Chapter 23
twenty-three
ROWAN
It’s been three days since Ellie asked me that question at the bonfire. In those three days, I worked, cleaned my already clean house, went on too many runs, took Milo to the beach, and even lounged on my couch while I played my records.
Of course I wasn’t going to tell her what I really thought. If I did, I would look pathetic. I would have gotten down on my knees and begged her to stay. Come back home, where she could open her own business that I know she would succeed in, and have her friends around who will always have her back.
Be with me.
But could I do that? No. The last thing I need is to drive her away and freak her out with my feelings. Especially since she just left a five-year relationship. Who knows where her head is at right now? Not on me.
I’ll admit that there have been some questionable moments from the days we’ve spent together. I’ve noticed when she’s touching me intimately, how she danced with me, and when she held my hand the night she slept in my bed. I rub my temples on both sides when I hear a knock at my office door.
“Yeah,” I shout, still rubbing my temples as I hang my head with my eyes closed.
“Can I come in?”
Without looking up, I hear Addie’s voice and can tell that she’s worried about me. If I open my eyes to look at her, it will just confirm what I already know. I take a deep breath and pull my gaze up to her. I gesture to the couch against the wall in front of my desk. I don’t say anything due to being mentally exhausted.
I’m draining myself over something that I’m causing, but also too stubborn to fix it. Because I let fear take me over. I let the anxious voice in my head tell me that it’s better to be alone. If you’re alone, you won’t be disappointed or hurt all over again.
“We need to talk.” Addie sits down on the couch, but her expression has gone from soft to stoic. I’ve never seen this expression on her face before.
I lean back in my chair and swivel it back and forth, needing some movement since I can’t sit still. I wave my hand out to her, telling her to say what she needs to say.
She folds her arms and crosses one leg over the other. “You gotta get a grip.”
I stop moving.
“Excuse me?” I stammer.
“Do you need me to say it again?”
“You sound like mom. It’s freaking me out.”
“Good! I want you to be freaked out, dumbass.”
She unfolds her arms, uncrosses her leg, and places her elbows on her knees. All right. She’s serious. “What are you doing?” She throws her hands out in a question.
“I’m sitting at my desk.”
“No shit, dummy, but I’m not talking physically. I’m talking up here.” She taps her finger on the side of her head.
I rest my elbow on the chair's armrest and hold my head up with my hand.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I absolutely know what she’s talking about, but I’m not giving her the satisfaction.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Ro. You’re screwing things up with Ellie, again.”
“What are you talking about?”
She puts her finger on her chin and tilts her chin up. “Hmm, maybe like when she asked for your opinion on my idea, and you just told her to do whatever she thought was right? What the hell are you doing ?” she exclaims.
I hold my hands out to the side. “What else should I have told her?”
“I don’t know, Rowan. Maybe the truth? She knows everyone will tell her to stay and screw the life she built in the city, and that’s all fine and dandy. But our opinions don’t matter most to her. Yours does,” Addie adds some emphasis to that last part.
“My opinion matters too much to her, which is why I told her to do what she thinks is right. I’m not going to tell her what to do because it’s what I want. That’s selfish.”
“She wants you to, you idiot!” Addie jumps up from the couch and shouts, splaying her hands out at me.
I jerk my head back and lift my hands. “Whoa, you need to chill out. What the hell has gotten into you?”
“You! You and your stupid self-sabotaging personality. Rowan, Dad left us years ago, and you still let him control your life. When are you going to wake up and realize that the man never gave a shit about us? You think I’m going to let him decide my life choices? That I’m going to let that man make me feel like I’m not worthy of love?”
“Addie, you’ve been in, like, two relationships.”
“Two more than you’ve ever had.”
My mouth gapes open, and my brows knit together. “I’ve been in plenty of relationships.”
Addie narrows her eyes and cocks her head. “You’ve dated. You’ve never been in an actual relationship. You would find someone you like to be with them for what? Two weeks and then tell them ‘ It’s not working .’” She mimics my voice. “I don’t think that counts.”
“I’m picky,” I mutter.
“You’re picky because you compare every woman to the one you really want. You’re picky because you find any sort of problem with a girl to give you a reason to break things off. You look for signs of them leaving because you didn’t see the signs with Dad. Now, you’re not taking the chance, and you’re getting in your own way of happiness. I know you want to be with Ellie again. I want that for you, Ro. You’re an incredible person, and we were raised by two badass women who taught us our value and worth. I understand that you looked up to Dad, and I never did, but he doesn’t deserve you pouring your energy into him. Questioning your worth. I know you, and I know every day you fight with yourself in your head. You’re a chicken shit.”
I was obsessed with my dad. When he would come home, I never wanted him to leave. I followed him around everywhere. I wanted to do everything he was doing. Then one day, everything changed. He left. And my mom, she was depressed, and Aunt Rosey made us move in with her.
“I don’t do that,” I argue.
“You think you don’t, but you do, even if it’s subconscious. You carry that trauma around like a badge of honor.”
“Stop.” My voice is becoming stern. A tone I’ve never used with Addie.
“You’re letting that man ruin your life.”
“Stop it,” I repeat, my voice growing louder. I start to feel my emotions rise higher and higher as she continues, and I don’t know how to handle this side of my sister.
“Mom didn’t even let that man ruin her life,” Addie says. “And she was married to him.”
“That’s enough!” I shout, rising from my chair.
I pull myself back and look at my sister. She didn’t flinch, didn’t move a muscle. She keeps her eyes laser-focus on me with determination. She may be smaller than me, but she’s mighty.
I let out a deep breath and run both my hands through my hair, leaving them on my neck as I pulled down on it. I close my eyes and tilt my head up.
“What do you want me to do, Addie? I can’t tell her to stay,” I say in defeat.
“Yes, actually you can.” Her voice is calmer, sweeter. “You’re a lot stronger than you think you are emotionally and mentally, Ro. You have so many people in your life who love you, and you’ve never once tried to push them away. So, what makes Ellie so different?”
I let go of my neck and fall back into my chair. “She left once, Addie. What makes you think she won’t leave again? How would I know that I’m worth it for her to stay?”
Addie walks around my desk and sits on the edge of it. She folds her arms and looks at me with sadness in her eyes. “That was different, and you know it. She didn’t leave you because she was done with you. She left because she had an amazing opportunity that she knew would change her life. You guys decided it was for the best to split up. But I think it was the worst thing you two have ever done.”
I rub my eyes with my fingers and then drop my hands to my lap. “So, what do I do?”
“You really want to know what I think?” Addie asks me in an ominous tone.
“What else do I have to lose when I’ve already lost my dignity.”
Addie rolls her eyes, but then a devilish grin appears on her face. I drop my facial expression because Addie only makes that face when she has some sort of diabolical plan. She may as well steeple her fingers and tap them against each other. Really adds to the evilness.
“Take out your phone,” she orders. “Right now.”
“Shit. Do I even want to know anymore?”