Chapter 54
What are you doing here? Summer asked herself for the millionth time as she tossed and turned on the small couch, trying to avoid the springs poking at her through the fabric no matter which way she flipped. Go home.
But she couldn’t do that. She’d been living in a fairy tale, convincing herself that she and Benjamin could have a happily ever after, when it turned out that she’d already stolen his from him. She’d already cost him a car and a girlfriend. She wasn’t going to cost him the job he wanted more than anything too.
Well, he wasn’t the only one who could be noble.
She’d set him free, and he could go to Atlanta and have the life he’d always wanted.
You don’t really want that, the little voice that had been plaguing her all day argued.
But Summer ignored it. It didn’t matter what she wanted. This was what she had to do. For Benjamin’s sake.
And for hers and Max’s and the baby’s.
She wasn’t going to keep Benjamin tied to them so that he could grow to resent them all someday.
He wouldn’t resent you, the voice whispered. You’ve never seen him resent anyone.
But she had. He had resented her after they’d broken up the first time. He’d stormed away without speaking to her.
If anything, he’s going to resent you for this, the voice chimed in again.
But Summer shook her head against the couch. Then let him resent her. It was better than resenting Max and the baby. She couldn’t bear to think of them having the kind of childhood she’d had.
Her hand splayed across her stomach.
He’s going to find out about the baby. That stupid voice was relentless.
She knew that. She’d have to tell him eventually. But if she could put it off long enough, he would be settled in Atlanta already, and he would see that it was better this way. That he really was happier without them tying him down. She wouldn’t ask for child support or alimony or any of that stuff. He could be free to start his life over.
The thought brought back the nausea she’d been fighting all day, but she pushed it down.
At least Mama hadn’t gloated when she and Max had shown up with bags in hand. All she’d said was, “I ain’t giving up my bed,” to which Summer had replied, “No one’s asking you to.”
Summer flipped over again, staring out the window at the deserted street and trying not to think about the comfortable bed she could be sharing with Benjamin right now. Was he home yet? Had he found her note? She’d deliberately left her phone in the kitchen so she couldn’t be tempted to answer if he called. She’d have to talk to him sometime, of course, but she didn’t trust herself to do it tonight. Not when everything in her ached to be in his arms.
Stop it, she commanded herself. She was going to go through with this, and that was all there was to it.
Outside, headlights slid slowly down the street, and Summer squinted against the too-bright lights, waiting for them to pass.
Her breath caught as the vehicle slowed and then turned into Mama’s driveway. Less than a second later, the lights went out and a car door closed.
She heard that sound every night, and it always brought joy pattering into her heart.
But tonight . . . Tonight it only brought heaviness.
She briefly considered hiding under the light blanket that covered her and pretending she wasn’t there, but she knew Benjamin well enough to know he would knock until she answered the door. It had to be close to midnight, and the last thing she needed was for Mama or Max to wake up.
Silently, she slipped across the room and out the door. Benjamin paused for a moment at the bottom of the small stoop, his eyes raking over her. And then he leaped past the steps and crushed her to him. “When I got home and you weren’t there . . .” He held her back a little and sought her eyes. “What’s going on?”
Summer shrugged out of his grip, the bite of the night air cutting through her t-shirt. She hugged her arms close, letting her eyes skirt away from his. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“I shouldn’t have . . .” Benjamin sounded confused and maybe a little angry.
Summer shivered. It was good if he was angry. It would make this easier.
“I don’t understand what’s happening right now,” he said.
“I told you in my note. Max and I are staying here for a while.”
“Because you’re leaving me?” Benjamin’s anger gave way to hurt. “But I thought everything was . . . I thought we were . . .”
Summer bit her lip but shook her head, still not looking at him. “You should go.”
“Summer.” Benjamin’s voice was ragged. “Why are you doing this?”
His brokenness sliced at her, and she had to hug her arms tighter around herself so she wouldn’t wrap them around him.
He blinked at her for a moment, then wriggled out of his jacket and hung it around her shoulders.
The warmth that cloaked her almost made her break down. But she couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to him.
He reached for her, but she sidestepped him, and he let out a frustrated breath. “So, what, we’re not even going to talk about it? You’re just going to up and decide you don’t want to be with me anymore, and that’s that?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Her voice nearly cracked, and she had to pause to take a breath. “I think it’s time we stop pretending this is a real marriage. I’ll go on and live my life and you go on and live yours.”
“This is a real marriage. You are my life.” His voice was thick in the dark. “You and Max.”
She shook her head. “No. You had a life and then we came along and interrupted it. You should go to Atlanta. Take the job with Kalibre.”
“I— What?” he sputtered. “How do you know about that?”
“Ian called me today.” She watched his expression as it changed from shock to anger.
“I’m going to kill that guy,” he muttered.
But Summer shook her head. “It sounds like an amazing opportunity. And you didn’t even tell me about it. You were going to sacrifice your own happiness for us.”
Benjamin shook his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to worry that I might actually consider the job. The only reason I went to Atlanta was so I could tell Ian that in person. He’s not great at taking no for an answer.” He laughed humorlessly.
“But it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,” Summer persisted. And then she made herself repeat Ian’s words that she hadn’t been able to chase out of her head. “It’s your dream. What you want more than anything in the world.”
Benjamin caught her arms. “It’s what I wanted once, yes. But it’s not what I want anymore.”
“What you wanted when?” Her voice was quiet. “Before Max and I came along?”
He hesitated. “That’s not the point.”
“It’s exactly the point.” Her voice grew firm. “If it weren’t for us, you would take this job, and we’re not going to keep you from it. You would only resent us.”
“How could I ever resent you?” Benjamin’s hands slid up and down her arms. “I love you. Don’t— Don’t you love me?”
Summer closed her eyes, willing the tears behind her lids not to fall. Of course she loved him. That was why she was doing this.
She made herself shake her head.
Then she reached behind her and opened the door.
“Summer, don’t do this.” Benjamin’s grip on her arms tightened, but she pulled away and propelled herself inside.
“I have to.”
“I’m not going to give up on you, you know I’m not,” Benjamin said as she closed the door.
It wasn’t until she sank to the floor and wrapped her arms over her head that she realized she was still wearing his jacket.