Chapter 25
This Isn't Love
Cedar
The thought of ignoring the rising sun as I flew over The Black Sea, the tips of my wings cutting through the endless darkness below me, had simmered in the back of my mind countless times since the moment I awoke alone in that cell.
Try not to say hello to the sun for me. Oren’s words from all those nights prior echoed through my head.
A hundred and seventy-nine years I’d been a vampire, and through all the pain and heartache, I’d never contemplated meeting the sunlight until that little block of damp stone in the Court of Ice.
Waking every single day to watch as the entirety of my room filled with sun, only to find myself alone soaked in my own thoughts and memories? Keres may not know it, but the torture for me started long before he entered my cell with hundreds of questions and a pawn full of fire magic.
All that consumed my mind as I shifted with the wind was meeting the sunlight myself while also being met with the desire to hold off until I could be true to my word and free Oren from the hellscape that tormented me so.
However, as the sun started to lighten the sky, I pushed off the thoughts of my own demise.
Following the small internal tug back to the manor of Darkmoor, I ducked into the carrier bird’s opening just as Raiden’s magic covered the castle and the sun lit up everything along its outer walls in the midst of Darkmoor’s gray clouds.
I shifted back halfway down the hall from my room, only to push the door open and find the space still empty.
Knowing she was close by, I shrugged off the discomfort and forced myself into the bathing chambers.
One cold shower later, and then I was back in the room to find her staring out the darkened window, her hand a breath away from Raiden’s shadow magic—hovering.
She was still dressed as she had been earlier, her dark tights and boots still on.
Her braid still perfectly windblown from her run back to Darkmoor.
I found myself just watching her from the doorway, unable to move or interrupt whatever deep thoughts she was in the midst of, but as if she felt my presence, she turned around, her eyes locking with my own.
“You came back.” It wasn’t a question or even a statement. She wasn’t quiet or guarded, just observing me from across the room, the surprise clear in her voice.
“Seems it’s hard to keep an eye on you if I’m not in the same vicinity, but I wanted to give it a try,” I replied. “I failed. You still ended up out in harm's way tonight.”
She nodded, and for a moment I felt she would try to correct me, but she didn’t.
“Of course. Are you done in there?” she asked and pointed behind me towards the washroom. I forced my feet to move out of the arched entrance, instead sitting on the edge of the bed as I listened to her footsteps disappear into the room and the water start pouring from the faucet.
Trying to resist the urge to watch her walk away.
Resisting the urge to watch her in any capacity would surely be the death of me.
Running my hands over my face, I stared at the doorway she’d disappeared behind, telling myself to lay down, ignore the urge to follow her in there and watch as she attempted to clean the scent of me from her ivory skin.
I failed—again.
Rising from my seated position, I walked back towards the bathroom, dropping the clothing I’d just donned on the floor as I went.
I couldn’t stop myself, and part of me wondered if I even wanted to try.
I was tired of trying to bury feelings, thoughts, memories, all of it.
I was tired of trying to be the old version of myself that had been beaten, starved, and burned from my mind.
The Cedar I’d been as a human was gone.
The Cedar I’d been as a vampire for almost two hundred years was taken from me.
I’d been carved and reshaped as something new. Something harder. Darker. My edges sharper.
Stepping into the shower with her, the dark marble stone surrounded us with swirling steam and heated water. Her dark eyes peered up at me as she ran her hands back over her hair, pushing the long midnight tendrils back from her face.
“Tell me I can trust you. Tell me that everyone’s depiction of you and why you’re here isn’t wrong.” I swallowed roughly as her eyes bounced back and forth between my own, as if she were trying to get a read on me and where my head was at, why I was asking such things.
Good luck to her, I was so far out of my own depth, I didn’t know what to tell her. I just knew I needed to know. I needed to hear the words from her lips. That small bit of confirmation to trust myself.
“Don’t make me out to be someone I’m not, Cedar, even if it’s only in your head,” she whispered. “Trust your gut, always.”
My hand was around her throat, her legs around my waist, her back against the shower wall as the hot water beat down upon us, before any more could leave her mouth. I’d asked for her—the real her, and she’d started to show me.
Finally.
