13. Chapter 13 #2
“It’s nothing serious, but since breaking up with Grace, I’ve done a few things.
With a guy—just one guy, but it’s just sex.
” As my mouth pops open his eyes bulge so wide I think they may pop out their sockets, “We’ve not had full on sex!
Just other stuff. I don’t know, I overheard Grace asking you questions when I came back from the toilet, and it made me worry how you’d react if you found out I wasn’t as monogamous as you thought.
I really like you Miles and I know this is very new, but I don’t want to fuck anything up. ”
I know I need to play this very carefully.
He’s laying everything out on a fragile table, and in other circumstances, if I wasn’t also the other guy he was fooling around with, I may feel hurt I wasn’t his only choice.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever find someone into this intense kink I’d unlocked the night I waited outside the wrong window, but I selfishly don’t want it to stop.
He may be furious if he ever found out it was me all along, but at every opportunity I’d been prepared to take off the mask if he asked.
The cards were always in his hand, ready to stop the entire thing or continue with the mystery hanging over our heads.
Like I said, I’m pretty sure he’s referring to my masked self as the other man, so I can tell my possessive caveman brain to put down the club and dart around the truth.
I take his hands, rubbing circles into the tendon that connects his thumb to his index finger.
“Cassie, we’ve only just started dating, sure—but we never spoke about being exclusive.
As I told you, we’re taking it slow. Starting casually,” Lie.
“I’ve had really shitty situationships in the past and I want to take this slow,” Partial lie; fuck no I don’t want to take it slow.
“When I realised I was gay, I wish I’d taken the time to experiment and see what I liked, before dating.
I’m a big boy and I don’t expect you to commit yourself to only me after just a few weeks of knowing each other.
” If I had a therapist, I’m sure they’d agree I’m sounding very mature and wise right now.
“We can see how things go between us, and you can find yourself. Figure out what you like. If we get more serious than obviously we’ll need to revisit this conversation.
” Cass has dipped his head and is staring firmly at our connected hands, so I duck my head, giving him a small smile.
“From what you’ve told me you’ve dived into relationships straight away, but this is a completely new experience.
If you want to play around, I’m cool with that along as when you’re with me, I have your full attention.
” As long as masked Miles is the only guy he wants to play around with, I can definitely be cool.
I am definitely going to hell for this…
Swallowing, he looks up through his eyelashes. “You don’t care if I have sex with other people?”
I feign a casual shrug, “I’m open, it’s fine. I can see this is bothering you as it's the second time we're discussing it, but I'm ok to just see where this goes with us. No commitments.” I’m open to being your only one for the rest of our lives until I descend down to the fiery pits.
“Will you have sex with other men?”
“No.” I don’t hesitate to answer.
He frowns. “But you don’t care if I do?”
“No.” Yes, yes, yes.
“Why?”
“I have so much on with writing and studying, there’s only enough of me left to share with one person.
” I think of the excuse on the spot a lot quicker than last time, rather than saying I think I became smitten with him the first time we met.
“You.” I clarify, wanting to put his mind at ease that he doesn’t have to worry about my commitment.
This entire conversation is a mess, he’s confused, I’m still unsure if he’s figured out I’m his masked stranger, but he sits back on the sofa and lets out a long exhale.
“Ok…we’re casually dating, then. Open. Safely.”
I nod, wanting to snap the words out of his mouth and stomp on them, because they’re so wrong.
“I hope this conversation made you feel better. I didn't realise you were still thinking about it.” This doesn’t feel casual for me, but even if it would end the confusion, I can’t give up the moments I’m able to have with him when the ghostface mask is hiding my identity.
At this point I’m clinging to the fact he said no to my unmasking each time.
The excuse fueling me being a shitty person right now.
He doesn’t look eased at all as I let go of his hands and lean into his shoulder, both our attention falling back to the television and the movie.
The scenes flicker before me but my mind is far away, worrying over if I’ve taken this too far and dreading the consequences of if this goes tits up.
It may or may not break this, but I can’t stop.
I don't want to and deep down I don’t think Cassie wants that either.