Chapter 39
Benjamin sat on the couch in the half-dark, listening to the incessant ringing on the other end of his phone. When it kicked to voicemail, he hung up. He’d already left three messages on Judah’s office voicemail today. He knew it was pointless to be surprised that his brother hadn’t responded—but that didn’t stop the disappointment and desperation from burning through him. Dr. Ramstadt had given them referrals to a cardiologist and a geneticist in Brampton. But Benjamin wanted Summer and Max to have the best doctor—and that was his brother.
He shuffled through the paperwork from the medical examiner. He should have called the doctors she’d recommended right away this afternoon rather than waiting on the unrealistic dream that Judah could put aside whatever it was that had driven him to separate himself from the family. Now they’d have to wait until Monday to even get on the schedule. And who knew how long it would be before they could actually be seen.
Benjamin dropped the papers wearily back onto the table and rubbed at his eyes. Summer had gone to bed almost immediately after they’d tucked Max in—but not before withdrawing into that shell she kept pulling up around herself every time they got close.
He let out a heavy breath, the feeling that he was failing at every point of his role as a husband and father hanging heavily from his shoulders.
They have to be okay, Lord. They have to be.He had been repeating the same prayer all day. He knew he should add, “Your will be done.” But he didn’t want to. He wouldn’t. If God’s will was to take them from him, then he didn’t want God’s will to be done. Not now. Not ever.
His phone blared suddenly into the quiet, and he snatched it up and silenced it before the sound could wake Max or Summer. He expected it to be Dad or one of his siblings. He’d texted them earlier with a short summary of what had happened since the hearing this morning—though he’d carefully left out the part where Summer had announced she wanted an annulment—and they’d been calling and texting all evening to offer their prayers.
But the name on the screen read Cleveland Clinic.
Benjamin hit answer. “Judah?”
“Benjamin? Sorry I couldn’t call sooner. I was in surgery.”
It had been nearly ten years since Benjamin had heard his brother’s voice, but something in Judah’s tone set him at ease. He didn’t hold the same animosity toward his second-oldest brother as some of his other siblings, probably because he’d been so young when Judah stopped coming home that his brother had always seemed like some mysterious, enigmatic figure to him. For a while, he’d been convinced that Judah must be a spy. He’d been terribly disappointed when Dad told him Judah was a cardiologist.
He wasn’t disappointed anymore.
“So you’re married?” Judah asked.
“Yeah. It was kind of— I guess we eloped. None of the family was there.” He wasn’t sure why he bothered with the explanation. Judah hadn’t sounded the least bit hurt that he hadn’t been invited to his baby brother’s wedding.
“And your wife’s brother died of cardiomyopathy?”
“Yes.” Benjamin gave Judah all the details he knew, his brother breaking in a few times to ask questions Benjamin couldn’t answer.
Finally, Judah said, “And you’re sure you want to bring them here? The insurance is going to be a mess.”
“I have good insurance.” That was one thing John had seen to from the beginning. “And I’ll pay for it out of my pocket if I have to. I want them to see you.”
“All right. I’ll have my office contact you on Monday with a date. It might be a while before I have an opening,” he warned. “But I’ll make sure they know it’s urgent.”
Benjamin wanted to argue. Wanted to tell him he should clear his calendar for this. But instead, he said, “That’s fine. Is there anything they should do or not do in the meantime?”
“Nothing that I wouldn’t recommend for everyone. Healthy food, exercise, all of the usual.”
“Okay.” Benjamin tried to figure out what else to say. “How— Uh— How are you?” It felt like a stupid question, but he barely knew his brother.
“Tired,” Judah answered. “I’ve been in surgery for the past twelve hours.”
“Right.” Benjamin could take a hint. “I’ll let you go. But thank you again.”
They hung up, and Benjamin sat for a few minutes, his eyes roving the once-bare living room that now held little touches of Max and Summer everywhere. Max’s dinosaurs in the corner. Summer’s book on the table. A bowl from Max’s snack on the floor. One of Summer’s hair ties on the arm of the couch.
A pang seared his chest at the thought of going back to a life without them here. He stood and turned out the light.
He wasn’t going to let that happen. Not by an annulment. And certainly not by death.
He made his way down the dark hall, pausing to peek in on Max. The soft glow of a night light illuminated the boy, who slept on his stomach, his new dinosaur clutched in his arms.
Love for the boy ached through Benjamin as he closed the door.
He turned to his own room, but his heart went to Summer’s. He needed to see her one more time before he went to sleep. Needed to reassure himself that she was still there. That she was still okay.
He moved down the hall to her door and eased it open.
She lay with her back to him, her hair fanned across the pillow behind her, her body tucked in under the blankets, which moved in soft rustles with her breaths.
He let out his own breath and blew a silent kiss in her direction, then started to pull the door closed again.
“Benjamin?” Her whisper slipped through the dark, sliding right into place in his heart.
“It’s me,” he whispered back. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m okay.” The blankets rustled, and then she was facing him, and an overwhelming need swept over him.
“Can I—” He hesitated. “I think I just really need to hold you right now.”