18. BACK THEN – December #2
Maximoff Hale (six-months-old )
Jane Cobalt (seven-months-old)
So yeah—a lot of fucking people are inside.
Willow planned to stop by here for Christmas, so I hope she’s made the drive already. No cars are in the driveway, but maybe she parked in the large garage.
I’m afraid I’ll have to interact with Rose and Connor.
Loren and Lily—I don’t mind as much. They’re still celebrities, untouchable in a sense, but they’ve been cool towards me. Daisy is nice to Willow, but I don’t really talk to her—and Ryke is whatever.
He says fuck a lot, and every time I meet his eyes, I remember all the videos I’ve spliced together with his fucks and uploaded to YouTube.
After scaring his girlfriend with paintballs, I wouldn’t be surprised if he secretly despised me too.
I take out a cigarette, thinking about lighting it, but I just pinch the cig between gloved fingers. I reach for the buzzer.
As soon as my finger lands on the button, the door swings open.
Shit.
Scorching yellow-green eyes pierce me, and I curse my luck. Rose Calloway, of everyone, has opened the door.
I stuff my fists in my black hoodie, and I watch her assess my Dalton Academy beanie. Why am I even wearing it? I’m not returning to that school. The fact sinks deeper and deeper and burns a hole in my stomach.
Rose doesn’t personally know me. She probably has no idea how old I really am or that I regret everything I did to her and her sisters. We’ve shared space, maybe once, during Halloween. I didn’t say anything to her directly, I don’t think.
“Uh…” I stammer and glance at the thin, gangly girl trying to squeeze through the doorway. Lily, my boss at Superheroes & Scones. Right now, she’s the only friendly face.
The tension unwinds in my shoulders when I spot her, but then Rose cracks the door and shifts her body into the space. Blocking Lily from escaping.
“Rose,” Lily whines.
“I got here first,” Rose says to her sister, but her glare remains fastened to me. Nerves rake my spine, and chills creep up my neck.
This might’ve been a terrible idea. I should’ve messaged Willow first.
I realize Rose is waiting for me to speak, so I clear my throat. “We haven’t met.” I outstretch my gloved hand. Polite , I congratulate myself. I’m doing alright.
“Yes, we have.” Every word is frosted, and her grip tightens on the door.
I drop my hand.
“You and your friends sprayed red punch on my infant daughter and me with a water gun.”
It was a joke. A fucked-up joke.
They’re celebrities. Characters on television. In magazines. They weren’t real to us. That changed for me, and I can’t tell you the moment it did.
They’re more than just famous. They’re human. I should’ve seen this from the start—I’m at fault here. I know that.
I didn’t break into their house because I knew there were babies and people inside, but that decision doesn’t free me from all the other shit ones I made.
I don’t know how to make amends for everything I’ve done. I’m not even sure I deserve forgiveness.
I’m not sure I want it.
But I have to say something. “It was stupid…I’m sorry…” I chew on my chapped lip. Did that sound sincere? Sickness churns inside of me. I am so fucking sorry.
Nothing I say will ever make it better.
So I think, just get to the point, Garrison. “Hey is Willow here?” I ask. “I know she’s a distant cousin, or whatever…”
Please be here.
“She’s coming around at two!” Lily tells me from inside.
“Lily,” Rose chides, opening the door slightly. Lily’s round face comes into view, and I notice how she tries to narrow her eyes at her older sister—but the glare looks goofier than menacing. Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen her chastise a single Superheroes & Scones employee.
“Willow and Garrison are co-workers,” Lily explains to Rose.
And then Loren Hale appears. Hand on the door, he pries it from Rose’s grip. The door slams into the wall. I can suddenly see everyone.
Daisy is sitting on her boyfriend’s shoulders near the staircase, and she bends her head beneath the mistletoe, kissing him upside-down. They’re in their own world. Thankfully not really noticing me.
Loren places a protective hand on his wife’s waist, and she scoots near him. While he focuses on Lily, I wonder, do you hate me like everyone else now?
I wait for Loren to acknowledge my presence. Not afraid. Not afraid. I’m not afraid. His dark glare drives through me, and fear curdles my stomach. I can’t even lie to myself. Can’t even pretend like I don’t care what he thinks of me.
I do care.
Loren’s glower carries ten times the potency of Rose’s—and her pierced eyes already make me want to run off this stupid porch.
Voice sharp like daggers, he says, “A co-worker doesn’t show up on Christmas morning looking for another co-worker.”
Dropping my gaze, I scrape the icy stoop with my boot. “Does this mat say welcome under here? I can’t read it with all the snow.”
“He’s funny,” Rose says in a way that makes it seem like I’m decidedly not funny. She looks one second away from seeking revenge for the punch I sprayed on her and her daughter.
“You’re scary, no offense.” I cough into my glove and check over my shoulder, hoping Willow will show up early. I can still wait for her here. I look back. “You’re going to make me invite myself in, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
My eyes flit to each of them. Rose looks fucking murderous. Loren glares like I’m the shit on his shoe he scraped off yesterday but then reappeared today.
Lily is literally the only one that smiles, but it’s a weak, pitying smile. I don’t deserve anything more than that.
Each one intimidates me in their own right, but I’m trying to form words. For Willow. I’m trying.
Open-mouthed, my breath smokes the cold air.
“I just…I wanted to tell her that…” I’m leaving.
I let out a weak laugh, my eyes burning.
Whatever. It’s all fucking over anyway, right?
What’s done is done. It’s Christmas. I don’t need to shit on their holidays too.
“Never mind, it’s fucking stupid…” I turn to leave.
