Chapter Forty-Two #2
MEIER: ‘I called my grandmother, here at the farm, hoping she would help. If you’d known her, you’d understand why I turned to her, but her character, the way she saw the world, is for another time.
She told me that if I could be certain the twins were mine, she would see to things.
If not, then they must be taken care of by their father.
So I ordered a paternity test to be delivered to the farm and booked myself on a flight.
‘The test arrived, I provided samples, and then I drove over to the house, hoping to see Nicole. The place was surrounded by press and police … I found Lauren in the crowd, but we had no time to talk before a detective called her over. I realized that by being there, I could end up making things worse for Nicole and for myself, so I returned to the airport and flew back to Switzerland. I’d been gone for less than twenty-four hours.
‘A week later, my grandmother received confirmation that I was – I am – the twin’s father.
It was she who decided that we should bury them with her husband, my step-grandfather.
He had passed not so long before that, so she thought it shouldn’t be difficult to dig a little way into his grave.
She waited for me to return to Wales, and between us we created a small casket for the bodies, then we brought them here to the church late one night to lay them to rest.’
His eyes were swimming in tears, and grief was tearing at his voice, stealing it into bouts of silence. The guilt, the shame he felt for his actions was almost palpable, and Cristy was so appalled by the scenes he was conjuring that she herself was beyond words.
A long time passed with only the chirping of birds puncturing the awful quiet, along with the distant bleating of sheep.
MEIER: ‘To be sure they weren’t disturbed when my grandmother’s time came, her body was cremated so that only her ashes were put into the grave.
And the small plaque that is there now, attached to the foot of the headstone …
I added it after I took the farm over. As far as I know, no one has ever noticed it. Certainly no one has ever asked.’
The grave would have to be opened up quite soon, and Cristy wondered if he’d already prepared himself for it, if anyone could ever prepare for something like that. She strongly doubted it.
When it was clear he wasn’t going to speak again, she said:
CRISTY: ‘Did you have any contact with Nicole at all after her arrest?’
He didn’t answer right away, simply shook his head, seeming to fail to take a breath when he tried.
MEIER: ‘I fully expected her to tell them what had really happened. I was bracing myself for it the whole time, almost wishing it would happen, but it didn’t.
I found out later that she had got it stuck in her head that the twins really had been taken.
It’s a dissociative disorder, often brought on by PTSD, where a person cannot let go of a belief that protects them from a devastating truth.
Of course they had been taken, if you want to look at it that way, but it was not an abduction.
‘So when she was charged with their murder, she just kept saying that someone had come into the house and taken them away.
‘We – I – had created an impossible situation that I couldn’t see a way out of, but I was certain, if it came to it, that a jury wouldn’t – couldn’t – find her guilty when there was no evidence to prove she’d harmed the twins.
I was wrong, of course, because they did.
That was the worst day of both our lives – apart from losing the twins, obviously. ’
CRISTY: ‘So why didn’t you admit it then? Surely whatever came next would have been better than her being sent to prison for a crime she hadn’t committed?’
MEIER: ‘You are right, but although I might have been believed about the cover up, I had not been there when they died, so how could I be certain she hadn’t done it on purpose?
I’m sure it’s what Maggi believes, but I know differently, because I know Nicole.
The lies, the concealment, the use of others to carry out the most terrible crime of taking the twins away …
The case against her would become more damning than ever, and with no way of proving the truth of what had really happened, combined with the fact that I’d made everything so much worse for her …
‘I should have spoken up anyway, and to hell with what they did to me, but then I would have been in one prison, she in another, and she needed me. Perhaps that doesn’t sound important to you, but it was to her, and to me.
There was nothing we could do to bring our children back, and nor could we – or I – see a way to get her released.
So all I could do was try to be there for her in every way I could. ’
CRISTY: ‘You mean by visiting her regularly?’
MEIER: ‘It wouldn’t have been possible if I’d been locked away too.’
CRISTY: ‘Does she know now that you’re the twins’ father?’
MEIER: ‘Yes, she does.’
CRISTY: ‘And does she still, after all this time, believe they were stolen that day?’
MEIER: ‘Occasionally. Other times, she’ll tell you she killed them, so she deserves her sentence.
She has said this many times over the years, but no one in authority has taken the time to believe or even to listen to her.
They think she is guilty anyway, so they simply ignore her changing stories, putting them down to an unbalanced mind. ’
CRISTY: ‘Has she had mental health assessments during her time in prison?’
MEIER: ‘I believe so, but I have no access to them. What I can tell you is that she spoke about herself so viciously at times that it has made me afraid for what she might do to herself. I’ve talked to her mother about it, and Maeve voiced her concerns to the prison authorities, so there were times when Nicole was on suicide watch. ’
CRISTY: ‘Does Maeve know what really happened to the twins?’
