Blake
I have to restrain myself. I have to.
Since we left Mariam at the boarding school I have savored every hidden corner of your lips. In the doorway, in the elevator, against the wall... Having you so close is a labyrinth I can't escape from. You drag me through hundreds of paths with the same destination. You.
-You're going to kill me...
My words comment on a plea that does not convince even me.
Reason denies every caress of my mouth. I desire you with pain. With obligation. Cravings for you surpass any feeling I had before I met you. Previous kisses stolen from others are rickety essays in the face of what your mouth offers me.
-We can try without killing you," you say, reaching for the button of my jeans. My breath catches. I'm so hard I could crack walnuts.
-Sofia...
I stop your fingers in the air with little conviction. I want to rip off your clothes and let you rip off mine. I'd like to melt into you until the wetness of your body calms the rage that consumes me. Show you the hundreds of reasons why I'm dying for you. Taste all your unknown corners showing you my most hidden ones.
-Do you want me?
You ask looking at my hands inches from the cruel zipper.
-You can't imagine how much.
-Let's go to my room.
-Not like this.
I let go of the embrace and leave the kitchen. The countertop awakens a million creative ideas in me. You hold me by the waist. I stop in the middle of the room. The touch of your breasts on my back breaks my will. I swallow and breathe. Imagination contours the rest of your body behind me. Hands encircle my lower waist. Never has a decision cost me so much. I gently push you away.
-A movie?
I just said the stupidest thing of the century.
-I don't feel like it," you say, turning the contour of my body and stepping in front of me. You stretch your legs out on tiptoe to reach me. Your almond-shaped eyes are shining with desire. Your lips are swollen from kissing me so much.
You stretch your arms around my neck. I have never felt such a great need to surrender my body accompanied by my abandoned soul. I want to enter you with the same imperious need to be part of you. I faint to press into you and discover how you tremble in that final minute. But I also want your after. The sweet, the tender, the lonely, the accomplice, the friend, the angry, all of them.
-We can't.
-Yes, we can.
-No.
Unconsummated desire has just brought out of me a too deep refusal. I caress your cheeks with regret.
-I want you, you want me. That's all we need.
Your words are the ice cube tray I needed to cool me down.
That's all we need...
I have not come this far for a fuck and a see you later. I will be that man who will make you feel that loneliness is a state and abandonment is a past. You're not ready to give me everything I ask for. I've always used sex as a release, with you I want more.
-It may be enough for others, but not for me.
-Are you going to tell me you're a virgin?
As always you manage to bring a smile to my face. Before you I don't remember if the silly grimaces had any meaning. This is why I need you so much more than your desire. I want you as much in love with me as I already am with you. If Mariam could see me she would scoff for years. She always claimed that girl existed. And here I am, eating my words in love with the one girl who is sure to leave me.
-I'm going to bed.
You are frustrated. I don't want you to feel that way. But I can't confess either. I know too well those fears that dominate you, you would leave me at the first setback that came our way. I have to anchor myself in your heart like a rock in a mountain.
-You're not going anywhere. I hold you by the shoulders tightly. Damn it, this is too far from what I was looking for.
-If you are playing with me, I ask you to stop. It's not fair to me.
-You are the best person I know. You are wonderful and you deserve the world. I would never play with you.
-But you don't want me.
-Stop saying that or...
-Or what!
-All right, do you want to go to bed? We'll do it. It'll be the way you want it.
I hold your hand tightly to pull you into the room. My heart leaks out of my mouth. My head is clouded with unstable feelings. Desire for you burns my throat. My nerves and pants are on the verge of bursting. What's right and what's wrong mix in a bucket of boiling oil.
-No!" You say, digging your heels into the ground.
I look at you and confused fury turns to tenderness. You are so naive that you think you can stop me. If I let myself go I would hold you by the waist, carry you on my shoulder and throw you on the bed supplanting your moans with groans. but damn it! I don't want one of your quick moments, I need every second of your infinite eternity.
-So couch and movie?
-You're the weirdest guy I've ever met.
-And the last one. I let go of your wrist and raise my hands in peace. Please...
You're walking around upset. You're as frustrated as I am. Maybe a little more. You sit in a corner.
-Better here. I pull you by the waist over my legs. If the distance of a cushion becomes unbearable for me I don't want to imagine what it would be like to lose you. I can't risk instability.
-I prefer to be in my place.
-This is your place. I'm holding you.
-I am not a redhead.
You give me another smile. Of course you're not a redhead. You are my sweet Love.
-Her name is Dana.
I provoke you with malice. You try to get up. You're red with jealousy. I love this anger. Is it so crazy to pretend that you die of love for me the way I do for you?
-Let me go," you stir in my arms.
I hold you with weak strength. If you really wanted to you would be free. You don't. My crotch cries for us to end this nonsense and lay you down right here.
-This is your place.
I've got your attention. At least my stiff body has. You no longer try to leave. I turn you around so you can sit spread-eagled with me inside you. I want you to feel how much I want you. The clothes separate us, though not enough to keep me from recognizing the warmth that envelops you.
-And now?
You stretch your lips. You are a sweetness that does not know whether to approach, touch or look. Your head is full of doubts. I am to blame for all of them.
