Chapter 29
Summer shielded her eyes against the sun as Benjamin steered her car into the nearly full parking lot at Beautiful Savior. Nerves crunched her stomach, and she had to fight the temptation to ask Benjamin to turn the car around and take her home.
She hadn’t been able to face coming to church since TJ’s funeral, and she had her doubts about coming today. But Benjamin had seemed to take it for granted that they would all go this morning. And he was a pastor’s son. What would it look like if his wife didn’t show up?
“Look, there’s Aunt Ava and Uncle Joseph,” Max yelled enthusiastically. “They’re waving to us.”
Summer forced herself to wave back. All of Benjamin’s siblings had insisted the other night that Max be allowed to call them aunt and uncle, and the boy had been tickled to think that he’d gone from having one aunt to having a dozen aunts and uncles. Summer loved the thought of so much love being lavished on her nephew, but she’d have to be careful not to let him get too close to Benjamin’s family. She didn’t want it to be any harder on the boy than necessary when this was all over.
Why does it ever have to be over?the insidious little voice that had been getting louder over the past few days asked.
But Summer shoved it away. It knew as well as she did why this couldn’t last.
“Ready?” Benjamin reached over and squeezed her hand, and Summer tried desperately to ignore the zaps it sent through her. They’d been married for five days now, and in that time, Summer was pretty sure they’d touched less than at any time in the previous few weeks, when his hugs had been generous, and he’d held her hands through the hardest days of her life.
But it was as if their wedding had put up a wall between them.
It wasn’t the wedding that put up the wall. It was you, the accusing little whisper hissed. Summer didn’t even try to deny it. Of course she had put up a wall. It was the only way to keep herself from wanting this to be more than it was.
But she did miss the way Benjamin had held her and comforted her as a friend, and it hurt to think that was all over now.
“Ready.” She pulled her hand out of his, her need for space making her response more definitive than she felt. She got out of the car and waited for Benjamin to unbuckle Max.
Her eyes traveled to the tall steeple at the top of the church. She still remembered the first time she had attended a service here. It must have been nine or ten years ago now. Benjamin had invited TJ, and TJ had insisted that she come too. Summer had never admitted to her brother that the only reason she’d agreed was to see Benjamin. When they’d gotten here, he came over to say hi, and even though she knew he didn’t see her as anything more than TJ’s little sister, the way he had smiled at her—Summer was pretty sure she had fallen a little in love with him right that moment.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Benjamin came up next to her, craning his head skyward.
She nodded mutely, and they joined the other families walking toward the church. They’d only gone a few steps when she felt something brush against her hand. It took her a moment to realize it was Benjamin’s fingers threading through hers.
She sneaked a look at him, but he was talking to Max, who held his hand on the other side.
Summer should pull her hand away, but there were so many people around. What would they think if Summer was unwilling to hold her new husband’s hand?
Fortunately, when they reached the church, Benjamin had to let go to open the door. She took the opportunity to cross her arms in front of her, which not only kept him from taking her hand again but also made her feel like she was wearing a protective shield against the crowded lobby.
Benjamin stepped next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist, and she realized her fatal mistake in keeping him from holding her hand. Her heart raced ahead of her feet as he steered her toward the cluster of his family.
“Aw, look at y’all. You are just the sweetest couple.” Ava clasped her hands to her heart as if the sight of them made her rapturously happy.
“Yeah. We know.” Benjamin grinned and squeezed her closer, but it took all of Summer’s willpower to force out a painful smile as Ava’s comment brought back mocking words spoken five years ago, just before Benjamin was supposed to leave for culinary school.
“Don’t you and Benjamin just make the sweetest couple,” Christine West had said, clasping her hands to her heart.
“I— Um— Thank you,” had been Summer’s stammered reply. Christine was part of the popular crowd and had never spoken to her before.