My lips smashed against hers as if our lives depended on it. As if this was what she’d been waiting for the same way I had. I reluctantly pulled away and stared down at her, her chest heaving in unison with my own.
“This isn’t love,” I found myself telling her.
“I don’t believe in such things,” she replied.
Nodding as if it would cement this mutual understanding in stone. I leaned back down, our lips barely brushing as I moved, kissing along her neck until I stopped at her pulse point.
“Don’t go soft on me now, shifter,” she whispered as her thighs tightened around me and her nails dug into my shoulder.
A growl reverberated through my chest, my cock aching to be buried inside of her again. There was no slowness, no love-crammed sonnets I could read to her. This was all I had left. Raw, consuming, anger that I needed to delve out before someone around me ended up burned by the fire of it all.
However, the ice princess in my arms never shied away from the heat.
The tips of my fangs ran over the column of her throat and she let out a breathy whimper, soft pleas slipping from her lips egging me further.
“I can’t go slow right now, Princess,” I whispered as my hand slid down underneath her, cupping her ass.
Cora stared down at me, eyes wide, her plush lips parted as her chest rose and fell.
“I never expected anything less.”
In a single movement, I was buried inside of her. No forewarning to ensure she was ready. No slow movements to let her stretch around me.
Nothing. Buried to the hilt, her thighs tight around my hips, her head thrown back against the wall, eyes closed and lips parted. She was a dream—a fiery intoxicating dream.
“Eyes on me, Princess,” I growled through clenched teeth as I thrust against her harder, pushing her hips back against the wall, my fingers finding their way to clutch her hips, nails digging into her skin.
Her eyes fluttered open, the endless blue staring down at me. I groaned, knowing damn well I could’ve finished then and there, that look undoing things inside of me I didn’t wish to tear apart right now and examine.
“Fuck me.” The words came out more as a whispered groan than a fully formed sentence. “Touch yourself, Cora. I need to feel you come on my cock.”
She smirked, a small lift of her lips before her teeth sank into her bottom lip and her fingers glided down her navel. Slowly. Steady. As she watched me through hooded eyes.
“Cora,” I growled as I watched her hand leisurely find its way between her thighs. Her back arched slightly as she leaned against the wall. I’d moved just enough to give her the space, and it felt as if she were trying to drive me insane.
“Like this, Cedar?” she questioned, her breathy voice catching as her fingers ran over her clit. “Is this what you wanted to watch?”
My teeth ground together as my pace stuttered, slowing. My eyes were enraptured by her slow but sure movements. It wasn’t long before her fingers sped up and I found a growl reverberating throughout my chest.
“Slow down, Cora.”
Her eyes flicked up to mine, her brows pulled together. “But, you said—”
“Slower. Cora.”
The water from the shower beat down against my back as I thrust once more, bottoming out, and staying where I was. Both my hands sliding under her, along her ass, to support her weight.
She clenched around me, soft whimpers slipping from her lips as she circled her clit once more.
“Cedar, please—” she began once more, but I shook my head.
“You want to be a brat, Cora? You’re going to come on my cock and I’m not moving until then. You’ll come with my eyes on you. So show me, Princess, how do you please yourself when you’re in bed thinking about me?”
She stared at me, the steam surrounding us, her skin slick from the heat as her breathing hitched, her fingers still moving in that slow circle I’d requested.
“That’s my good girl,” I whispered. “What do you think about? Do you hold your breath?” One hand inched up her side, chest, collarbones, until it settled around her throat.
“Do you hold it and imagine it’s from my hand tightening around your throat?
Cutting off your air for my own personal pleasure? ”
Her eyes shuttered closed and she nodded quickly. “Yes, yes, Cedar,” she whimpered.
My hand began slowly tightening around her throat as she arched against me, trying to find some sort of friction against my cock. Unlucky for her, that wasn’t part of the deal, and I didn’t move a muscle.
“Come for me, Princess. Show me how much you want my cock,” I said through gritted teeth.
I knew she was close. Tightening around my cock, her breath coming out in choppy bits as her fingers began pressing down on her clit, the circles slow and rough.
But it was the fluttering feeling of her walls rippling around me that had me losing composure.
She was a dream, an uninhibited slice of heaven that I couldn’t find within myself to feel as if I deserved.
