19. Chapter 19
Cassie seems a little unsettled, so before we go I lead him in the direction of a food van that serves coffee. He's not glaring at me with distrust, like he suspects I’m Yourghostboy, but he's not happy. I can tell that much.
After a few minutes of being on the road back in his car, I decide to lay down some fun facts about Rocky Horror, seeing as we snuggled up and watched it last night with our friends, but a notification pings through on his car screen and the name makes the food in my stomach threaten to rise.
One new text message from Grace.
Her name makes my heart sink. The little pink heart next to it makes it crumble in a visceral break.
Why is she texting him?
The car falls deadly silent. Even though I know my playlist is still on, the music seems to float away till it's a numbing hiss that's similar to a buzzing in my ear after a loud gig.
Why is she texting him?
I keep my eyes trained on the road as the landscape crisps. This time of year usually soothes some basic bitch part of me that craves to be in Stars Hollow, but right now it's in complete odds with my inner turmoil.
What the fuck does she want?
Cassie doesn't make a sound, but surely he's noticed the text message. The silence between us stretches to an uncomfortable amount of time, before he presses the screen to solely focus on the directions.
“I'll find out what she wants, after I've dropped you home.”
Oh. In my delusion brain I thought we'd head back to his or mine, to spend time together. The long weekend seems to have abruptly come to an end, dampening the mood in the car. Had I gone too far in the corn maze? Had it blurred the lines for him of keeping his fantasies in the safety of his room?
If Cass notices he doesn't say a thing, in fact we're both quiet right until he’s cruising down my street, ready to be done with me.
My brain has already come up with enough possibilities to have convinced me this was all just an experience I pushed on the confused guy, who will no doubt run back to Grace.
Surely that's why she texted. He's dropping me off to head over to hers right now.
She lives on this road actually, so it's not out of his way for him to stop by now she's summoned him.
God I'm so pathetic. I shouldn't have pushed him. He's running back to her.
I haven't heard from Cassie since he dropped me at my house.
He doesn't owe me anything, we did just spend a long weekend with one another, but I can't keep from spiralling over that text from Grace.
What had she wanted? Were they both still in contact?
Why hasn't he opened it in front of me? Why didn't he come inside with me?
The last question is my heart's ridiculous way of telling me I’m already in a little too deep with him, but I don't care. If I want to be clingy I will, because Cassie feels like mine. I’d very much prefer it if mine would block his ex-girlfriend's ass and never speak to her again.
I then spent the rest of the afternoon brooding over how I could remove her from my life, even though we take the same course at university and she's in my friendship circle.
I came up with zero ideas. All my bad habits came out the more I felt anxious, so I procrastinated hard.
I didn't unpack or wash my things. I didn't do the food shop like I needed to or speak to my housemates, instead I re-read the same page of my new dark romance over and over, checking my phone repeatedly, but Cassie never reached out.
What if he's with Grace now?
Once that thought was in my head I couldn't focus on anything else, I had to see for myself or the idea would only form into a grotesque horror show where he gets back together with her.
Not fucking happening.
Cassie's student house is only a few streets away, but there's also a cut through in the park, which despite it being dark now, I use anyway.
My feet pound on the concrete, kind of like my heart as I push ideas of being dragged off into the dark by imaginative serial killers, and finally reach the lit street.
My heart doesn't calm down. As I turn the corner and spot the white semi-detached he lives in, even my breath is coming out like a frantic hummingbird.
I know there's a possibility he's going to be furious, but maybe if I tell him everything, he'll realise how connected we are on a deeper level.
We're compatible in every way and from the moment I stupidly stood outside the wrong window, we've both wanted each other.
I can give him everything and he needs to know he can have all of me, because he already has. But how in the world can I tell him?
I finally catch a breath as I slow down walking, pausing before I cross the street.
Idiotically I don't have a plan, but maybe we can chill in his room, watch a movie and then I can just drop the truth bomb.
Hell, what if we watch scream and then I ease my hidden identity into the conversation?
No, that's too casual. I could have text my real face with the mask over private chat, but Cass deserves to be told in person.
After a car passes I cross the road, chewing on the one thought that's stopped me from telling him already.
After each time we fooled around, I always asked him if he wanted me to take the mask off.
Cass said no every time…so what if he doesn't want to know?
What if he only likes the dynamic because Yourghostboy isn't really a person to him?
In body yes, but not knowing the identity of the man you're giving control to, maybe is disconnecting from reality.
Groaning, I push back my hair which is damp with sweat from running over here.
I hit the path and not stopping time I'm down the driveway.
No lights are on and there's only one car parked up.
Fuck, is he already with her? Grace's house is back on my street, but just to make sure I'm not jumping to conclusions, I knock loudly and only hear silence.
Not waiting, I go around back to try the back sliding doors–yes I'm not above breaking in again–but this time it's locked. No one's in and returning to knock on the front door again just to double check, I slump onto their doorstep to hang my head.
He must already be with her and I'm too late.
I feel stupid because I can't put this vulnerability to rest. My heart is being so irrational about this that my brain doesn't have a fighting chance to settle me.
I feel like I'm breaking, like I always end up doing because I give too much of myself to people.
I never learn my lesson. Wrapping my arms around myself, I drop my head lower to my knees and the first tear hits my shoes.
I should have told him I was the man behind the mask the first time I showed up in his room, but maybe no matter what I did or didn't do, Cass would return back to her.
I press my face into my bicep to catch any other pathetic drops, just in case when he gets home he sees my tears and knows they belong to a desperate clinger.
I want more time with him, I want to be with him; but what if it's all just over?