20. Damage
Damage
Silas
The storm outside is nothing compared to the one twisting inside me.
Rain hammers the windows, each drop a reminder of Helena’s words slicing through me.
I pace my room like a caged animal, restless energy coiling tighter with every step.
Her calm, firm voice echoes in my skull, a ghost I can’t exorcise.
She’s in her room now, just next door, just a wall and a mountain of mistakes separating us.
But she might as well be in another world.
My gaze lands on the empty armchair in the corner, a void as stark as the one in my chest. It used to be sacred—Caroline’s space.
She’d curl up there, lost in one of her books, her hair falling like a curtain across her face.
That chair hasn’t been touched since the day we lost her, but tonight, the thought of Helena there slips into my mind without invitation.
I shake it off; the guilt punching through me like a fist to the gut.
Would imagining her there desecrate the memory of someone I loved so fiercely?
I collapse onto the edge of the bed, running a hand through my damp hair, feeling the storm’s humidity clinging to my skin.
No matter how far I walk or run from Helena, she’s still there.
Her eyes, her voice, her body. Her presence cuts through my defenses with every glance, carving a space in me I don’t know how to protect .
The faint hiss of water stops; her shower finished.
Footsteps shuffle, muffled through the wall, and I swear my pulse quickens, like some primal part of me thinks she’s close.
I’ve been riding this current for too long now.
First the storm, then the cattle, and then her lips.
Moonlight streams through my window now, but it does nothing to settle me.
Enough of this. I can’t sit here drowning in these thoughts anymore. I grab my keys from the bedside table and head downstairs. I need air, space, anything to clear my head.
But halfway through the kitchen, Eli’s voice cuts through the quiet. “Where are you off to, Silas?”
I stop in my tracks, his tone unhurried, like he’s been waiting. He’s slouched in one of the armchairs in the living room, the light from the lamp beside him illuminating his face. His eyes catch mine, dark and knowing, like he’s reading all the things I’m working hard to keep buried.
I grip my keys tighter. “I need to work off some energy.”
“Storm got you that riled up, huh? Or is it Helena?” His voice is smooth.
“It’s the storm.” My reply is clipped. “And I’ll thank you to stay out of my business.”
He raises an eyebrow, tilting his head like he’s considering something. “She’s your employee, Silas. You don’t want to let this get messy.”
“I’m well aware. It was a misunderstanding,” I snap, turning to leave.
Eli leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “It’s okay to feel something, you know. Just do right by her.”
I whirl around, my jaw tight, my knuckles white against the keys in my hand. “There’s nothing to feel, Eli. She’s just...someone working here. That’s all.”
He lets out a low chuckle, more pitying than amused. “If it’s that hard to say it, maybe you’re trying to convince yourself more than me.”
My chest tightens, anger flickering against something raw. I move toward the door, desperate to escape this conversation before it peels back too many layers.
“She’s more than you think she is, Silas,” Eli calls from the living room as I grip the doorknob. His words hang heavily in the air, forcing me to pause.
What the hell does he think he knows? Everyone seems to have their advice, their damn opinions about me tonight. I grab a dry hat, push the door open, and walk to the stables.
When I reach the building, I pull back the door and walk straight to Shadow.
His ears flick toward me as I place my hand on his neck.
Shadow always has a way of calming me. We have a connection like I’ve never experienced with any other beast. As I run my hand up and down his smooth coat, my pulse calms, my breaths even out.
“What am I going to do, Shadow?”
He huffs out a breath, like he doesn’t have an answer for me. I sit on the bale of hay in his stall and pull my Stetson down over my eyes. Maybe here I can find enough peace to get some sleep.
“Silas?”
I open my eyes, struggling to focus in the darkness of Shadow’s stall. It’s the voice. The one I’ve heard whispering my name. I throw my hat to the side and stand.
“Silas.”
It’s a command now, calling me to her. Approaching the stable doors, I scan the yard for some sort of life or movement.
That’s when I see her.
Helena sits atop Merriweather, her nightgown ghostly white against the black of the treeline. Her chestnut hair dances wildly in the wind, yet she’s disturbingly still, her amber eyes burning through the shadows, locking onto mine.
“Ride with me, Silas,” she calls, her voice lilting, almost playful. Her lips curve into a smile, but there’s something haunting about it, something too perfect. Without waiting for an answer, she turns Merriweather toward the pastures, the horse’s hooves silent on the earth.
