Chapter Twenty-Two #2
Feeling the discomfort of the position she and Connor had put Nicole on, in spite of having her permission, Cristy turned to look at her.
She could hardly begin to imagine what kind of hell she’d been through these past years, or indeed what life felt like for her now.
Attempting a reassuring smile she said, gently, ‘What do you think kept you going through the worst of it?’
Nicole swallowed, and as her eyes filled with tears, she looked away.
It was a while before she spoke, and when she did, it seemed she’d either forgotten the question or simply didn’t want to answer it.
‘I’m not right up here any more,’ she said, tapping her head.
‘I know it. I can feel how crazy I am, but I don’t know …
’ She flinched as though something invisible had hit her.
‘It’s hard to understand myself, to get a sense of who I am now.
I want to live my life again, but how can I do that when everyone …
?’ A tear fell onto her cheek, and turning to Cristy, she said, ‘You can record this if you like. I don’t mind, as long as you don’t use it against me. ’
The offer was so unexpected that Cristy couldn’t think how to respond.
Honey said, ‘Nicole, you know that’s not a good idea.’
Nicole continued to stare at Cristy. ‘Would you like to record what I tell you?’ she asked.
Torn between wanting to and her concern for how unstable Nicole clearly was, Cristy said, ‘How about we set up to record, and then you decide whether you want us to carry on?’
Nicole nodded, seeming to like the idea, then she began nibbling her thumbnail as if it were something that needed to be done.
It was as though, Cristy reflected, a part of her had never grown up, while another part had been unable to do so properly.
What was it the psychologist had said about arrested development?
While Connor was at the car, Nicole suddenly and aggressively began scrubbing her short hair. ‘I thought about dying it,’ she told Cristy, ‘so no one would recognize me, but the colour’s all gone anyway.’
‘Not entirely,’ Honey told her. ‘I’ve seen it looking better than it does today – livelier, redder.’
Nicole seemed to like that. ‘Maybe it reflects my moods.’ She smiled, and there it was again: that tiny flash of radiance. ‘But I’m scared of being recognized. No one will ever forgive me, no matter what I say or do.’
‘Do you go out at all?’ Cristy asked.
Nicole looked at her mother. ‘We go for walks, here in the grounds, and sometimes we drive to one of the villages for a coffee. I have a cap, and I wear sunglasses, even when it’s raining. Maybe I’m drawing more attention to myself by trying to hide.’
Maeve suddenly got up. ‘Where are my manners?’ she said. ‘I made tea. Will you have some, Cristy? Honey?’
‘That would be lovely,’ Honey replied. ‘I’ll come and help you.’
After they’d gone, Cristy turned back to Nicole and felt a wave of pity come over her. If this poor woman hadn’t harmed her twins – and it was easy to believe in this moment that she hadn’t – then the level of heartbreak and injustice she’d suffered was off the scale.
‘It’s Meyer, by the way,’ Nicole said out of nowhere. ‘You called him Major in your podcast, but his name’s Meyer.’
Stilling with surprise, Cristy let a moment pass, hoping she’d say more, but she didn’t. ‘Do you want to tell me anything else about him?’ she prompted gently.
Nicole’s eyes closed, and she seemed to hold her breath, maybe to stop words coming out, or was she waiting for them to gather?
‘He’s my reason to carry on living,’ she said hoarsely.
Her eyes opened again, and she stared vacantly into the middle distance.
‘He’s Swiss,’ she said quietly. ‘Not French.’
After a beat, Cristy asked, ‘When did you last see him?’
Nicole frowned as she thought. ‘I think it was about six or seven weeks ago.’
So before her parole hearing. ‘Did he visit you often in prison?’
‘Mm. Yes. As often as he could. All the time I was away.’
‘Was that every month, or … ?’
‘Yes, that was how it usually worked out.’
‘Have you seen him since your release?’
‘No, I can’t. Not yet, but I will. He needs me to get through this … I can, because I have to. It’s the only way we can be together again.’
Wondering exactly what that meant, Cristy said, ‘He obviously matters a great deal to you.’
‘He means everything. And I do to him.’ She looked at Cristy, as though expecting to be challenged, but Cristy simply smiled, trying to convey an understanding she wasn’t close to feeling.
They both looked up as Connor came back with the equipment.
‘Are you sure you’re OK with us recording?’ Cristy asked Nicole.
Nicole rubbed her eyes, not seeming at all sure.
‘You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,’ Cristy assured her.
Nicole closed her eyes again and let her head fall back. ‘I want to see him so much,’ she murmured. ‘He knows where they are … He hasn’t told me yet, but he will. He’ll take me to them …’
Cristy felt her heart contract. She had to be talking about the twins. ‘Has he promised that?’ she asked carefully.
‘Yes. Yes, he has.’
‘So they’re still alive?’
Nicole pressed a hand to her heart. ‘They’ve always been alive in here. My babies, my twins … I didn’t kill them. I didn’t. He knows …’ She looked down at the mic Connor was unpacking.
Cristy said, ‘What does he know?’
Nicole looked confused, and Cristy sensed her withdrawing. ‘You’re trying to make me say things that aren’t true,’ she accused.
‘I only want you to tell me the things that are,’ Cristy assured her.
Nicole blinked, as if she was losing track of what was being said.
‘Did you give the twins to him?’ Cristy asked.
Nicole nodded, then shook her head. ‘Yes. No – not him. I didn’t give them to anyone.’