-Can you feel me?
You wiggle your ass on my hardness. I moan for you. And you know it. You laugh naughtily. I love to see the security in your eyes. You say they're brown like most mortals. What nonsense. Your pupils are the steaming coffee in a winter cabin. The iris is the sunset in the freshly tilled field.
You move carelessly. My body is a bomb about to explode.
-You're not going to make it easy for me, are you?
-What do you want from me?
-All of it. I want it all. That's the problem.
-I still don't understand.
-It's not difficult. I like you enough to want more than just nights of sex. I want the end to be the beginning and not the beginning to be the end.
-Do you like me? me?
-Stop struggling and listen. I didn't mean to sound so serious. Sexual tension unbalances my patience. I breathe as best I can. From the moment I saw you I knew you were the girl I was looking for. Do you feel my desire for you? -You nod as I raise my legs to brush you with my erection. At this moment I would send the explanations to the horn and I would sink into you until I was exhausted in your kisses. But I like you so much that I want you in my life. In all the days that make it up.
-Then let's start with the first one. You hold me by the neck and my will crumbles.
-Every time you ask me you break my plans. I want to take you to bed more than anything else in the world. I imagine a thousand times what your voice will be like when I'm inside you.
-I also want to listen to you when I have you inside.
-But I have accepted that you are the only voice that matters to me. I can't be wrong.
-Would sleeping together be wrong?
I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said anything.
-Not to conquer you would be wrong," I clarify as best I can.
-You're weird.
-Very much so. And Mariam claims to be the biggest jerk of all. But I don't mind being one to you.
Your face tightens. I just scared you. Just what I didn't want. My head starts to hurt more than the tension in my body.
-I like you. You're a good guy and you've given me an amazing job opportunity.
I release you from your restraint. You have just mortally wounded me.
-No, that's not it. Or yes, it is, but that's not why I'm here with you. A lot of people have helped me and I haven't slept with everyone. I mean I haven't wanted to sleep with them. I liked them, but not enough to make it aying....
-How nice.
-, I love you. You're handsome, smart and kind, and you turn me on so much. I like talking to you and I'd have sex with you, but I'm not sure I.... I mean I don't like... I mean I can't give myself back and...
-Rubén - to mention him breaks my head.
-Yes, but not because of what you think. It's not that I don't believe in relationships. I love romantic movies and I know they can be real. I'm not a disbeliever in feelings. Mine is something like prevention. Since I'm alone," you say, looking at the portrait of your grandmother on the bookshelf, "I have to take care of myself. I am responsible for my actions and my consequences, do you understand?
-Perfectly. A few months ago if a girl had said something similar to what I just told you I would have kicked her out. It's funny how the wheel turns.
-I don't want you to leave. I want to get to know you. I promise. But I can't commit to anything else.
-And I want you to know me. Maybe we're not so far away from each other.
-You say it like I'm the only girl. You're a little scary.
Your smile is fake, fears are not. Good for me. I just horrified you again.
-Honey, we are not at the same time and I understand that. Let's not think about it anymore. Let's let time -which I don't have- guide us .
-Why are you afraid of sex?
-I'm not afraid of sex.
What I fear is that you will use it to avoid giving me your feelings. This last I keep quiet. I've said too many stupid things tonight.
-It could be a good thing.
-Well? It will be spectacular. Don't be scared, it's just that I want to be the only name here," I point my finger at your temple.
-And if we don't make it. And if I...
-Don't say it," I move my finger to silence your lips.
You move your head to the side.
-Maybe I need to win you over too. Maybe the real Sofia is much worse than you think and...
I silence you again. This time with a sure kiss. In me there are no doubts.
-I agree," you whisper with amusement?
-Do you accept?
-I accept all your flattery to win me over. And I accept that you have a crush on me. I accept that you invite me to dinner, buy me croissants and give me foot massages.
Your smile lights me up. I love your smile. I won't lose you. I'm the man you've been waiting for.
-Salamerías? -I imagine I'll have to ask them to cancel that huge bouquet of a hundred red roses I ordered this morning, but wait, they're paid for, I think I'd better have them sent to a certain red-haired lawyer's address.
I burst out laughing as you grab the cushion and smash it mercilessly against my face.
-If you keep naming it, you won't win me over one bit.
-I will have to change my strategy.
I hold you by the legs and lay you on your back on the couch. The redness of jealousy bursts out of your ears. You have me in your hands.
-I die for you.
We won't have sex until I get you to fall in love with me, but I don't intend to deprive myself of all possible "zalamerías".
-And until when do you say I have to keep my legs closed? -You're kidding. I'm not.
-Until your heart goes with them.
I duck my head to slowly move down your cleavage. Round breasts peek out from the side. You're so pretty... man?
We both sigh in frustration. The doorbell keeps ringing. A nibble on my lips and I head for the door.
-We have an investor! An investor!
Her friend comes in like an uncontrolled flow. She keeps jumping up and down and hugging my girl as if her life was at stake.
It's not that I'm an idiot and jealous of her friend, but a little bit I am. Her insecurity forces me to walk in an unlit desert. This waiting is going to drive me crazy. You need time that we don't have. I'd like to tell you, but if I do I lose you, if I hide it I might as well.