My pulse surges. I turn for the stables, hastefully grab Shadow’s reins, slipping them over his head, and swing onto his bare back.
With a sharp nudge to his flank, we plunge into the night; the wind slicing past my ears.
My eyes strain against the dark as we break into the trees, branches clawing at my arms like desperate hands.
I make it to the clearing and there she waits, just beyond the shadows, her face serene, her smile knowing. “Follow me?”
She asks, as if she doesn’t already know the answer. I simply nod and she smiles, her face calm and so fucking familiar.
She urges Merriweather forward, and we race through the night together, the smell of damp earth clinging to the air.
We ride through the west pastures until I see the silver shimmer of the stream beneath the moonlight.
She dismounts, and her bare feet meet the earth, her nightgown shifting with each movement as she walks to the water’s edge.
“You said you’d never leave this place,” she murmurs. Pausing, she brushes her hand against a low-hanging branch of the lone ash tree along the bank. “I understand your reasons. But would you leave for Caroline?”
The name crashes through me like a physical blow. My breath catches, and I freeze, my hands gripping Shadow’s mane for balance. A piercing howl from a distant wolf cuts through the silence. I whip my head around, trying to find grounding, but when I look back, Helena is gone.
In her place stands Caroline.
The water rushes around her knees, her silhouette illuminated by the rushing current. She’s wearing Helena’s gown, her hair braided the way Helena wears it.
“Caroline?” My voice cracks, disbelief clawing up my throat.
“Yes, Silas. Come to me.” She stretches her hand out, trembling like a leaf caught in the wind.
My body moves without thought. I slide from Shadow’s back, my boots sinking into the mud as I stumble toward her. Kicking them off, I wade into the cool stream, each step fighting the pull of the water.
“Please, bronco,” she whispers, her face tight with the same desperation I feel.
I reach for her, our hands meeting. Her skin is warm, soft, and the moment her fingers curl around mine, the world stills. The howl of the wolf vanishes. The water calms, no longer rushing past my legs. It’s only us now, suspended in this moment.
“Are you real?” My voice shakes as my thumb brushes over her knuckles.
“As real as you are,” she says, tears gleaming in her eyes.
I pull her into my arms, burying my face in her hair as she wraps herself around me. My heart threatens to splinter with the relief of it; the ache of years without her soothed in an instant.
“I’ve needed you for so long,” I choke out, cupping her face in my hands.
Her lips quiver into a smile as she leans into me. “I love you, Silas.”
“I love you more,” I whisper, pressing my forehead to hers.
“Silas?”
The voice shifts, like an off-key note in a melody. My body stiffens, my arms falling away as I pull back to look at her.
It’s no longer Caroline’s voice. It’s Helena’s.
I stagger back, water sloshing around me as her amber eyes meet mine, Caroline’s features shifting like smoke, reshaping into Helena’s once again.
“No,” I rasp, my mind reeling, my heart tearing itself apart. “Where’s Caroline? Where the fuck is Caroline?”
She takes a step toward me, her hands reaching. “It’s me, Silas. It’s Caroline. Don’t you see?”
I shake my head, stumbling as the rushing water comes alive again, the icy current pulling at my legs. Her form flickers, shifting between Helena and Caroline, until I can’t tell what’s real anymore.
“Who the hell are you?” The words tumble from me in a broken roar, a torrent threatening to swallow me whole .
She doesn’t answer, only quietly pleads, “Please, bronco.”
A sharp rock catches my foot, and I fall, the current surging over me as I struggle for air, for balance, for anything solid. Her voice rises above it, calling my name over and over, as the world spins into darkness.
“Silas. Silas, it’s me.”
My body jolts awake. I shoot to my feet, a cold sweat clinging to my skin as I struggle to breathe.
My heart races like I’m still caught in the current, still in the dream.
Weak-kneed, I collapse against Shadow, his firm frame catching me before I fall.
He lets out a soft huff, his dark eyes flicking toward me in quiet reproach.
“Shit,” I mutter, gripping his neck like a lifeline, fingers tangling in his coarse mane. My chest heaves as I rest my forehead against him, the smell of hay and horse grounding me in the present. “She was right fucking there.” The words tear out of me, raw and jagged.