, I’d get as far as their gate and then chicken out.
It was the third week of being a complete and total chicken shit when Wanda must have caught on to what I was doing because her screen door slapped open the second my feet neared the chain-linked fence bordering Miles’ front yard.
“Jameson King, what on earth are you doing?”
I froze, my hand about to grip the fence but dropping half way. My face burned.
“Sorry, nothing. Didn’t mean to bother you.”
She waved me off. “You’re doing no such thing, but I have noticed you hesitating around the property these last few weeks. Why don’t you come in and tell me what’s going on.”
I glanced up the drive, toward the clubhouse. Maybe I should just take off, leave it. Wherever Pen was, she was likely better off. I wanted her to leave, and she had.
I just didn’t want to be shut out, not knowing anything about where she’d gone.
My jaw tensed as I considered.
“You want an update on Pen?” Wanda asked quietly, her arms crossed over her chest.
Her words were like a rope tossed around my numb, bruised heart. I opened the gate and followed her inside.
Wanda bustled around her small kitchen; it was tidy and clean. The whole house was clean and well-cared-for. The table caught a few glaring strands of sunlight peeking through the tall tree in their backyard.
“How’s your dad feeling these days?” Wanda asked, setting a glass of ice tea in front of me.
“Thank you. He’s okay…tired and weak but in good spirits.”
Terror seemed to flicker in her gaze for just a singular second, but it was gone with a quick blink and a returning smile.
“Well, he’s strong. We’re still praying he pulls through completely.”
Gene and Wanda had suddenly become very religious, finding God in nearly everything and working him into every conversation. I was curious how it worked with Miles, or if it was just something he let her have, like a hobby.
“Penny hasn’t reached out to you then, I take it?” Wanda finally asked, carefully sitting in the chair across from me.
I sipped my tea, keeping my face blank.
Wanda smiled. “She’s mad at you. You hurt her feelings.”
That was almost a year ago. She’d given me the silent treatment for months. Dated Ryker for a few months, then she moved on to some jock from school. I watched, letting the laceration in my chest grow to agonizing lengths because I deserved it.
I had stolen her first kiss, and it was only because at the time, I refused to accept that another would claim it. She’d likely go on to kiss tons of other men, have sex, even one day become a mom if she wanted to…but that first kiss would always trace back to me.
I’d be branded on her forever, whether she wanted me or not.
“I know she’s mad…I just wanted to know if she’s okay.”
Wanda toyed with the edge of her cup and contemplated my question.
“You always watched out for her, Jamie, so I’ll tell you. She never once assumed you’d come asking about her, so it’s not like she warned me not to.”
Shit, that landed somewhere painful. Right on that bruised piece of my heart. She never assumed I’d ask about her…because I belittled the kiss and her, acting like it didn’t matter to me. When in reality it was the one thing I replayed in my head at night, it was still glowing in my sternum by morning and the only thing that seemed to keep me focused and going through all the shit happening with my dad.
“She’s doing good. She has a job as a receptionist at a photography studio. She’s really happy there and hopes to one day be taken on as an intern. As far as anything else, I’ll make you a deal…” Wanda smiled, and it reminded me of Pen’s smile, which made an ache crack open in my chest.
“Write to her, bring it to me. I’ll send it to her.”
My gaze snapped up from the glass of iced tea and narrowed on Pen’s mom.
“You’ll send it?”
She nodded with a slight smile. “Only because you always took care of her. I know you worry and it must be driving you crazy not knowing if she’s okay…” Her chin landed on her fist as she smirked. “But I wonder if it goes deeper than that. Tell me, Jamie. Do you care for my daughter?”
I stared off with Wanda, listening as the birds chirped in the backyard. It was June, so the windows were wide open, the warm breeze ruffling her blue frilled curtains.
I should lie. Just like I had with Pen…but that had blown up in my face, removing her from my life entirely, which I hadn’t wanted. Not really.
So, with cautious words, I asked, “Would this stay between us?”
Wanda’s smile grew. “It would. I’d never rob my daughter the joy of discovering someone loved her.”
My face heated as I shook my head. “I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to.” Wanda smirked again, and I lowered my face to hide the growing blush.
“You forget, Jameson, that I’m her mother and I’ve watched you both since you were thirteen years old. I was there that first day you met. While Penny assumed you didn’t like her, I knew the truth. You were always watching Pen, and I may be the only person on earth that noticed, but I did notice.”