“And to think, I’m the one he wanted to go to prom with,” Christine had added. “He was so disappointed when he found out that I was already going with Darren. So I told him to ask you. It was supposed to be a joke. I never dreamed he’d actually date you after that. But I suppose he felt like he had to, after everyone saw you kiss him.” She’d sighed with an evil little laugh. “I know I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who didn’t actually want me, but I’m glad you’re happy with it.”
Summer had always regretted not replying to her. But what was she supposed to say? Christine was right about the fact that she had impulsively kissed Benjamin in front of everyone—the only bold thing she’d ever done in her life, at least until she’d married him.
“Summer?”
She pushed the memory away and tried to focus on what Lydia was saying.
“Sorry, what was that?”
“I was just asking if you want me to bring any boxes this afternoon. We have a bunch, if you’re not completely packed yet.”
Summer shook her head. She’d barely started, but Benjamin’s siblings had all offered to come over and help after church. “Boxes would be great. Thanks.”
She slipped out of Benjamin’s hold, his arm around her waist too much of a reminder that she was in the exact same position now as she had been when she and Benjamin were dating. He hadn’t chosen her then—and he hadn’t chosen her now.
She and Lydia talked for another minute, Summer working valiantly to keep her attention on the conversation, and then the Calvanos started to file into the church.
Benjamin appeared at her side again. “Are you okay?” he leaned over to whisper as they made their way down the aisle Summer had always dreamed she would walk down one day in a beautiful dress, holding a beautiful bouquet—and with a groom who actually wanted to marry her.
“I’m fine.” She followed Ava into the pew, grateful when Max settled himself between her and Benjamin, creating a safety zone.
As the service began, Summer tried to follow along, tried to keep her mind on the readings and hymns and prayers, but a thousand other thoughts kept pushing their way to the front.
When Pastor Calvano moved to the pulpit, Summer blinked in surprise. Was it really time for the sermon already? She worked to refocus her attention as the pastor—her father-in-law, she realized with a start—began to speak.
“All right, y’all, I have a confession to make.” Pastor Calvano leaned forward and rubbed his hands together, as if nervous. “Sometimes, when my wife and I were just sitting together and not really saying anything, she would ask me that question wives are so great at asking: ‘What are you thinking about?’”
He paused, making a deer-in-the-headlights face, and swiveled his head as if panicked. “Uh . . . You, of course, honey.” He batted his eyes. “What else would a loving husband be thinking about?”
A laugh shook the church—and especially the pews filled with Pastor Calvano’s children. Summer could pick out the sound of Benjamin’s above the rest, and she couldn’t help looking at him out of the corner of her eye. His mama had died not long after they’d broken up. But she should have been there for him, the way he was there for her now. He caught her looking and smiled, and she snatched her gaze away.
“Now, when we were newlyweds, my wife seemed to accept that answer,” Pastor Calvano continued. “I got away with it for a couple of years even. But I can still remember the first time she called me out. Our oldest had just been born, and we had put him to bed and were sitting on the couch, completely exhausted. And she asked the question. My mind had been wandering. I can’t even remember what I was thinking about anymore—probably about how much I missed sleep—but I gave my default answer. ‘I was thinking about how wonderful you are.’ And she looked at me and said, ‘Abe, I love you. But you’re a terrible liar. There’s no way your mind can possibly be on me every time I ask.’”
In front of Summer, Liam wrapped his arm around Lydia and whispered something in her ear that made her look to him with a smile.
A stab of longing went through Summer, but she quashed it. She couldn’t go wanting that kind of relationship with Benjamin.
“Now that I’ve admitted I was a less than perfect husband,” Pastor Calvano said, “you’d probably like me to get to the point.” He grinned. “And it’s this: My mind may not have always been on my wife. But God’s mind is always on you and me.” He picked up a Bible and paged through it for a moment, then read, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.”
Summer shifted in her seat and looked around. Was she missing something? Whoever wrote that didn’t really sound as if they thought they were always on God’s mind. They sounded more like Summer felt—like God had completely forgotten them.