But that didn’t stop me from wanting to lay my dirty hands upon her. Corrupt her further. Push her to the end of her rope and watch her fall.
There was something wrong with me.
However, she hit that peak and as her eyes opened, staring at me wide, with wonder filled within them, I decided I didn’t care about what was right and what was wrong. I only cared that I could bring her down to whatever hellish level I belonged on.
Grabbing her wrists, I pinned her hands above her head and resumed thrusting against her with renewed fervor. Determined to contaminate every inch of her body, mind, and soul.
Cora was mine—wretchedness and all.
And when we found that peak together, her fangs buried in the crook of my neck, I knew I’d never feel this way for anyone again.
My eyes peered around as I tried to take everything in at once. I knew without a doubt I was in another dream. A feeling of longing came through that didn’t belong to me.
“Do you ever wonder…” I began, but I shook my head. “Never mind. Where are we?” Not wanting to ruin the moment when she wasn’t filled with dread and anxiety, I let the thought pass. It was just the blood magic—nothing more.
The corners of her lips tilted up slightly before she finally answered. “Home.”
We were standing in the middle of a busy town, the sky above filled with stars and sparse clouds. Thin brick sidewalks were scraped clean, the snow pushed off to either side as they led up to different buildings and homes.
Cora started walking towards a large wooden structure in the middle of town. The doors were open and candlelight lit up in the interior from the small glass windows. I followed her, a lack of words finding me as we walked into the establishment and the smell of sugar hit my nose.
“Are we in a bakery?” I asked as I took in the long counter that housed different cakes and cookies. Soft giggles played from the back room, and I followed as Cora walked towards the sounds.
“Cora! Share or I’m telling Mother,” a tall silver-haired girl whined. I watched as a small brunette stuck out her bottom lip, pouting while she handed her sister a palm-sized cookie that was covered in sugar-filled icing.
“Auntie Zima, more please!” the small child begged a taller woman who bore a striking resemblance to Silvana.
“Is that…” I began, but stopped when I glanced over to see tears gathering in Cora’s eyes.
“Simpler times. This was just before it all happened. Before Father sold her as if she were nothing. Years before this was all taken away,” she whispered.
My eyes returned to the smaller version of Cora as she giddily snatched another cookie from an older man—this one was clearly human.
His eyes shined as bright as his white hair, his belly shaking with restrained laughter as he handed Cora the cookie and another for Silvana, the older woman shaking her head with a smile.
“Remember, girls, when your parents ask who gave you so much sugar, you play the perfect naive little angels, right?” she questioned, a wide-eyed look of feigned shock plastered on face.
Cora giggled and Silvana smirked.
“Of course, Aunt Zima. We’ll be the definition of empty-headed princesses,” Silvana answered with a giggle as she shoved a cookie into her mouth.
I watched as they played with their aunt and the baker, taking turns putting icing on cookies and taking guesses on how long it would take for their mother to notice they’d had sugar.
“We didn’t need to eat, of course, blood was the only thing we needed, even as children. But Aunt Zima thought it was important to find small things to enjoy in life. She didn’t want us to forget what it felt like to find pleasure in everyday normalcy, something Mother had long forgotten.”
“What happened to her? Your aunt.”
Cora shrugged. “I’m not sure. Keres showed up when I was around ten.
It had been almost four full winters since Silv was taken, and things hadn’t ever felt the same without her there.
Mother had separated me from most of the town by then.
I spent all of my time with her, practicing my craft, honing my magic, learning to behave as the perfect companion.
She said in the coming days, ice magic wouldn’t be what saved me.
Only my innate ability to feel would set me apart from the rest.”
Her hand ran over her cheek as a small tear escaped her eye.
“Aunt Zima was one of the people she kept me from. Father too. Fun was a luxury that left with Silv, and when Keres showed up that night… he burnt the whole town down. Killed the baker and the seamstress down the road… I’m not sure if anyone escaped or if anyone stayed.
He told me not to speak on it, not even to Silv, so I didn’t.
And now, of course, Silv doesn’t even recall any of this. ”
Cora turned away from the happy scene and walked back towards the entrance. “It’s probably just a pile of rubble and forgotten memories now.”