So had my mother the few times she’d been around the club.
I toyed with the condensation on the table and lifted my shoulder.
“Doesn’t matter, she left.”
“It does matter, Jamie. Write to her…”
Doubt crept in, smothering all the hope Wanda had stirred, forcing me to shake my head. “Why bother?”
Her gaze lifted and moved to the window as she let out a sigh. “Because you weren’t the only one watching her, Jamie. That’s why. Write your letter.”
Dear Pen,
I’m not sure what to say…I guess I should start by asking how you’re doing. Your mom mentioned photography, which sounds exciting. I hope you’re enjoying it…
Your mom didn’t tell me where you’re living, and I know I don’t deserve to know, but I was hoping you’d take pity on me and tell me anyway. I just want to know that you’re okay.
I’m sorry for being an asshole, Pen.
I lied about the kiss…I know you know that already. The truth is…well, I’d rather tell you in person why I lied, but I understand if you don’t want that.
Just tell me you’re happy.
-Jameson
PS- Did you know that ravens can use tools, especially if they’re defending their territory? I realize that’s crazy random, but I thought it was a really cool fact.
I handed the letter to Wanda but used my own personal return address. Maybe I should have mentioned graduation and told her it didn’t feel the same without her. Or explain that the club was in a shitty place and could use some of her sunshine…but she’d left, and I didn’t want to manipulate her into coming back.
A week passed where Wanda smiled and acted like she’d heard nothing.
One time she’d even received a phone call while I was in the club kitchen and she’d glanced at me and excused herself. I followed close enough to hear she was talking to Pen.
By the second week, I began to accept that she’d not write me back. Sending letters was stupid, no one did it anymore…why hadn’t I just texted her instead? Wanda could have given me her number and trusted that I wouldn’t abuse it, but no. I had to write an archaic letter, hoping she’d read it and actually have the time to write one back.
That day, when I arrived home, my dad was doing particularly shitty and my mood sucked, so much so I considered going to the stupid fight ring Luke was a part of.
But then I got to my room, and there it was. A pristine, white envelope with my name on it. I ripped into it so fast, I thought I might ruin the actual letter inside.
Dear Jamie,
Hi. Wow, this is slightly awkward, but I got your letter. And it really shocked me that you actually wrote it…mom told me you’d stopped in and asked about me. I guess I’m not sure how to feel about that, but after arguing with myself about writing you back, I finally just decided, what the hell. What could it hurt?
So here you go, Jameson King. I miss you. Not sure how else to say that, but I do. I hope you can forgive me for graduating early, and then leaving. I took your advice…
For some reason, I was hoping you’d be proud of me, even though I still sort of hate you. I moved to a tiny town outside of DC. I like it, it’s busy and the city has certainly impacted all the outlier suburbs with how fast paced and hard people are, but I like it. I started going to a photography school. Okay, that’s not true. I’m working a full-time job as a receptionist while taking night classes at the local community college, but it’s still fun.
I’m enjoying life.
I’m free of the club, and I’m done pining after people who don’t want me. Feels good to be free.
How’s your dad and mom doing? Luke mentioned things were pretty rough. My mom doesn’t really tell me much, but I know everyone must be so worried. I’m sending you a virtual hug, and all the prayers. No one ever knew this, but I like to make wishes with wildflowers. I press them into my journal and let them dry there as a reminder of my wish. I’ve done so many for your dad. He’s a good man, and we need him here.
I enjoyed hearing from you, Jamie. Please write to me again…I’m even leaving a return address, so you don’t have to go through my mom.
- Pen.
PS- Did you know ravens can live anywhere? I sort of love that.
I reread the letter three times, trying to ignore the fact that she’d already been in contact with Luke. I hated that I’d upset her so much that we weren’t even friends anymore. The initial reaction in my chest was to just ignore her letter, and let the past dim into dust. But each day I didn’t write her back felt like a fire was scorching my lungs from the inside out.
So I wrote, and the fire would ease.
Only to return if too much time had passed.
But by the second week, another letter arrived and somehow, someway, we seemed to fall back into place.
Each and every letter was a glimpse into her life, and with each and every letter, she’d lightly mention the fact that I wasn’t the only person from home she was talking to…and I wasn’t sure what to do with that.