Pastor Calvano looked up. “All right, y’all. Go on and admit it. You’re thinking I need to put my glasses on and find the right verse. Surely that wasn’t the one I meant to read.”
He smiled. “I said what I meant, and I meant what I said. God always has us on his mind. . . . But we don’t always feel like he does. The words of this Psalm are best known from when Jesus cried them on the cross. But let’s back up a thousand years to when they were written by King David. Now, here was a guy who should have known that God’s mind was always on him. After all, God had taken him, a mere shepherd boy, sought him out, and made him king. He had given him the ability to defeat Goliath, to win great battles, to expand the kingdom of Israel to nearly its greatest extent. He’d given David wealth and fame and riches. But even David went through some tough times. And when I say tough times, I mean really tough times. He was hunted by King Saul, his son died as a result of David’s sin, another son led a rebellion against him and was killed by David’s own men.”
Pastor Calvano shook his head. “Again and again in the Psalms, David cried out to the Lord. Sometimes in confidence. But often in despair. In Psalm 13, he cries, ‘How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?’ In Psalm 10, ‘Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?’ And maybe the most desperate cry of all, right here, ‘Why have you forsaken me?’ David felt forsaken. Alone. Forgotten by God. And he’s not the only one.” Pastor Calvano lifted his head, and Summer felt like he could see right through her. Like he could see that she felt the same way as David.
“We face tough times too. Sometimes really tough times,” Pastor Calvano continued. “Job loss. Relationship troubles. Bills to pay. People to take care of. Loved ones dying.”
A burning started at the back of Summer’s throat, and she clenched her fists in her lap. She felt a stir next to her and glanced over to see Benjamin shift Max to his lap and then slide closer to her. His hand landed on hers and squeezed tight. She sniffed to keep the tears back.
“And when we see these things, when we go through them, it’s hard not to feel forsaken by God. Hard not to feel like he’s completely forgotten us. Hard not to wonder how long we are going to have to cry out before he answers us—if he ever will.”
Pastor Calvano paused, his eyes roaming over the congregation. “But he has already answered,” he said quietly. “Right here, in his Word.” He held up his Bible. “Where he tells us about One who really was forsaken: Jesus. When our Savior cried out, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ he didn’t only feel forsaken. He was forsaken. By God, his Father. That’s the price of sin—of our sin. And Jesus took that sin on himself, he suffered the excruciating agony of being forsaken by God, so that we would never have to. So that we would never be forsaken, not even for a moment. So that we would know that God always has us on his mind—and the things he has in mind for us are always for our good. So that we could rejoice, like King David, even through our suffering, even through our trials, even through those times when we feel forsaken, that we are not, for God sees us and knows us and watches over us. ‘Never will I leave you,’ he promises. ‘Never will I forsake you.’”
Summer exhaled shakily. She had heard that verse before, of course. But sometimes she wondered if it was really true.
“But what about us?” Pastor Calvano asked. “God always has us on his mind, but do we always have him on ours? Or are we more like me with my wife—claiming to always be thinking about her, but really having my mind somewhere else?” He flipped through the Bible still in his hands. “God tells us, ‘Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.’ And yet—” Pastor Calvano set the Bible down. “How often do we set our minds on everything but things above?”
Summer thought guiltily of all the distractions that had pulled her thoughts from the service.
“We’re so often caught up in the here and now, on our temporary situation instead of our eternal promise,” Pastor Calvano continued. “But the good news is that when Jesus died on the cross, when he was forsaken by God, he took even this sin on himself. He forgives us for it. And he urges us again and again back to his Word, where he reminds us again and again that we are always on his mind. Though we at times feel forsaken, we are not. And we never will be. So we can proclaim, with David, ‘Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul—and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.’ Amen.”
It wasn’t until Benjamin gently tugged her upward that Summer realized the sermon was over.
Benjamin wrapped his arm around her as Pastor Calvano led them in prayer. Summer closed her eyes and fought against the desire for this to last forever. Because right at this moment, she didn’t feel quite so forsaken.