Rose snatches my hoodie, and she physically tugs me backwards.
“What the fuck?” My heart lurches, and I spin around and quickly jerk from her hold, my pulse skipping. I frown deeply, not understanding Rose Calloway at all.
She should want me to leave. Not force me to stay.
“Are you asking her to prom?” Rose questions. “Because this is the most pathetic proposal I’ve ever seen. You need flowers, first of all.”
“I’m not asking her to prom.” My voice shakes. I can’t help it. Prom. I won’t even be at Dalton for prom. The cold realization ices me over more than the winter air. Just let it out. I lick my lips and say, “I came to tell her that I’m leaving, and I guess to tell you too.” I nod to Lily.
No more Superheroes & Scones. Shit. I glance at Loren, but he still glares, so I avert my gaze to the ground.
“What do you mean?” Lily asks.
Rose stares off in the distance, over my shoulder. Not paying attention to me anymore. She must see something because she grabs a coat from inside and slips on a pair of boots in the doorway.
I focus on Lily. “My parents handed me my only Christmas present this morning: a white envelope.” Bitterness dries out my voice. “I… they are withdrawing me from Dalton and sending me to this boarding school for ‘proper guidance’ to finish my senior year.”
Rose passes me on the stoop. Honestly, I’m glad she’s set her sight on someone other than me.
“Where is it?” Lily wonders.
“Upstate New York,” I say. “Faust Boarding School for Young Boys.”
Loren lets out a long laugh. Maybe he’s happy I’ll be out of his cousin’s life, but maybe not. I don’t know. His humor is too dry to read.
“Lo.” Lily elbows his waist. “Don’t be mean.”
My brows furrow, not understanding either of them. “What?”
“Connor went to Faust,” Loren explains, “and from the stories he’s shared, you won’t last a day.” He flashes a half-smile.
“Great,” I mutter and stare harder at the doormat. Coming here was a terrible idea. I just feel ten thousand times worse. I turn to leave, but his voice stops me.
“Hey,” Loren calls out. “You want to see my si—cousin Willow, right?” He stumbles over his words, but I zone in on the Willow part. Hope floods me for a second. Will he really let me stay?
“Yeah.” I nod over and over. “I just need to tell her about Faust. It won’t take long.”
Loren drapes his arms over his wife’s shoulders, pulling her back against his chest.
I swear she kind of unconsciously grinds her ass against him, but I try not to pay attention. If Lily noticed that I noticed, I think she’d be embarrassed.
Loren appraises me head to toe. “Connor says that I’m too forgiving—that you’ll probably bite my hand off if I extend it again.”
I won’t. I open my mouth to say the words, but a lump lodges in my throat. I feel sick.
Loren grimaces at me and then shakes his head. “Christ, I must be a masochist.” He nods to me. “You want to wait for Willow, then you have to do it outside. You’re not allowed in the house, got it?”
“Got it.”
“He’ll freeze,” Lily combats.
“Then he freezes, Lil. It’s his choice.”
Lily pouts like he’s being a dick.
Loren steals a kiss, and her cheeks flush bright red.
“You’re deflecting,” Lily notes.
“Me?” Loren feigns surprise. “Not me, love. I would never. ”
I clear my throat, and Loren’s face contorts in a multitude of emotions. Landing on irritation. Lily starts advocating for me again—for maybe two or three full minutes—but it only makes Lo more and more pissed at me.
“I’ll be fine,” I suddenly say. Pulling my beanie further down, I warm my ears. “It’s why God created fleece-lined pants, right?”
“Let’s not give God credit for clothes,” Connor says as he saunters up the porch steps. He barely glances at me—like I’m not worthy of that attention. His face is utterly unreadable, but when he leans towards Loren, he says loudly, “He’s not coming in the house.”
Connor wanted me to hear that.
Loren nods. “He’ll be by the pool.”
At this, Connor disappears further into the house. He looks back as Rose picks up her confident gait and reaches his side. Hand-in-hand, they’re gone.
Lily detaches from her husband and races after them screeching, “What happened?!” Whatever that’s about, I’ll probably never know.
I’m lucky I’ve even been standing here this long.
Now it’s just me and Loren Hale.
Do you hate me? I want to ask, but I’m afraid. I can admit that this time.
Another dry smile dimples his cheeks, but then he nods towards the outside. “I’ll show you to the pool around back.”
“I can find it myself.”
“Just follow me.” He shuts the door and then passes me on the stairs. His sharp glare could kill.
I trail after him. So much rams into my brain. I can hardly make sense of anything, and some of which, it’s not my place to share. Like the guys at the mall, the ones that fucked with Willow because they personally hate Loren Hale.
I have no idea what’ll happen when I leave Willow alone at Dalton.
It makes me nauseous thinking about it.
I just realize I’m in the backyard, and Lo opens the pool gate.
I step inside. “I know you don’t like me,” I tell him, “but will you make sure that she’s okay when I’m gone?”
Lo freezes mid-step to the snow-covered lounge chairs. “I already do now.” His expression says, combat me. Tell me I’m wrong if I really am.
I nod a few times. “Okay.”
“If you know something—”
“Forget it, dude. I’m being an idiot.” I blink rapidly and stare up at the blue sky. “You hate me, right?”
I think I’m whiplashing him with my emotions, my swift detours, and he’s having trouble following my frantic mental pacing. “What?”
“You hate me,” I say, more forceful.
He laughs once. “Most of the goddamn universe is on my shit list.” With that, he walks off to the backdoor. Leaving me conflicted and confused again.
I’m standing knee-deep in the unknown.