47. Gone
Gone
Silas
The morning sun crests over the horizon, pulling me from a restless, useless sleep. The steady sound of the stream blends with the slow, rhythmic breaths from Shadow, a quiet reminder that the world still moves forward.
I sit up, the cool grass damp with dew beneath my palms, and take in my surroundings. Everything is as it should be. The sun rises, the water flows, the birds sing, the ground is solid beneath me.
Yet, I am not the same.
Even with a new day, everything remains unchanged. Except me. Because the realization of knowing what I am has shifted my understanding of my place in this world.
Life carries on, indifferent to the storm inside me. A wave of smallness washes over me, a harsh feeling of insignificance against the vastness of it all. If the world continues on, did my existence even matter? I press my eyes shut, tilting my face toward the sun as its warmth touches my skin.
And then I think of Caroline’s journal.
I look at him sometimes and wonder if he knows how much I love him.
If he knows how beautiful he is. How I could stare at him for hours, memorizing every feature, every strand of hair, every inch of his skin.
He’s my rock, my provider, my lover, my friend.
And sometimes, I feel in my bones that I am not worthy of him.
I’ve been a mess since Kiran was born. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, the constant demand of motherhood. But I’m tired. I can’t find the balance between being a mother, a wife, and myself. I feel like I’m failing everyone.
Silas tells me I’m doing just fine. That he’s proud of me, that he loves me. I just wish I could believe those words.
I thank God for you, Silas. You are my comfort, my joy, my everything. My world turns because of your love and understanding.
Her words settle in my chest like a stone. I open my eyes, staring at the sky, wondering if she ever truly knew I felt the same.
She was the sun. She was the moon. She was my refuge. And thinking back, I know I didn’t tell her that enough.
I force out a breath, frustrated with myself. I rise from the ground and guide Shadow to the water. I splash my face, ready to head back home.
“Pa!”
Kiran's voice rings through the yard as he sprints toward me. I swing down from the saddle just in time to catch him, pulling him into a tight embrace.
“You’re crushing me!” He laughs, squirming against my hold.
I loosen my grip but keep him close. “Just love you, son.”
“Love you too.” He grins. “Eli made me breakfast. I forgot how bad of a cook he is.”
I chuckle, ruffling his hair. “Sorry I wasn’t here this morning. Had to check some fences.”
“That’s okay.” He shrugs, then glances past me, curiosity flickering in his eyes. “Did Ms. Helena go with you?”
My stomach tightens. “ No. Why?”
“She isn’t here. Didn’t answer her door. Didn’t have her coffee.”
Lowering him to the ground, I nod toward the bunkhouse. “Go find Marcel. I need to talk to Eli.”
“Yes, sir!” He takes off, kicking up dust and scattering stones in his wake.
I lead Shadow into the stables, working on autopilot as I uncinch the saddle and refill his feed and water. The barn is quiet, the men already out in the pastures. The silence gnaws at me. Once everything is settled, I head for the house, my boots heavy against the wooden steps.
The kitchen is empty. No aroma of coffee in the air, no dishes drying from breakfast. No trace of her.
I find Eli in the office, hunched over the desk, pen moving across the ledger.
“Where is she?”
He doesn’t look up, just pauses, pen hovering over the paper. “You said she was to be gone by dawn. Well, you got your wish.”
His words unexpectedly hit like a kick to the gut. “She left?”
Eli resumes writing. “Didn’t need to be here when you got back.”
“She didn’t even say goodbye to Kiran? He asked after her.”
The pen scratches across the page, he doesn’t so much as flinch. “You told me to keep him in his room.”
“Damn it, Eli!”
The pen clatters to the desk as he stands, pushing his chair back with force. “We all did as instructed. You got your way. Now everything can go back to how it was before. Nothing lost, nothing gained.”
My jaw tightens. “You know damn well nothing will ever be the same.”
Eli snaps his fingers. “Oh, that’s right. You’re a knowing member of the undead now. Bases covered.” He rounds the desk, eyes burning. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s work to do. Life goes on, after all. ”
Something inside me snaps. My hand finds the nearest glass, hurling it against the wall. The shatter echoes through the room, severing the last fraying thread of my composure.
“Eli, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.
” My voice shakes. “We should be living. We should have been making more babies, celebrating birthdays, building a damn life. But now—” My hands knot in my hair as the frustration boils over.
“Now, all that’s left is this ranch, these cattle, and this fucking house. ”
Eli steps in front of me, fingers curling into fists.
“You listen to me, you fucking idiot. You have things far more important than those. You have your son, and you have that woman. A woman who fights for you. A woman who loves you so much that she stood there and watched you fall for someone else, yet she stayed. Because that’s what they told her to do.
And you”—he jabs a finger at my chest—“ran off your whole damn world.”
His words punch through my ribs, sharp and unrelenting.
“Men spend their whole lives searching for what you and Caroline had. And now, she’s giving you the chance to have it for eternity.” He shakes his head in disgust. “And here you are, throwing it away because you’re too much of a coward to accept it.”
I turn away, jaw clenched, lifting my chin to keep the tears from spilling. “I’m not the man she fell in love with. I didn’t deserve her then, and I sure as hell don’t deserve her now.”
Eli scoffs. “That’s a cop-out. Stop drowning in your damn self-pity. Stop wallowing in the past. Grow a pair and rise to the challenge.” He takes a step closer, voice like steel. “Be the goddamn man she deserves,” he challenges through his teeth.
And then, the door slams behind him.
I drop into the chair, head in my hands, the pressure of it all bearing down until I can hardly breathe.