MEIER: ‘If she does, she has never spoken about it to me.’
Mindful of how reticent Maeve had been all along, Cristy wondered if she might actually believe in her daughter’s guilt, but never wanted to admit it, even to herself. There was so much to delve into here, so many emotions to explore, not least of all her own as her heart ached for all concerned.
CRISTY: ‘You told us before that you didn’t know Nicole was going to confess at her most recent parole hearing.’
MEIER: ‘I didn’t. In fact, when I saw her, a week or so before, she told me she never wanted to be free, that she had to stay locked away so she’d never have to face a world with so much shame and darkness in her heart.
Apparently, she changed her mind after I left, but as I told you just now, it’s not unusual for her to do so.
We – she and I – have had many discussions over the years about what she does and doesn’t believe.
The only constant, if you can call it that, is her fear of what it would mean for me if people started to believe that it really had been an accident.
If anyone knew that I had helped cover it up.
‘I have told her that I am prepared to accept the consequences. In fact, I have offered many times to go to the police, but she wants us to be together again, and now, after all this time, she believes it is possible – or she did until she was recently returned to prison.
‘When I saw her on Saturday, I told her I would be talking to you and so she must prepare herself for what will come next. My hope is that she will not have to serve very much longer if I, perhaps with your help, can convince the authorities that the twins’ death was not murder.
She has suffered too much already for a crime she didn’t commit. ’
Instead of asking what he expected to happen to Nicole if she was released and he was imprisoned – she’d come back to it – Cristy pushed on to the next outstanding issue.
CRISTY: ‘Where does Lauren fit in to everything?’
At that he exhaled loudly, as if releasing some of the tension that had built over the last few minutes.
MEIER: ‘Lauren struggled terribly after the loss of the twins and by the time Nicole’s trial began she was in a very bad place, mentally.
It was a lot for her to cope with. She didn’t know what had really happened.
Even after Nicole’s conviction she continued to believe that someone had abducted them, so she was certain they must be out there somewhere …
She kept begging me to help her to find them, so I did, on occasions, which was cruel – I accept that – but I didn’t know what else to do.
‘In the end, she began coming to Lausanne and waiting for me outside the university. I always tried to be kind to her, but she would occasionally cause scenes, accusing me of hiding the twins, of deceiving everyone. I could see how lonely and confused she was, how lost she felt without Nicole, and how much she needed me to care. So, because I couldn’t think what else to do, I brought her here, to my grandmother.
‘I couldn’t have known then, but it turned out that working on the farm, being a part of a life that felt like a whole world away from the one she’d left, was good for her.
She stayed, right up until my grandmother’s death, and after, when I came to take the place over, she continued to make it her home.
‘I didn’t realize until recently that she’d more or less stopped contacting her family …
I wasn’t at the farm for long spells during her early years here, so I didn’t have a clear idea of what she was doing.
I wasn’t even aware that my grandmother had told her about the twins, had even brought her to the grave, until long after my grandmother had gone and Bryn Helyg was up and running in the way it is now.
‘To make a very long story, very short, when Ben arrived from the US, he and Lauren fell for one another, and after Lauren realized she was pregnant a decision was taken quite quickly for her to go with him when he left.
‘I think, as the years have gone on, she’s found it increasingly difficult to keep things to herself, and that’s why she still doesn’t see her family.
She doesn’t want to lie to them by pretending the twins might still be alive when she knows they aren’t.
She will be able to see her mother after this, so to quote Nicole, there is “one good outcome”. ’
CRISTY: ‘When did Nicole say that?’
MEIER: ‘Last weekend, when I told her that I was going to meet with you in the hope that you would tell our story with more … compassion than judgement. I understand that I deserve to be judged harshly, but I hope you will agree that she does not. It wouldn’t be right for her to serve any more of her sentence when she has already confessed.
We have let it go on for too long. It is time now for her to regain her freedom and for me to pay for my part in what we did to our children. ’
As he stopped speaking, he was looking past them in a way that made Cristy turn to see what had caught his attention. Maggi and a man Cristy didn’t recognize were standing at the church gate.
MEIER: ‘Jonathan Grant is the lawyer I have asked to come with me to the police. He will represent me going forward, but obviously I will be pleading guilty to whatever crimes I am charged with, so there won’t be a lengthy trial, and hopefully all the public condemnation will be reserved for me. No more thrown at Nicole.’
He rose to his feet and held out a hand to shake.
MEIER: ‘Thank you for coming here today, and for listening.’
As he walked away, clearly shattered inside, Cristy was aware of such a wrenching sadness and confusion in her heart that she simply couldn’t speak.
‘Are you OK?’ Connor asked quietly, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.
She turned to him and saw from his anguished eyes how deeply this confession had affected him too.